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My red-haired angel

Thursday, December 02, 2010

You've noticed my Christmas avatar. This angel represents my daughter, Margaret.

I carried Margaret for ten months, and she weighed 10 3/4 pounds at birth. She had the darkest red hair I've ever seen on a newborn. My ex and my in-laws had always told me that Irish is a terrible, low-class thing to be. Well, my Margaret was the most Irish-looking baby I've ever seen, and she had the attitude to match. In the words of the classic film The Quiet Man, "Oh, that red head is no lie."

When she was one day old, the doctor told me to give her a bottle of water (she was breast-fed and had never tasted a rubber nipple before). Well, she shoved the nipple back out of her mouth with her tongue and absolutely GLARED at me! "Whatever that was, I did NOT like it!" She never tasted a bottle again.

Her big brother was in ICU at the time from being hit by a pick-up truck. We were bracing ourselves to lose him. Instead, Margaret grew her wings at the age of one month, a victim of SIDS. I've scourged myself for years -- I put her down on her tummy to sleep, and now they say that can contribute to SIDS. Sometimes I still wonder if I caused her to die.

I have two consolations in this. One, I know that my little bundle of attitude is keeping Sts. Peter and Patrick absolutely hopping! The other is that she's with her great-grandmother. My grandmother Margaret (my father's mother) is my other guardian angel, a skinny, frail old woman who would tell my father and my uncle to quit picking on me (big macho men -- I was six at the time). I lost her when I was seven, but I said from the time I could talk that my first daughter was going to be named Margaret. I imagine her holding my little redhead.

Margaret, a stor -- I miss you so much. I wish I could have given you a Christmas.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

USE2BWILD 12/18/2010 7:33PM

    Your Margaret sounds so lovable. My heart goes out to you today. I caonnot imagine loosing a child. Your baby was grateful to be cared for in such a loving way. She was nursed... and I imagine she had a big appetitie for a little one being such a big baby. You did what we were all told at that time. As we were instructed to lie tha babies on their tummies. So your Margaret was cared for the very best way you knew how to care for her. You are a wonderful Mom. You must not blame yourself as Margaret would not want you to be sad. She would want you to be at peace with her journey to heaven to be with the angles and to meet Jesus face to face. If she could she would dry all your tears and rejoyce in your peace. Hugs, Mcgee emoticon emoticon

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PAULETTELORAINE 12/9/2010 10:15PM

    My son was 27 when he took his own life. Parents are not suppose to bury their children. Holidays are the hardest for me, as I am sure they are for you. Remember, you will meet again and your joy will be complete. In the meantime, reach out to others that are hurting and it will help your own pain.
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DEBBIEDAY 12/9/2010 7:31PM

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CHIRORENGO 12/9/2010 1:37PM

    All I can do is give you a cyber hug. Your story and love this child is beautiful. My heart goes out to you.

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MINDYJ1 12/9/2010 1:24PM

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SPARKPIXIE 12/9/2010 12:52PM

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BRANDI.FEY 12/9/2010 10:35AM

    This brought tears to my eyes. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, but your love and understanding humbles me. God bless you this Christmas. I'm sure your little Margaret is smiling down at you.

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LESLIES537 12/9/2010 10:24AM

    What a sweet little angel you have. I'm partial to red heads and to angels myself and am really touched by your blog. Holidays can be very hard, this I understand. There's a poem a dear spark friend of mine posted yesterday and I thought I'd share it with you in hopes that it brings you some comfort. God Bless you.

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda White
© Copyright 1999



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IZZYBEBOP 12/7/2010 4:46PM

    Bless your heart. God just needed another little angel. You did nothing wrong and did not cause her to die.
What a great blog to remember her by.

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LESLIEJEAN43 12/6/2010 6:54PM

    Thank you for sharing the story of your daughter Margaret.
I have also lost a daughter, and bear guilt feelings as well, although the circumstances were entirely different.
I know that your daughter Margaret and my daughter Catherine are in heaven, and are our guardian angels.
Love, Leslie

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DEVORA4 12/5/2010 1:26AM

  emoticon emoticonThere are 2 tears here. One for each of us. I lost my son Bradley to Tay Sachs disease. {a jewish genetic disorder} He was 2 years old. I know that my grandmother and father are taking care of him in heaven.

As far as being Irish, my mom was born in Cork, Ireland. My grandparents were en route to the USA from Russia and didn't have enough money to make it to the USA at that time so they had a few years waitover in Ireland. I am proud of my Irish/American/Jewish ancestory and have often said that there's a bit of Irish in every fun loving person.

You take care and to be sure your baby girl is in Heaven celebrting Christmas. debby ps My hair is red like Maureen O'Hara's hair in the Quiet Man, which is one of my fav movies.

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AHEALTHIERME9 12/4/2010 1:15PM

    Wow... you just brought me to tears, my friend... You are beautiful... and she is watching over you knowing how you feel and how you ache about what happened.

She doesn't want you to blame yourself. She wants you to see it differently, that God had a purpose for her being here for the little time that He intended for her to be here. It is up to you to rise from the guilt and celebrate all her beauty, cherish the memories, and hold onto all the love you have for her -- without blaming yourself.

This Christmas, she wants you to not think about the presents you would have given her; she wants to give YOU the present of self-forgiveness and release of guilt.

Accept her gift and remember her for all her strength, love, and beauty and the wonder she brought into your life, if only for a short time.

Love,

Debbie>
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SOFEDUPP 12/3/2010 10:06PM

    What a beautiful and touching blog!!! I am sure that both Margarets are watching over you!!

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VXWALL1942 12/2/2010 11:52PM

    With 2 of my own children now angels in Heaven, I know the pain of losing a child regardless of age. Love surrounds them from the moment they are born and beyond. Your tribute to Margaret today has brought her back into the lives of those who never knew her. Blessings on you and for the little Irish lassie!

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MONETRUBY 12/2/2010 11:34PM

    Having not lost a child, I cannot say I understand. But please know that my heart and prayers are with you, and know that I believe just as you do, that your precious Margaret is an angel in heaven.

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MILLISMA 12/2/2010 10:06PM

    Can't imagine the loss of a child. I'm sure she is looking down on you as she keeps the saint busy. She will always be in your heart. Sending you hugs.

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 12/2/2010 8:33PM

    Honey... when my children were born we were instructed to always make sure to lay them on their tummies so that they didn't spit up & choke. There are religions that believe that when tiny babies are lost during pregnancy or in their first years that they were the greatest warriors in heaven... the spiritual giants that only needed a physical body & NOT the experience that life provides us. You are so right that your Margaret is an Angel. I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain bleeds through your written word. You're in my thoughts and prayers my friend. Love, Dawn emoticon emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 12/2/2010 3:28PM

    I always knew you had a great and loving heart, I just never realized how wonderful it is. First and foremost, when my babies were born (31 and 36 years ago) we were told to place babies on their tummies so they didn't choke if they spit up. Margaret was a special gift to you. I don't know why she came, why she stayed for so meagre an amount of time, but I do know she is still in your heart, living with the vibrancy and attitude that only a wonderful red-haired Irish woman can have. Live that way for her!

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OLDERDANDRT 12/2/2010 2:52PM

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THINRONNA 12/2/2010 2:49PM

    First of all...we know that being Irish is definitely NOT terrible and low class! Many other people only wish they too were Irish! Next...just like everyone else here is saying, you absolutely did not cause your sweet Margarets untimely death. There is no way to know why that happened but for sure it was not because of you! This world can be terribly unfair and my good friend you have had your share of misfortune that is true. You don't deserve one bit of it. You are so good and caring. I am so sorry for little Margaret being taken from you so soon. No one should have to go through that. I do know that she would want all the best for her lovey Mommy though. She does not want you to suffer, she wants you to be healthy and she wants you to be happy. I want these things for you too. emoticon

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 12/2/2010 2:24PM

  I always love hearing about your Margaret - though she was with you for such a short time (which is so terribly sad), she watches over you & you are so aware of that (which is beautiful). Maybe she & my Peanut are friends?!

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1STCINDERALLA 12/2/2010 1:47PM

    What a beautiful story. Loosing babies is really difficult. My heart goes to you

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LUVDOGZ 12/2/2010 12:13PM

    Oh, I have no words.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I am so sorry for your loss.

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GETFIT2LIVE 12/2/2010 11:35AM

    As others said, you did not 'cause' your precious girl's death. SIDS is a complex thing; they really do not know for sure what causes it. I'm sure your grandmother and girl are together in heaven watching over you and want you to find comfort in that.

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PRETTYLILHEFFER 12/2/2010 11:17AM

    She will always be looking down at you! You were an amazing to mother to her, and always will be! emoticon

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WINFIELD28 12/2/2010 11:06AM

    Here's a big hug for you today! emoticon

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KARRYB1 12/2/2010 10:59AM

    She brought joy to your life for such a short time, cherish that and put all negatives behind you.I'm sure she is close by all the time. emoticon

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VICIOUS421 12/2/2010 10:53AM

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PARKERB2 12/2/2010 10:49AM

    Thinking of you! emoticon

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ADIPOSEROSE 12/2/2010 10:21AM

    I agree with the other posts above. Most babies of the "boomer" generation were put on their tummies for a nap--because the wisdom then said they could choke, sleeping on their backs, if they had a cold or any other kind of congestion! YOU DID NOT CAUSE MARGARET'S DEATH, and if that little innocent could speak, she would be cross with you for thinking all these years that you might have done so. It's called SIDS because no one really knows what causes it--but if you want to see the myriad things that can go wrong with a human being even before he or she leaves the womb, take a course in genetics.

Your sweet angel never had a Christmas, true--but she also didn't have a chance to do anything but give you love, and bring some joy into your lives, however brief. She'll never break your heart, run away from home, get involved with the wrong people, or look at you with fury flashing in her eyes and say something cruel.

This Christmas, give her a present, and donate to the SIDS foundation (http://www.sids.org/) to help fund research that might keep other parents from suffering the way you have. Go to a SIDS support group (http://www.cjsids.org/grief-and-be
reavement/if-youre-bereaved.html) and comfort other people who have had the same terrible experience. DO SOMETHING in little Margaret's name to help others, and you will help yourself, too.

God bless you, and Merry Christmas to Margaret in Heaven.

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MPARKER67 12/2/2010 9:45AM

    My son always slept on his stomach because that is what the doctors said at the time. He is 41 so I don't think that had anything to do with it. emoticon Don't beat up yourself. You had another truly terrible ordeal also at the time. You are an amazingly strong woman.

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STACEYLEIGH13 12/2/2010 9:18AM

    That's awful. Please don't blame yourself. Experts have went back and forth on how to lay your baby to sleep. I was a tummy sleeper, as were all the other babies in my family. I am so sorry that you never got to watch her grow.

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OPALMOON 12/2/2010 9:15AM

    They will both be with you in spirit - I am sure they continue to watch over us - and that they are indeed together with each other. Blessings and hugs to you.

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BRIDIE5 12/2/2010 8:32AM

  Forever in your heart..

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PEGGYMAS1 12/2/2010 8:30AM

    we all blame ourselves for a loss but it's not your fault things happen. Just remember your little one and hold her close to your heart, she will always be with you. emoticon

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TOPCATSEALS 12/2/2010 7:20AM

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PRUPLEBEAR 12/2/2010 7:12AM

    Hugs!

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ONEKIDSMOM 12/2/2010 7:03AM

    emoticon Perhaps, instead, she will give you a special Christmas... may your heart know the comfort of His great Love, and her pure love, too, attitude and all.

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LOZINJST4ME 12/2/2010 6:52AM

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GAYLEP67 12/2/2010 5:02AM

    What a horrible (and completely untrue) thing for your ex and inlaws to say to you! One of my dearest friends is a redheaded Irishman and he has more class and grace than most people can ever hope to have. He is one of the most kindest, caring people I have ever known and he is also fiercely proud of his Irish heritage! emoticon

Please don't punish yourself for what happened to your little angel. God just wanted her with him and she is watching over you and her big brother alongside your Grandmother.
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AUNGERER 12/2/2010 4:25AM

    I'm so sorry for your lost may God Comfort you and your family this Christmas Season!

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ZURDTA- 12/2/2010 4:01AM

    RIP

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TRACYZABELLE 12/2/2010 2:17AM

    We know it was not your fault, SIDS happens.. I am sorry you lost your little angel so soon after her birth.

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CHARITYCYCLIST 12/2/2010 2:12AM

    I am a dark redhead & my mother's name was Margaret. I have children too & cannot imagine losing one of them, at any time. I'm not sure that there is anything anybody can say to help you with the pain of losing your Angel. However, I am absolutely certain that nothing you ever did or did not do caused your little one to leave this world so early in her life. There's no explaining it, no understanding something so senseless. There can only be acceptance & moving forward.

Imagine her resting in Peace.

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SLIMMERKIWI 12/2/2010 1:20AM

    LI - you did NOT cause your beautiful little Margaret to die!! Just as there are many reports to say this putting a young baby on their tummy to sleep, there are many to suggest that this is entirely inaccurate. There are a LOT of varying "causes" out there. I would be inclined to think that even tho' your little angel was only a little baby, I know how strong physically babies of that weight are - my own grandson was 10lb 14oz (and 2 nephews were over 10lb as well) and I have seen them shift their heads while asleep, in a similar way as we would.

I have a feeling that your Grandmother IS holding her namesake :-)

Kris xx

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Badly mixed feelings (warning -- religious ideas inside)

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I'm lonely and starving for community. I'm alienated from the Catholic Church I grew up in. I have tried other churches but I always feel as if I'm betraying a loved one when I do (when I was growing up, "Protestants" was an insult. This is in no way the way I think now.). Also, "Irish Catholic" is almost one word to a lot of people. I feel as though I'm betraying my ancestors who died for the right to practice the faith.

But recent developments from the Church make it impossible for me, in good conscience, to return. I'm considering a Presbyterian church me that looks really appealing. It looks like a wonderful, vibrant community with a lot of activities and committees to appeal to different people. But my Catholic conscience is kicking me badly. Also, I'm terrified of new situations where I might be judged based on my size and ungainly appearance.

I want to. I don't know what to do.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INDYPEARTREE 12/10/2010 7:25AM

    Mark 10:29 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

Luke 9:5
If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.”

Jesus is interested in a personal relationship with you, not traditions of man. Do not receive condemnation, it's not from God. If you do not feel at home in a church, then move on to one that you feel welcome in. The body of Christ reaches much further than a building as you can see from these postings. While fellowship with believers is important, you can find them everywhere, not just at a church. Continue to pray for direction and believers to come into your life to support you.

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PAULETTELORAINE 12/9/2010 10:12PM

    Pray. You don't need someone to intercede for you - you have that power within yourself. God wants to have a personal relationship with you if you let Him. He will lead you to the right place of worship. The right place will have people that will encourage you, not judge you. They will welcome you and love you. But all churches are filled with people, and people always let you down at sometime. If that happens, don't walk away too quickly, pray more and reach out to someone less fortunate than yourself. Don't let your past beat you up. Let your courage get you to where you want to be. I care.
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SPARKPIXIE 12/9/2010 1:03PM

    Pray, and follow your heart. You can worship God anywhere! But if what you are needing is community, then you should look for a church that can give you that.

I grew up Catholic. I am now Pentecostal (holy rollers, they call us...lol) and I am so glad I went with my heart on this one. I still appreciate my Catholic roots.

I understand your worry about being judged by your appearance. I'm the same way. But you need to hold your head up and remember that you are a beautiful child of God. Present yourself as what you are; a decent, loving, caring (and fun too, I bet) person.

Best wishes on your decision!

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KARENA-G 12/7/2010 5:56PM

    I belong to the Episcopal Church where lots of members grew up Catholic. If fact, I'm told that our service is more traditional than most Catholic services today. You might want to check out your nearest Episcopal Church. Be sure to talk to the priest about your feelings. I'm sure he or she can direct you to others who have made the transition from the Catholic to the Episcopal Church, along with a few Irish Catholics.

This transition allows you to continue to partake of the Eucharist every week with others who believe that the wine and bread are truly the body of Christ.

I noticed on your Huddle that you're needing support and on your Sparkpage that you may be getting sick. Please let me know how I may support you on your journey to honor your self--body, mind, and spirit.

Peace,
Karen

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VALERIENEAL 12/4/2010 12:55PM

    I too grew up Catholic, and although I'm an American through and through, I come from good Irish stock. My 2 cents would be stop focusing on religion and work on a relationship. Seek Him and Him alone, He will answer and show you the way!!!!

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SHAPNUP 12/2/2010 7:16PM

    I was raised Catholic, but left the church in my teens. In my early twenties, I started checking out all kinds of denominations, researching beliefs, and I spent good amounts of time in many of them. I met some wonderful Christian people.

Then, in my early 40's I decided to research the Catholic religion, which I had never done. I just kind of grew up being told what to do, what to believe, and was taught not to question, so I didn't. This time I dug in, read a lot of books, talked to practicing Catholics, met with a priest for a while to get some questions answered, and prayed a lot.

I have been a practicing Catholic for a little over 7 years now, the longest I have spent in any denomination. I know there are problems in the church. There are problems in all the churches, not just Catholic. There are gifts in the church, too. There is history and beauty and the Eucharist. It means everything to me.

I don't know what recent developments you're talking about in the church that are making it impossible for you to return. Have you talked to a priest about it? If you have, and it didn't satisfy, maybe you could try another priest.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

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GOLDIN1 12/2/2010 5:59PM

    Go to the new church, and tell us how you did! Make a commitment to yourself to go once or twice, and that's all. Then see how you feel.

I am single, do not like new situations and on top of that have the same feelings you do about weight. I was scared that I would not be accepted. I went the first time, and was terrified. But, people are nice, and they welcomed me. Hopefully these are the type of people you will meet at the Presbyterian church. If not, try another... but sounds to me like they are good people, otherwise they would not have such a large, vibrant congregation!

Try to go this weekend -- no commitments -- just once.

Good luck!

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 12/2/2010 2:27PM

  I completely understand this. I feel the same way about "our" Church - I cannot go. But, being Irish Catholic is not just my religion, it is my cultural heritage. I teach for a Lutheran university, and if I converted, I could have a more secure position, but I just can't make myself do it. That being said, if you find a parish/church that fulfills your needs, then attend their services & events - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Later, make the bigger decisions about converting or whatever - you don't have to do that first or ever.

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KARRYB1 12/2/2010 11:11AM

    As long as you practice your faith , does it really matter which church? I rarely get to go to church but I am very spiratual and I pray every day. I don't think it matters to God as long as you stay close. emoticon

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ZURDTA- 12/2/2010 4:07AM

    I am not a religious person - however, I respect all religious beliefs and I know how much comfort 'belonging' is. One thing I do know is that Jesus did not make judgements, and if you are 'pulled' towards another church, perhaps Jesus wants you there - your ancestor's church was a different church and so they will not be betrayed. If they faced the same issues as you face now, they may get their Irish up and turn to another church too.

I think that God and Jesus are in every church, aren't they? And all churches are there for the good of the people, aren't they? Those that aren't, do not deserve anyone's patronage.



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HICKOK-HALEY 12/2/2010 2:21AM

    When you read about Christ, he wasn't a "church", he was about love and faith. Take his example, and go where you feel comfortable. I grew up in a Baptist Church. However, to this day, I prefer a non denominational church simply because I don't care for labels. Hope you find a church to enjoy! emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 12/1/2010 8:32PM

    God is love and a God of Grace. I truely feel that as long as you keep Him in your heart and believe in Him only, you're good to go! (so to speak). I am not and never have been Catholic, but have had many good friends who are or have been. The one phrase that always seems to come up is "Catholic guilt trip". I don't know about that, but I truely believe that you don't have to be in a Catholic church or even community to worship Him. Please, pray to be delivered from the "guilt" b/c you really have nothing to be guilty about. I promise.
Dear Lord, Help this child of yours to see You clearly and understand that keeping You upper most in her life is what's important and not the sign in front of the building she chooses to worship You in. Bless her and show her the best place to hear and learn your word. In the Name of our Blessed Lord, Jesus Christ.
Amen

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SUNSHINE084 12/1/2010 5:44PM

    Take the time and pray about your decision. Talk to a pastor about the church. You don't have to be ashamed of how you look. You just show up and enjoy the service anywhere, any time.. The door is always open. God LOVES you for who you are. The past is the past and today is the present.

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MILLISMA 12/1/2010 5:37PM

    I also grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school. I still go to the Catholic church but also attend other denominations. My parents always taught me that the church doesn't make a difference - it's believing in God. Wish you lived close by, I'd go with you.

Sending hugs....Mary Anne

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DCRIVERA 12/1/2010 5:28PM

    I was raised in so many religions it's crazy. My mom was a bible reader and to her that was the book of life. If it wasn't in there than it was something that man made up to scare people into submission to make money.
My mom would be sitting in church and literally get up and walk out when she heard something that wasn't in line with what the bible said.
I know that God is Love and that Jesus is the only mediator to him. Jesus die for us so that we might live. Given that knowledge I believe that a God of Love is not going to send me to hell for not belonging to a particular religion.
Live a good life, and by the principle outlined by Jesus. Share your faith with others and help them find peace. Be Christlike. All these doctrines that the churches teach don't mean a thing if it's not backed up by works.
God loves you and that's all you need to know.. everything else will fall into place.
Just keep doing HIS will and you will find what you are looking for.

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CAROLJEAN64 12/1/2010 5:21PM

    There is a mountain that stands before us. We almost all find ourselves at the foot of this mountain at some time in our lives. The mountain is our spiritual life. As we look at it, we see many paths. We may start out on one path and find that path does not lead us in the direction that pulls at our soul. So we try different paths. Eventually we find the path that speaks to our soul and to our need for connection to each other and to something beyond that cannot be defined, but we know is there. When we find that path, we may experience regret for the time we spent on the other paths.... but without those other paths we might not have known the one we have found finally is ours.
Mary, I believe you can honor your ancestors by believing in your Christian faith, in grace and in community anywhere your soul sings.
BTW- don't ever let your view of your exterior stand in your way. I have seen your heart and know it is filled with beauty and grace.

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THREEKITTYS 12/1/2010 4:40PM

    I also grew up a Catholic. I went to Catholic elementary, high school and a Catholic college. I stopped going to the Catholic church when I was first married. It was the end result of years and years of always feeling guilty and condemned.

I am a senior now and am fully convinced that we are saved by grace alone and not by works of man. I am happily and peacefully involved in a non-denominational church that preaches only the Word of God fully and truthfully.

The Bible tells us in Romans that there is NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST JESUS. If you feel any guilt, it is truly not coming from the Lord.

Be at peace and I will be praying that you find a full gospel, grace believing church. There is great community in these churches. But, please, make sure it teaches the truth of salvation only in our Lord Jesus Christ and not through any thing you have to do. He did it all. emoticon

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JUDYPOPPINS 12/1/2010 2:36PM

    Keep trying different churches. You do NOT go to hell because you aren't going to Catholic churches. I was brought up Catholic and now attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I tried several churches until I found the one that truly spoke to me and I just knew this was "my" church. God's church is all Christians denominations which believe in Him. Remember you are not going it alone, God is always with you even in a new and strange situation.
I pray you find "your church home"...it will fill you up with such joy and peace.


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WINFIELD28 12/1/2010 12:01PM

    I will pray that you will be lead in the direction you need to go!
Peace be with you!

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1STCINDERALLA 12/1/2010 10:59AM

    The amazing thing about is heaven is a lack of religions. The only people in heaven are those who have put their faith in Jesus Christ has their Savior. They are washed in the blood of the lamb (Jesus Christ) and their sins have been forgiven. Follow the voice of the Heavenly Father to what church you should go to. He will lead you.

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SARAWMS48 12/1/2010 9:49AM

    As a Catholic convert, I came to my faith from the opposite side. The God that I knew on the Protestant side and the God of the Catholic side are the same. Find a place where you are able to experience more of God's love for you.

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MPARKER67 12/1/2010 9:33AM

    It no longer matters. You are an adult. God loves you no matter what church you go to or even if you never go.

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MIZCATHI 12/1/2010 9:27AM

    Another way to think of Catholic conscience could be "Catholic brainwashing". I was also brought up in the Church, and even as a very young child I remember thinking that it didn't make sense to see other perfectly wonderful people not being good enough because they weren't Catholic. Also, a beloved Priest of our parish left to marry the widow with 8 children...

I belong to a Unitarian Church now and love the acceptance and sense of responsibility to the community. All religions are embraced, even those who practice humanism, as I refer to it.

Do what your heart tells you.



emoticon emoticon Cat

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SHARON2014 12/1/2010 9:11AM

    Check out a Presbyterian Church that is part of the EPC (Evangelical Presbyterian) - we go to one in our area and there are a people there of all backgrounds, including Catholic. Here is a link to find one in your area:

http://www.epc.org/chu
rch-locator/

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4DOGNIGHT 12/1/2010 8:38AM

    Try a Lutheran Church, ELCA, as well. After all Martin Luther was a Roman Catholic Priest who was dissatisfied with the teachings of the church and left, which started the Protestant Revolution. Luther did not agree with the practice of selling indulgences and having to pay for forgiveness of sins. He believed that we are saved by God's Grace alone. When you come to believe that God loves us no matter what situation we are in, you will have the Peace that passes understanding.
"Do not worry about anything but in...prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:1-9, v 6.
The Bible teaches us to forgive other people for their sins, but we must also forgive ourselves. Write down all your feelings. Once you do, then forgive yourself and get on with it. You will find many former Roman Catholics in the Lutheran, Episcopal, Presbyterian and Methodist Chuches. God loves you no matter what.

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BUGGYS 12/1/2010 7:50AM

    God will lead you and you shall find...try going to a few different churchs until you find the one that is right for you. Afew couple friends of mine also left the Catholic church for various reasons and came to my church which is congregational...that old Catholic "guilt" has followed them...it took several years before they relaized that it doesn't matter the building or the denomination...it matters that you are praying with HIM. Good luck!

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RITAROSE 12/1/2010 7:43AM

  I feel for you! This is very difficult I, too, was raised in the Catholic Church, went to parachioal school and even married in the Catholic church to a fellow Catholic.
Eight months after we were married my brother in law invited us to a Protestant church.
My husband and I left the Catholic church in agreement. It was very hard on our families. We belong to a Presbyterian Church and thank the Lord for that church. They have been wonderful helping us raise our 5 kids. It is a PCA (Presbyterian Church of America). We get very good sound preaching and teaching through the Sunday sermons, Sunday school, Bible studies, youth group for our kids, small group Bible studies and prayer groups. Our spiritual lives are a very important part of who we are.
I am praying that you will find a good fit for your needs! Hugs, Ritarose


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LORETTA24 12/1/2010 6:47AM

    emoticon God will help you to choose if you will allow him to do so. When I was growing up we moved several times a year almost every year. My dad was military and we went with him all over the world. He was catholic but left it because my mother (protestant) would not convert. Our family would go to church together every where we went regardless of what denomination it was that was available. It is difficult to go from one place to another. IF you are with your family it will always make it easier. "GOD" is your family and he will be with you wherever you go. Put him first and he will comfort you and guide you as you move about and find a church home that will encourage you to be your best for him. God will make it evident to you as he does with so many others. Go and visit the other churches asking God in prayer to guide you. As an adult I wandered from church to church for many years. One Sunday I visited a church that I was invited to by an acquaintance. I was sceptical but as soon as the service began I felt oddly at home as we began to worship. When the service was over I knew it was where I should be. Later on my husband and I moved and again I went searching for another church. For many months I visited many churches. God made it clear to me which church would be my new home. I stayed there for 24 years before (due to finances) the doors of my church had to close. I found myself searching for a church home again. It took me a few months before again finding another church. I know I am where I should be and those around me know it also. Denomination was not a deciding factor. God will give you the strength and comfort as you seek to find a spiritual home. Don't be afraid for God is with you! He knows what you need and where and whom you should be with in this place of your life. I have moved you up on my prayer list and will continue to so. Go and then ... (Psalms) "be still and know I am God". You will know. Love, hugs and blessings to you and keep smiling sunshine. emoticon

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KAKIPOPUP 12/1/2010 5:17AM

    You could try the Episcopal church - the liturgy is very similar to the one you're used to, but the organization of the church is very different -

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SHERYLDS 12/1/2010 5:12AM

    He doesn't care which phone you use or which route you drive down to get to His house, as long as you call and visit. It's like the story of the "Blind Men and the Elephant"...each church sees things a little differently, but in the end...God is God. Find yourself a community that makes you feel good, and enjoy.

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SLIMMERKIWI 12/1/2010 4:34AM

    I have a few friends who had been brought up Catholics in their younger childhood but had left in their teen years. Some went on to other Churches, and some left a "structured religion" altogether. One thing I have noticed is that MOST have had difficulties letting go of the childhood teachings at certain times of their lives because of the beliefs that were instilled in them at a very early age. I have heard many Catholics say "give me a chld before 7" attributed to St Fracis Xavier - obviously you are experiencing what was being referred to..

The suggestion to try many Churches and see what one feels the best fit for you is a VERY good one, and one that I hope you take up. You obviously need your spiritual side taken care of.

Don't be terrified of situations based on your size. Most people don't judge a book by it's cover - they look at the content inside! They will see inside of you a beautiful, caring person :-)

Kris xx

Comment edited on: 12/1/2010 4:35:57 AM

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TRACYZABELLE 12/1/2010 4:19AM

    You need to go where you feel comfortable-- I became catholic to get married to my catholic boyfriend but we broke up so no marriage-- I AM going back to my episcopal church where I was comfortable

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DEVORA4 12/1/2010 2:11AM

  You must do the right thing for yourself. My father was Catholic but converted to Judaism to marry my mother and he was a very proud Jew accepted well by the community. I am certainly not being negative towards any religion but they all have positive and negative aspects.

One comment was visit the churches around where you live and see which fits you. It is the right thing to do. Good luck! emoticon

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ANDYINBC 12/1/2010 1:14AM

    I am sorry to hear about the feelings you are going through. I am still part of the Catholic church and cannot imagine my life without it. The community which I am part is wonderful. I do understand the feelings about new situations. They can be such a challenge and so threatening, but remember, you have come through so much and achieved more. Wherever you go, people should be honoured to have you there. Give it time. You can do it. emoticon

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LJCANNON 12/1/2010 1:08AM

    Pray and visit several churches in your community. When you find the "Right" one you will feel it.
I went through the same feelings when I decided to change churches several years ago. I was not Catholic but I was raised that the Denomination where I was raised (my Grandfather was a Pastor there) was "The" Church. I tried several places before I found the one where I am now and I have been here for 10 years.
emoticonYou will be in my prayers.

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My night with the Cake Boss

Saturday, November 20, 2010



(A special thank you to the security guard at the Wells Fargo Center who took this picture with his Smart Phone -- doofus here left her camera in the glove box!)

I've been a fan of Buddy Valastro since Cake Boss premiered. I always found him to be engaging and funny. I know some people think they edit the show to make him look good. I can tell you after tonight, he doesn't need any help. He radiates energy, joy, warmth and -- love. I'm sorry if that sounds hokey, but it's the absolute truth.

The show was a lot of fun. He talked, took questions (while decorating an absolutely gorgeous wedding cake, practically without looking). He had people up on the stage for competitions to see who could frost a cupcake or make a frosting flower like he could (uh...nobody). He made a stunning frosting rosebud BLINDFOLDED. And he had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. Two extra-nice touches -- a sign-language interpreter for the hearing-impaired in the audience, and a staffer standing by the autograph line to photograph people with Buddy with their cameras. A lot of thought and care for the audience went into this show and made it even more special.

He stayed after the show to sign autographs. I'm told the line went all the way around the perimeter of the building, and it's not a small building. I can't stand for that length of time, so I sat in one of the folding chairs out in the lobby and waited two hours for my turn to get my copy of his book signed. It was worth every minute of it. When it was my turn he held out his arms and said, "Hello, sweetheart" and gave me an amazing hug. (I get one hug a week. I'll be living off of this one for a long time.) He signed my book and chatted with me for a moment. This was nearly midnight after what had to be an exhausting time for him (he's been on tour for the last several weeks).

I've loved the man on TV ever since the show premiered. It fills my heart to know the real man is even sweeter, warmer and more wonderful.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1MIN17SECB412PM 10/1/2011 4:54PM

    Oh, Irish, you REALLY opened my eyes to this wonderful person!! I have never got into the shows with cooks, chefs & bakers (mainly cuz' of my eating disorder) but... WOW!! What a new perspective!! Thanks for sharing, old friend!!

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CARLI_MAE 12/19/2010 2:15AM

    I've gotta watch that show ... he looks hot! LOL ... and it's so nice to finally know what YOU look like! I've been picturing you all this time as either a blonde or a red-head! emoticon

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SUNSHINE084 12/1/2010 5:49PM

    wow, what a great experience. I wonder what the wedding Cake looked like? How did you get tickets? well thanks for sharing your story. Great picture of you and him! emoticon

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4DOGNIGHT 12/1/2010 8:40AM

    Whoo Hoo for you! Always a thrill to meet a celebrity and have a pic!

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145HEALTHY 11/30/2010 12:51PM

    What a wonderful and exciting treat for you! You had your cake without the calories.
emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/30/2010 12:53:56 PM

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KAYGEEBEE12 11/26/2010 7:30PM

    You met the Cake Boss? I am so jealous.... emoticon

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CHINAGAL 11/24/2010 11:55AM

    Wonderful! What a great memory!
emoticon
Edna

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TRACYZABELLE 11/24/2010 12:43AM

    how exciting for you

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LOPEYP 11/22/2010 8:44PM

    Wow! That sounds like fun. He seems like a genuine guy who loves people and his community. His cakes are great too!

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BARBARASDIET 11/22/2010 3:05PM

    How fun! I've watched some of the shows and he always comes off as a nice guy!

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CAROLJEAN64 11/22/2010 11:57AM

    Lady I, I love the picture. I can see the joy in your eyes. What a great evening for you and it is always so nice to know that people are as nice or nicer in person that they appear when editors are in charge. I like Cake Boss too, but now I am going to watch it more because I know someone who was hugged by the Cake Boss.

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MPARKER67 11/22/2010 9:49AM

    What a wonderful experience. Love the picture.

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LJCANNON 11/22/2010 7:28AM

    I recently discovered the Cake Boss Show and am in awe of his talent. I was the MOST impressed by his reaction when one of his delivery Drivers was involved in a major wreck while delivering a cake. Buddy went to the scene immediately and his concern was for the Drivers of BOTH cars. His concern about his car (which was pretty much totaled) and for the Cake (which was safe) took a definite back seat to his concern for the PEOPLE involved. I had wondered if that was edited to make him look better, but after hearing your experience with him, I don't believe that it was.
emoticonThank you for sharing this.


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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/21/2010 7:45PM

  What a neat experience! And I love the picture. Yay!!!

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MONETRUBY 11/21/2010 4:13PM

    What a great experience! I love hearing that the well-known are kind, thoughtful people, not the egomaniacs we often see in the press. He sounds very down-to-earth and real.

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TWEETYKC00 11/21/2010 10:14AM

    what a great experience for you!

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SOFEDUPP 11/20/2010 11:24PM

    I think that is so cool!!! You are so very lucky to have met him!!

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CARTOONB 11/20/2010 10:54PM

    That is so cool!!! I'm so happy you were able to meet the Cake Boss! What a wonderful thing to have happened to you!

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WALKAWAY 11/20/2010 10:22PM

    That's just to cool. I've watch the show several times and am always in awe of the cakes.

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OLDERDANDRT 11/20/2010 8:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VEGASLADY24 11/20/2010 6:06PM

    emoticon Lucky You!! I'm so glad you got a chance to meet Buddy. Enjoy that HUG!! I watch Cake Boss all the time and he is amazing!! I just love the picture!! I'm going to go and have a WW Chocolate Cake bite now emoticon but I'll be dreaming I'm having a piece of Buddy's cakes!! emoticon emoticon

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MOM2ACAT 11/20/2010 5:01PM

    I read this on your other blog earlier today, I think it's awesome! He truly does sound like a very nice and caring man. I'm glad you got to meet him.

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CARRAND 11/20/2010 4:48PM

    Wow, what a great experience! I'm so glad you shared it with us. I don't watch his show routinely, but I may have to tune in now that you've told us what a nice guy he is.

I met the guy who used to do "Designing for the Sexes" on HGTV one time at a home and garden show. I, too, was impressed by what a nice gentleman he seemed to be in person, just like on his show. (If I was a little younger I might even remember his name.)

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KELRAJ 11/20/2010 3:28PM

    What an awesome experience!! I just recently got hooked on watching his show. Just love it! Thank you for sharing emoticon emoticon

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SROUS1340 11/20/2010 2:59PM

    What a fun experience for you!

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/20/2010 2:32PM

    I am jealous of you. What a great day you had. Live off that hug for more than a week!

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ESBELL 11/20/2010 2:13PM

    What a wonderful way to spend your evening Mary. I'm glad you got out to see him.


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VXWALL1942 11/20/2010 1:57PM

    How wonderfully delightful that your dreams were realized! Knowing he is truly the kind of man we see is good for the soul. I can imagine your joy at the hug. Great pic! Thanks to the Security Guard for being there. You were so due for an amazing experience. Glad it was everything you wanted it to be.

vicki

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THINRONNA 11/20/2010 1:53PM

    What an adorable picture of the two of you! Lucky!!!! I am so glad you had a good time and got to meet Buddy himself. It is nice that he left such a good impression on you.

The show sounded wonderful. How cool to e able to see him decorate a cake in person and nuts that he can make a frosting rose blindfolded! Wow!

Thanks for blogging about your time there...I would have LOVED to be there!
-Ronna

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NIMAWEYGH 11/20/2010 1:08PM

    Oh Irish I also love Cake Boss and we do not miss it. He always seems so warm and wonderful on his show so it is great to know he is that way for real.

What a delightful time you must have had. I wish I lived where you dis so I could have gone with ya.

SO glad you had such a wonderful time.

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WINFIELD28 11/20/2010 12:04PM

    What a wonderful evening you had!
So worth the 2 hour wait to get to visit with Buddy in person!
Thanks for sharing your once in a life time experience with all of us, too!
I am always happy to hear that a celebrity is as nice in person as they appear on camera.
Very fun & nice blog post!

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GAYLEP67 11/20/2010 11:48AM

    I am thrilled that you were able to have this experience! I can only imagine how excited you must have been because I know how much you love Buddy Valastro and his show. The picture is AWESOME and you look beautiful - your smile is absolutely radiant.

Know that your SparkFriends are hugging you everyday (even if they're only virtual hugs)!

emoticon

G
emoticon

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BCGIRL74 11/20/2010 11:03AM

    I'm so jealous!! I love watching Cake Boss. The chocolate ganache that they use makes me drool. I'm going to have to add Buddy's book to my Christmas wishlist! emoticon

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1STCINDERALLA 11/20/2010 10:59AM

    Congrats on meeting him. Glad to know that you enjoyed yourself

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KATRENIAH 11/20/2010 10:39AM

    I love hearing stories about famous people being as personable and warm as they portray themselves on camera. I am so happy you had a lovely day and a wonderful experience!

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LORETTA24 11/20/2010 8:52AM

    emoticon Oh, WOW! I am so "happy" and "thrilled" for you! It sounds like the blessings are most certainly coming your way. Keep smiling sunshine. I am going to keep praying for you that you continue recieving the desires of your heart and goodness in your life. Keep smiling sunshine. emoticon You are special in my world. emoticon emoticon

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ZURDTA- 11/20/2010 8:51AM

    I am so glad you had a lovely time - and to see you smiling!

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RANNA57 11/20/2010 8:14AM

    I am so jealous, what a treasure to keep, the pic is awesome. I love the Cake Boss and just finished reading his book. I would love to try his Italian buttercream frosting recipe from the book, but it's not on my SP plan. LOL, lucky gir! Thanks for sharing!

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CAROLEHZ 11/20/2010 8:09AM

    Woo Hoo! I'm so happy for you. I know that you have mentioned how much you love his show. It sounds like you had a great time too!
emoticon

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PAPELBON58 11/20/2010 8:08AM

    YOUE SO COOL. MY WIFE LOVES THAT SHOW. BUDDY SEEMS SO FUNNY ON TC. THANKS FOR SHAREING.

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REMIAM 11/20/2010 8:07AM

  You have such a delightful way with words! Thank you for sharing your experience. emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 11/20/2010 7:59AM

    How wonderful for you! I love the picture!!!! You can cherish it forever! Love ya, Dawn emoticon

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COOLMAMA11 11/20/2010 7:26AM

    I'm so thrilled for you, I love his show, watch it all the time, he certainly does have a wonderful, out-going personality!
He is with out a doubt the "cake Boss"!

Hugs Elaine emoticon

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MDTWEETY 11/20/2010 7:22AM

    That is so cool!!

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FABRICGIRL1 11/20/2010 6:56AM

  Fabulous night for you. Good to hear he was so wonderful to see.

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SLIMTHICK2 11/20/2010 6:43AM

    That's wonderful. emoticon

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RD03875 11/20/2010 6:14AM

    How neat!

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/20/2010 5:38AM

    WHAT A THRILL - You look glowing, and he looks dishy too! I can see why you are besotted with him APART from his personality :-)

Kris xx

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I feel like a bad joke

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I hate myself tonight. I feel ugly, contaminated, disgusting. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide forever.

Everything I think I want to do just sounds so stupid today. Chef? Yeah, right. Knit anything for Christmas? That seems like a cop-out because I'm broke. I failed as a wife and I failed as a mother.

I don't know why I keep trying.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4DOGNIGHT 12/1/2010 8:43AM

    I spent a lot of wasted years in my life with low self-esteem as you have described. Once I found out that I continually told myself that I was bad, or ugly, or fat, or no good, I stopped. As soon as a negative thought comes into your head, replace it with a positve one. I am 62 and perfectly happy in myself, my life, with friends, in business. Why did I waste so many years not believing it? You can do this. Just make up your mind.

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LOSINGANGEL 11/19/2010 2:51PM

    Do you enjoy cooking and baking things? Then you ARE a chef. "Anyone can cook!"
I personally like it when someone makes something with their own two hands then buying it. They have to put a lot more thought into it.
God doesn't make mistakes. EVERYTHING that has happened in your life has happened to bring you closer to Him. He is holding you in this time of dispare that you are feeling.
There's this saying I really like that I heard recently...
When you feel like you are going through hell, DON'T STOP...the only way to get out is to continue moving.
*hugs* I am praying for you *hugs* emoticon emoticon

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LADYKITTY 11/19/2010 9:16AM

    I was where you were the only way you will feel better about yourself is Stop beating yourself up look at the positives in your life stop magnifying the negative you can do this you just have to want it Im here if you need anything emoticon

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TRACYZABELLE 11/19/2010 5:55AM

    You need to cut the crap and do positive affirmations-- look in that mirror and say good things about yourself until you believe them-- that is your job today! We love you why don't YOU love YOU

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EVERYTHINGBLUE 11/16/2010 8:11PM

    I've not been very active on SP, so we're essentially strangers united by our desire for lives of greater wellness. However, something about this blog post made me want to reach out to you to share a thought with you (and I truly hope I'm not wildly overstepping the unwritten rules of boundaries and/or soap boxes within an online community).

Sometimes I experience setbacks that affect me the way it sounded like you were feeling when you wrote this, so I know what a struggle it is to try to move through feelings of failure and shortcoming.

I thought it might help for you to be reminded that your purpose can be boiled down to a word: love. You were born to give love, to receive love, and to cultivate love in your thoughts and words. The beauty is that it's never too late to realize and live out this calling. There's such profound truth in this simple concept, and it applies to everyone, regardless of circumstance. Your ability to do those three things - give, receive and cultivate love - belongs to you without any restrictions, and is what makes you precious, powerful and worthy beyond measure.

Sending you strength,

Ana



Comment edited on: 11/16/2010 8:33:11 PM

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SOCPAGE 11/16/2010 3:53PM

    what would you think about a guy who came from a good, no great, family line. was beloved by his parents. never married. had a steady job and quit to wander around telling people to shape up. gets in trouble with the authorities and is convicted?
sounds pretty bad and fairly hopeless. a serious "failure to launch."
all of us have really crappy times when we can't figure out what we are supposed to do and whatever we do seems wrong. it is ok to have a pity party from time to time. it is NOT ok to make that a lifestyle. so enjoy a funk for a bit, then move on. you never know what will come up next.
BTW, you know who the guy is, right? emoticon
Only the most influential man in all of history.....go Jesus!

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HOPEFULLYLIGHT 11/16/2010 11:28AM

    Just coming out of my own funk and read your blog. Hang in there Lady Irish! Hope to see you posting again soon, I look forward to your posts. emoticon

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USFBULL 11/16/2010 2:48AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MONETRUBY 11/15/2010 11:40PM

    You keep trying because you are worth it! You are a talented, loving, valuable person, deserving of good things such as happiness. Please do not give up on yourself! There are many people here who love and care for you, and we certainly believe that you are worth it.

emoticon

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AIDELADE27 11/15/2010 10:46PM

    emoticonhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04854XqcfCY emoticon

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CARRAND 11/15/2010 7:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

All I can offer is some hugs.

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AZURELITE 11/15/2010 7:23PM

    I'm reading this several hours after you wrote it, but better late than never so they say. You are doing a great thing for yourself and your family, simply by being right where you are and accomplishing so much. So now that you've had a blue Monday, it's time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off for a spectacular Tuesday! You can do it !! You will do it!!


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HHOUSE8 11/15/2010 7:14PM

    The loneliest kind of lonely is when you've abandoned yourself. Come back to you! You get to choose whether you love yourself of not. A friend of mine once said to me "If child protective services could see how you treat your inner children - they'd arrest you for sure!". That always stuck with me. No one deserves to be treated the way we too often treat ourselves. One tiny act of love towards you... that's where it starts.

emoticon emoticon

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 11/15/2010 6:00PM

    You really don't know why you keep trying? The same reason we all do: There's the part of us that believes we're worth it, that we have something to give, that we're worth the effort, that we deserve to be involved in the life, that we matter. It's too bad that the parts where we either feel sorry for ourselves or just lose faith in ourselves emerge. The hopeful part of you shall return.

Laurie

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LESLIEJEAN43 11/15/2010 5:43PM

    Mary, you are not any of the things you have called yourself. You are a warm person with a passion for cooking and for knitting. You are not a failure.
You have dreams, and they are wonderful dreams.
Just start a new day today. Being grateful for the things you DO have is a good antidote for the negative feelings you have.
I am here for you.
Leslie emoticon

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MAMIE57 11/15/2010 5:33PM

    I commented earlier today and for some reason it is not here emoticon I was also sure that I past along a goodie and it doesn't seem to be here either. Oh well, I will tell you what I said before. Everything that the others said and to tell you that you and so many of the friends here is why I stick around and keep trying. You inspire me and you always have. Huge hugs and love with sparkles - WG

Silly me - you had sooooooooooooo many comments from all of us who love ya that I was on another page and didn't know it - LOL See!

Comment edited on: 11/15/2010 5:34:54 PM

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1STCINDERALLA 11/15/2010 5:27PM

    You keep trying because your heart knows that what your head it telling you is not true. I've been there

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/15/2010 5:09PM

    You need a hug and no more advice. You are doing the best you can with everything hitting all at once. I agree with all the great advice you have gotten here. Hang in and take some time for yourself.

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VXWALL1942 11/15/2010 3:33PM

    Hello dear one! So many people have said it all so well. I can only remind you that I too am inspired by you and your dreams and accomplishments. Darlin' some days its chicken and some days feathers. Let's just figure you're having a 'feather' day and go from there. Take a bubble bath with nice music and perfume. You are loved. Now give yourself a hug, think of the positives about you and make a list of those. You are beautiful, courageous, intuitive, talented, inspiring, a good friend, helpful to those around you.... Need I go on? Take care of yourself. I am sending you a great big hug to help make things better.

vicki emoticon

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VEGASLADY24 11/15/2010 3:18PM

    emoticon Hi Mary, Remember the old saying that "He never gives us more than we can handle." Well, I use to say that He could just skip giving any time now. But it is so true, may not seem like it now but you can overcome! Have Faith in yourself. You are not a loser, don't beat yourself up. Your hormones may be the cause of all the emotional ups & downs. Make sure you discuss these with your Doctor. Think positive thoughts as everyone has said in all these wonderful, supportive comments that have been sent your way. We may not be next door but we are just a few keystrokes away!! emoticon
emoticonDawn

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RUNNER12COM 11/15/2010 3:11PM

    Wow. If only beating yourself up counted as cardio, you would totally be maxed out Spark Points today.

You are struggling with some things. It happens. But you are not a failure. And the first moment you remember that is the very moment things turn around.

Hang on!

SDJ

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TERRYT55 11/15/2010 3:01PM

    No pity parties allowed! I guarantee there are things you are grateful for in your life. Make a list right now, then take a long walk and think about all you have in your life to be happy about.. It always works for me. I can think of two things right now that you might be grateful for......your children and the fact that you can knit! I am so uncoordinated I can only crochet!

Take care and listen to OLDERDANDRT........be your own cheerleader!

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ZURDTA- 11/15/2010 2:46PM

    You keep trying because you are a very strong person. Yes you feel vulnerable and lonely at times - but my god look at what you have overcome. Look at these wonderful comments from people who don't even know you - they only have a slightest whisper of who you are - and they care. There are people on this site who are assh*les, people who are full of selfish thoughts all the time - and there are wonderful, inspirational people, those who have lost weight, have achieved their fitness goals. And there are people here who are truly amazing and courageous... you are one of these people.

You are on a journey and it is tough. You have a long way to go... but you have already some so far, and if you take the trip in smaller steps, it is less overwhelming. You cannot fix everything in your life in one go - but you are taking steps in the right direction.

We all care, Lady. None of your goals are stupid, they are achieveable and realistic. It's NOT like you want to be a movie star or go back in time or anything!



Comment edited on: 11/15/2010 2:48:14 PM

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1MIN17SECB412PM 11/15/2010 2:16PM

    emoticon Oh, Irish!! One of the best ways to recapture that lost feeling of purpose is to remember your goal(s) Sweetheart.

You can also (I know this'll sound strange) USE emotion (either love or hate for example) to regain your loss of self or motivation. You hate where you are in your head- in your life... then try to USE that hate to work for (not against) you.

You set a positive goal to be a chef. The fact that you can knit is fascinating to someone like me, who can't. Those are 2 positives. Did you know that there's thrift stores that carry yarn, and I've even heard of the wool from old garments being used to recycle them into beautiful new fashions!!

Try to figure out what happened to make you lose your confidence in yourself.

Most important, Mary, for every negative you use on you, SPEAK a positive. You must *champion* yourself, my old friend. The wife/mother, negative is a whipping post from the past. Don't allow your emotions to tie you there for another beating.

LOOK AT YOUR DREAM!! If you look away, I guarantee yer' gonna' see the negative.
emoticon
Love, yer'
Annie

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COUNTRYLADY26 11/15/2010 2:13PM

    You most certainly NOT a failure in any shape or form so don't think it. You are just feeling down at the moment but remember we are here for you

Love and hugs

Sue xx

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WALKAWAY 11/15/2010 2:11PM

    You are far from a bad joke, far from a failure. Far from being ugly, contaiminated or disgusting.

You are a marvelous, beautiful human being who is going through difficult challenges. You keep trying because that's what you have to do, it's what we all need to do.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAMIE57 11/15/2010 1:30PM

    I am repeating what everyone else said here. You inspire me, and are one of the reasons that I came back - I MISSED YOU and all my other good spark friends! You hang in there today and you will see it is going to be okay - step at a time love. Hugs and sparkles - WG emoticon

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BIGDAD1211 11/15/2010 1:27PM

    You keep trying because everyday is a new day for things to get better. You keep trying because we all go through rough days and that is what makes us stronger. You keep trying because other depend on you my friend. Like me. You never really fail until you give up and I pray that you never do that. I am here if you need to vent or talk to someone.
You are awesome and never forget that!
Your friend
Greg

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LORETTA24 11/15/2010 1:19PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonThis too will pass and you will realize you are so much more than all you are feeling now. Have your pity party and then "let it go!" A bad choice from yesterday doesn't mean one today. Start making a list of the joys in your life each day. Take the small ones 3-5 to start and then watch it grow with smiles and confidence. (examples might be: I woke up today with birds outside my window, the car started, my neighbor invited me in for coffee, I saw a picture that made me smile, I made something from what I have already, I enjoyed a program on the television or radio, I heard my favorite song today, I was inspired to try making something new in the kitchen, my spark people embraced me with encouragement and love) People are always saying they can't do something or they would never be able to go through something. It is a LIE! People don't know what they are capable of until they have to and try. Surround yourself with things and people who make you smile and go for it! Make a poster with cut outs of the happy stuff that you have had and those you'd like to have, know you are "wonderful" no matter what garbage happens. Everyone's garbage stinks. So it's time to use it for fertilizer and watch the blooms that will come. What was is what it is. Today is a new day. You are cared for and loved by many. Try smiling sunshine emoticon and before you know it those smiles will come without thinking about it. Life is not a dress rehearsal, live it to your best. You and your situation are in my prayers. emoticon

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/15/2010 1:17PM

  Oh, dear Mary, please don't beat yourself up so badly! You are an amazing person - we all see it, and I wish you would, too. You can attain your dreams. We are here to support you along the way. Please, be kind to yourself - befriend yourself. Believe in yourself. We do!

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LOSETHEWTIN08 11/15/2010 12:58PM

    Dear Sister Friend, I pray that today brings you more joy. I was sorry to read what a difficult time you were having...I'm glad you shared your feeling with us. I hope it added a little comfrot knowing you were not going through it alone. I believe in you. Have a great week.
Geraldine emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 11/15/2010 12:11PM

    Oh, no you don't!!! You are a strong, smart and creative individual!!!! You can do anything you put your mind to!!! You know the pitfalls of negative self-talk, so stop that right now!!! We all have bad days. Unfortunatly, they seem to creep up on us in groups, but you can beat this!!! Just keep telling yourself..." emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon"
I am more than happy to be your cheerleader, but you are your own best cheerleader!!! Now, pick youself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!!! Too many of us are broke ($) and too many of us get 'down- in-the-mouth". We're all in the same boat here, so row, baby , row!!!
Love ya, SPark friend!!
emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 11/15/2010 12:08PM

    Lady I, first and foremnost, knowing that I have never met you in person, I only know what is on the inside. And let me tell you, you have a heart as big as all outdoors, you shine with a light of hope that would seem foolish given the stresses of your life. That said, you know we all have those worthless feeling days, it is the insidious nature of depression. Be sure to share your feelings with Arthur.
I have a good friend who was married 4 times. She never said she was a failure, she just said she didn't do marriage very well. The last marriage was so obviously true love, even late in life for both parties....he was almost 80 and she is almost 70. Although their relationship lasted over 6 years, their marriage was only 2 weeks long as he was dieing of prostate cancer and insisted they marry before he was gone. His spirit stays with her and uplifts her.
Long story, but one to remind you that love for who you are, the goddess you are inside is what counts.

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WAZZU.REN 11/15/2010 11:55AM

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way! We all have these days and it is always good to share and get support from people who know what you are going through. I hope that today you are feeling better. You can do and be anything you want!


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LILPAT3 11/15/2010 11:42AM

    If everything was ideal and perfect then it would not be called life. We all have days when the harder we try the more difficult it gets. It is alright to have a good cry, to sit and think, to plan and change some goals. You can and will do whatever you deeply desire. emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 11/15/2010 10:36AM

    I have tears for the pain you are feeling. You've been some through difficult times but you can do this. You are such a good person and you are worth it. Hold your head up. Wish I lived close by and could give you a hug. Remember, we are here for you. Take care, my friend

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SUSANISBACK 11/15/2010 10:33AM

    You are not a failure, just having a bad time at the moment. take your time and regroup and think about how much you are loved on here, we can't all be wrong about you and if we lived near you then you would have real friendship close by emoticon emoticon

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PAISHAR2 11/15/2010 10:14AM

    emoticon emoticon IF I COULD GET CLOSE TO YOU, I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG. THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW. WE AS WOMEN GO THROUGH A LOT. AFTER TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING, THEN WE ARE SOMETIMES LEFT LIKE A SHELLLESS PERSON. WE FEEL LIKE WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT. BUT GOD SAID WE DO AND WE HAVE TO PUSH FORWARD. ASK GOD FOR SOME STREGTH AND HE WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED ALSO. IT IS A LOT OF US THAT OUR MONEY IS LOW OR ALMOST GONE. BUT DON'T FOCUS ON THAT, THAT IS WHAT THE DEVIL WANT YOU TO DO IS HAVE A PITTY PARTY. YOUR BLESSING IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. THAT IS WHY HE IS MESSING WITH YOU SO MUCH.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND TALK TO GOD, AND HE WILL SHOW UP AND SHOW OUT. THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. I DON'T HAVE A JOB AND HERE IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET GRANDBABIES ANYTHING, BUT I AM TRUSTING GOD AND ALREADY HE USE MY DOCTOR THAT I DON'T SEE THAT MUCH, TO CALL ME TWO TIMES WITH A JOB TO BABYSIT A NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, THEN THIS MORNING SHE CALL ME AGAIN ABOUT BABYSITTING TWO LITTLE GIRLS FROM 12;00 TO 2;00. NOW TELL ME GOD IS OPENING DOOR FOR ME. I AM SEEKING HIM AND HE HAS IT ALL MY FRIEND. SEEK HIM !!!!!!!!


SHARON

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MPARKER67 11/15/2010 10:03AM

    I have days like that. Then I kick myself in the ass and move on. Don't give up. Not trying is the only way to guarantee failure.

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PLANTAHOLICS 11/15/2010 9:02AM

    emoticon

So sorry you're feeling down on yourself. Remember - you're a great person - and even though you may feel this way right now - there are people under your roof, your children and your husband - that think you are an amazing person too. Here if you ever need a shoulder.... emoticon

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CURIOUS64 11/15/2010 8:58AM

    I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I can relate as I do have days where I feel the same. I could list you all the reasons why, but that wouldn't help either of us. Just suffice to say I have my share of issues. However, I can tell you that a good nights sleep has an amazing way of making the sky a little more blue in the morning. Hang in there. It does get better.

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KMICHA 11/15/2010 8:40AM

    There is something positive in every thing. Look for uplifting thoughts instead of depressing ones. Today is a new day! Each day is a gift from God. Make the most of it! Get back on track and work on one thing at a time! You Can Do It! We care about you!!! emoticon

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EPIPHANYANGEL 11/15/2010 8:11AM

    You're worth it ...I'm worth it...we're all worth it that's why we're here together on this journey.

It has its ups and down and it is really hard when that negative self talk rears it's ugly head.

Hang on in there, we're all here to support you. take care. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUGGYS 11/15/2010 7:54AM

    Tomorrow is a brand new day, a brand new beginning, a brand new you! You can do this! We are here for you! emoticon

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MDTWEETY 11/15/2010 7:33AM

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Be kind to yourself - this kind of self talk gets you nowhere. Why would you want to give up on yourself? I'd love to see you post something in our WNTW "I feel beautiful today because..." thread.
BTW, my absolute favorite baby gift when I had my daughter was the cutest sweater and hat that a friend knitted for her. I appreciated all the gifts we received of course, but this gift was extra special to me. I was so touched when I thought about how she took the time to pick out the yarn (which is beautiful and super soft), the pattern and color and how much time it must have taken to make. She even wrote up a cute little note with care instructions. In my book, this gift illustrates friendship and love much clearer than something that was picked out in 5 minutes at the store. You know? I wish I had the talent to knit, crochet, or sew. You better believe I would be giving handmade gifts too.

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BRIDIE5 11/15/2010 7:16AM

  You are a creative, strong, and spiritual being, with many gifts and reasonable goals that you are fully capable of achieving with work and time. Don't listen to the sabateur..step over it and keep trucking..

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ONEKIDSMOM 11/15/2010 7:11AM

    Hope now that you've put it down on paper (OK, screen) you see how this is a "feeling", it is not reality. You are NOT a failure. And you know what? Things that are hand-made are far more valuable to me as memories than anything bought in a store. Since I don't have the time or skill to make things, would you believe I feel like a failure because my sister gives hand-made gifts and I give store-bought ones?

You are a wonderful wife and mom, and so worth taking care of. Chin up! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOZINJST4ME 11/15/2010 6:51AM

    emoticon

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SHERYLDS 11/15/2010 6:14AM

    Like they say. If you think you can, YOU CAN.
and if you think you can't...you're right too. You decide.
You CHOOSE to see the glass half empty or half full.
So enough with the negativity...it's a waste of time.
Think of what works for you and just do it.

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WINDSONG~ 11/15/2010 3:38AM

    You try because you are valued by so many of us.
emoticon

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What happens next

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

They're scheduling me for a uterine biopsy, probably at the beginning of December. This will probably involve some anesthesia, something I'm very skittish about. I have a consultation on the 22nd of this month to set it up. More when I know more.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWDMOTHERHEN 11/16/2010 4:38PM

    LI
Hi, I just had one done too. Unfortunately, no anesthesia for me (it usually doesn't work that well for me anyway).
I will be thinking of you as a fellow traveler on this uncertain road, and hope that all will be well.
Jodi

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TOPCATSEALS 11/15/2010 11:58AM

    emoticon
You are in my thoughts and prays!

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 11/14/2010 8:06PM

    I'll keep you in my prayers my friend. Love, Dawn emoticon emoticon

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AIDELADE27 11/13/2010 11:53PM

    My mom had to go through this as well so I will be keeping you in my thoughts! Good luck!

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VXWALL1942 11/13/2010 5:22PM

    Thinking of you dear friend! Thought I had posted a comment but it seems to be missing. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Try not to stress over it. You'll do fine.

vicki

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CHIRORENGO 11/13/2010 1:38PM

    Mary I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. FYI - they usually don't use an general anesthetic for a biopsy, they will probably give you a local. Either way - I know just having to go through it is scary and you will be in my prayers.

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/13/2010 3:23AM

    They don't often use a General Anaesthetic any more - often it is a form of sedation which has an amesiac effect, and pain relief as well. Often even hip replacements are done this way - but with a spinal block for obvious reasons.

Let us know the outcome. My thoughts are with you!

Kris xx

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 11/12/2010 3:26PM

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, and know that WE CARE!
HUGS
Pam

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1STCINDERALLA 11/12/2010 10:06AM

    Praying for you.

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MILLISMA 11/11/2010 6:55PM

    Keeping you in my prayers!

emoticonMary Anne

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OLDERDANDRT 11/11/2010 6:09PM

    emoticon& emoticon

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WALKAWAY 11/11/2010 5:30PM

    I'll keep you in my prayers. Sending positive thoughts your way.
emoticon

Addie

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/11/2010 3:09PM

  Sending hugs & prayers that all goes well. Sorry I did not see your two recent posts until today, otherwise I would have sent support earlier. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.

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ZURDTA- 11/11/2010 3:04PM

    emoticon

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JUNEBUG4967 11/11/2010 1:13PM

    I will keep you in my prayers for this Mary.

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JUDYPOPPINS 11/11/2010 12:31PM

    I had this done and the discomfort was minimal..not fully out, just drowsy. Benign for me and no need for anything further unless more problems. Praying your procedure goes well & answers are found quickly. I agree about listening to tapes...either guided imagery or something soothing. Maybe some yoga poses too.
emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 11/11/2010 12:26PM

    Lady I, I heard about this guided imagery from a friend just before I had abdominal surgery a year ago. I paid for the mp3 , loaded onto my IPod and listened to it the night before and the morning of my surgery. I also used it before my tummy tuck. Both surgeries were complication free and within 2 days I was off strong pain meds. I am giving you the web site to use as you wish. I will tell you using this diminished my anxiety and gave me a very relaxed attitude about the whole process.
http://www.healthjourneys.com/M
ainCategory.aspx?mcid=10
You are in my prayers.

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DAWNFIRE72 11/11/2010 12:09PM

    emoticon I'm praying that things turn out ok for you and that what ever this is can be dealt with and that you will be 100% soon.

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MPARKER67 11/11/2010 11:18AM

    I am praying you will be fine emoticon

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PATRISNA 11/11/2010 8:19AM

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I hope all goes well. I am glad you went in as soon as you realized things were not right. It is better to get it done asap.


emoticon

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CAROLEHZ 11/11/2010 8:01AM

    emoticon I hope all goes well. With these things the hardest part is always the waiting. A couple of years ago I had a breast lump issue and I was all nervous and mopey and then I realized that was crazy because what ever it was I would kick it's butt not sulk in a corner. I'm sure you will do the same. While it's not perfect, I'm always thankful for modern medicine.



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PRUPLEBEAR 11/11/2010 7:20AM

    Hugs

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LOZINJST4ME 11/11/2010 7:04AM

    emoticon

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COOLMAMA11 11/11/2010 6:52AM

    emoticon Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hope all goes well for you!

Hugs Elaine

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BUFFYW410 11/11/2010 6:40AM

    This is frightening. Luckily it is being addressed quickly.

You are a strong woman with a growing base of support. We are here to catch you if need us and also here to celebrate with you when you get good news.

You've come so far already on this crazy journey - don't let this rattle you too much.

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MARINEMAMA 11/11/2010 5:31AM

    I just had this done....mine was a very simple procedure and I was awake through it all without anything. I had some cramping but no worse than my cycle causes me. I hope thAt all goes well with you. I definitely think doing this is a wise choice. My results came back and I need to have a hysterectomy...hyper plasia....my surgery is dec. 29.....
I am sending up a prayer for you!!

Hugs

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SKPOEM 11/11/2010 3:50AM

  Sounds similar to why I had my hysterectomy. They did a biopsy and nothing was wrong, so they were sure it was due to a uterine cyst. Since I was done having kids they could do an ablation or a hysterectomy. Due to some of the issues I read about an ablation (it doesn't always work and you have to wait 3 months to find out for sure and with school I didn't have time to wait that long and then decide I needed surgery) I went with the hysterectomy. Here's hoping that all turns out o.k. and it's something that can be easily dealt with (my hysterectomy had an unusual outcome, they usually don't end up like mine did)!

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WINDSONG~ 11/11/2010 3:44AM

    Praying for you

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PURPLESPEDCOW 11/10/2010 10:05PM

    emoticon

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PEGGY-BEE 11/10/2010 10:03PM

    Have added you to my prayers. I share your apprehensive feelings about anesthesia.

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VXWALL1942 11/10/2010 10:01PM

    Praying for you, dear friend.

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JUSTBIRDY 11/10/2010 9:49PM

    Hope you do well. I didn't have anesthesia, and it HURT, but it was pretty fast.

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YOGAGIRLNH 11/10/2010 9:41PM

    I hope everything turns out okay. emoticon

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