Saturday, February 16, 2013
Today I feel strong, healthy, beautiful and accomplished.
I headed for the gym for my usual ST session. I couldn't foresee then that I would have one of the best sessions yet. I've progressed from 5 to 7 to 8 to 10 lbs hand weights. I insisted that we move from 12 reps to 20 too. If we think we can't we must try, that is our motto. If today we couldn't maybe it will be next time. My workout friend is fantastic. We don't compete with each other but push each other to do our best. Our end games are the same ... be better today than we were yesterday.
I left the gym sweaty and smiling. It was wonderful! Tomorrow we'll do it again.
We have come up with a plan that once a month we'll head out to a new location. Take an adventure so we don't get board and will have something to look forward too. This month, we are using guest passes to a different, high end gym. In March we are traveling overnight to participate in a 5K. April we are doing a three day workout with new equipment, in a new gym with a new trainer. Our end goal, Rock Climbing!
In other news, I've been putting my new tools in place to control my out of control eating. It has worked. Somedays it's harder than others but I'm determined to retrain my brain and body. A learned behavior CAN be unlearned.
I'm feeling better.
Monday, January 28, 2013
I was sucked into the vortex of random acts of eating over the past few weeks. I could feel the pull to the dark side and was able to fight it off & then I let go. Clearly this is something I need to dig deeper into. I need to figure out the pull and the release. I can tell ya, it's not always an emotional reaction to something. THEN, sometimes it is. Funny how life works!
I crashed & burned the other day after the Mr was physically threatened at work. I ate after the call came in. I ate after my ST session. I ate after coming back from the police station. In general, I ate. Talk about a reaction!
I also slept A LOT this past weekend. I was exhausted so I took the time and slept. When I eat like this I get a high from it and then I crash. It's quit the ride let me tell ya.
I'm not sure I need to return to therapy - the one on one kind - to explore these urges and splurges but I do need to find a different outlet. I was asked the other day if I have a hobby. *CRINGE* Hmmm, a hobby?! Does playing scrabble, cooking, cleaning, working and playing with my furballs count? Ya, didn't think so but thought I'd try.
It's time for me to find a hobby. I used to spend HOURS at the gym. I used to paint for HOURS on end. I used to do a lot of things for a lot of hours. I need to find something that gets me out of my head and into a healthier place - physically and mentally. I need to escape to a place that doesn't involve food. MAYBE I'll try running again. I need an activity that can replace the eating episodes ... exchange one behavior for another. *THINK.THINK.THINK*
In other news:
I registered for the 5K in March! It's gonna be an overnight trip for me & my fitness friend. We are super excited.
The ST sessions I've setup three days a week are going very well.
The latest squat regimen is getting easier. Sunday I did 220 squats. I average 160 a day during the week. I'm hoping my quads will stop screaming at me this week.
I'm setting up a reward system for myself. I haven't previously done this so I'm looking forward to it.
Monday, January 07, 2013
I made myself a promise at the first of the year that I would stop consuming dairy and sweeteners. I reviewed the Whole30 program again. I wasn't surprised to rediscover it mirrors what I've been striving for since April 2012.
Admittedly, I slacked a bit in the dairy department. I'm intolerant so shouldn't have it but as one of my doctors points out ... your body WILL crave what it can't/shouldn't have. I also slacked on the sugar, or rather Splenda. Damn white powder!! O_O
I can also admit that my workouts had been lacking too. I was a cardio junky. I.LOVE.ME.SOME.CARDIO! However, my body was producing cortisol in staggering numbers after each workout. All my doctors were concerned about it so I quit it. COLD.TURKEY.THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH. Yup, I had a little girl fit and said if I can't have my cardio I'll have NOTHING. Not the smartest thing to do and each doctor tried to put me back on the right path by encouraging strength training as an alternative. I smiled and sarcastically replied, "it simply is not the same - thanks NO."
It would also appear as the end of 2012 was nearing my binge episodes had increased in frequency. My body was becoming used to these episodes and if too much time went by without one I could feel the pressure building up. *SIGH* I needed a fix and I needed to keep it quiet too. So not only do I binge but I do it secretly. *FACE/PALM* My doctors don't know, my bestie doesn't know and the Mr has only started to put two and two together. (Of course, I'm not sure anyone openly binge eats.)
Side Note: I've been binging like this since I was a little girl. *SAD* This weekend I was flooded with memories of these of episodes that increased in frequency and consumption as I got older. The shame around it came when my parents would confront me with the "evidence" and I'd feel like I had failed. They didn't understand it any more than I did. Imagine being a little girl trying to get through a day without being a disappointment - if only in her own mind - and to find a release from it all in the frig or cabinets late late at night under the cover of darkness.
Maybe, I should title this blog, "True Confessions"
Back to today.
I looked at the reality of ALL of this and knew I had to TRY and do something to change the behavior. After all, it's all behavior driven.
I have a small - okay - TINY circle of friends (always have) and most of them claim to be too busy or too unmotivated to become my fitness friend. In 2012 I started to hang out more regularly with a woman from my hometown gym. We started to do more outside the gym and it was always positive experiences and never felt forced. She started participating with me in races and things just naturally progressed. In November I chatted with her about strength training sessions and she happily said yes let's do it. We did!
The reason I'm writing this blog today comes from the unnerving urge to binge over the weekend. I felt it. I wanted it. I quit it. On January 1st I made a commitment to myself that I would eat healthier, be healthier for 30 days (Whole30). That commitment pushed me to change the direction I was headed.
How did that feel? Not the best. No I wasn't empowered by it. I wasn't happy about it. I wanted a fix! I was angry that I wanted it. I was angry that the Mr was around when the urge came. I was mildly irritated that I was too tired to stay up late giving me the opportunity to get my fix. Disappointed. I was flooded with memories of the little girl I was when I tried so hard to just keep it together long enough during the day so no one would see my pain. I was hurting for the little girl who just wanted to make it to the stillness of the night when everyone else was sleeping and I could cry and eat. No, I didn't feel liberated.
It's all a process and I never told myself that change would be easy. Changing a behavior that goes back as far as this one does takes time, love, devotion and commitment. It takes a willingness NOT to give up on myself. It takes courage.
I do feel empowered by the strength training sessions my friend and I have been completing three days a week since the beginning of December. I feel encouraged as my muscles ache when I move because I pushed them to their limits.
On my commute into the city today I asked myself this ... "what comes after the first 30 days?" Another 30 of course.
30 Days, 1 day at Time.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
With a cold snap here in SF my office has been colder than usual. It makes it hard to enjoy a salad at lunch time which leaves me hunger in the afternoon. Boo!
Last night I ordered a thermos so I can start bringing soup.
This is my newest favorite soup. Plus, it will help warm me up.
1 small head of cauliflower
1 small yellow onion
1/2 fennel bulb
6 cloves of garlic
2 bay leaves
1 box of organic chicken stock
1 to 2 tablespoons cider vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons of olive oil
Cut vegetables and place in a covered pot with the chicken stock barely covering the vegetables. Simmer until all the veggies are soft, and transfer to a blender. Be careful not to fill blender more than halfway blend in batches if necessary. Add olive oil to the final batch. Once all puréed soup is combined season with vinegar, salt and pepper to taste.
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