Monday, March 04, 2013
When the bottom falls out from under you what do you do?
a) Hold on for dear life with broken fingers nails and white knuckles
d) Reach deep inside and find strength
e) ALL OF THE ABOVE
Ya, the answer is (e) all of the above.
After months of advising the owner of the firm that we were running on empty and new clients needed to be obtained somehow, someway he finally got the message last week. Albeit to late to save us.
Friday, afternoon, he let me know that we will be closing the doors for the final time at the end of March. THE.BOTTOM.FELL.OUT! O_O I sat stone faced and simply asked, "how do we prepare for that?"
Having seen the writing on the wall for months I wasn't all that surprised but it's still a shock to the system. I've spent 12 years of my life with this company. I don't like job changes so I hung through the best and worst of times. We've had partnership formations, break ups, embezzlement (by the owners wife), our corporate office was fire bombed by defendants in a case and we've hired/fired a few fantastic people and a few not so fantastic people.
I've been tasked with shutting it down but I'm not sure what that looks like. Gotta match and some gasoline? That should do it, right?! HA. I'd handle the task a lot better if I could get answers to my questions but Mr In Charge seems to be too busy to chat. *SHOCKING!*
My emotions are all over the map. The worst one yet, suddenly feeling insecure about my knowledge and know how of the business. That's a sinking feeling of all kinds of nastiness. *SHAKE.IT.OFF*
I'm also angry at Mr In Charge for not paying attention. For not listening. For always being the guy who dreams big but doesn't have a plan in place to make those dreams a reality. I'm equally angry at my Mr for being a spender. I told him months ago that things were grim and to stop the unnecessary spending. He didn't listen either.
I'm bitter at those around me for taking on my issue and making it theirs. I don't want to have to babysit someone else because they suddenly have a mental break due to my employment status. Really, this isn't about you! I tell them and then repeat ... this is why I don't share things because I suddenly have to be your rock and my own pillar of strength. I get the wide eyed stare and silence after that. Here's a thought ... ask me how I'm doing and if there's anything you can do. *VENTING*
I'm sad. It's been 12 years. TWELVE.YEARS!! I'm comfortable and I'm in charge.
I haven't found my happy place yet. I'm still looking!
Sure my Mr works but he makes just above minimum wage. He's been trying to get a new position with a higher wage but the market is competitive. Between his wage and my pending unemployment things will be TIGHT for awhile. Doable? Well, it's gonna have to be doable.
I'm holding on by my fingertips when it comes to my nutrition. I cannot afford to loose control. I can't slide into the blackness and allow binges to take over. Eat responsibly if nothing else right now. I can report I've not binged since the news. A couple of nights I felt the urge and knew if I stayed up after the Mr went to bed I'd be in trouble so off to bed I went to read. *CRISIS AVERTED*
Workouts are a must and I am sore to prove I put in the time. Saturday I was at the gym for Zumba and strength training and back again on Sunday. My workout friend is helping keep me focused and on task. For that I am eternally grateful.
This is a dark time for me right now and I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I'm looking for the next best thing and a soft place to land. I'm looking inward to find the strength I know I have and the power to push through.
When the bottom falls out ... what will you do?
Friday, February 22, 2013
I took a break from using my nutritional tracker here at SP. I do that when I get fed up and bitter about tracking everything I put in my mouth. This time around I lost weight and then maintained. When it started to feel like things were going sideways I came back around to the tracker.
After a few days this is what I've noticed ...
Lunch is very low in calories
Dinner is higher in calories
This imbalance can cause at least two things to happen: 1) hunger in the afternoon and a slow down in productivity 2) over eating at night due hunger issues when I arrive home from work. This ultimately has brought on binge episodes which lead to all sorts of fun facts. Time to find balance with my two larger meals during the week.
I've also started to incorporate veg snacks throughout my day. At this time I am leaning more towards English cucumbers and celery to fend off hunger. It works. I've also been exploring different types of cucumbers with the English being my current favorite.
At night my favorite veg to snack on is roasted kale and/or roasted radishes. Both are super easy to make and inexpensive!
I'm still going strong with the strength training workouts but I have to admit that I miss my hot, sweaty cardio sessions. I desperately miss boxing too! Strength training is were it's at so I'm staying put for now. I did get a boost at the gym the other night when a woman walked over and complimented my arms and how they are toning. YES!
I'm spot on with my water intake. I drink water like it's my job now. I have my favorite cups at work and home with each holding 32 oz at a time. Can't go wrong there.
I've been dedicating more time to me. What a difference that makes. I'm enjoying quiet time, reading, scrabble, massages and music again. This has helped with all aspects of my life.
We have decided that we need more "fun time." Work, work, work makes us a bit cranky and let's face it, it's fun to have something to look forward too. We indulge in free activities around town, go into the city and walk and use Groupon.com to find great deals that are affordable. This month we went Go Kart Racing, talk about fun. This weekend we are going to see the Monster Truck show. Next month, racing again - Go Karts and Stock Cars. In the summer we have plans to go to a botanical garden up North.
It's good to find what works, fix what isn't and to remember to have fun.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Today I feel strong, healthy, beautiful and accomplished.
I headed for the gym for my usual ST session. I couldn't foresee then that I would have one of the best sessions yet. I've progressed from 5 to 7 to 8 to 10 lbs hand weights. I insisted that we move from 12 reps to 20 too. If we think we can't we must try, that is our motto. If today we couldn't maybe it will be next time. My workout friend is fantastic. We don't compete with each other but push each other to do our best. Our end games are the same ... be better today than we were yesterday.
I left the gym sweaty and smiling. It was wonderful! Tomorrow we'll do it again.
We have come up with a plan that once a month we'll head out to a new location. Take an adventure so we don't get board and will have something to look forward too. This month, we are using guest passes to a different, high end gym. In March we are traveling overnight to participate in a 5K. April we are doing a three day workout with new equipment, in a new gym with a new trainer. Our end goal, Rock Climbing!
In other news, I've been putting my new tools in place to control my out of control eating. It has worked. Somedays it's harder than others but I'm determined to retrain my brain and body. A learned behavior CAN be unlearned.
I'm feeling better.
Monday, January 28, 2013
I was sucked into the vortex of random acts of eating over the past few weeks. I could feel the pull to the dark side and was able to fight it off & then I let go. Clearly this is something I need to dig deeper into. I need to figure out the pull and the release. I can tell ya, it's not always an emotional reaction to something. THEN, sometimes it is. Funny how life works!
I crashed & burned the other day after the Mr was physically threatened at work. I ate after the call came in. I ate after my ST session. I ate after coming back from the police station. In general, I ate. Talk about a reaction!
I also slept A LOT this past weekend. I was exhausted so I took the time and slept. When I eat like this I get a high from it and then I crash. It's quit the ride let me tell ya.
I'm not sure I need to return to therapy - the one on one kind - to explore these urges and splurges but I do need to find a different outlet. I was asked the other day if I have a hobby. *CRINGE* Hmmm, a hobby?! Does playing scrabble, cooking, cleaning, working and playing with my furballs count? Ya, didn't think so but thought I'd try.
It's time for me to find a hobby. I used to spend HOURS at the gym. I used to paint for HOURS on end. I used to do a lot of things for a lot of hours. I need to find something that gets me out of my head and into a healthier place - physically and mentally. I need to escape to a place that doesn't involve food. MAYBE I'll try running again. I need an activity that can replace the eating episodes ... exchange one behavior for another. *THINK.THINK.THINK*
In other news:
I registered for the 5K in March! It's gonna be an overnight trip for me & my fitness friend. We are super excited.
The ST sessions I've setup three days a week are going very well.
The latest squat regimen is getting easier. Sunday I did 220 squats. I average 160 a day during the week. I'm hoping my quads will stop screaming at me this week.
I'm setting up a reward system for myself. I haven't previously done this so I'm looking forward to it.
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