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The Shifting

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

As I continue to blog and search within the shift has started.

This morning I woke up to this message:

I scrambled out of bed and packed my gym bag! I'm not waiting ... one more day to signup at the new gym. I'm giving myself an early birthday present TODAY. I have a call in to setup a trainer appointment too. I want to learn the ST training circuit as quickly as possible.

This won't fix everything but it sure as heck will make me feel better. I'm looking forward to getting my sweat on again.

Giggles are sure to follow ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1DERLAND14 9/3/2013 6:46PM

    GOOD FOR YOU! That is the attitude of a person who has a vision and is going after it! emoticon

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ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:16AM

    Amen sistah! (can't post emoticons on my friend's computer but I'd be throwing out "Hugs!" "Way to Go!" "We Can Do It!"

(I LOVE the Arc Trainer at my gym - I can be dripping sweat in 15 min)

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TRENTDREAMER 8/9/2013 5:07PM

    "This won't fix everything but it sure as heck will make me feel better. I'm looking forward to getting my sweat on again. "
* :D

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BLISS_OM 8/9/2013 2:01AM

    SUPER AWESOME!!! YOU GO GIRL!!! YOU CAN & WILL SUCCEEED!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Taking Action

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I woke up this morning and the first thing I read was this ...

The Universe is speaking to me and I MUST listen and take action. Depression is a nasty beast, I've battled it on and off for years. At one point I was medicated for it plus I've sought professional help to discuss it. I know my signs and I know how far I can sink. I'd rather not continue to go down the path of darkness feeling cold and alone. Time to take action.

First steps are the hardest ...

No more hiding mentally.
I've already sought out a friend to confide in and I've made my depression known to all of you. I'm not good at vulnerable and just taking these unforced steps have helped.
I confessed to someone who has known me over 11 years that I am a binge eater and that I hide food. Although shocked he was supportive.

I've started to talk to the person(s) causing the most pain. It's unpleasant and uncomfortable but from here there can only be change.

Work out.
I stopped working out weeks ago when I hurt my shoulder. I use time and distance from my current gym as an excuse as well as my workout friend not being available. *CLEARS THROAT* This madness must stop!
I am walking away from my other gym. It no longer works for me and I must let go and move on. As a gift to myself, I am joining the gym I sought out yesterday. A 30-min. hardcore ST session allows me to utilize the place during my lunch hour.

Be Creative.
I've over shadowed my creative side. I have multiple projects in my brain that I'll be putting into action soonest.

Hold myself accountable and those around me.

Actively finding my giggle

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1DERLAND14 9/3/2013 6:45PM

    WOW, I commend you to be able to put your thoughts and emotions into words and to be so open. You are definitely on the right track by making a plan of action! I know it is difficult when we feel like we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but keep fighting and you will get there! emoticon

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ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:14AM

    A most Excellent Plan... carry on my dear!

(I know a lunchtime workout is the only workable solution for my schedule these days - see latest blog entry for details ;-)

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BLISS_OM 8/9/2013 1:52AM

    It is SO BRAVE and COURAGEOUS of you to admit your challenges and fears and RELEASE the stigma and shame!!! You are BOLD and a Warrior Woman! I love that you have a plan of action, too, I find that always helps me activate and manifest my truest hearts desire. I will pray for your success. I also suggest you check out the book, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown - she talks about repelling shame with truth and sharing and being willing to dare greatly! I also recommend ANYTHING written by Sark! A California based artist who's also combatted depression and overcome a really twisted and painful childhood of abuse to become one of the most light-filled, JOY-Seekers on the planet! When you mentioned actively finding your giggle - I thought of her. One of my favorite SARK-isms, is to LIVE JUICY! Go for it! You are RESPLENDENT & BEAUTIFUL and WORTHY OF ALL GREATNESS! Blessings, Bliss! emoticon

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TRYSCHE13 8/7/2013 12:21PM

    Hang in there, realizing what you are dealing with is half the battle.

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MANLEYSANDY 8/7/2013 11:44AM

    I wanted to leave a comment on your previous blog but work has been so hectic!!!

I too, battled depression, since as far back as I can remember, but I only admitted it to myself when I sought out professional help after going through a divorce. It is hard for people to understand, but it is a disease that needs attention and care, sometimes with medication, sometimes with professional help, sometimes with both, but everything you said above are absolutely fantastic action steps!! I also know that you will explore all your options as you progress, because you are a doer!!

As you know I sought out some professional help recently and as hard as it is, having and doing those uncomfortable things are the best thing!!

Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable, I know it is so hard, but it will be so worth it in the end!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 8/6/2013 4:02PM

    You are UNIQUE! The wisdom of Solomon still holds true today. He is said to be the main author of "The Book of Proverbs" There are 31 short chapters advising those interested in coping with life, business or profession. I challenge you to digest the contents of one chapter a day. At the end of 31-days repeat the cycle three times.

The Book can be accessed for free on the net so you have nothing to lose & everything to gain. You are in my prayers, Earl emoticon

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Still searching

Monday, August 05, 2013

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." ― Steve Maraboli

Say what now? LOL!

My funk aka depression continues. I fight it every day but chose to live in the darkness of it over the weekend. The only real outing I had on the calendar was lunch with a girlfriend wherein I was going to discuss some of the things going on. She had to cancel lunch at the last minute ... I sunk lower into the darkness. It's not often I find the courage to show my vulnerability to others ...

Instead of hiding at home the whole weekend, I did force myself to go outside in the sun and actually ran an errand. I interrupted my pattern and did something different. I am better for it.

Today I made the decision to checkout a gym around the corner from my office. The front desk guy was personable and gave me an excellent tour. They have a ST circuit that can be completed in 30 minutes AND all the organized classes are 30-minutes and are generally limited to 5 to 6 people. There seems to be enough equipment for the masses so no waiting in line. (I went at a peak hour) I felt all tingly and wonderful walking back to the office. This could be *my* new place.

I LOVE to workout! I MISS working out! I NEED to workout! My gym isn't cutting it anymore. I need to say good-bye and find a new experience. So much sot that I sent management an email today about cancelling my 12+ year membership and await a response.

After all that crazy goodness I opened up to a friend of mine about some of the issues that I'm having. I've resolved nothing but it feels good to just reach out and be heard. He offers an ear to listen without judgment and/or trying to find the answers for me. Sometimes people forget to just sit quietly and listen.

I'm still in the mental darkness and I'm still in my plateau. I can't help but think they are connected in some brutal, unhealthy way.

Still in search for my Giggle!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:11AM

    Crud, just lost my comment but I'll try again!
(don't know WHY I'm not getting notification of your new blog posts?!?)

Hang in there my friend; I can relate all to well to this - you are NOT alone!

Hugs, Val

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MANLEYSANDY 8/7/2013 11:50AM

    I am glad you are here sharing....

It absolutely helps to reach out and be heard, the resolution is getting it out so you know where to go from here!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/6/2013 8:35AM

    Oh KT, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Sometimes all it takes is being heard. I agree, just being listened to sometimes does WAY more good than trying to get answers. I hope you can find your way out of the funk.
emoticon emoticon

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*I feel beautiful and amazing at 202.6!

Friday, August 02, 2013

Down 2 lbs. *SMILES* which means I'm at 202.6 this week. NICELY DONE!

I think my body is trying to stabilize at this weight. I've been here for a long, long time. Plus, my latest blood tests show that my thyroid is now in normal ranges so the doctor won't be adjusting the dosage.

I am also down in inches and it shows, plus I feel it. Sunday night I slid on a pair of jeans that have generally been snug in the past put felt fabulous that night. In addition to that, a friend who sees me a lot commented that my shape is changing. Attention from men has increased as well.

This week I have finally allowed myself to admit a few things ...
*I have slowly been slipping into a depression. All the signs are there and I'm breathing through it on a daily basis. There are two root causes that have opened this door again but they are not topics to be discussed in "public."
*I've lost that loving feeling for workouts ... root cause, see above. Plus, now that I've moved to a different city it's harder - not impossible - to make it to my other gym. I'm currently scouting out a new location - whether it be in "town" or by my office. I'll feel better once I'm sweating again.
*I miss boxing. I miss it like a school girl misses her boyfriend when she's on vacation with her parents and there is no cell service. I'm currently looking for a replacement class. I'll feel better once one has been found.
*I'm more aware of others actions as I sit quietly in my own emotion. Sometimes I'm not impressed and I just want to walk away.
*I feel beautiful and amazing at 202.6!
*I dipped into my stash of chocolates at home and discovered it's no longer the forbidden treat. That doesn't mean it needs to be replaced though.
*I'm tired - see above for root cause.

Next step ...
Finding my giggle again

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EG8383 8/5/2013 9:58AM

  you are beautiful and amazing. The yucky feelings will pass. You can always talk privately, don't forget that. Hugs my friend. I hope you shake things off and things start to look up again real soon. emoticon

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TRYSCHE13 8/2/2013 8:28PM

    Hang in there, things will get better.

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DOOLEYBABE 8/2/2013 7:29PM

    Depression suck! I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. Just try to remember that exercise is suppose to help with depression. I love the fact that you feel beautiful and amazing at your current body weight. I love you see a women with strong self esteem!

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BLUEANGELLK 8/2/2013 7:28PM

    Sounds like you have a lot of changes you are adapting to. You know what you need to do to help alleviate some of you symptoms. Take care of YOU!!!!

So impressed with your 202.6. I can't wait until I know what that feels like. Enjoy the lightness of being healthier and fitter!!

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Being Mindful & Finding Balance

Monday, July 29, 2013

This past weekend I had a lot going on and I was determined to have fun, stay mindful but not be ridged. Mission accomplished.

Friday night the Mr and I went to see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z at Candlestick Park. They are truly talented individuals and yes, they actually sound just as good live as they do on an album. YES! This was our first and likely last stadium concert though. We had good seats but the venue was just too big. We got our monies worth and left happy, happy.

That night I took healthy snacks with me and chose to eat a few chips from the Mr's basket. We skipped the cheese and ate them with salsa and jalapenos.

Saturday afternoon I met up with a girlfriend for a street fair. We had lots of fun walking around for hours looking. While she drank alcohol I was happy with an iced coffee. There was a new food vendor that was preparing corn dogs from scratch - a childhood favorite of mine. I had also brought a healthy snack to this event and snacked it during the day. My friend decided to order a corn dog and offered me a taste. Instead of being ridged I decided to have a taste. It was delicious! Although I could have eaten one myself I didn't go there and I felt good about that decision.

Sunday afternoon/evening a girlfriend and I went to the Kid Rock concert (Uncle Kracker & ZZ Top). I packed a healthy snack again. Yet, when we got to the venue I made the decision to leave the snack in the car. It was a choice I made with a clear mind. Last night I made the choice to drink multiple beers and eat french fries and chicken tenders. *GASP, LOL* I gave myself permission and I made a choice. I'll admit now that the beer was COLD and it was delicious! The fries and chicken were hot and tasty. I don't regret one bite or allowing myself the pleasures of enjoying an experience. I stopped when I had enough and didn't use this as an excuse to go all crazy.

Kid Rock is one of my favorite performers and he didn't disappoint, never does live!!

Today when I got up I had no pangs of "what did I do" or "a crap, I really mucked that up." Nope, I have had the opposite - joy. Sure I indulged last night but I did it with a clear mind and purpose. There really is no need to get all bent about it. The other thing, I am eating responsibly today. I'm minding my calories and carb intake.

I've been stuck ... dwelling on this journey and being stuck ... it sucks the very life out me. I become ridged and brittle with little room left to just live, laugh and experience the moment(s). I've lost my balance and at this time I'm trying to balance things out. This weekend was a perfect reminder of how I can have fun, indulge a bit and then return to business as usual. It really doesn't have to be all or nothing ... this girl can play and feel good about it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EG8383 8/2/2013 12:47PM

  ohhh weeee look at you have fun and being in total control! WTG on sticking to your guns, preparing ahead, and consciously deciding to indulge in modification. This is what this journey is all about! I love that you've owned every single decision you made over this weekend. This is giong to really push you further into victory on this journey. You had such a busy and fun weekend! Keep rocking out my friend. You're awesome!! =)

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MANLEYSANDY 7/30/2013 11:35AM

    WOW! What great concerts! I am not a live music fan, but I would see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z, I just think they are prenominal entertainers!

I think balance is key. You have time and time again told me not to worry about those numbers on the scale. I believe in your self confidence, when I doubt my own. It is something I admire most about you. I know you want to achieve all your goals and I have no doubt you will, but I have said it myself, I am not going to stopping doing the things I love, like drinking wine and eating fries, I just have to find that balance and so will you!


Comment edited on: 7/30/2013 11:36:38 AM

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ENDUROVET 7/30/2013 9:22AM

    JT & JZ - awesome! It sounds like you had a great weekend...

(& like you, I'm not going to crucify myself over minor indulgences... When I was out w/my friend Lisa, she was really trash-talking herself for gaining a little weight. As I dropped her off, she mentioned going to our fave Tex-Mex & was disappointed when I didn't shut her down! I told her hey, cutting my favorite foods out of my life is a sure recipe for disaster!)

Even though I'm disappointed in myself for stalling out in the month of July, I count it as true progress that I didn't REGAIN!

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TRENTDREAMER 7/29/2013 9:18PM

    " I've lost my balance and at this time I'm trying to balance things out. This weekend was a perfect reminder of how I can have fun, indulge a bit and then return to business as usual. It really doesn't have to be all or nothing ... this girl can play and feel good about it! "
* It really makes me happy to hear you say that. My dream and pan-ultimate goal with this is to be able to just basically live a healthy life by choice and desire. Enjoy foods in moderation, but not religiously so (guilt and penance).

I'm really happy that you had a good weekend :)

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/29/2013 8:10PM

    I think you are just awesome! I love the attitude you have about food! I've felt this way from the very beginning. You can't enjoy your new life, when you aren't living it! You ARE living your life, and isn't it just wonderful?!?

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STEVEN_D 7/29/2013 7:13PM

    Bawitaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie jump up said the boogie. My name is Kidddddddddd.

Keep walking that tight rope

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