Saturday, October 08, 2011
Last night I had a nightmare that my ankles were tied and I couldn't move. I woke up in a panic and did a few "place kicks" to make sure that it wasn't real. Still shaky.
Today is my son's birthday. I don't get to see him. He's been sick and his dad doesn't want to take him out (which I totally support), and I can't climb their stairs OR afford the gas for the drive. I called and talked to his dad (Frank can't talk on the phone because of his condition). My ex manages every time (and usually at least twice) to press a button on his phone while we're talking and blow my ear out. He says he's not doing it on purpose but it happens every time so I have to wonder.
I was late paying my rent this month (it's paid now). I notified the landlord last week. The response? I came home from the leasing office last night to find a notice on my door that unless I pay up RIGHT NOW I will be THROWN IN THE STREET WITH NO MERCY!!! And they put it up on the door for the whole complex to see. Do they really need to humiliate and bully us like this? But I don't have a choice. I can't afford to move.
I realize I'm hiding from the world. But when you've been kicked often enough, you hide from what kicks you. I've been wanting to visit a new church for a long time, but I'm ashamed of my size, my ratty clothes and hoopty car. I hide from the phone, the grocery store, everything. I've been pounded over the head all my life with how unworthy I am. I don't know if I'm sparing the world my presence, or protecting myself from possible (likely?) future assaults on my ego and heart.
And I just want to say this, because I have no one around me to share it with. I know how silly it sounds, but when I see the ads announcing the Next Iron Chef competition this month, I freak out with anticipation. The lineup is enough to make any Food Network fan dizzy. Imagine if all the greatest players were in the Super Bowl (World Series, Stanley Cup, whatever). The idea of the artistry on that level blows me away, but nobody around me is interested in hearing about it. It starts October 30, and I'm going to explode before then!
I'm so lonely today. I need a hug -- or a drink.