Sunday, August 18, 2013
I am just going to start somewhere and maybe, just maybe I'll get to where I need to be.
I spent so many years wanting to grow up and be an adult. Frustrated my grandma on numerous occasions. I can still here her voice telling me, "Slow down. You'll be out on your own soon enough. It's rough out there."
This month on August 14th, my grandma has been gone a year. Some days I am ok because I know she's not hurting anymore. Other days, I just can't seem to get her off my mind. I am finding it hard to forgive myself for not being with her more.
Then comes in the part where I am ok with not seeing her more than I did or call her as often as I should have. I remind myself that the reason I did this is because grandma was always helping someone and I didn't want her to think all I wanted was her help. I understand that people want to feel needed but she always had someone she was helping. I did call her but I never talked to her about my finances except that I would try to make sure I paid my bills. I didn't like asking her for anything because she had always done so much before. I always let her bring it up. I mainly called to let her know how the kids and I were doing. She seemed to appreciate it. We ended our conversations with "I love you," each saying it to the other.
Most days I don't want to get out of bed and move around. I feel ugly, fat, unmotivated and guilty all at the same time. I am having trouble keeping to a schedule for anything; exercise, meals, and even sleep. I try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I make myself get up out of bed only to end up planting my rear in a chair. I get up to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. As I sit here, I look at my exercise equipment and get more irritated at myself for not using it. Then I get up and my left ankle and both feet remind me that I still need to get them fixed somehow. In a month I probably have maybe 7 to 10 days of feel good days where I am active and motivated. The rest is just all downhill. I constantly move around in my chair for two reasons; 1) I am very uncomfortable and 2) I don't want to fall asleep. If I sit down to long I fall asleep. Right now I am fighting to keep my eyes open and I have had 7 hours of sleep. Basically, I was ok until I ate my breakfast.
The eating thing is just on my nerves really bad. I know I need some to survive but even when I think of it that way, I feel guilty. I know that as soon as I eat I will fall asleep. I kept a record for 3 months, with the help of friends, of my sugar levels before and after I ate. What I ate and drank. My friends helped because sometimes I couldn't even get to the restroom. My sugar drops when I eat. The only time I feel somewhat ok is when it is between 90-100. If it goes higher or lower than that I get a headache, nauseous, blurry eyed and irritable. I mainly keep a headache and nausea. According to the endocrinologist, there isn't anything wrong. Yet the blood work showed a vitamin deficiency and levels of something that finally alerted my family doctor to send me to the specialist. I was told it was in my head and that I was fine. Then I come to find out that two of my medicines hide the symptoms that I was having.
My medication schedule has been out of sync a bit. I don't know that may be why I feel like this. But these feelings have been going on for a few months now. Yes, I do have someone I talk to. Maybe it's time to do something about my medication. Time to change it up again maybe?!
On a good and loving note, I love my children and am very proud of them. Both my young ones are in 8th grade, my oldest has a job and my young man of 18 is taking care of what he needs to. I overheard the older two telling some of their friends about things I taught them that they still use today. However, I wasn't supposed to know that. LOL
Well, this is somewhere. I am here now. Thank you all.
Loves and Hugs,
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Wanted to write a blog. Got here and not sure what to say.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I am apparently more attached to my kids being little than I thought. Just this past year my oldest turned 20. My second born turned 18. My third turned 14 and is in summer school to do a retest on the CRCT to go to 9th grade. My youngest just turned 13 and is headed to the 8th grade. They have all had so many changes that it saddens me yet also makes me happy.
I know that children are a blessing from God. He allows us to raise them and guide them as best we can before they journey on. However, letting go and letting them be the individuals they are is very hard. I want to always protect them but I know that they need to learn on their own.
I have noticed that a lot of what I have tried to instill in them has stuck. Many times I have heard or watched them do the right thing, especially when it comes to younger children around them. They were making sure the little ones were eating dinner before they ate dessert.
All of my children, even some that aren't mine, make sure to keep an eye on food portions. They all get out and play more and just seem to be happier with these changes. We have a pool, waiting on the rain to quit enough so we can get in it. They all seem to be more into keeping up good hygiene without me telling them.
I am so proud of all of them. It saddens me though because they are getting old enough to not need me so much. Yes, I know they will always need me but now it will be on a different level.
Ok, enough rambling. I love my children and am so proud of all of them.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
I usually don't like new things. I decided that with the healthy living changes that I needed to try new things.
Now, eating is something I love to do. Looking at some of the healthier recipes include fish. There was only two times in my life that I could eat fish and not get ill...I was pregnant with my daughters. 20 years for the first one and 13 for the second. My boys were a no go on the fish. They are in-between my girls.
Having mentioned this, I have decided to try to eat fish. To try different kinds to find one that I can handle without getting sick. I bought a variety of fish. (Cod, Tilapia, Whiting Fillets, Perch and Alaskan Flounder)
I have tried the Cod and...I liked it. For this month along with reaching 500 fitness minutes, I plan on trying all the new fish. That is my new thing for the month of April.
Alright, enough rambling. Hope you all have a wonderful day.
Monday, March 25, 2013
I went to another two doctors this morning. At least their scales showed a loss. Things were a bit odd today with both of them and I just can't pinpoint it. Maybe they are just having an off day.
In any case, the first appointment I was told that I needed, once again, to apply for my SSI. That I need to me more assertive to those around me and give ultimatems (?) to those who are not helping my well-being. To keep writing my poetry and maybe a publisher will pick me up soon. (I haven't found a free way to do this yet. I certainly don't have the funds to copyright and mail out copies at this point.) I have two of my poems in two different blogs if you'd like to read them. Was also told I needed to work on my self-esteem. I am always working on that. It is a process that never ends. Then finally, she asked me the dreaded question....What are your goals? Where do you see yourself in two years?
I finally admitted that I have no goals for my future. (other than getting healthier) I don't know where I'll be in two years. I try to picture myself and I can't see anything. I have to figure out an extended game plan to go with the healthier goals. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for losing focus. I know all is not lost but it's an eyeopener.
I left and went to my next appointment.
I went to this one because I was taking my friend anyway. She has a spot that I suspected was staph and needed to be seen. I am not a doctor, but my concern was correct. She now has it lanced, packed and medicated. While I had her there I decided to talk to be seen about my Hiatal Hernia since it hasn't been followed since it was discovered. Symptoms prompting me were pain in my upper abdomen, having to keep it held in tight with a waist trimmer (two birds, one stone...lol)and the increasing inability of being able to swallow food and even liquids. It always feels like it is stuck in my chest and I can't breath and get it to move down. I have to sit back and wait for it to work it's way down. It hurts bad. I am waiting on an appointment for a GI doctor. (still waiting on the mammogram one..previous blog about appointment update)
The doctor seemed irritated when I mentioned that I came in also for my right arm. I informed him that when I pick up items, my entire arm hurts and I just about drop whatever is in my hand. It is the same arm that I have had Carpal Tunnel surgery on. He looked at me as if he was looking straight through me. Told me he was prescribing a medication to take down the swelling and he'd see me in a month. Oh how lovely. I think it's time to call my neurologist again.
Normally these two doctors are not like how I saw them today, so I am just going to chock it up to a bad day. Moving on to something else and hope they are better tomorrow.
Enough of my rambling. Have a wonderful time my Sparkfriends. Hugs to you all.
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