KT-NICHOLS-13   43,017
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KT-NICHOLS-13's Recent Blog Entries

*I feel beautiful and amazing at 202.6!

Friday, August 02, 2013

Down 2 lbs. *SMILES* which means I'm at 202.6 this week. NICELY DONE!

I think my body is trying to stabilize at this weight. I've been here for a long, long time. Plus, my latest blood tests show that my thyroid is now in normal ranges so the doctor won't be adjusting the dosage.

I am also down in inches and it shows, plus I feel it. Sunday night I slid on a pair of jeans that have generally been snug in the past put felt fabulous that night. In addition to that, a friend who sees me a lot commented that my shape is changing. Attention from men has increased as well.

This week I have finally allowed myself to admit a few things ...
*I have slowly been slipping into a depression. All the signs are there and I'm breathing through it on a daily basis. There are two root causes that have opened this door again but they are not topics to be discussed in "public."
*I've lost that loving feeling for workouts ... root cause, see above. Plus, now that I've moved to a different city it's harder - not impossible - to make it to my other gym. I'm currently scouting out a new location - whether it be in "town" or by my office. I'll feel better once I'm sweating again.
*I miss boxing. I miss it like a school girl misses her boyfriend when she's on vacation with her parents and there is no cell service. I'm currently looking for a replacement class. I'll feel better once one has been found.
*I'm more aware of others actions as I sit quietly in my own emotion. Sometimes I'm not impressed and I just want to walk away.
*I feel beautiful and amazing at 202.6!
*I dipped into my stash of chocolates at home and discovered it's no longer the forbidden treat. That doesn't mean it needs to be replaced though.
*I'm tired - see above for root cause.

Next step ...
Finding my giggle again

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EG8383 8/5/2013 9:58AM

  you are beautiful and amazing. The yucky feelings will pass. You can always talk privately, don't forget that. Hugs my friend. I hope you shake things off and things start to look up again real soon. emoticon

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TRYSCHE13 8/2/2013 8:28PM

    Hang in there, things will get better.

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DOOLEYBABE 8/2/2013 7:29PM

    Depression suck! I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. Just try to remember that exercise is suppose to help with depression. I love the fact that you feel beautiful and amazing at your current body weight. I love you see a women with strong self esteem!

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BLUEANGELLK 8/2/2013 7:28PM

    Sounds like you have a lot of changes you are adapting to. You know what you need to do to help alleviate some of you symptoms. Take care of YOU!!!!

So impressed with your 202.6. I can't wait until I know what that feels like. Enjoy the lightness of being healthier and fitter!!

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Being Mindful & Finding Balance

Monday, July 29, 2013

This past weekend I had a lot going on and I was determined to have fun, stay mindful but not be ridged. Mission accomplished.

Friday night the Mr and I went to see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z at Candlestick Park. They are truly talented individuals and yes, they actually sound just as good live as they do on an album. YES! This was our first and likely last stadium concert though. We had good seats but the venue was just too big. We got our monies worth and left happy, happy.

That night I took healthy snacks with me and chose to eat a few chips from the Mr's basket. We skipped the cheese and ate them with salsa and jalapenos.

Saturday afternoon I met up with a girlfriend for a street fair. We had lots of fun walking around for hours looking. While she drank alcohol I was happy with an iced coffee. There was a new food vendor that was preparing corn dogs from scratch - a childhood favorite of mine. I had also brought a healthy snack to this event and snacked it during the day. My friend decided to order a corn dog and offered me a taste. Instead of being ridged I decided to have a taste. It was delicious! Although I could have eaten one myself I didn't go there and I felt good about that decision.

Sunday afternoon/evening a girlfriend and I went to the Kid Rock concert (Uncle Kracker & ZZ Top). I packed a healthy snack again. Yet, when we got to the venue I made the decision to leave the snack in the car. It was a choice I made with a clear mind. Last night I made the choice to drink multiple beers and eat french fries and chicken tenders. *GASP, LOL* I gave myself permission and I made a choice. I'll admit now that the beer was COLD and it was delicious! The fries and chicken were hot and tasty. I don't regret one bite or allowing myself the pleasures of enjoying an experience. I stopped when I had enough and didn't use this as an excuse to go all crazy.

Kid Rock is one of my favorite performers and he didn't disappoint, never does live!!

Today when I got up I had no pangs of "what did I do" or "a crap, I really mucked that up." Nope, I have had the opposite - joy. Sure I indulged last night but I did it with a clear mind and purpose. There really is no need to get all bent about it. The other thing, I am eating responsibly today. I'm minding my calories and carb intake.

I've been stuck ... dwelling on this journey and being stuck ... it sucks the very life out me. I become ridged and brittle with little room left to just live, laugh and experience the moment(s). I've lost my balance and at this time I'm trying to balance things out. This weekend was a perfect reminder of how I can have fun, indulge a bit and then return to business as usual. It really doesn't have to be all or nothing ... this girl can play and feel good about it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EG8383 8/2/2013 12:47PM

  ohhh weeee look at you have fun and being in total control! WTG on sticking to your guns, preparing ahead, and consciously deciding to indulge in modification. This is what this journey is all about! I love that you've owned every single decision you made over this weekend. This is giong to really push you further into victory on this journey. You had such a busy and fun weekend! Keep rocking out my friend. You're awesome!! =)

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MANLEYSANDY 7/30/2013 11:35AM

    WOW! What great concerts! I am not a live music fan, but I would see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z, I just think they are prenominal entertainers!

I think balance is key. You have time and time again told me not to worry about those numbers on the scale. I believe in your self confidence, when I doubt my own. It is something I admire most about you. I know you want to achieve all your goals and I have no doubt you will, but I have said it myself, I am not going to stopping doing the things I love, like drinking wine and eating fries, I just have to find that balance and so will you!

emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/30/2013 11:36:38 AM

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ENDUROVET 7/30/2013 9:22AM

    JT & JZ - awesome! It sounds like you had a great weekend...

(& like you, I'm not going to crucify myself over minor indulgences... When I was out w/my friend Lisa, she was really trash-talking herself for gaining a little weight. As I dropped her off, she mentioned going to our fave Tex-Mex & was disappointed when I didn't shut her down! I told her hey, cutting my favorite foods out of my life is a sure recipe for disaster!)

Even though I'm disappointed in myself for stalling out in the month of July, I count it as true progress that I didn't REGAIN!

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TRENTDREAMER 7/29/2013 9:18PM

    " I've lost my balance and at this time I'm trying to balance things out. This weekend was a perfect reminder of how I can have fun, indulge a bit and then return to business as usual. It really doesn't have to be all or nothing ... this girl can play and feel good about it! "
* It really makes me happy to hear you say that. My dream and pan-ultimate goal with this is to be able to just basically live a healthy life by choice and desire. Enjoy foods in moderation, but not religiously so (guilt and penance).

I'm really happy that you had a good weekend :)

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/29/2013 8:10PM

    I think you are just awesome! I love the attitude you have about food! I've felt this way from the very beginning. You can't enjoy your new life, when you aren't living it! You ARE living your life, and isn't it just wonderful?!?

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STEVEN_D 7/29/2013 7:13PM

    Bawitaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie jump up said the boogie. My name is Kidddddddddd.

Keep walking that tight rope

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The Truth Is ...

Friday, July 19, 2013

The truth is ... I'm a little bit scared. A little bit angry. A little bit bitter. A little bit tired.

A person in my life yesterday asked me what keeps me going? Why do I push so hard when things seem so stacked against me. I responded with ... because I don't know any other way.

Honestly, A little piece of me died yesterday when I weighed in and the scale announced 204. The number isn't real and I know that but fighting so hard for so long only to see the same number over and over again is bound to take its toll. Yesterday I felt deflated. The truth is I don't know how to not fight ... how to stop and put it all down and walk away. So, I keep fighting and pushing back.

The thyroid medicine makes me sick and my train ride into work is horrifying. The other day I HAD to get off one train before I passed out. I am sure the woman next to me thought I was having a panic attack. I went in for more blood work so the doctor can adjust the dosage. Now I wait.

Today I cried when this was posted on one of my news feeds ...



Self reflection is in progress.

The Truth Is ... I'm Beautiful - Sexy - Curvy - Ambitious - Determined - Loved - a Fighter - Driven - and so much more.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 7/26/2013 3:31PM

    I know it is tremendously helpful to me when I can log onto SP & read that there are others struggling along just as I am...
I can relate - I seem determined to keep myself anchored to that 205 - 210 "stairstep"! (breaking my journey down into 5-lb segments so the whole thing doesn't seem so overwhelming)
Getting ready to post about my latest boneheaded act of self-sabotage, but adding some helpful links which give me a little more impetus to try to stay in ketosis, even though for me the state of ketosis seems to equal miserable constipation... Go figure!

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TRENTDREAMER 7/24/2013 9:36AM

    Sorry to hear about the weigh-in and the medicine.

The difference between constructively-critical self-talk and beating oneself up (bullying) comes down to (1) what one knows about what they're dealing with and (2) how they use that.

For me I used to feel a lot of guilt about my weight bc I thought that I should just be able to eat less and exercise more (0-60). When I realized that I had a sugar addiction, I could address it as such and find an answer. The guilt went away, even if the frustration didn't always.

Last week, I made some really poor choices that I really did have control over (I'm proving that through this week's choices).

Even the loudest coaches and drill sergeants won't push someone if they don't think the player/cadet is capable of more and can help them get there.

Not sure if that pertains to you or not. This has been on my mind a lot lately

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1DERLAND14 7/23/2013 8:52PM

    The pictures made me tear up too. I know how it feels to be in your shoes. When I look at you and see all you have accomplished and how beautiful you are. Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves!! Keep your head up dear! You can do this!

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EG8383 7/23/2013 9:31AM

  KT you are one of the friends on here whom I know I can come browse your page and I will instantly feel encouraged to keep pushing on the days I feel bummed, like this is pointless, or at a loss. I know how frustrating it must be to keep seeing 204 on the damn scale...BUT remember how far you have come already and how long you've been fighting for! You know that it will give in one day. You are beautiful, sexy, curvy,a fighter and so much more!! Sometimes we need to shed a few tears to help us get back up and fighter harder! You're amazing my friend and you just need to smile, be happy with yourself and continue to love yourself and fighting =) Hugs!!

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MANLEYSANDY 7/20/2013 12:20PM

    My heart aches for you...you are all of those amazing thing you wrote above and more! I know it is easier said the done but don't let that number define you!!

Keep working with your doctor, you will find the right balance!!

emoticon

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COBRANBAYAREA 7/19/2013 8:28PM

    I feel that way a lot too. Thank you for sharing that picture. I am the biggest bully to myself. I just never saw it that way. It makes me rethink my thoughts and what I am saying to myself to make me do the right thing. Thank you for sharing.

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MEESH_NAKVEE 7/19/2013 8:06PM

    I know how feeling 'deflated' feels after trying so hard and not seeing results. Having thyroid issues can really mess you up... sometimes the medications can really screw up your weight loss goals. My sister has thyroid problems and she is overweight. She eats healthy and does everything right, but it is SO hard for her to lose weight. I believe you can pull through this. It may be harder for you than most people because of this. I have similar issues (PCOS) and its veryyyyy hard for me to lose. I see people on IP that lose a LOT of weight quickly... and i get jealous. I mean I'm very happy for them n all, but I want it too!! So, I just learn to tell myself, my body is trying its best. everyone is different. and you just have to keep on going. and i believe you can do this. so be nice to yourself. (btw that picture made me cry too)... don't bully yourself... you are beautiful. :)

hugs.

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UMBILICAL 7/19/2013 7:57PM

  Apologize to you. Love is the answer.

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LANAHAUTH21 7/19/2013 7:57PM

  Hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. Hang in there.

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Run or Dye! Ya, I'm Living Life in Color

Tuesday, July 09, 2013



Saturday I was up and out of the house early but not too early for a race day. The Run or Dye 5K peeps were setting up and ready to take us on at 7:30 a.m. for check-ins. That meant I was leaving my place at 7:00 a.m. to head over to Candlestick Park by San Francisco. I'll admit now, it was strange not being up at the crack of dawn only to stumble out of the house to show up at the start line just as the sun decided to make a full on appearance. Yet, I was okay with it too.

Months ago I found entry fees on Groupon.com and nudged my workout friend about signing up. We scored entry fees for $22 each. A great bargain for a fun run. Yup, Run or Dye races are not timed events so unless you keep your own it's just gonna be about the experience.

For those of you reading this that have not done a Run or Dye race, yet know that on race day the lines for check-in are LONG. For many reasons we didn't pickup our race packet prior to race day so we stood in line with the masses. It was a little crazy but it appeared they got everyone checked in prior to the first race starting at 9:00 a.m. Yup, they had two races that day ... 9:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m. I'm not sure if this is typical of all locations but if it is I strongly urge fellow racers to register for the first race of the day.

Within the swag bag we received a Run or Dye t-shirt and a bag of dye. I received ORANGE! My unofficial FAVORITE color of all time. My friend received blue. After getting ready for the race ... they suggest wearing white so the color shows better ... the fun began. People color each other! Yup, the dye was flying and people were giggling with joy.

They release runners/walkers in waves ... we were lined up by 9:00 a.m. and finally crossed the start line at 9:30. They keep you entertained with music and of course dyeing you. The energy in the crowd is off the charts and the happiness being shared is infectious. Unfortunately my friend was a bit of downer as she doesn't like to wait and announced when we did cross the start line that she was tired from all the standing around. I choose to ignore the comment and off I went.

Our course wasn't all that exciting, more like a maze around the giant parking lot. AND the inclines were a breathing taking ... like they took my breath away. LOL.

The dye stations were FUN! Don't be afraid to get in and get dyed! My friend kinda got it but I was full on GIVE IT TO ME! You get out of a situation what you put into to and you only get something if you ask for it ... I got mine.

After crossing the finish line the party really started to get going. They had a full on stage with music and color was in the air. I loved it ...

Here are my photo's. Yup, I had my iPhone which did get dye dust on it but was not damaged in anyway. I did see some folks had theirs in a zip lock bags to help protect them while others just held them. I had mine in my running belt which protected it while in the dye stations.









I washed my running belt and pants after the race and all the dye did come out. I've yet to wash the shirt and socks so not sure about those items. It's best to wear items that you won't be crushed if the color stays and of course don't wear those $200 running shoes unless you don't mind a bit of dust and dye.

All in all, I am glad I experienced the Run or Dye race. The people were amazing - those working/volunteering and those participating. Go. Have Fun. Get Dyed. Giggle. Don't take it so seriously. Expect to wait in a line or two. Let your inner child out to play! Oh yeah, wear sunglasses.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/9/2013 10:57PM

    That's sounds like a great time!

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ABUTTERFLYWISH 7/9/2013 6:40PM

    That sounds like sooooo much fun! Id love to do that one day! It just seems to be about fun, exercise but so much fun and people need that sometimes. Im glad that you got to do that and even happier that you let us know all about it! Thank you!

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MANLEYSANDY 7/9/2013 5:19PM

    Awesome! You look wonderful!!

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TRENTDREAMER 7/9/2013 1:39PM

    A very unique concept. Glad you had a good time :)

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JETHROMAMA 7/9/2013 1:32PM

    How fun! One of my close friends did Run or Dye in San Diego a while ago and LOVED it!

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EG8383 7/9/2013 1:28PM

  this looks like fun. you're much "happier" in the after pic with all the dye on you. I'm going to look on groupon I got my raverun from there.

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Crossing Over to the Other Side (Part 3)

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

A delayed Part 3

My home computer/office used to be in the living room at the old place so I'd come home from work (8 hrs on the computer) and sit at my desk to eat dinner, watch TV, play scrabble and mindlessly surf the internet. Now that I've moved the system into the spare room I rarely use the computer when I return home from work. This is definitely a positive step but I miss some of the connectivity I had - I'll get over it. It's healthier this way. Also, this should also explain why Part 3 has been delayed.

After we moved I went back to the old apartment to clean and clean and clean. I use the oven A LOT and it needed a deep cleaning as did the bathroom. I want my deposit back to replenish the deposit I made for the new place so I sucked it up and started the cleaning process. As I told a friend I think I should apologize to Mother Earth for setting off a chemical bomb in there as I set out to clean. The bathroom was easy. The bedroom and living room just needed to be vacuumed, even though they are going to put down new carpeting. The kitchen was a a different story. I generally clean the oven with all natural products but this time I bought the heavy duty cleaners ... it worked and everything looked great when I was finished. I might have killed a piece of my lung due to the fumes though. *FACE/PALM*

I held onto our keys till the bitter end. After all, I paid for the space SO I was going to keep the space. Others in my life were a bit sad that I was leaving this home behind but I tell ya what, I didn't look back. I handed over those keys and was happy to walk out the front door for the last time. The manager expressed how great the apartment looked after 10.5 years and that the carpet was in great shape. *SMILES* Being able to walk out without looking back confirmed that I had made the right decision! I was now at peace AND I was done.

A few days later I had a check-in regarding my weight loss. What with starting medication for a tired thyroid and moving I wasn't sure where I would be. At one point I was down to 198 but I knew that was temporary due to being completely dehydrated and eating minimal amounts of calories in a day. I was okay with this and took comfort in the fact that I had in fact made it to the other side of 200 again. It confirmed that it was possible and I rejoiced in just knowing this. By the time I did a "real" check-in I'd plumped back up with water and healthy foods but still logged a 2 lbs weight loss. *FIST PUMP* My real success was never allowing myself mentally to be okay with eating foods that didn't offer any nutritional value. My mental wellness journey is my current battle. It's gotten better as I no longer take one piece of chocolate and believe I should have 10. I never gave myself permission to go off my track during this time period ... that was key.

I started unpacking immediately, trying to find some order amongst what seemed like madness. It's been slow going due to being pulled in every direction. All I want to do is be in the new place even if that means just sitting still. I'd say at this time 90% of the boxes are unpacked and things are organized. Sadly, it's my clothes and office that are in need of attention.

The furry ones have adjusted nicely. They run, play and often can be found sitting in a window admiring their surroundings. The wee ones went for a checkup the other day ... a clean bill of health. I suspect with all the room to roam my big boys will drop the 3 lbs that the vet said would be ideal. Irie is no longer waking me up in the middle of the night which has helped with my sleep quality which helps with my state of mind.

I've mentioned before the Mr being on a program I don't necessarily approve of but he's happily losing weight and eating healthy foods. Another happy fact is that we no longer have trigger foods in the house. I still have chocolate in the house but I've tucked it so far up and away that it takes an act of acrobatics to get to it - so much so I don't even bother. HA! Being on the same healthy page has been refreshing. We even get up early on the weekends and go for a 2+ mile walk together.

The new neighborhood is fun to explore. There are things I adore about it and things I just brush away. There's always a good and bad ... I'm choosing to concentrate on the good.

I don't often turn to others for "approval" when it comes to life decisions. I was raised to be independent and self sufficient - a true gift from my parents. So imagine the sting I felt when my own mother questioned two of my decisions: 1) keeping the wee ones and 2) moving. She felt the move was ill timed what with my office in a financial crunch and talks of closing were fresh from two-ish months ago. She also felt strongly that the wee ones should just be given back after all they are expensive. AND, you'll have four if you keep them. *SIGH*

As for the move ... it was either move now or keep killing a piece of myself everyday I lived at the old place. A job is never secure, even after 12 years of service to this one company I know I can be let go at a moments notice.

As for the wee ones ... yup, they can be expensive especially when you take care of them like I do. Yet, I would NOT take part in the "return policy" as listed in the adoption agreement. If I didn't have better manners (learned from said mom) I would have asked dear mom what she would say if I got pregnant ... after all babies/children are darn expensive too. Would she want me to forgo the pregnancy to save a buck &/or adopt the child out (not opposed to that, I'm adopted myself) so I didn't have the expense?

I say all this because sometimes we just have to take flying leap and go! I don't always leap but when I do I've generally done all the homework and weighed the pros and cons. If nothing else ... I was tired of standing still. I understand concerns, especially from mom, but I don't understand negative feedback. It doesn't compute in my world.

In other news: I've started taking an aqua zumba class. What flipp'n fun this has been! It's an evening, 90 minute class in an outside side pool. It's a great way to workout AND to beat the heat. Yesterday I went and bought a new one piece swim suit ... an XL from Wal-Mart. It looks amazing and I feel athletic wearing it. I strutted my stuff on the pool deck last night like I was on the catwalk. I might be curvy but I'm gonna work it!

This weekend I have a color run in SF. My fitness friend and I are still working out the schedule for working out. Now that I'm in a different location I have to do all the traveling. I don't mind that it's just the time it takes to get to and from via the bus and train.

The bay area is HOT this week. All of our beloved fog has left and we're left with the sun trying to cook us to death. I'm hoping this ends NOW. If that's not bad enough our mass transit system ... BART ... is in the middle of a labor dispute which means it's shut down. I now have the pleasure of rising at 5:00 a.m. to catch a 6:13 a.m. bus to arrive an hour early for my job just so I can be at my job. It's messy.

My thyroid medication is maybe working. I have to get retested this month to see. I do know it makes me overheat and nauseous within about an hour of taking it. That makes me think an adjustment is needed.

So as you can tell ... crossing over to the other side has not come without growth pains. I've learned a lot in the process and I take comfort in knowing I made it and I'm better for it. Change is constant and it's darn uncomfortable BUT it's necessary to if you want to move forward.

What's next for me? Not sure. I know I'll write about my color run. Be well and know ... YOU.ARE.FABULOUS!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 7/4/2013 9:53AM

    "This is definitely a positive step but I miss some of the connectivity I had - I'll get over it. It's healthier this way. "
* Amen!

" it worked and everything looked great when I was finished. I might have killed a piece of my lung due to the fumes though. *FACE/PALM* "
* They can be rough.

" Being able to walk out without looking back confirmed that I had made the right decision! I was now at peace AND I was done. "
* :)

"Another happy fact is that we no longer have trigger foods in the house. I still have chocolate in the house but I've tucked it so far up and away that it takes an act of acrobatics to get to it "
* But if you do bother, don't forget to log the minutes of acrobatics in the fitness tracker. You can probably get SparkPoints for that.

" My real success was never allowing myself mentally to be okay with eating foods that didn't offer any nutritional value."
* Again, Amen! I'm getting there myself


"A job is never secure, even after 12 years of service to this one company I know I can be let go at a moments notice. "
* That kept me at my last apartment 4 extremely long years that it shouldn't have. Glad that you moved!

"If I didn't have better manners (learned from said mom) I would have asked dear mom what she would say if I got pregnant ... after all babies/children are darn expensive too"
* You showed a lot of restraint, grace and class. I would have absolutely said that.

"I was tired of standing still. I understand concerns, especially from mom, but I don't understand negative feedback. It doesn't compute in my world. "
* Parents struggle when they're concerned with grown children who make decisions based on different models than theirs. When a child has grown up and is really strong, sometimes they forget that they are still mom/dad. Not saying that's the case with yours.

" I strutted my stuff on the pool deck last night like I was on the catwalk. I might be curvy but I'm gonna work it!"
* Congrats and "Go You!"

" Change is constant and it's darn uncomfortable BUT it's necessary to if you want to move forward. "
* Proud of you for making it.

" Be well and know ... YOU.ARE.FABULOUS! "
* Duly noted!!

Comment edited on: 7/4/2013 9:55:01 AM

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MANLEYSANDY 7/2/2013 5:06PM

    So happy for you!

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