Saturday, July 19, 2014
SP friends I don't know where to begin as it has been so long since I have posted a blog (4 years) and so much has happened in my life during that time. I lost my brother and my best friend due to health issues related to morbid obesity in December 2010 and September 2011, almost lost my dad in a car accident that required 9 months of rehavilitation and step mom to breast cancer (she had to have a breast removed), my daughter is now on disability due to fibromyalgia and anxiety disorders and I am now on disability as well. I am now divorced after 38 years with the same man as well.
I've been up and down in my weight loss and was doing so well last summer and had got down to 461 pounds... only to have my life shook up again by several life changes that led to my becoming severely depressed since November, 2013. After 30 years of marriage I asked God to bring someone from my past (high school or college) back into my life to be a male companion, someone to do things with and spent time with... not really looking for marriage just companionship. After I prayed for that the next morning an old college friend that I had had a bad crush on contacted me through facebook stating he wanted to catch up and that he had just gone through a divorce (he had no idea I was going through one as well). I thought I had found love again and started feeling alive for the first time in 20 years. I had the time of my life last June, July and August... I was in love, eating right, exercising, rocking a Texas tan and feeling so good about myself and as a result eliminating my fast acting insulin and lowering my slow acting insulin by 20 units a day. I was burning 2800 calories a day and was and losing inches... getting daily treatment for my lymphedema but most of all I felt like I was that college girl with a crush and falling in love all over again with a guy that had meant the world to me. Needless to say he was not through grieving the loss of his marriage and their family unit and my heart was broken. I was devastated to say the least... there were several other life changing events in August, September and October that didn't help any either... no need to go into all the details, just know that my life has been a roller coaster ride for the past 5 years and I am so sick of it!!!
I have gained a lot of weight since last November and at the end of June I weighed 550 pounds.... how could I let myself get there again? I have had my weight under 500 for a couple of years now. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself but I know it will not do any good if I beat myself up over it as it will only lead to my gaining more weight. So I began the month of July with tracking my meals on SP and really watching my carbs and I have lost 9 pounds. At least I am back on track and working at it rather than wallowing in my depressed state.
I hope and pray that I will find the strength and courage to continue tracking my food and to get back to swimming on a regular basis and posting on SP blogs. I refuse to give up hope on myself as I know I am worth it... I just have to do it!