Sunday, August 25, 2013
It has been some time since I posted. I hope this blog finds you well or at least on your way to wellness as best you can. Life has been a winding journey. I can't say it's been bad but I can't say I've been living my best life - and that is what bothers me most, because I have the capacity, will and faith to live my best life but have not been doing so. Have I been doing the best I can? Part of me wants to say, yes, given the circumstances I have been doing the best I can. The other part of me wants to say "liar, you've been lazy and passing it off as contentment and needed rest." The middle road tells me both are true and neither making excuses nor pointing fingers will be helpful in the present moment.
I can't say I'm back where I started with my health and weight loss as when I joined in 2007. I have learned too much and come so far that it wouldn't be fair to say that and would not honor self-love or the many who helped me along that journey. I know the journey ahead of me will be much easier, knowing what I know. I also know that it probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but to me feels much worse. I definitely see a lot of "red flags", "danger, danger" signs that tell me I must make some major course corrections or I will be headed into negative health land.
I haven't been as focused on my health and body in this past year and a half and have focused more on my career which I must say, I am at a loss with at this point. I have been working as a temp for the summer with the possibility of permanent hire and have just turned that down. I may be crazy, but my heart just tells me that this is not the path and if I go down it, I will be disappointed. I have to be true to my heart even if it means a risk for our finances. I have to believe that there is something better for me out there. I have been avoiding my best self. I admit it. I have been entertaining myself with Television to avoid the truth of my boredom. I have been eating food because I am bored and not because I am hungry. I admit it. I am more than what I have been doing for work, not to negate my work, but I just know I must do something more fulfilling than this. And if not now, when?
My soul longs for a fresh start. Not a complete overhaul. I know better. I can change everything and I will still be left standing with myself. But as the saying goes, "what would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Not many get the chance to try it, and I am going to. And in the end, I will not be standing alone, and if I am - my Self is not so bad, she's pretty cool to hang out with even on the bad days.
Part of my fresh start is to get back into my body is small steps, 10 minutes at a time. To improve my nutritional intake with one meal at a time enjoying smaller portions of food direct from the earth and more often. To enjoy 10 minutes to meditate bringing clarity to decisions. To take 10 minutes every day to do something that I absolutely love that is just for me and no one else.
This week's plan:
-Healthy breakfast and fresh juice before I leave for work.
-Pack a lunch and eat my afternoon snack.
-Eat a light dinner.
-Drink water and tea, avoid coffee and soda.
-10 minutes qigong, every day.
-walk with my husband, two days after work.
-10 minutes meditation before bed.
Do what I love:
-ukelele, sing, write, journal, draw, listen to music - just to listen to music, DANCE!
I am not afraid to be my best self any more. Small steps.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I have written about perspective a number of times throughout my weight-loss and here is a link that really shows how our self-perspective is often skewed and how the world sees us is much better than we think. www.upworthy.com/2-people-described-
nd-this-is-what-happene Pictures show this clearly.
Start with love. Love yourself. When you aren't feeling great about yourself, volunteer and help someone in need. You can't help but feel better when you share of yourself. And the person you help will only see you as an angel. One day you may begin to see yourself as you truly are - a child of light.
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
So, I'm over the shock of re-entry into being back in Boston and not working 60 hours a week in a hole in the wall or traveling so much. I am so thankful for all the responses to my last blog. Thank you to each and every one of you who reads these. And thanks to SparkPeople for always being a safe place to share. Isn't it really wonderful?
I have been enjoying riding my moped. I took a server position for a friend at two of his restaurants so I have been more active, in general. I'm new to serving - never waited tables in all my life. I spilled a beer and almost dropped a plate my first try but now I'm getting the hang of it.
Part of me questions whether I "should" have jumped into something right away but it makes my husband feel better knowing I at least have a "job". We are very tight on cash right now. It is really crazy how despite the past 7 years of working a job getting paid well, that I'm back to the poorhouse so quick, after a little exploration at a position with a non-profit. Alas, he was out of work for 3 years so anything I would have put away for a buffer for now, was used then. I'm sure I'm not alone with regards to financial hardship. There is a lot of that going around. We all just keep doing the best we can.
Anyway, my current in-between jobs, if anything, serve as great character study for writing. I am meeting people I wouldn't ordinarily get to meet and getting to know them and how they live their lives.
I am back and forth - do I just get a job that pays a lot or just take the risk now and start a business? I'm not in the financial position really right now but again it depends on what kind of business I start. I am going to a business center for women for an information session on Thursday and am glad I could re-arrange my schedule to go to it. So there... I will continue to research and ponder for this month at least. It wouldn't hurt to update my resume though regardless. I have procrastinated on that long enough. I will try to make some headway on that this week, too.
I am slowly cleaning my house. It got so far behind when I was traveling. I don't know why, but I need a clean space in order to be creative, despite my creativity often making another mess anyway!. It's crazy but it's what I need and require it. I'm trying to just do a little at a time and hope that eventually the house will be back to sparkling...
I'm more active but balancing that with just nesting at home. I have missed my home and all of my comforts there, including my sweetie.
Well, that's it for now. Kind of a boring blog... sorry. There is just so much percolating.
Friday, March 01, 2013
As I read my last blog from September, I feel as though a lifetime has been lived since those days. It has been a whirlwind of changes. I left my job to work at a yoga retreat center in hopes of a stable environment, to eventually make a home in the Berkshires, to have rewarding work and also the opportunity to practice yoga and yogadance to my heart's content. What a dream right? It was the perfect transition position for me on my road to eventually owning my own business as I paid down my debt.
Well, what looked good on paper didn't exactly pan out. Not at all. Within three weeks, they fired, that's right fired and walked out the building the wonderful boss who made it possible for me to leave at the end of the day with no worries and take my yoga classes. The reason? Insubordination??? Another word for politics. I was spiraled into seeing that this community was founded not in the ideals I expected but in the same politics I found at the financial investment firm and I was no more stable here than there. What a disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely ignorant to there being problems at this place and I knew it was not utopia. However, really? I didn't think it was THAT bad.
The following four months turned into 50-60, if not more, work hours a week sitting in a little closet with a window that overlooked insulation and not the outdoors. Dark with horrible air quality. Doing the same thing week after week on a deadline with pressure. Considering the circumstance, I was able to use all the strength of character I had in hopes that my yogic discipline of integrity might at least be an example of good behavior. But alas, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Nor can you expect that even if you do not get involved in others issues, that their issues won't involve themselves with you.
Well, needless to say, after a few last straws, I can say had the strength to say this is an unacceptable environment for me. I gave my notice and EVEN gave them a month and half, trained the new girl ONLY to be treated so incredibly rude at the end. I'm still a bit dumbfounded about it. Yet another place in my life where I feel I gave so much compassion to not have it returned. It is a sharp realization.
I am proud that I left sooner rather than later because in past years I would stay so much longer letting myself be beaten. Though, I can't help but ask the question "where did I go wrong in even letting myself be in the situation to begin with?" Note that I do not say - what's wrong with me. That's a great step in the right direction because in the past I would internalize this and feel the whole thing is my fault which I absolutely know it is not.
So here I am. I am back home and Boston and never been happier to call this my home. I won't ever say that I didn't try to live in the Berkshires or to have this experience. I won't have regret. But, after living at a yoga retreat center for 4.5 months, it is unfortunate that I did less yoga than I have ever done in my life and I return to Boston out of shape and back in a size 16.
As Ben Affleck said at the Oscars, "it's how you get back up" and so I'm getting back up today. Despite my long absence from SparkPeople, I ask for encouragement today. Somehow, I will find a way to optimal health and lifestyle. I deserve no less and I am willing to do the work necessary.
I hope this blog finds you well and also "getting back up" on a daily basis forever because that's what I have decided to do.
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