LADYIRISH317   71,995
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I feel like a bad joke

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I hate myself tonight. I feel ugly, contaminated, disgusting. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide forever.

Everything I think I want to do just sounds so stupid today. Chef? Yeah, right. Knit anything for Christmas? That seems like a cop-out because I'm broke. I failed as a wife and I failed as a mother.

I don't know why I keep trying.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4DOGNIGHT 12/1/2010 8:43AM

    I spent a lot of wasted years in my life with low self-esteem as you have described. Once I found out that I continually told myself that I was bad, or ugly, or fat, or no good, I stopped. As soon as a negative thought comes into your head, replace it with a positve one. I am 62 and perfectly happy in myself, my life, with friends, in business. Why did I waste so many years not believing it? You can do this. Just make up your mind.

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LOSINGANGEL 11/19/2010 2:51PM

    Do you enjoy cooking and baking things? Then you ARE a chef. "Anyone can cook!"
I personally like it when someone makes something with their own two hands then buying it. They have to put a lot more thought into it.
God doesn't make mistakes. EVERYTHING that has happened in your life has happened to bring you closer to Him. He is holding you in this time of dispare that you are feeling.
There's this saying I really like that I heard recently...
When you feel like you are going through hell, DON'T STOP...the only way to get out is to continue moving.
*hugs* I am praying for you *hugs* emoticon emoticon

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LADYKITTY 11/19/2010 9:16AM

    I was where you were the only way you will feel better about yourself is Stop beating yourself up look at the positives in your life stop magnifying the negative you can do this you just have to want it Im here if you need anything emoticon

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TRACYZABELLE 11/19/2010 5:55AM

    You need to cut the crap and do positive affirmations-- look in that mirror and say good things about yourself until you believe them-- that is your job today! We love you why don't YOU love YOU

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EVERYTHINGBLUE 11/16/2010 8:11PM

    I've not been very active on SP, so we're essentially strangers united by our desire for lives of greater wellness. However, something about this blog post made me want to reach out to you to share a thought with you (and I truly hope I'm not wildly overstepping the unwritten rules of boundaries and/or soap boxes within an online community).

Sometimes I experience setbacks that affect me the way it sounded like you were feeling when you wrote this, so I know what a struggle it is to try to move through feelings of failure and shortcoming.

I thought it might help for you to be reminded that your purpose can be boiled down to a word: love. You were born to give love, to receive love, and to cultivate love in your thoughts and words. The beauty is that it's never too late to realize and live out this calling. There's such profound truth in this simple concept, and it applies to everyone, regardless of circumstance. Your ability to do those three things - give, receive and cultivate love - belongs to you without any restrictions, and is what makes you precious, powerful and worthy beyond measure.

Sending you strength,

Ana



Comment edited on: 11/16/2010 8:33:11 PM

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SOCPAGE 11/16/2010 3:53PM

    what would you think about a guy who came from a good, no great, family line. was beloved by his parents. never married. had a steady job and quit to wander around telling people to shape up. gets in trouble with the authorities and is convicted?
sounds pretty bad and fairly hopeless. a serious "failure to launch."
all of us have really crappy times when we can't figure out what we are supposed to do and whatever we do seems wrong. it is ok to have a pity party from time to time. it is NOT ok to make that a lifestyle. so enjoy a funk for a bit, then move on. you never know what will come up next.
BTW, you know who the guy is, right? emoticon
Only the most influential man in all of history.....go Jesus!

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HOPEFULLYLIGHT 11/16/2010 11:28AM

    Just coming out of my own funk and read your blog. Hang in there Lady Irish! Hope to see you posting again soon, I look forward to your posts. emoticon

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USFBULL 11/16/2010 2:48AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MONETRUBY 11/15/2010 11:40PM

    You keep trying because you are worth it! You are a talented, loving, valuable person, deserving of good things such as happiness. Please do not give up on yourself! There are many people here who love and care for you, and we certainly believe that you are worth it.

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AIDELADE27 11/15/2010 10:46PM

    emoticonhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04854XqcfCY emoticon

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CARRAND 11/15/2010 7:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

All I can offer is some hugs.

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AZURELITE 11/15/2010 7:23PM

    I'm reading this several hours after you wrote it, but better late than never so they say. You are doing a great thing for yourself and your family, simply by being right where you are and accomplishing so much. So now that you've had a blue Monday, it's time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off for a spectacular Tuesday! You can do it !! You will do it!!


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HHOUSE8 11/15/2010 7:14PM

    The loneliest kind of lonely is when you've abandoned yourself. Come back to you! You get to choose whether you love yourself of not. A friend of mine once said to me "If child protective services could see how you treat your inner children - they'd arrest you for sure!". That always stuck with me. No one deserves to be treated the way we too often treat ourselves. One tiny act of love towards you... that's where it starts.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 11/15/2010 6:00PM

    You really don't know why you keep trying? The same reason we all do: There's the part of us that believes we're worth it, that we have something to give, that we're worth the effort, that we deserve to be involved in the life, that we matter. It's too bad that the parts where we either feel sorry for ourselves or just lose faith in ourselves emerge. The hopeful part of you shall return.

Laurie

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LESLIEJEAN43 11/15/2010 5:43PM

    Mary, you are not any of the things you have called yourself. You are a warm person with a passion for cooking and for knitting. You are not a failure.
You have dreams, and they are wonderful dreams.
Just start a new day today. Being grateful for the things you DO have is a good antidote for the negative feelings you have.
I am here for you.
Leslie emoticon

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MAMIE57 11/15/2010 5:33PM

    I commented earlier today and for some reason it is not here emoticon I was also sure that I past along a goodie and it doesn't seem to be here either. Oh well, I will tell you what I said before. Everything that the others said and to tell you that you and so many of the friends here is why I stick around and keep trying. You inspire me and you always have. Huge hugs and love with sparkles - WG

Silly me - you had sooooooooooooo many comments from all of us who love ya that I was on another page and didn't know it - LOL See!

Comment edited on: 11/15/2010 5:34:54 PM

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1STCINDERALLA 11/15/2010 5:27PM

    You keep trying because your heart knows that what your head it telling you is not true. I've been there

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/15/2010 5:09PM

    You need a hug and no more advice. You are doing the best you can with everything hitting all at once. I agree with all the great advice you have gotten here. Hang in and take some time for yourself.

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VXWALL1942 11/15/2010 3:33PM

    Hello dear one! So many people have said it all so well. I can only remind you that I too am inspired by you and your dreams and accomplishments. Darlin' some days its chicken and some days feathers. Let's just figure you're having a 'feather' day and go from there. Take a bubble bath with nice music and perfume. You are loved. Now give yourself a hug, think of the positives about you and make a list of those. You are beautiful, courageous, intuitive, talented, inspiring, a good friend, helpful to those around you.... Need I go on? Take care of yourself. I am sending you a great big hug to help make things better.

vicki emoticon

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VEGASLADY24 11/15/2010 3:18PM

    emoticon Hi Mary, Remember the old saying that "He never gives us more than we can handle." Well, I use to say that He could just skip giving any time now. But it is so true, may not seem like it now but you can overcome! Have Faith in yourself. You are not a loser, don't beat yourself up. Your hormones may be the cause of all the emotional ups & downs. Make sure you discuss these with your Doctor. Think positive thoughts as everyone has said in all these wonderful, supportive comments that have been sent your way. We may not be next door but we are just a few keystrokes away!! emoticon
emoticonDawn

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RUNNER12COM 11/15/2010 3:11PM

    Wow. If only beating yourself up counted as cardio, you would totally be maxed out Spark Points today.

You are struggling with some things. It happens. But you are not a failure. And the first moment you remember that is the very moment things turn around.

Hang on!

SDJ

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TERRYT55 11/15/2010 3:01PM

    No pity parties allowed! I guarantee there are things you are grateful for in your life. Make a list right now, then take a long walk and think about all you have in your life to be happy about.. It always works for me. I can think of two things right now that you might be grateful for......your children and the fact that you can knit! I am so uncoordinated I can only crochet!

Take care and listen to OLDERDANDRT........be your own cheerleader!

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ZURDTA- 11/15/2010 2:46PM

    You keep trying because you are a very strong person. Yes you feel vulnerable and lonely at times - but my god look at what you have overcome. Look at these wonderful comments from people who don't even know you - they only have a slightest whisper of who you are - and they care. There are people on this site who are assh*les, people who are full of selfish thoughts all the time - and there are wonderful, inspirational people, those who have lost weight, have achieved their fitness goals. And there are people here who are truly amazing and courageous... you are one of these people.

You are on a journey and it is tough. You have a long way to go... but you have already some so far, and if you take the trip in smaller steps, it is less overwhelming. You cannot fix everything in your life in one go - but you are taking steps in the right direction.

We all care, Lady. None of your goals are stupid, they are achieveable and realistic. It's NOT like you want to be a movie star or go back in time or anything!



Comment edited on: 11/15/2010 2:48:14 PM

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1MIN17SECB412PM 11/15/2010 2:16PM

    emoticon Oh, Irish!! One of the best ways to recapture that lost feeling of purpose is to remember your goal(s) Sweetheart.

You can also (I know this'll sound strange) USE emotion (either love or hate for example) to regain your loss of self or motivation. You hate where you are in your head- in your life... then try to USE that hate to work for (not against) you.

You set a positive goal to be a chef. The fact that you can knit is fascinating to someone like me, who can't. Those are 2 positives. Did you know that there's thrift stores that carry yarn, and I've even heard of the wool from old garments being used to recycle them into beautiful new fashions!!

Try to figure out what happened to make you lose your confidence in yourself.

Most important, Mary, for every negative you use on you, SPEAK a positive. You must *champion* yourself, my old friend. The wife/mother, negative is a whipping post from the past. Don't allow your emotions to tie you there for another beating.

LOOK AT YOUR DREAM!! If you look away, I guarantee yer' gonna' see the negative.
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Love, yer'
Annie

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COUNTRYLADY26 11/15/2010 2:13PM

    You most certainly NOT a failure in any shape or form so don't think it. You are just feeling down at the moment but remember we are here for you

Love and hugs

Sue xx

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WALKAWAY 11/15/2010 2:11PM

    You are far from a bad joke, far from a failure. Far from being ugly, contaiminated or disgusting.

You are a marvelous, beautiful human being who is going through difficult challenges. You keep trying because that's what you have to do, it's what we all need to do.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

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MAMIE57 11/15/2010 1:30PM

    I am repeating what everyone else said here. You inspire me, and are one of the reasons that I came back - I MISSED YOU and all my other good spark friends! You hang in there today and you will see it is going to be okay - step at a time love. Hugs and sparkles - WG emoticon

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BIGDAD1211 11/15/2010 1:27PM

    You keep trying because everyday is a new day for things to get better. You keep trying because we all go through rough days and that is what makes us stronger. You keep trying because other depend on you my friend. Like me. You never really fail until you give up and I pray that you never do that. I am here if you need to vent or talk to someone.
You are awesome and never forget that!
Your friend
Greg

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LORETTA24 11/15/2010 1:19PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonThis too will pass and you will realize you are so much more than all you are feeling now. Have your pity party and then "let it go!" A bad choice from yesterday doesn't mean one today. Start making a list of the joys in your life each day. Take the small ones 3-5 to start and then watch it grow with smiles and confidence. (examples might be: I woke up today with birds outside my window, the car started, my neighbor invited me in for coffee, I saw a picture that made me smile, I made something from what I have already, I enjoyed a program on the television or radio, I heard my favorite song today, I was inspired to try making something new in the kitchen, my spark people embraced me with encouragement and love) People are always saying they can't do something or they would never be able to go through something. It is a LIE! People don't know what they are capable of until they have to and try. Surround yourself with things and people who make you smile and go for it! Make a poster with cut outs of the happy stuff that you have had and those you'd like to have, know you are "wonderful" no matter what garbage happens. Everyone's garbage stinks. So it's time to use it for fertilizer and watch the blooms that will come. What was is what it is. Today is a new day. You are cared for and loved by many. Try smiling sunshine emoticon and before you know it those smiles will come without thinking about it. Life is not a dress rehearsal, live it to your best. You and your situation are in my prayers. emoticon

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/15/2010 1:17PM

  Oh, dear Mary, please don't beat yourself up so badly! You are an amazing person - we all see it, and I wish you would, too. You can attain your dreams. We are here to support you along the way. Please, be kind to yourself - befriend yourself. Believe in yourself. We do!

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LOSETHEWTIN08 11/15/2010 12:58PM

    Dear Sister Friend, I pray that today brings you more joy. I was sorry to read what a difficult time you were having...I'm glad you shared your feeling with us. I hope it added a little comfrot knowing you were not going through it alone. I believe in you. Have a great week.
Geraldine emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 11/15/2010 12:11PM

    Oh, no you don't!!! You are a strong, smart and creative individual!!!! You can do anything you put your mind to!!! You know the pitfalls of negative self-talk, so stop that right now!!! We all have bad days. Unfortunatly, they seem to creep up on us in groups, but you can beat this!!! Just keep telling yourself..." emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon"
I am more than happy to be your cheerleader, but you are your own best cheerleader!!! Now, pick youself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!!! Too many of us are broke ($) and too many of us get 'down- in-the-mouth". We're all in the same boat here, so row, baby , row!!!
Love ya, SPark friend!!
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CAROLJEAN64 11/15/2010 12:08PM

    Lady I, first and foremnost, knowing that I have never met you in person, I only know what is on the inside. And let me tell you, you have a heart as big as all outdoors, you shine with a light of hope that would seem foolish given the stresses of your life. That said, you know we all have those worthless feeling days, it is the insidious nature of depression. Be sure to share your feelings with Arthur.
I have a good friend who was married 4 times. She never said she was a failure, she just said she didn't do marriage very well. The last marriage was so obviously true love, even late in life for both parties....he was almost 80 and she is almost 70. Although their relationship lasted over 6 years, their marriage was only 2 weeks long as he was dieing of prostate cancer and insisted they marry before he was gone. His spirit stays with her and uplifts her.
Long story, but one to remind you that love for who you are, the goddess you are inside is what counts.

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WAZZU.REN 11/15/2010 11:55AM

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way! We all have these days and it is always good to share and get support from people who know what you are going through. I hope that today you are feeling better. You can do and be anything you want!


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LILPAT3 11/15/2010 11:42AM

    If everything was ideal and perfect then it would not be called life. We all have days when the harder we try the more difficult it gets. It is alright to have a good cry, to sit and think, to plan and change some goals. You can and will do whatever you deeply desire. emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 11/15/2010 10:36AM

    I have tears for the pain you are feeling. You've been some through difficult times but you can do this. You are such a good person and you are worth it. Hold your head up. Wish I lived close by and could give you a hug. Remember, we are here for you. Take care, my friend

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SUSANISBACK 11/15/2010 10:33AM

    You are not a failure, just having a bad time at the moment. take your time and regroup and think about how much you are loved on here, we can't all be wrong about you and if we lived near you then you would have real friendship close by emoticon emoticon

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PAISHAR2 11/15/2010 10:14AM

    emoticon emoticon IF I COULD GET CLOSE TO YOU, I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG. THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW. WE AS WOMEN GO THROUGH A LOT. AFTER TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING, THEN WE ARE SOMETIMES LEFT LIKE A SHELLLESS PERSON. WE FEEL LIKE WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT. BUT GOD SAID WE DO AND WE HAVE TO PUSH FORWARD. ASK GOD FOR SOME STREGTH AND HE WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED ALSO. IT IS A LOT OF US THAT OUR MONEY IS LOW OR ALMOST GONE. BUT DON'T FOCUS ON THAT, THAT IS WHAT THE DEVIL WANT YOU TO DO IS HAVE A PITTY PARTY. YOUR BLESSING IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. THAT IS WHY HE IS MESSING WITH YOU SO MUCH.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND TALK TO GOD, AND HE WILL SHOW UP AND SHOW OUT. THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. I DON'T HAVE A JOB AND HERE IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET GRANDBABIES ANYTHING, BUT I AM TRUSTING GOD AND ALREADY HE USE MY DOCTOR THAT I DON'T SEE THAT MUCH, TO CALL ME TWO TIMES WITH A JOB TO BABYSIT A NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, THEN THIS MORNING SHE CALL ME AGAIN ABOUT BABYSITTING TWO LITTLE GIRLS FROM 12;00 TO 2;00. NOW TELL ME GOD IS OPENING DOOR FOR ME. I AM SEEKING HIM AND HE HAS IT ALL MY FRIEND. SEEK HIM !!!!!!!!


SHARON

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MPARKER67 11/15/2010 10:03AM

    I have days like that. Then I kick myself in the ass and move on. Don't give up. Not trying is the only way to guarantee failure.

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PLANTAHOLICS 11/15/2010 9:02AM

    emoticon

So sorry you're feeling down on yourself. Remember - you're a great person - and even though you may feel this way right now - there are people under your roof, your children and your husband - that think you are an amazing person too. Here if you ever need a shoulder.... emoticon

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CURIOUS64 11/15/2010 8:58AM

    I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I can relate as I do have days where I feel the same. I could list you all the reasons why, but that wouldn't help either of us. Just suffice to say I have my share of issues. However, I can tell you that a good nights sleep has an amazing way of making the sky a little more blue in the morning. Hang in there. It does get better.

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KMICHA 11/15/2010 8:40AM

    There is something positive in every thing. Look for uplifting thoughts instead of depressing ones. Today is a new day! Each day is a gift from God. Make the most of it! Get back on track and work on one thing at a time! You Can Do It! We care about you!!! emoticon

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EPIPHANYANGEL 11/15/2010 8:11AM

    You're worth it ...I'm worth it...we're all worth it that's why we're here together on this journey.

It has its ups and down and it is really hard when that negative self talk rears it's ugly head.

Hang on in there, we're all here to support you. take care. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUGGYS 11/15/2010 7:54AM

    Tomorrow is a brand new day, a brand new beginning, a brand new you! You can do this! We are here for you! emoticon

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MDTWEETY 11/15/2010 7:33AM

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Be kind to yourself - this kind of self talk gets you nowhere. Why would you want to give up on yourself? I'd love to see you post something in our WNTW "I feel beautiful today because..." thread.
BTW, my absolute favorite baby gift when I had my daughter was the cutest sweater and hat that a friend knitted for her. I appreciated all the gifts we received of course, but this gift was extra special to me. I was so touched when I thought about how she took the time to pick out the yarn (which is beautiful and super soft), the pattern and color and how much time it must have taken to make. She even wrote up a cute little note with care instructions. In my book, this gift illustrates friendship and love much clearer than something that was picked out in 5 minutes at the store. You know? I wish I had the talent to knit, crochet, or sew. You better believe I would be giving handmade gifts too.

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BRIDIE5 11/15/2010 7:16AM

  You are a creative, strong, and spiritual being, with many gifts and reasonable goals that you are fully capable of achieving with work and time. Don't listen to the sabateur..step over it and keep trucking..

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ONEKIDSMOM 11/15/2010 7:11AM

    Hope now that you've put it down on paper (OK, screen) you see how this is a "feeling", it is not reality. You are NOT a failure. And you know what? Things that are hand-made are far more valuable to me as memories than anything bought in a store. Since I don't have the time or skill to make things, would you believe I feel like a failure because my sister gives hand-made gifts and I give store-bought ones?

You are a wonderful wife and mom, and so worth taking care of. Chin up! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOZINJST4ME 11/15/2010 6:51AM

    emoticon

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SHERYLDS 11/15/2010 6:14AM

    Like they say. If you think you can, YOU CAN.
and if you think you can't...you're right too. You decide.
You CHOOSE to see the glass half empty or half full.
So enough with the negativity...it's a waste of time.
Think of what works for you and just do it.

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WINDSONG~ 11/15/2010 3:38AM

    You try because you are valued by so many of us.
emoticon

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What happens next

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

They're scheduling me for a uterine biopsy, probably at the beginning of December. This will probably involve some anesthesia, something I'm very skittish about. I have a consultation on the 22nd of this month to set it up. More when I know more.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWDMOTHERHEN 11/16/2010 4:38PM

    LI
Hi, I just had one done too. Unfortunately, no anesthesia for me (it usually doesn't work that well for me anyway).
I will be thinking of you as a fellow traveler on this uncertain road, and hope that all will be well.
Jodi

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TOPCATSEALS 11/15/2010 11:58AM

    emoticon
You are in my thoughts and prays!

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 11/14/2010 8:06PM

    I'll keep you in my prayers my friend. Love, Dawn emoticon emoticon

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AIDELADE27 11/13/2010 11:53PM

    My mom had to go through this as well so I will be keeping you in my thoughts! Good luck!

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VXWALL1942 11/13/2010 5:22PM

    Thinking of you dear friend! Thought I had posted a comment but it seems to be missing. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Try not to stress over it. You'll do fine.

vicki

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CHIRORENGO 11/13/2010 1:38PM

    Mary I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. FYI - they usually don't use an general anesthetic for a biopsy, they will probably give you a local. Either way - I know just having to go through it is scary and you will be in my prayers.

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/13/2010 3:23AM

    They don't often use a General Anaesthetic any more - often it is a form of sedation which has an amesiac effect, and pain relief as well. Often even hip replacements are done this way - but with a spinal block for obvious reasons.

Let us know the outcome. My thoughts are with you!

Kris xx

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 11/12/2010 3:26PM

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, and know that WE CARE!
HUGS
Pam

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1STCINDERALLA 11/12/2010 10:06AM

    Praying for you.

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MILLISMA 11/11/2010 6:55PM

    Keeping you in my prayers!

emoticonMary Anne

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OLDERDANDRT 11/11/2010 6:09PM

    emoticon& emoticon

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WALKAWAY 11/11/2010 5:30PM

    I'll keep you in my prayers. Sending positive thoughts your way.
emoticon

Addie

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/11/2010 3:09PM

  Sending hugs & prayers that all goes well. Sorry I did not see your two recent posts until today, otherwise I would have sent support earlier. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.

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ZURDTA- 11/11/2010 3:04PM

    emoticon

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JUNEBUG4967 11/11/2010 1:13PM

    I will keep you in my prayers for this Mary.

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JUDYPOPPINS 11/11/2010 12:31PM

    I had this done and the discomfort was minimal..not fully out, just drowsy. Benign for me and no need for anything further unless more problems. Praying your procedure goes well & answers are found quickly. I agree about listening to tapes...either guided imagery or something soothing. Maybe some yoga poses too.
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CAROLJEAN64 11/11/2010 12:26PM

    Lady I, I heard about this guided imagery from a friend just before I had abdominal surgery a year ago. I paid for the mp3 , loaded onto my IPod and listened to it the night before and the morning of my surgery. I also used it before my tummy tuck. Both surgeries were complication free and within 2 days I was off strong pain meds. I am giving you the web site to use as you wish. I will tell you using this diminished my anxiety and gave me a very relaxed attitude about the whole process.
http://www.healthjourneys.com/M
ainCategory.aspx?mcid=10
You are in my prayers.

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DAWNFIRE72 11/11/2010 12:09PM

    emoticon I'm praying that things turn out ok for you and that what ever this is can be dealt with and that you will be 100% soon.

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MPARKER67 11/11/2010 11:18AM

    I am praying you will be fine emoticon

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PATRISNA 11/11/2010 8:19AM

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I hope all goes well. I am glad you went in as soon as you realized things were not right. It is better to get it done asap.


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CAROLEHZ 11/11/2010 8:01AM

    emoticon I hope all goes well. With these things the hardest part is always the waiting. A couple of years ago I had a breast lump issue and I was all nervous and mopey and then I realized that was crazy because what ever it was I would kick it's butt not sulk in a corner. I'm sure you will do the same. While it's not perfect, I'm always thankful for modern medicine.



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PRUPLEBEAR 11/11/2010 7:20AM

    Hugs

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LOZINJST4ME 11/11/2010 7:04AM

    emoticon

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COOLMAMA11 11/11/2010 6:52AM

    emoticon Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hope all goes well for you!

Hugs Elaine

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BUFFYW410 11/11/2010 6:40AM

    This is frightening. Luckily it is being addressed quickly.

You are a strong woman with a growing base of support. We are here to catch you if need us and also here to celebrate with you when you get good news.

You've come so far already on this crazy journey - don't let this rattle you too much.

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MARINEMAMA 11/11/2010 5:31AM

    I just had this done....mine was a very simple procedure and I was awake through it all without anything. I had some cramping but no worse than my cycle causes me. I hope thAt all goes well with you. I definitely think doing this is a wise choice. My results came back and I need to have a hysterectomy...hyper plasia....my surgery is dec. 29.....
I am sending up a prayer for you!!

Hugs

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SKPOEM 11/11/2010 3:50AM

  Sounds similar to why I had my hysterectomy. They did a biopsy and nothing was wrong, so they were sure it was due to a uterine cyst. Since I was done having kids they could do an ablation or a hysterectomy. Due to some of the issues I read about an ablation (it doesn't always work and you have to wait 3 months to find out for sure and with school I didn't have time to wait that long and then decide I needed surgery) I went with the hysterectomy. Here's hoping that all turns out o.k. and it's something that can be easily dealt with (my hysterectomy had an unusual outcome, they usually don't end up like mine did)!

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WINDSONG~ 11/11/2010 3:44AM

    Praying for you

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/10/2010 10:05PM

    emoticon

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PEGGY-BEE 11/10/2010 10:03PM

    Have added you to my prayers. I share your apprehensive feelings about anesthesia.

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VXWALL1942 11/10/2010 10:01PM

    Praying for you, dear friend.

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JUSTBIRDY 11/10/2010 9:49PM

    Hope you do well. I didn't have anesthesia, and it HURT, but it was pretty fast.

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YOGAGIRLNH 11/10/2010 9:41PM

    I hope everything turns out okay. emoticon

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Going to the doctor tomorrow and I'm scared

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I'm about two years post-menopause. So imagine my delight about three weeks ago when TOM decided to pay a return visit. The problem is, three weeks later he hasn't left! So tomorrow I have to go to the doctor. At my age there are a lot of things this could be, none of them good. I am NOT looking forward to this.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARINEMAMA 11/10/2010 6:42PM

    Will send up prayers and sending you hugs....I am glad you are going to your doctor...

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CAPECODDIN 11/10/2010 6:17PM

    Hope everything worked out.. I had the same exact happen to me a few times.. it's weird.. some times the body just doesn't want to change....

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FIRESTARINFINI 11/10/2010 4:05PM

    No worries! Whatever happens, I'm sure things will be fine!!!

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CAROLJEAN64 11/10/2010 1:36PM

    Holding you in the light,, Lady I. Please keep us informed. And practice deep breathing to ease your anxiety.

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FRANCLYN 11/10/2010 12:24PM

    More prayers from my end. Keep us posted.

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ADIPOSEROSE 11/10/2010 12:06PM

    One thing it could be is totally normal, too. Don't count chickens before they hatch, and don't let the nightmares get you before they happen. God bless!

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CHIRORENGO 11/10/2010 11:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MPARKER67 11/10/2010 11:04AM

    Sure hope you doctor visit turned out to be nothing. Prayers and emoticon

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REMEMBER2BME 11/10/2010 10:29AM

    Hum. Well you are doing the right thing by going to the doc and then based on the results you will come up with a plan (if needed) and go with it. Try to stay positive and in control. We are with you.

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PCOH051610 11/10/2010 9:51AM

    Sending prayers your way! I hope everything works out okay. emoticon

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TOPCATSEALS 11/10/2010 9:34AM

    HUGS! It sounds like you caught it early. Please let us know what you find out. My thoughts are with you!

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OLDERDANDRT 11/10/2010 9:25AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CINCYDORA 11/10/2010 9:11AM

    [hugs] You'll get through it. Spend the next day dreaming of that Emerald Isle and the appt will come up before you know it. Hopefully the news from the doc will be quick to come and all good. I think our bodies like to play little tricks on us to keep us on our toes.

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LOVESLIFE48 11/10/2010 8:28AM

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way. Please keep us posted. emoticon emoticon

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WOMANCHEF 11/10/2010 8:23AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. emoticon

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LA_EATS 11/10/2010 8:15AM

    This same thing happened to my mom a couple of years ago. She had a cyst that was totally benign, but she did have surgery. My thoughts are with you. Please keep us updated.

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AMYISSUCCEEDING 11/10/2010 7:57AM

    Thinking of you and hope everything is okay.
emoticon emoticon

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PRUPLEBEAR 11/10/2010 7:28AM

    hugs!

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FERRETLOVER1 11/10/2010 7:10AM

    I will be thinking of you - hope everything ends up okay!

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COOLMAMA11 11/10/2010 6:50AM

    Hi I know where you coming from, but I would rather know what I'm dealing with, rather than worrying about what it could be! You are in my thoughts, hope all goes well for you!

Hugs Elaine emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IONA72 11/10/2010 5:26AM

    Oh I can see why you are worried, good luck hope it turns out to be nothing serious

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/10/2010 4:52AM

    My thoughts are with you.

Kris xx

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SHERYLDS 11/10/2010 4:51AM

    thinking of you

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WINDSONG~ 11/10/2010 3:47AM

    Sending hugs and prayers

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LIVELIGHTENFREE 11/10/2010 2:11AM

    Blessings...

emoticon

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FABRICGIRL1 11/10/2010 1:04AM

  Thinking of you!

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CAROLFAITHWALKR 11/9/2010 11:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MONETRUBY 11/9/2010 11:20PM

    Sending you emoticon, best wishes, and prayers, and hopes for the best news from your doctor. Please let us know what the outcome is.

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LJCANNON 11/9/2010 11:10PM

    emoticonWill be praying for you tonight and in the morning too. Let us know what is happening when you can.

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SKIRNIR 11/9/2010 10:39PM

    The best I can say is maybe you will get a reason for it? Better than the wondering and worry?

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DAWNFIRE72 11/9/2010 10:38PM

    Sorry to hear that you are having more problems. Hope that things go alright for you. emoticon

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TERRI289 11/9/2010 10:14PM

    Goodluck!! I am thinking of you and praying for you!!

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IMSMILEY88 11/9/2010 10:11PM

    I will say a prayer right now! Hopefully it is nothing!

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DONNAJZ4241 11/9/2010 10:10PM

    Sending hugs and prayers your way that everything will turn out okay.

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MAMIE57 11/9/2010 10:07PM

    Sending you hugs and good wishes to you that all will work out just fine and as always a candle too - WG

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CITYZOZO 11/9/2010 10:00PM

    best wishes on your appt... sending good vibes

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JUSTBIRDY 11/9/2010 9:59PM

    Hope all goes well! emoticon

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USFBULL 11/9/2010 9:59PM

    Hope all goes well emoticon emoticon

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COMFANFAN 11/9/2010 9:49PM

    Are you over 60? If not, it could just be your body's recovered from being overweight or from too much exercise or something like that, couldn't it? Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed for you. emoticon

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/9/2010 9:39PM

    sending you positive thoughts! hope it turns out to be nothing serious.

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AML05030 11/9/2010 9:39PM

    My mom had a historectomy after her period went wonky, and she loves that she got rid of it. You might like the verdict.

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LMMIMI 11/9/2010 8:57PM

    Think positive thoughts. Glad you are checking it out. Prayers are with you.

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VXWALL1942 11/9/2010 8:57PM

    Praying that you've positive outcome from dr visit.

vicki

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CARRAND 11/9/2010 8:51PM

    I actually had a similar situation a couple years after menopause. It turned out to be nothing serious. I think it was fluctuating hormone levels. I hope your problem turns out to be minor as well. You're smart to see the doctor so soon.

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SHANTISHANTI 11/9/2010 8:49PM

    Try to focus on the positive (however daunting that may be). Did you read The Secret? Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. Give your energy to thinking about being healthy and continuing your journey, don't give any power to worrying or negative thoughts. I'm so glad you are wise enough to go see the doctor as soon as you recognized there was a problem. My thoughts and prayers are with you....feel the positive energy!!!

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LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD 11/9/2010 8:37PM

    I'm glad you are going to see the dr. My prayers are with you! emoticon

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SAMI199 11/9/2010 8:24PM

    I'll be praying...could be something quirky,but not serious-hormones are baffling...Hang in there!

emoticon

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JUDYPOPPINS 11/9/2010 8:18PM

    Prayers & positive thoughts coming your way. You're smart to get to the doctor and get answers now. I know it's hard not to worry.
emoticon

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BETHKK 11/9/2010 8:17PM

    Praying for a positive outcome!

emoticon

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NURSE_FAWN 11/9/2010 8:09PM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us updated. emoticon

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Emotional week

Sunday, November 07, 2010

I'm tired from the emotional roller coaster I spent the week riding.

Wednesday was my mid-year review at work. My annual review this year wasn't great, so I wasn't looking forward to it. Besides, my upbringing has made me very leery of the words "I need to talk to you." (When my father said it, he usually followed it up by knocking my head sideways). Well, my review glowed! My boss said she's extremely happy with how I'm doing.

But here's where it gets crazy. I knew the apartment complex would be paving my section of the parking lot on Thursday, so I had to be out for 24 hours (they said there would be parking and walkways available, but the parking filled up fast and none of it was within walking distance for ME). My ex said I could crash in his spare room overnight. Well, it DID give me a chance to see my son.

But his place IS the apartment I picked out for us when we were together. I spent the entire evening listening to him talk about his new girlfriend and watching him scratch various body parts (UGH). Well, at least I got to see my son, and ex DID let me watch Iron Chef America (he usually watches World's Dumbest Criminals -- I am not kidding). I slept very poorly, since I'm a touchy sleeper under the best of circumstances. I then had to go to work after only a sponge bath with baby wipes (his shower isn't working).

I went to work exhausted and really blue. I tried so hard to make the marriage work, but he wasn't interested. My beautiful son, who should have a career and a family now, is confined to bed and can't even talk. Mr. Can't Bother To Shower has a new relationship and I'm living on fantasies because nobody will even look at me.

I should probably stop whining now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINRONNA 11/12/2010 1:37PM

    Congratulations on your excellent job review! I am proud of you. You are a very strong woman as well to be able to stand listening to all that "hoo ha" coming from your ex. It is great that you got to see your son and it is great that you have moved on in life and are not with your ex. I pity the woman who is...don't you? You are on to bigger and better things. I understand that you feel lonely but hon, it is better to be alone than to be with some one who treated you poorly. You are an exceptional person and have wonderful things coming your way lady!

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 11/9/2010 12:51AM

    The 'great review' at work sounds good, and I am glad that you had a visit with your son. Those things are both GREAT! Also glad that now you have a newly paved parking lot at your apartment. I am sorry that your marriage did not work out. If he 'wasn't interested' in making the marriage work, you would have been miserable, so maybe things did work out in what was in YOUR best interests. Take care, and keep in touch.

HUGS
Pam

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VXWALL1942 11/8/2010 9:33PM

    How wonderful that your review 'glowed'! Good for you. Focus on the pleasure you got from that experience. I'm surprised you think others can't see the delightful, intelligent and caring individual you are. Don't get down on you. Glad you got to see your son. Sorry you had to watch the scratching and got no shower.

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ZURDTA- 11/8/2010 4:04PM

    emoticon you have endured so much in your life and the weight is still there. It's not fair that your son is the way he is, or that your ex has a girlfriend and you, the kind, loyal, thoughtful you is lonely. I guess it was a mistake to stay over, even though it was practical.

emoticon BUT you did get a great result in your appraisal, so you have been doing something pretty special at work to turn things around.

MONETRUBY is right "...Take comfort in the fact that you have some wonderful friends, wonderful talent, and a wonderful heart to be shared when you find the guy who is finally intelligent enough to see your true beauty."



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MPARKER67 11/8/2010 10:39AM

    Think of the good review at work and the wonderful supper you made for your friends. So what if there isn't one person you have to cook and clean and always be available. You can make your own choices and do what you want, when you want.

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JUDYPOPPINS 11/8/2010 9:32AM

    Congrats on the good work review. You should be proud of yourself. Unfortunately we cannot change other people no matter how much we would like to. Sorry you've had an emotional rollcoaster of a weekend. It is difficult. I'm very impressed that through it all, you've looked for some positive things like getting to your see your son and seeing your program not another. Get through today and give yourself some extra TLC tonight...a nice soothing bath and cup of something you love. Then look in the mirror and actually see the empowered woman standing there...tell her she is strong (I know you may not feel it, but somehow when we keep telling ourselves...eventually a small kernal of belief begins to grow.
emoticon

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CJBIRDJO 11/8/2010 9:25AM

    ((hugs)) Life really isn't fair, but do try to look forward, not back. Hang on the good review at work, you deserve it. you will turn heads, bank on it. Focus on today, and keep your son close to your heart. emoticon

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KIRSTA_S 11/8/2010 8:01AM

    Many hugs - stay strong. Stay beautiful. Congrats on your great review at work - and how cool that you got to spend time with your son. Enjoy your fantasies - that's what keeps us going while we make our dreams happen. The constantly-evolving you is an amazing thing.

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1STCINDERALLA 11/8/2010 3:09AM

    Sometimes life is plain and simple not fair. My heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you. Hang in there.

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/8/2010 3:02AM

    It is great that you had a really good work review ( I always hated them too!.) I would focus on that as much as possible.

Kris

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WINDSONG~ 11/8/2010 2:47AM

    emoticon

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MONETRUBY 11/7/2010 11:14PM

    So glad to hear about the great review at work, and to hear that you were able to see your son. As a fellow long-time-single woman, I know it can get really lonely sometimes. Take comfort in the fact that you have some wonderful friends, wonderful talent, and a wonderful heart to be shared when you find the guy who is finally intelligent enough to see your true beauty.

emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 11/7/2010 10:35PM

    Glad you had the shining spot of the good work review. I can't imagine that someone wouldn't see the charming, intelligent, shining spirit you are.

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LINDABEAR3 11/7/2010 7:49PM

    Life really sucks sometimes doesn't it? emoticon emoticon

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SKPOEM 11/7/2010 7:41PM

  Hang in there. It's always hard with ex's. Mine likes to talk about his wife, and his wife insists on talking to MY husband about her sex life before and after marriage... You'd think they'd get that we AREN'T interested in them, it's the kids we care about!

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/7/2010 6:17PM

  Sorry about the ucky stuff. Thrilled about your job review. Hugs for coming off the roller coaster!

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ONEKIDSMOM 11/7/2010 5:46PM

    emoticon for the good work review. emoticon for having to "roll with the punches" and stay a few days with ex. I know how that can be even when it is YOUR choice to leave the relationship... you see the good AND the bad.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know there are others rooting for you. You're worth taking care of, and emoticon

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MRS*RADISH 11/7/2010 5:17PM

  emoticon

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WILLOWWINDS 11/7/2010 5:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


It is ok to feel down. Just don't stasy there.

Onward. Keep on, Keepin on.

emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 11/7/2010 4:54PM

    Glad that you were able to stay at your ex's house & visit with your son, even if it wasn't under the best of circumstances. Glad that you got to enjoy your show. Hopefully you're back in your apartment now. Congratulations on the glowing review with your boss. I hope that you'll soon find a more positive view of yourself. You seem like a beautiful person to me. Love, Dawn emoticon emoticon

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CARRAND 11/7/2010 4:36PM

    I know it's hard to do, but focus on the positives. You work review was glowing! I would love to say the same about mine. You're still friendly enough to crash at your ex's apartment! That just proves what a lovely lady you are. Life is always a roller coaster, but you're riding it well.

emoticon

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SHERYLDS 11/7/2010 4:12PM

    I'm confused.
glowing review...check
ex with whom you have a good enough relationship that he lets you crash at his place, and he lets you watch your programs...check
you get to spend time with your son...check
BUT
he talked about his new girlfriend...okay not so good.
Maybe next time...tell him you're happy he's getting his life together but it hurts you to hear him talking about his girlfriend. be honest. It sounds like you have an amicable relationship regardless of the negatives.

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IONA72 11/7/2010 3:48PM

    Thanks for sharing with us, it sounds like a difficult situation to cope with, seems like you are better without your ex. Stay positive and I hope we can make you feel strong.

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BARBROCKS 11/7/2010 3:03PM

    Hi Mary - Being around an ex can be so hard. Sometimes it isn't that we miss them but seeing them makes us face our broken dreams... actually, he doesn't sound like a dream but a nightmare. I can't imagine what it would be like to have such a child with health problems. I really admire you for doing so well at work when you have so many things to deal with. You can do this!

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CAROLFAITHWALKR 11/7/2010 2:57PM

    I'm with you on reviews. "Well, my review glowed! My boss said she's extremely happy with how I'm doing." THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO WONDERFUL, CONGRATULATIONS! You said before your boss is good and that's a great thing; I have definitely felt - and definitely been - discriminated against as a fat person.

Sounds like Mr. Hygienic who is scratching himself, needs to get his shower working.

In really tough circumstances I repeat the positives like a litany - you're already doing that - sometimes life is hard and just for getting through it, we win the battle.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FAITH2712 11/7/2010 2:47PM

    You're ex sounds very unpleasant , you're a wonderful person who deserves to be loved and cherished , think about yourself and your journey to a healthier and happier life .
what matters the most is YOU !! and people who love and appreciate YOU and don't say you're whining , we're all here to help and support each other .
Let me know how you're doing .


emoticon

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CHIRORENGO 11/7/2010 2:32PM

    Mary you aren't whining. You are sharing and it is good that you speak out and share instead of internalizing. Your ex sounds like an A--! World's dummest criminals - are you serious!

Here is a super cyber hug emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

BTW - I also get nervous when someone says "I need to talk to you" or "we need to talk" - Lord forbid they say it in Spanish!

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MILLISMA 11/7/2010 1:36PM

    Please don't consider it whining, think of it as reaching out. That had to be very difficult for you. You ex sounds very insensitive to me. He was kind to let you stay but he should have kept his mouth shut.

Try to think of the positives in your life.....you are working very hard to become healthier, you have a son you love very much and your review was awesome. Hold your head high and be proud. You're an awesome lady.

emoticonMary Anne

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On a (fin) and a prayer

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I had guests last night and I made cioppino (Italian seafood stew) and homemade rolls for dinner. My guests are Italian, so I was a little nervous because I'd never made cioppino before and it's an Italian-American classic. Well, I got some luck right off the bat, because the store had both the shrimp and clams on sale! In fact, large shrimp were only $3.99 per pound, so I bought an extra pound and it's in my freezer. So I started off prepping the shellfish:



(I may be a bit of a dork, but I think clamshells are gorgeous.) So I shelled the shrimp and gave the clams their "spa treatment." You have to soak clams in at least two changes of water and a little cornmeal to clean out the grit. (Sand is not my favorite condiment in my stew.) I also cut up a pound of red snapper fillets. You can use any mild white fish you like.

Meantime, I started the broth:



It involves crushed tomatoes, garlic, onions, red bell pepper, olive oil, oregano, basil, red pepper flakes, lemon juice and red wine. I gotta tell you, this smelled great! I can't really tell you an exact recipe because the amounts were, as my grandmother would say, "by guess and by God."

When the broth came to the boil and smelled really great, I added the seafood.



My guests wanted crab in it, so they brought it. Can you say "yummy?"



I cooked it until the clams opened and the crab was hot, and served it with the rolls I baked. If I do say so myself (and I do), it turned out really well for a first attempt.



Of course, the best part of any meal is the people you share it with! My good friends Paolo and Diane said they really enjoyed the dinner.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMJUSTFLUFFY 11/9/2010 10:24PM

    Yummy!

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GRAMMACATHY 11/5/2010 1:17AM

    A wonderful blog, a beautiful meal and great friends. How fun!

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DIFROMWYOMING 11/3/2010 7:52AM

    Looks yummy!

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TRACYZABELLE 11/3/2010 5:15AM

    good job

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JUNEBUG4967 11/2/2010 2:31PM

    Yummy!

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CAROLFAITHWALKR 11/2/2010 5:11AM

    Lovely!

Yes I do think you must have a knack for this!

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SKPOEM 11/2/2010 4:18AM

  That's your first try? From the looks of things you'd think you'd been doing it for a while. You really need to make it as a chef!

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 11/1/2010 10:42PM

    This is good food! Ah, for the days of plenty of good, crusty semolina bread to sop every drop from the bowls.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 11/1/2010 10:42PM

    This is good food! Ah, for the days of plenty of good, crusty semolina bread to sop every drop from the bowls.

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CAROLJEAN64 11/1/2010 9:03PM

    How wonderful! You are a chef.... not a cook!

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/1/2010 4:55PM

    I could smell and taste it from here :-)
Kris xx

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MPARKER67 11/1/2010 11:06AM

    emoticon

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MONETRUBY 10/31/2010 10:00PM

    Looks so delicious! Yum.

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CARRAND 10/31/2010 8:03PM

    It look fantastic! I used to make home made rolls. Then I found out I was gluten intolerant, so I don't make them much any more because I can't eat them. I could eat your stew, though!

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MILLISMA 10/31/2010 4:38PM

    Okay, now I'm hungry. It looks great and sounds like you all had a wonderful time.

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WINFIELD28 10/31/2010 4:34PM

    What a nice evening!
Your dish looks yummy!
Thanks for sharing it with us!

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GAYLE-G-63 10/31/2010 3:42PM

    All I can say is OMG does that look delicious!!! Just the picture itself made my mouth water!

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COOLMAMA11 10/31/2010 3:34PM

    A great meal, with good friends, what could be better? Looks really yummy!

Hugs Elaine emoticon

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GVANSCOOT 10/31/2010 3:02PM

  Please send some to Chicago. ! Looks de...licious!

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COLONELD1 10/31/2010 2:49PM

    Looks yummy! I bet it tasted great.Ever cook it on a big green egg emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 10/31/2010 1:41PM

    Everything looked yummy! Great job! Love ya, Dawn emoticon

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MT-MOONCHASER 10/31/2010 1:33PM

    emoticon

emoticon

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VXWALL1942 10/31/2010 1:29PM

    Luscious! And the dinner rolls are works of art too!

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KELRAJ 10/31/2010 1:19PM

    Looks like you enjoyed a great meal with some great friends!

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0309COOKIE 10/31/2010 1:15PM

    That dish looked absolutely scrumptious!

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