Tuesday, February 05, 2008
I thought I had a good weekend but when I put in all my foods I was wayyy over range of what I should be eating. After I put in the weight I lost my calorie range dropped by 200 calories. I don't remember that happening before when I lost the weight.
It's alright, it's okay tomorrow is another day. That is what I say! hey hey! LOL Or if I screw up in one moment, in the next I am transformed back to healthy land..weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. But I still have to learn to cope.
Like DH was gone for a couple of days working and I got lonely right in the middle and so I ate late after I had eaten an hour before. I was driving and I pulled into a fast food joint. UGH I can remember the voice in my head saying I want something, I need something. I am going to get something. I hate that voice. I need to block it out and start listing all the wonderful things to gain from me not eating that bad item or items. Learn to feel that loneliness and fear and get over it! GET OVER IT!
I have been thinking of what happened for days now just trying to figure myself out and the why of my behavior. I know I felt rejected when there was no rejection. With food I don't even feel the rejection I just know I want to eat. It has become so automatic that I have skipped several steps in the emotional process. Or it's just so instantaneous I don't even notice..I just stuff my mouth. my mouth is not a garbage can to stuff my emotional trash in...it isn't! It is a place for nutrition ...thus nurturing me. I want to allow myself to feel the fear, rejection, boredom, loneliness, idleness.
Changing thinking is the hardest thing I will ever have to do and it is a constant struggle. I have to think of it as not a struggle but a mission of asking who is important to me. I am most important. I have to take care of myself before I take care of others. If I do not take care of me I will feel such frustration and anger that I know I have felt so many times.
It is a mission of taking care of myself daily. Making that commitment and not breaking it. Do I break commitments to a friend or loved one for something that is most important to them? Hell no!
I am tired of this symbol I carry around. This symbol of a stomach. I see my stomach as a symbol of hurting. A symbol of all those emotions put on the back shelf.