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LADILADIDA's Recent Blog Entries

Fresh Start

Sunday, August 25, 2013

It has been some time since I posted. I hope this blog finds you well or at least on your way to wellness as best you can. Life has been a winding journey. I can't say it's been bad but I can't say I've been living my best life - and that is what bothers me most, because I have the capacity, will and faith to live my best life but have not been doing so. Have I been doing the best I can? Part of me wants to say, yes, given the circumstances I have been doing the best I can. The other part of me wants to say "liar, you've been lazy and passing it off as contentment and needed rest." The middle road tells me both are true and neither making excuses nor pointing fingers will be helpful in the present moment.

I can't say I'm back where I started with my health and weight loss as when I joined in 2007. I have learned too much and come so far that it wouldn't be fair to say that and would not honor self-love or the many who helped me along that journey. I know the journey ahead of me will be much easier, knowing what I know. I also know that it probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but to me feels much worse. I definitely see a lot of "red flags", "danger, danger" signs that tell me I must make some major course corrections or I will be headed into negative health land.

I haven't been as focused on my health and body in this past year and a half and have focused more on my career which I must say, I am at a loss with at this point. I have been working as a temp for the summer with the possibility of permanent hire and have just turned that down. I may be crazy, but my heart just tells me that this is not the path and if I go down it, I will be disappointed. I have to be true to my heart even if it means a risk for our finances. I have to believe that there is something better for me out there. I have been avoiding my best self. I admit it. I have been entertaining myself with Television to avoid the truth of my boredom. I have been eating food because I am bored and not because I am hungry. I admit it. I am more than what I have been doing for work, not to negate my work, but I just know I must do something more fulfilling than this. And if not now, when?

My soul longs for a fresh start. Not a complete overhaul. I know better. I can change everything and I will still be left standing with myself. But as the saying goes, "what would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Not many get the chance to try it, and I am going to. And in the end, I will not be standing alone, and if I am - my Self is not so bad, she's pretty cool to hang out with even on the bad days.

Part of my fresh start is to get back into my body is small steps, 10 minutes at a time. To improve my nutritional intake with one meal at a time enjoying smaller portions of food direct from the earth and more often. To enjoy 10 minutes to meditate bringing clarity to decisions. To take 10 minutes every day to do something that I absolutely love that is just for me and no one else.

This week's plan:
-Healthy breakfast and fresh juice before I leave for work.
-Pack a lunch and eat my afternoon snack.
-Eat a light dinner.
-Drink water and tea, avoid coffee and soda.
-10 minutes qigong, every day.
-walk with my husband, two days after work.
-10 minutes meditation before bed.
Do what I love:
-ukelele, sing, write, journal, draw, listen to music - just to listen to music, DANCE!

I am not afraid to be my best self any more. Small steps.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOHNTJ1 9/8/2013 11:24AM

    I read this morning that often in our journey through this life we are taken back to cross the same bridge over and over - not because we have failed but rather to show us how much progress we've made since the last time we'd crossed it.

Keep on keppin' on

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    So good to hear from you! Glad you're back. I did the same thing with a temp job when I first got out of college. I turned it down because it didn't have any career path. The company was small and the people were nice, but it just wasn't right for me.
You have a good plan now. You will succeed!

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AJDOVER1 8/25/2013 11:24PM

    Sounds like a great plan. You can make it happen. I wish you the best!

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A10TIVTRTL 8/25/2013 9:58PM

    Welcome back! You have a good plan. I admire your self-honesty, and it sounds like you are wisely being forgiving and gentle with yourself for the recent lapse or lull. Sometimes we need a little break to rest, recoup, and gather momentum for the next leg of the journey. emoticon

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The importance of GAINING perspective

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I have written about perspective a number of times throughout my weight-loss and here is a link that really shows how our self-perspective is often skewed and how the world sees us is much better than we think.
Pictures show this clearly.

Start with love. Love yourself. When you aren't feeling great about yourself, volunteer and help someone in need. You can't help but feel better when you share of yourself. And the person you help will only see you as an angel. One day you may begin to see yourself as you truly are - a child of light.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HLTHYLIVN_BAM 5/7/2013 1:14PM

    This is a really fantastic blog. Thanks for sharing!

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PJ2222 4/17/2013 12:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Heavy-hearted in Boston

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I am heavy-hearted today as many other of my neighbors in Boston are after such a horrific and unimaginable attack on the Boston Marathon. Of all the events in this great city - this one symbolizes all that is good in humanity. Not only from the act of willing oneself to run 26.2 miles of one of the most grueling courses, but many do this in an act to raise awareness towards multiple causes that do good in this world or even to remember a loved one. To have it end in this way or not even to be able to finish due to a bombing is too much to believe.

I am counting my blessings that all that I know are well while at the same time I realize that on any given moment I could have been there, or numbers of others that I know, out of the shear joy of supporting this wonderful event. Years ago, I used to live down the street from the finish line and frequently walked by to cheer and support.

I know this city will bounce-back because that is what we do but the reality of police with machine guns guarding our streets is a glaring difference from yesterday morning's commute. I feel for everyone and have compassion even for the perpetrators of this crime because I can't imagine being so lost that human life does not have value anymore. I feel for those hurt people. I feel for those they hurt and particularly those families of the three who lost their lives. I ask for forgiveness for us all and hope that we all find our way to peace and love, the ultimate healing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HISOWN1 4/16/2013 8:41PM

    Great blog and yes I had my husband who worked on Boylston street not too far away

PRAYING FOR OUR CITY and grateful for all the unsung heroes who helped

Hope they get the person/s and hang em' high - hmmm guess that is not very Christ like but my human person is pretty angry

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MCFERRET 4/16/2013 8:21PM

    The belief in humanity and the goodness of all those who helped from near and far is much more representative of what the world has to offer. I appreciate your blog and the hopefulness for resilience.

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REJ7777 4/16/2013 6:12PM

    I'm so very sad, and angry, because of what happened in Boston yesterday. It's incomprehensibly evil, no matter what the motivation was. I hope that the perpetrators are brought to justice soon. And I do hope that people have the grace to forgive... for their own inner healing, and so that the evil (hate, bitterness, etc.) isn't passed on. emoticon

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MYOWNHERO 4/16/2013 5:08PM

    Thank you for these wise words. Love is truly the ultimate healer.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 4/16/2013 4:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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EMILYROSEBUD 4/16/2013 4:46PM

    Amen! Great blog!

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JOHNTJ1 4/16/2013 4:44PM

    Prayers & Blessings to you and to all in Boston

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KNEWMETODAY 4/16/2013 3:17PM

    You must know that this community (and many others) share the horror, the grief, and the disbelief that this could happen on our streets. Please know that our hearts are with you and those who lost loved ones or were injured. Our call is to love...not always the easiest thing to do, but always the best!

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Tuesday, March 05, 2013

So, I'm over the shock of re-entry into being back in Boston and not working 60 hours a week in a hole in the wall or traveling so much. I am so thankful for all the responses to my last blog. Thank you to each and every one of you who reads these. And thanks to SparkPeople for always being a safe place to share. Isn't it really wonderful?

I have been enjoying riding my moped. I took a server position for a friend at two of his restaurants so I have been more active, in general. I'm new to serving - never waited tables in all my life. I spilled a beer and almost dropped a plate my first try but now I'm getting the hang of it.

Part of me questions whether I "should" have jumped into something right away but it makes my husband feel better knowing I at least have a "job". We are very tight on cash right now. It is really crazy how despite the past 7 years of working a job getting paid well, that I'm back to the poorhouse so quick, after a little exploration at a position with a non-profit. Alas, he was out of work for 3 years so anything I would have put away for a buffer for now, was used then. I'm sure I'm not alone with regards to financial hardship. There is a lot of that going around. We all just keep doing the best we can.

Anyway, my current in-between jobs, if anything, serve as great character study for writing. I am meeting people I wouldn't ordinarily get to meet and getting to know them and how they live their lives.

I am back and forth - do I just get a job that pays a lot or just take the risk now and start a business? I'm not in the financial position really right now but again it depends on what kind of business I start. I am going to a business center for women for an information session on Thursday and am glad I could re-arrange my schedule to go to it. So there... I will continue to research and ponder for this month at least. It wouldn't hurt to update my resume though regardless. I have procrastinated on that long enough. I will try to make some headway on that this week, too.

I am slowly cleaning my house. It got so far behind when I was traveling. I don't know why, but I need a clean space in order to be creative, despite my creativity often making another mess anyway!. It's crazy but it's what I need and require it. I'm trying to just do a little at a time and hope that eventually the house will be back to sparkling... emoticon

I'm more active but balancing that with just nesting at home. I have missed my home and all of my comforts there, including my sweetie.

Well, that's it for now. Kind of a boring blog... sorry. There is just so much percolating.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NUNZIATA43 3/6/2013 8:56PM

    Hey, I understand the travel and stress of working full time for many hours a week. You now have a gift that most of us never get - that's the opportunity to slow down and "smell the roses". The chance to clear out the old and organize/clean is exciting to me too. I work a ton and travel, but when I'm home, I have no mental energy to expend. All I want to do is "vege" and relax. Come over to my place - I can sure use a couple of hands! LOL!!!

ENJOY EVERY MINUTE at home - these are precious moments to hang on to. Just so you know, I'm jealous that I don't have a clear runway to accomplish many of the home tasks like you. Appreciate the blog! emoticon

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NEEDBU66 3/5/2013 6:30PM

good blog

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JOHNTJ1 3/5/2013 3:56PM

    Sometimes things seem to converge upon us all at once and we just have to plop down, take a deep breath and tackle things as they come.

There is nothing boring about real life. It is that mindfulness that allows us to awaken the creativity inside of ourselves to survive and prosper.

As I've said before....... You got this

Much Love


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Where to begin... decision to start again, every day, forever.

Friday, March 01, 2013

As I read my last blog from September, I feel as though a lifetime has been lived since those days. It has been a whirlwind of changes. I left my job to work at a yoga retreat center in hopes of a stable environment, to eventually make a home in the Berkshires, to have rewarding work and also the opportunity to practice yoga and yogadance to my heart's content. What a dream right? It was the perfect transition position for me on my road to eventually owning my own business as I paid down my debt.

Well, what looked good on paper didn't exactly pan out. Not at all. Within three weeks, they fired, that's right fired and walked out the building the wonderful boss who made it possible for me to leave at the end of the day with no worries and take my yoga classes. The reason? Insubordination??? Another word for politics. I was spiraled into seeing that this community was founded not in the ideals I expected but in the same politics I found at the financial investment firm and I was no more stable here than there. What a disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely ignorant to there being problems at this place and I knew it was not utopia. However, really? I didn't think it was THAT bad.

The following four months turned into 50-60, if not more, work hours a week sitting in a little closet with a window that overlooked insulation and not the outdoors. Dark with horrible air quality. Doing the same thing week after week on a deadline with pressure. Considering the circumstance, I was able to use all the strength of character I had in hopes that my yogic discipline of integrity might at least be an example of good behavior. But alas, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Nor can you expect that even if you do not get involved in others issues, that their issues won't involve themselves with you.

Well, needless to say, after a few last straws, I can say had the strength to say this is an unacceptable environment for me. I gave my notice and EVEN gave them a month and half, trained the new girl ONLY to be treated so incredibly rude at the end. I'm still a bit dumbfounded about it. Yet another place in my life where I feel I gave so much compassion to not have it returned. It is a sharp realization.

I am proud that I left sooner rather than later because in past years I would stay so much longer letting myself be beaten. Though, I can't help but ask the question "where did I go wrong in even letting myself be in the situation to begin with?" Note that I do not say - what's wrong with me. That's a great step in the right direction because in the past I would internalize this and feel the whole thing is my fault which I absolutely know it is not.

So here I am. I am back home and Boston and never been happier to call this my home. I won't ever say that I didn't try to live in the Berkshires or to have this experience. I won't have regret. But, after living at a yoga retreat center for 4.5 months, it is unfortunate that I did less yoga than I have ever done in my life and I return to Boston out of shape and back in a size 16.

As Ben Affleck said at the Oscars, "it's how you get back up" and so I'm getting back up today. Despite my long absence from SparkPeople, I ask for encouragement today. Somehow, I will find a way to optimal health and lifestyle. I deserve no less and I am willing to do the work necessary.

I hope this blog finds you well and also "getting back up" on a daily basis forever because that's what I have decided to do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TPHILLIPS69 4/8/2013 10:18AM

    I had a similar experience having moved across Canada, to the west coast, only to find the job of my dreams was in a company that was a complete nightmare. combine that with a very bad relationship with someone whom I "let" move out with me, and a desire to deal with my predicament without help from my parents, I had to suck it up and accept their money and assistance to move back "home" at age 35! But life goes on and within 5 years I was better off than I'd been before the move, and paid my family back every penny. Sometimes you can't know exactly how something will be until you try it, and that's true 10-times over for jobs. Don't be afraid to do what you have to do to take care of you, whether its accepting, or leaving, a job...! There's more to life than work, and it's just one of many experiences you're liable to have in life.

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NUNZIATA43 3/6/2013 8:49PM

    What an inspirational share! I'm impressed with your ability to pick yourself up and move on... difficult given the strife you experienced. Chalk it up to learning - as much pain as it is. The gain in confidence and ability to stand up to it is awesome.

Hey, I am a 16 too - but if you'll work on a reduction plan, I will do the same. If you can survive all that you have endured - I can forge ahead too. I'm struggling with getting back on the saddle and riding again. This blog reminds me I'm not alone and have every bit of help here that I need if I JUST ask!

You're "THE BOMB" - THANK YOU for sharing what's in your heart and soul!!! emoticon

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GIRANIMAL 3/4/2013 4:35PM

    Wow. I am in awe of your guts to make such a move to begin with! How wonderful and daring and true to yourself! There surely is a lesson in why it didn't work out, but I absolutely know it is NOT that it was a foolish move. You gave it your all and are still standing tall! Isn't it nice how sometimes Spark is the only constant -- even when you've been away for some time? emoticon

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CARTOONB 3/1/2013 10:26PM

    Sounds like you are doing actually very well. You made decisions that were right for you and made them in a timely fashion. I'm impressed. And now that you're back in a safe environment, it sounds like you know what you need to do. I look forward to watching you succeed!

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HLTHYLIVN_BAM 3/1/2013 10:07PM

    I'm so glad you are back on Spark and back to a place where you can move past that experience and move forward!

I had a similar situation one where I went from working from myself to working for a client, for whom I thought I had a decent relationship, and it turned into a nightmare. I, too, had given like months notice to finish a project only to have them beg me to stay. Needless to say, after a lot of political mind games that I could tell she was trying to play, I quit (still with about a months notice!). I gained weight and lost self-esteem in terms my own confidence in my skills and reputation. Anyway, it has been a long journey (and still going) for me to get back on track.

It is tough and I feel for you! I love your attitude about "getting back up." I also love the question you asked about "where did I go wrong..." Thanks for that insight!!! I don't think I've framed my situation like that even though I moved on from it. But I think it is a great way to 1) learn how not to let it happen again and 2) not internalize as you said.

Best wishes to you on your continued Spark Journey, getting YOUR yoga back, and with enjoying your home in Boston.

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HDHAWK 3/1/2013 7:31PM

    I'm struggling to get back up too. I lost a lot of weight with spark, gained it all back plus more, and have been working to build better habits since the first of the year. The result. A whole 6 lbs. lost. If I eat one thing off plan I gain. This wasn't the case when I did this before. When you work hard you like to be rewarded. Your job experience sounds like some relationships I've had. Try hard, do everything and still not be appreciated. I guess we can at least say we did the right thing. So glad you chose to come back to spark. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

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    I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. I went through my own version of this when selling my Dad's farm and it was hell. However, I hope in a few months years or whatever that it will end up being a good learning experience, as much as everything sucks right now. As much as my experience was awful, I now frame every major life decision in terms of that experience, and I think it will serve me well in the coming years.

Many hugs and positive thoughts coming your way!

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SOULFISH80 3/1/2013 1:39PM

    Wow, this blog mimics my experiences in looking for "utopia", which I have also found does not exist, atleast not for me in the way I thought it would. It can be so disapointing to follow your true instincts and to have them lead down a path of hardship, but it seems to be the modern path of initiation! You have such a great attitude about this exerpience. So great to have caught yourself, and moved on before losing too much of your spark to a negative spiral. Loving ourselves always leads to our very best. Sounds like you know all about that. I hope that this experience leads to a new path of greater joy, peace and fufillment in whatever the road holds for you. Trials are so exhausting at times, but inevitably, as we look back on life, it is in the muck and mire that we truly learn to shine. emoticon

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HKARLSSON 3/1/2013 11:07AM

    Wow... I've been through something similar in my career. It's a big pop in the chops, and you sit on the ground rubbing your chin and thinking "what hit me?"

I'm with John on this one. This was not a wasted time for you. This was an amazing learning experience. I'd bet good money that you now know what you want and how to get it more than every before. I'd also bet good money that you know how to recognize a downward spiral when you see one. This will make you a smarter investor of your time and energy and money. This is invaluable experience for someone who wishes to start her own business.

I'm sure you've already realized this, but there is no such thing as utopia if there is more than one person inhabiting a place. That's just how it is. Utopia ain't gonna happen. The only way you are truly going to be happy is to be in control of your working environment. There are two options: you can continue the quest for the perfect boss (which, as you learned, is fickle at best) or self-employment. I opted for self-employment and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made. It has also been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and the riskiest, and the loneliest. If you do choose to own your own business, make sure you have a support system of some kind. Those who work for others do not understand the trials and tribulations and thrills of working for yourself. They'll try to relate, but until you have grown something of your very own from the ground up, you really won't know the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

I'm not dogging people for working for someone else. It is far more stable (even in an unhealthy environment) and far less worry and mental energy expended than being self-employed. At the end of the day, you can (albeit with difficulty sometimes) come home and do other things. When you are self-employed, it's like having a child. It's a 24-7 proposition. There are times when I wish I could have a 9-5 (or 9-6 or whatever it is nowadays) job where all the paperwork and extraneous activities were taken care of and I could just focus on my work and then come home and have free weekends and holidays and paid vacation and health benefits. But the freedom is far more important to me than having somebody else balance the books and order supplies and deal with vendors and saying "yes sir no sir how high ma'am". You have to choose what you want. I have complete faith that you will make the decision that is right for you.

Congratulations on your learning experience. Things can only get better from here! emoticon

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LADILADIDA 3/1/2013 10:38AM

    Feeling the love. Thank you much more than you all know.

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JSPIN74 3/1/2013 10:11AM

    emoticon emoticon

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GETFIT2LIVE 3/1/2013 10:03AM

    Welcome back! John pointed me to your blog, and I'm glad he did. I am so sorry for the negative experience you went through; I'm afraid that people regularly do people stuff, and politics exist in pretty much every workplace I've ever been, even the ones that do wonderful, positive work in the world. All we can do is do our best to maintain our own integrity and not get involved; knowing when it's time to walk away from that environment is tough, good for you in doing what you need to for yourself. Now it's time to take care of you, first and foremost; you matter.


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AJDOVER1 3/1/2013 9:49AM

    Wishing you the best! You are courageous!

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JOHNTJ1 3/1/2013 9:40AM

    First and foremost I am SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!! I was really concerned you'd dropped off the face of the earth.


You, like all the rest of us, are in recovery from life. We turn left when maybe turning right or staying where we are is better for us, but if life wasn't full of miss cues and adventures what would we learn? Yes, you had a rotten last few months but my goodness Mindy, look what you learned. Look at the insight you gained about yourself and the Universe around you!! That wisdom and knowledge will help you as you get back on track again. And then you have all of us wonderful and amazing Spark friends who have stumbled in the past and know exactly what you are going through.

The dimension you added to your life, by having all those experiences makes you a much stronger role model for all of us. You got this, girl. There may be lottsa sweat and sacrifice and all that crap we don't like to talk about but you got this, and you KNOW you got this because we are all here cheering you on.

BTW: if there is anything at all I can do to help, please let me know. I am sending my angels to help you also. emoticon

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