Tuesday, July 06, 2010
i wrote this following blog in response to a comment on my "honesty" blog from yesterday. as i wrote this response, it made me think so much that i decided to put it this blog so i can refer to it later. i am considering talking to my therapist on this topic. here is my response.
oh, i am sure i could talk to my mom about my incidents of dishonesty. it's funny i was just using that going to church "lie" as an example of my dishonesty---saying that i was dishonest over things that really are not important enough to be dishonest about. but as i read your response to my blog, i realized how i had frequently been dishonest with my mom. i didn't have nearly as hard time being honest with my dad because i never felt his love very much so i had nothing to lose. ( in fact sometimes i was honest with my dad in order to hurt his feelings. ) whereas my mom's love was something that i needed so badly that when young I always did exactly what she wanted. finally when i started not doing what she wanted, it was a scary process and not one that i could easily share with her. she had such high expectations for me, and she was so inflexible that i hid the effort to define myself. wow! as i write, i see that truly in order for me to grow up and separate from my mom I need to be who I am and be honest with her about it. i have to think about this. it seems so simple that i must have thought of it before, but it may have proven to be easier to forget my intuitions than to work on them. my intuition says that this breaking with my mom's expectations and being honest about it is very important for my growing up at nearly 60 years old. in a lot of ways i have been honest with her, but still in many ways i lie and keep secrets. i don't think i need to tell her the intimate secrets of my life especially not if they would hurt her, but i do think that i should make efforts to be as honest as possible with her on an everyday level. my goal is to be honest with everyone, and not to have any "intimate secrets" that i have to keep to myself. i wonder how honest other people are with their families. it is my feeling that overeaters have a lot of honesty issues. how many times have i denied eating something that i really did eat? often it is a stupid lie because who else could have eaten it. but my initial guilt makes me deny and lie until my back is to the wall and i can't keep the facade of the lie up. any way, i don't want to do things that i have to lie and deny. i want my external self to match the image that i and other people have of me.