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Happy

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


I'm so happy. Everything is going good. My baby is being so sweet to me. I love her so much. And so I ate a piece of chocolate cake.

  
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.:MELICIOUS:. 5/10/2008 12:06AM

    Hello!

I'm happy to hear you're feeling better! I agree with Fatkat28 below to keep up the soul searching and talking about it, your doing good!

Take care,

Melissa

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HUSKY__HANK 5/8/2008 8:33AM

  Glad you are having a good day.

Yum Chocolate cake

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Nothing.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Today I thought about nothing. I've been going through too many ups and downs lately. So I watched tv and looked up pictures. I love random pictures. They kind of describe what I feel. Even though it may not make sense to most people, it does to me.

Today I feel proud of my people. Beautiful and hard working. Struggling. Making the most out of life.

The one thing I absolutely love is comedy. Stand up comedy in particular. It will always take me out of a funk. Good Stand up comedians are brilliant. Totally break down the thinking process and the mundane things we do in life and make us look at them in a different way. Amusing to us. Comedy is very powerful.

  
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FATKAT28 5/7/2008 10:06AM

    It sounds like your doing alot of soul searching. I have been doing this to for awhile , it is painful at times but if you look at it as a way of cleansing your soul its easier to understand. I had a terrible childhood that has left me with scars that affect my relationships .Keep searching and talking ( don't keep it inside of you ) Just remember your important and its ok to take care of you .

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My Triggers

Monday, May 05, 2008


I read that to stop emotional overeating you should track your triggers and do an alternative activity like writing. It said to identify the emotion you are trying to avoid.

So.....I am feeling strongly the need to binge right now. I am going to try this. Try to write instead of binge --as embarrassing as it may be. The feeling that I am trying to avoid is sadness. Sadness at my childhood. Sadness at the violence. The guns and the knives. The screams. The crying. Feeling so alone. Keeping everything a secret. Feeling different from everyone. Not relating to any kid my age. Always looking for love. Always trying to please.

I am feeling like I am not good enough for anyone, including my girlfriend. How is it possible that my girlfriend wants to be with me? I see other girls and I think that she would prefer them.
They are better than me. I am nothing.

I am feeling like I want to crawl into a hole and stay there by myself. I am lonely. I have always been lonely. Its hard to let people in. I am always trying to reach too deep in to other people. Trying to connect to that soul, that deepness that comes from hard, sad living. So I stay to myself and paint a pretty picture.

  
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METALFINGER2U 5/6/2008 8:00AM

    wow. i gotta say ..... it takes a lot of personal strength to do what you just did. For a second there i thought you were talking about me. the things is.... ive never been able to say those things. I think its kind of a cultural thing and the fact that a lot of girls growing up are "trained" to be the way you described.

This is new.... this is real.... this is all ours.
this is the one thing in your life you have that is completely and totally under your control.... what you do with your body...and what you put in it. this is your chance....the chance to become the person you want to be.

you arent alone and i know sometimes you want to be...but with so many people feeling like you do.... so many people trying to accomplish the same things... you cant possibly be alone.

besides, your girlfriend doesn't think you're nothing. she thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world to her :)
youre gonna be ok... and you CAN do this **hug**

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ROCISIS 5/6/2008 2:30AM

    I feel that your battle is already half won, by recognizing your triggers and emotional past, it takes some people many years just to be able to say the thngs your saying. Continue to share your feelings in writing its very therapeutic. Your not alone with your feelings we all have some type of issues, thats why we struggle with our wieght, its never about the eating.
Hope you can find some support here, please continue with all your efforts.
many blessings, Marlene aka rocisis

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.:MELICIOUS:. 5/6/2008 12:21AM

    Awe, I feel your pain on this, I know exactly how you feel actually. I am going through the same thing, especially in the last couple months. I know it may not seem like it at times, but you are not alone. Firstly, you have a wonderful woman who loves you and sees all the positive in you that you sometimes can't see. Secondly, you have people that understand how you feel about your past, like me, and perhaps she does as well.

I'm sure if you told your girlfriend she would disagree with you about not being good enough for her. I'm sure she has many reasons for being with you, just like you have many for being with her. You are a worthwhile person, and you have a lot to offer to the relationship with her.

I don't know how to stop feeling like you'd rather just be alone most of the time. I know it's hard to connect to other people, but I really think that sharing your past will help. I too prefer to be alone a lot b/c it's easier, and safer. I think part of it is b/c I have always hid my past from everyone and I feel like I would be marked as an outcast if I was open about my past. But I learned last week, that it may not actually be that way. I'm taking a course on self-esteem and stress management. It gets very deep and personal, the people in the class are all strangers and different ages and backgrounds. Last week we had to tell our lifelines, so just all the good and bad things that have happened to us in our lives to make us who we are today. I told my story, and I felt relieved to get it off my chest. It was hard, a couple months ago I told it to a therapist, and before that to my current boyfriend, and an ex a few years ago. It feels good to get it off your chest, and so I think it's a great idea to talk about it, no matter how deep and dark it is. It's not doing any good to you to hold on to it and maybe it's the key to being able to let people in. I know when I told the women in this group last week, they were all telling me how proud I should be of myself for becoming how I have become despite what I have been through, I'm thinking you should feel proud of yourself for becoming a great person too.

One of the things the woman is teaching us, is that as she says "acknowledging the past will allow you to feel like a more worthwhile person", like paying last respects to it to let it go. It will take a while of course but it's not good to hold on to all the negative. I'm trying to do this as well, b/c I'm sick of feeling the way I do and I'm willing to try almost anything to feel happier.

She also encourages us to not strive to be perfect and to focus on the idea of, "I'm not perfect, but I like myself, and I'm trying." She's made us make a list of all of our positive and negative qualities and try to think of ways to turn some of our negatives into positives, and to remember that what's negative to one person may be a positive to another person. Same with our skills, talents, things like that, she's made us make a list of them all so that you can see all the things you have to offer, no matter how small, like talking, cooking, swimming, paying bills, walking, using the computer, being able to paint your nails, color within the lines, make homemade cards for your girlfriend, belly dance, make the best banana bread in town, sew, whatever.

I often think my boyfriend prefers other girls too. I don't really have an answer on this, b/c I don't know how to get passed it. One of the things I've learned in this class is that yes there may be people out there that have or can do something better then me, but there are things I can do better then them. For example, maybe this chick over here is hotter then me, but I'm more intelligent and can make my boyfriend laugh. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I hope I don't sound to preachy about this stuff, but I feel like I'm learning a lot at this course and like I'm feeling better and I just wanted to share what I've learned with you. Maybe something will sound like a good idea and help you out a bit too. It's not like I'm "cured", I still feel sad a lot, but it's different, I feel a little stronger I guess.

Anyways, keep me posted with how you are, I hope I haven't said anything to offend you, I'm just trying to help! I want us both to feel better!

Take care,

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨)
(¸.·Melissa
(¸.·´ (¸.·*


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Why?! Why?! Why?!!!!

Sunday, May 04, 2008


Why??!! Why is all this health stuff so difficult? Why?

I can’t seem to get on track. I started good in January, skipped a full month, started back up, messed up again, started back again. I did good for the last two weeks (exercising and eating right), and messed up the third. Here I am again restarting. I don’t seem to do the math (calories/exercise) right. I get disillusioned and fall off. I am doing some good things --going onto spark people daily, cooking for the week and packing my girlfriend and I’s lunches and snacks. I worked out 3x/week for 2 weeks straight.

I have a lot on my mind and a lot to do. I am getting really organized. Today, I cleaned my apartment. I cooked chicken & stuffing casserole, chicken stir fry, corn bread, and I marinated a coconut chicken to cook for tomorrow. This should hold us for the whole week. I won’t have to cook. I just need to cut up all our fruit for snacks.

I also began to finally organize my workspace --cleaned out everything and restocked our program stuff. I am feeling really good about all I have been doing. I would have been overwhelmed and feeling crazy if I hadn’t done all that work. On Monday, I will hopefully finish with everything I need to do. I am making Café Mexicano early in the morning so I can be energized.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KSTYLEFITNESS 5/5/2008 1:32PM

    Sounds like you are making great strides, but I think you have yet to think of this as a lifestyle, not just a diet to lose X amount of weight. Whatever you are doing now, you must do every day for the rest of your life. So if it seems like it is too hard to do, it will never stick for the long term. Find a routine that will sustain over the next few months and even years. If you fall off on one day, let's not make it 2 days, or a week, and then a month. Start over right then and there after you slipped.

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LAURA915 5/5/2008 12:05AM

    Don't think of it as all or none. Maybe you aren't completely on track all the time but it's still helping your health. Maybe decide on a reward that you can give yourself if you stay on track for a month or 3 weeks. Whatever you decide. Just remember that you are making many good choices that are improving your health. Hang in there and take it one day at a time or one week at a time. Good luck.

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Sucker Boss

Friday, May 02, 2008


My boss is dumb as rocks --and a sucker. No one is coming to work. They tell him the most ridiculous excuses and he buys them all --hook, line, and sinker. Its not fair to the people that are doing their job and having to cover for the people that are taking advantage of the weak boss. I think I am going to explode. I got so much to do at work and people are getting paid to do nothing. How can you just close your eyes to it all? The boss is afraid of being unpopular. Is he in high school? I'm a very direct person. I might get fired because I am going to start holding the sucker boss accountable.

  
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MISSDIVA31 5/2/2008 1:41PM

  Good Luck emoticon

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METALFINGER2U 5/2/2008 10:48AM

    feeling good about yourself is important in every environment including work.
just make sure you document it all and start from the very beginning. Just be careful and watch your back. wouldnt want you suffering for standing your ground. good luck !

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