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KT-NICHOLS-13's Recent Blog Entries

Breathing again ...

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I caved and allowed my best friend to take me out of town this past weekend and can now say it was a blessing. We headed up the coast for a little girl time aka KT needs to get away and talk about "something." I fold within myself and become silent when things in my own world go sideways. My girl had become concerned when this time around seemed to have me in the darkest of places with no hope of return.

We walked on the beach.
Danced in our hotel room.
Ate like we didn't have a care in the world.
Drank wine and bubbly at the wineries.
Laughed until we cried.
We sat in comfortable silence.
We talked like we hadn't seen each other in 20 yrs.

She cried when I told her my story, my troubles, my everything.
I simply started breathing again.

Back to the real world yesterday I discovered my endless hunger had disappeared. Confiding in ones I trust allows me not only to breathe but to put down the food. My situation hasn't changed but now I'm no longer in the darkness and alone.

I'm continuing my efforts at my new gym and have loved every minute there. I escape for an hour for me time ... fun time.

Blessing to you all ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READY4CHANGE81 9/3/2013 6:42PM

    Your weekend away sounds like pure bliss :) I am glad you were able to enjoy that and find comfort in your friend and the simple things in life. I know I have been a consistent sparker and know everything that's going on with you, but I hope and pray that you have peace in your situation soon. I know you are a strong and capable woman...you are a fighter and I have faith that you will make it through whatever comes your way! emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 8/27/2013 7:36PM

    "I caved and allowed my best friend to take me out of town this past weekend and can now say it was a blessing."
* :)

" My girl had become concerned when this time around seemed to have me in the darkest of places with no hope of return. "
* I've "kidnapped" and been "kidnapped by" a few friends (especially in college)

"She cried when I told her my story, my troubles, my everything.
I simply started breathing again. "
* Know the feeling

"Confiding in ones I trust allows me not only to breathe but to put down the food. "
* emoticon

"Blessing to you all ... "
* To you as well

I'm thankful to your friend for what she did for you.

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EG8383 8/27/2013 4:12PM

  SO GOOD to read that you let yourself be removed from your troubles and you feel so much better now that you're back in your world. When you're dealing with a lot as you are it's so easy to just push people away because you're not up to chit chat and entertaining but there is always that one person whom you can just be YOU with. The experience you had with your girl sounds AMAZING. I totally wish I was able to get away like that and refocus and clear my mind. We are never in darkness alone ... we just choose to be ... we have to allow them in so we can find our way again. May your situation change in due time. Glad you've found some peace and ready to keep fighting. HUGS!!

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    A wonderful weekend

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!

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A different path

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I still have that new gym glow happening, LOL! I don't care if I'm busy or tired ... I go! In the locker room I'm not shoving myself in a corner trying not to be seen either. I have found my people and my new favorite gym. Oh ya, can't forget to mention my love/hate relationship with that Arc Trainer. WOW! I'm working my way up from 30-minutes to 45-minutes ... it's tough at a 6 incline and 30 resistance. With this has come a new outlook and a more positive spin on things which helps me find the logic in the madness.

My shoulder is slowly getting better. I've not had a shoulder injury before ... they are no joke! Three+ weeks later I'm still favoring it.

Although my weight hasn't really changed I am not seeing the drastic changes from day to day. I believe this is progress. Also, I'm firming/toning it all up. Many of my clothes are too big now so I can see the change.

This week I've had a bit more anxiety than usual and my sleep quality is tanking too. Anxiety is a trigger for me to binge as is being exhausted. I find myself, as I call it, "circling." First comes the anxiety/exhaustion, next comes the circling/hunt, then comes the binge. I'm trying to interrupt the pattern this time but it's not easy. *FINGERS CROSSED*

It would seem I'm on a different path now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READY4CHANGE81 9/3/2013 6:45PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ENDUROVET 8/15/2013 4:39PM

    I use the "Strength Intervals" program on the Arc trainer which works purty good for me!

But I have to admit there's a lot to explore w/Daily Burn video classes on demand at the new branch...

My recent (increased) stress levels haven't triggered a binge; just more low-level mindless munching... Trying to rein it in before I cross over that Heavyweight threshold again.

emoticon emoticon

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NKING1982 8/15/2013 12:34PM

    Sounds like you are doing great, keep up the good work and keep pushing

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The Shifting

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

As I continue to blog and search within the shift has started.

This morning I woke up to this message:

I scrambled out of bed and packed my gym bag! I'm not waiting ... one more day to signup at the new gym. I'm giving myself an early birthday present TODAY. I have a call in to setup a trainer appointment too. I want to learn the ST training circuit as quickly as possible.

This won't fix everything but it sure as heck will make me feel better. I'm looking forward to getting my sweat on again.

Giggles are sure to follow ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READY4CHANGE81 9/3/2013 6:46PM

    GOOD FOR YOU! That is the attitude of a person who has a vision and is going after it! emoticon

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ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:16AM

    Amen sistah! (can't post emoticons on my friend's computer but I'd be throwing out "Hugs!" "Way to Go!" "We Can Do It!"

(I LOVE the Arc Trainer at my gym - I can be dripping sweat in 15 min)

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TRENTDREAMER 8/9/2013 5:07PM

    "This won't fix everything but it sure as heck will make me feel better. I'm looking forward to getting my sweat on again. "
* :D

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BLISS_OM 8/9/2013 2:01AM

    SUPER AWESOME!!! YOU GO GIRL!!! YOU CAN & WILL SUCCEEED!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Taking Action

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I woke up this morning and the first thing I read was this ...

The Universe is speaking to me and I MUST listen and take action. Depression is a nasty beast, I've battled it on and off for years. At one point I was medicated for it plus I've sought professional help to discuss it. I know my signs and I know how far I can sink. I'd rather not continue to go down the path of darkness feeling cold and alone. Time to take action.

First steps are the hardest ...

No more hiding mentally.
I've already sought out a friend to confide in and I've made my depression known to all of you. I'm not good at vulnerable and just taking these unforced steps have helped.
I confessed to someone who has known me over 11 years that I am a binge eater and that I hide food. Although shocked he was supportive.

I've started to talk to the person(s) causing the most pain. It's unpleasant and uncomfortable but from here there can only be change.

Work out.
I stopped working out weeks ago when I hurt my shoulder. I use time and distance from my current gym as an excuse as well as my workout friend not being available. *CLEARS THROAT* This madness must stop!
I am walking away from my other gym. It no longer works for me and I must let go and move on. As a gift to myself, I am joining the gym I sought out yesterday. A 30-min. hardcore ST session allows me to utilize the place during my lunch hour.

Be Creative.
I've over shadowed my creative side. I have multiple projects in my brain that I'll be putting into action soonest.

Hold myself accountable and those around me.

Actively finding my giggle

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READY4CHANGE81 9/3/2013 6:45PM

    WOW, I commend you to be able to put your thoughts and emotions into words and to be so open. You are definitely on the right track by making a plan of action! I know it is difficult when we feel like we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but keep fighting and you will get there! emoticon

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ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:14AM

    A most Excellent Plan... carry on my dear!

(I know a lunchtime workout is the only workable solution for my schedule these days - see latest blog entry for details ;-)

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BLISS_OM 8/9/2013 1:52AM

    It is SO BRAVE and COURAGEOUS of you to admit your challenges and fears and RELEASE the stigma and shame!!! You are BOLD and a Warrior Woman! I love that you have a plan of action, too, I find that always helps me activate and manifest my truest hearts desire. I will pray for your success. I also suggest you check out the book, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown - she talks about repelling shame with truth and sharing and being willing to dare greatly! I also recommend ANYTHING written by Sark! A California based artist who's also combatted depression and overcome a really twisted and painful childhood of abuse to become one of the most light-filled, JOY-Seekers on the planet! When you mentioned actively finding your giggle - I thought of her. One of my favorite SARK-isms, is to LIVE JUICY! Go for it! You are RESPLENDENT & BEAUTIFUL and WORTHY OF ALL GREATNESS! Blessings, Bliss! emoticon

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TRYSCHE13 8/7/2013 12:21PM

    Hang in there, realizing what you are dealing with is half the battle.

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MANLEYSANDY 8/7/2013 11:44AM

    I wanted to leave a comment on your previous blog but work has been so hectic!!!

I too, battled depression, since as far back as I can remember, but I only admitted it to myself when I sought out professional help after going through a divorce. It is hard for people to understand, but it is a disease that needs attention and care, sometimes with medication, sometimes with professional help, sometimes with both, but everything you said above are absolutely fantastic action steps!! I also know that you will explore all your options as you progress, because you are a doer!!

As you know I sought out some professional help recently and as hard as it is, having and doing those uncomfortable things are the best thing!!

Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable, I know it is so hard, but it will be so worth it in the end!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 8/6/2013 4:02PM

    You are UNIQUE! The wisdom of Solomon still holds true today. He is said to be the main author of "The Book of Proverbs" There are 31 short chapters advising those interested in coping with life, business or profession. I challenge you to digest the contents of one chapter a day. At the end of 31-days repeat the cycle three times.

The Book can be accessed for free on the net so you have nothing to lose & everything to gain. You are in my prayers, Earl emoticon

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Still searching

Monday, August 05, 2013

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." ― Steve Maraboli

Say what now? LOL!

My funk aka depression continues. I fight it every day but chose to live in the darkness of it over the weekend. The only real outing I had on the calendar was lunch with a girlfriend wherein I was going to discuss some of the things going on. She had to cancel lunch at the last minute ... I sunk lower into the darkness. It's not often I find the courage to show my vulnerability to others ...

Instead of hiding at home the whole weekend, I did force myself to go outside in the sun and actually ran an errand. I interrupted my pattern and did something different. I am better for it.

Today I made the decision to checkout a gym around the corner from my office. The front desk guy was personable and gave me an excellent tour. They have a ST circuit that can be completed in 30 minutes AND all the organized classes are 30-minutes and are generally limited to 5 to 6 people. There seems to be enough equipment for the masses so no waiting in line. (I went at a peak hour) I felt all tingly and wonderful walking back to the office. This could be *my* new place.

I LOVE to workout! I MISS working out! I NEED to workout! My gym isn't cutting it anymore. I need to say good-bye and find a new experience. So much sot that I sent management an email today about cancelling my 12+ year membership and await a response.

After all that crazy goodness I opened up to a friend of mine about some of the issues that I'm having. I've resolved nothing but it feels good to just reach out and be heard. He offers an ear to listen without judgment and/or trying to find the answers for me. Sometimes people forget to just sit quietly and listen.

I'm still in the mental darkness and I'm still in my plateau. I can't help but think they are connected in some brutal, unhealthy way.

Still in search for my Giggle!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 8/10/2013 9:11AM

    Crud, just lost my comment but I'll try again!
(don't know WHY I'm not getting notification of your new blog posts?!?)

Hang in there my friend; I can relate all to well to this - you are NOT alone!

Hugs, Val

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MANLEYSANDY 8/7/2013 11:50AM

    I am glad you are here sharing....

It absolutely helps to reach out and be heard, the resolution is getting it out so you know where to go from here!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/6/2013 8:35AM

    Oh KT, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Sometimes all it takes is being heard. I agree, just being listened to sometimes does WAY more good than trying to get answers. I hope you can find your way out of the funk.
emoticon emoticon

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