still not easy

Saturday, July 18, 2009

i woke up twice last night and had to go to the bathroom. man, i was drawn to the kitchen. in fact, i had a little pepsi cola left in a glass that i had sitting by the sink; and i remembered it. so i went out and drank it. it could not have been more than 2 ounces--just a little at the bottom of a glass; but it felt so satisfying. it was like that was what i needed to do. since it was not eating, i won't count it as a relapse; but i do have to be careful or i will be drinking orange juice or pop in the middle of the night instead of eating. i did that one time when i tried to break the habit. it was years ago. instead of eating, i drank orange juice. that wasn't much of an improvement--switching one bad habit for another.

i know i am always supposed to be doing this, but i am going to try to put my food into the spark calculator. i have not done this for months because my night time eating was hard to input and otherwise my calculations looked okay. so i will start today and see how i do. just trying another step to feel like i am moving in the right direction. when i did the food before i found that i lost weight. so i am going over there now and putting in my calories for breakfast.

today is going to be a wierd day. my wife is having her book group over on monday. and we will spend the weekend finding every cobweb or speck of dirt and eradicating it. she hardly ever has parties or even acquaintances over because she gets uptight about the house. so i have geared myself up for a few uncomfortable days. but i will try to cooperate without getting into the compulsive state. i know it is important to her and i will try, but it is not fun. we will be cleaning outside too because they will likely be on the screen porch in the back and out walking around our gardens. yikes. going to the gym and then it is get to work.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LLCURTS 7/19/2009 3:56PM

Maybe if you leave a glass of water out purposely - for when/if you wake up at night - water is good for you - makes you feel full... Worth a try... Report Inappropriate Comment

KNUTE4477 7/19/2009 1:41AM

good job bill! be strong...you are stronger than the things trying to break you down had 8 games today, 8 tomorrow...headed to bed. mike Report Inappropriate Comment

one week on this streak

Friday, July 17, 2009

well, i survived being at my mom's and now have gone 7 nights without eating after bed. thank you god. I got back to Madison yesterday late afternoon. I had gone to Verizon a week ago and got a cable and paid a monthly fee so that i could use the intenet while i was at my mom's. i think that made a huge difference. i didn't feel so isolated while i was in coal valley. yes, coal valley illinois. anyway, i felt connected and less scared with my computer. i think there was a little fear about living with an extremely limited computer use time. i was afraid of computer withdrawal. so once i made arrangements to have computer access at any time i felt a burden release.

after not eating at my mom's and having built that up into such a HUGE TEST, i also felt a relief getting home without having blown my string of nights of not eating. i woke up and went to the bathroom last night but didn't eat. it is still something that i really have to say no to, but last night was not as hard as it was at my mom's. i can tell i have made progress because i am thinking about the next step. that would be not eating after 10 pm. i am going to spend one more week of consolidating the not eating after bed, then move on. well, i am going to go now. maybe more later.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNUTE4477 7/17/2009 3:46PM

Wow! A week already on the new streak! Time goes by quickly. Glad to hear it is getting easier....true progress. I'll write later. mike Report Inappropriate Comment

LLCURTS 7/17/2009 2:03PM

Congratulations on your small steps leading to a HUGE SUCCESS! Report Inappropriate Comment

last night at mom's

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I got through another night and am about to leave my mom's house. I feel really good about how this worked and owe everything to God and sparkpeople. of course I got up during the night but was able to not eat and to go back to sleep. i am leaving now, but will write more later.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CUBS07 7/16/2009 7:43PM

You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you! Keep it up. Report Inappropriate Comment

PRINCESSDI733 7/16/2009 12:53PM

Great job Bill! I don't always comment but I do check your blog daily. I am glad things went somewhat smoothly while at your mom's. I wish you continued success as you return home! Comment edited on: 7/16/2009 12:53:58 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

insights while at my mom's

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

i did get through the night without eating and i should be happy about that, and i am; but i stuffed myself before bed. and i feel bad about that. i had 3 pieces of pizza and 2 glasses of milk mixed with ovaltine and 3 little pieces of candy pretty much right before bed. why did i do it? because i had been thinking about doing it all day, but my mom had been watching. i can see where my hiding my eating or hiding any pleasurable activity comes from. when i am here my mom is always monitoring my behavior. "now are you sure you want to eat that?" "What's in your mouth?" "What are you eating now?" so of course i have to wait until she is in bed before i begin to eat. if she stays up as late as i do then i have to get up after i have laid down. hence another reason to eat in the middle of the night when i am at my mom's. also another reason why i often hide my eating behaviors. i am a little resentful that i can't make my own eating decisions without encountering judgements. it makes me want to eat. in aa we call that drinking at somebody. it means eating to spite someone. it isn't exactly like that but it is similar. "there now you can't yell at me for eating." also i have very little freedom here. my mom goes with me if i want to go anywhere, and she won't go anywhere because she wants to spend all her time with me. i am glad that my wife pays very little attention to what i eat. i once thought that was a problem and a sign that she did not love me. now i see it is very healthy for me becauce it allows me to make my own decisions without building any resentments

  

another night at my mom's without eating--i'm happy

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

No eating after going to bed last night at my mom's. I did get up once and go to the bathroom, but i told myself eating is not a choice. that helped a lot. as soon as i get that idea into my head then i think i will be able to continue with less pain. so here i am and have gone through my first 2 night ( for sure since 1996 and probably before that, so let's say it has been at least 13 years since i have gone through a night at my mom's without eating.) of not eating at my mom's. my worries about being unable to get through the night so far have been just that --fears. i did pray before coming down. i talked to a lot of people about my fears. and in general prepared myself. so the fact that i have been able to accomplish my goal is amazing to me. i thank god, not just for getting me through the nights now, but also for helping me feel the fear ahead of time so i could prepare for it. and i thank sparkpeople and my friends for listening to my fears and helping me prepare. i have 2 more nights but am feeling good now. however, i am humble and admit that it is not done by me alone. i am being taken care of by my higher power and guided on my path toward health and happiness.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNUTE4477 7/14/2009 10:11PM

Good job Bill! Your success must feel very rewarding. Old boundaries will come crashing down and even more goals will be set and accomplished. mike Report Inappropriate Comment