Monday, January 07, 2013
I made myself a promise at the first of the year that I would stop consuming dairy and sweeteners. I reviewed the Whole30 program again. I wasn't surprised to rediscover it mirrors what I've been striving for since April 2012.
Admittedly, I slacked a bit in the dairy department. I'm intolerant so shouldn't have it but as one of my doctors points out ... your body WILL crave what it can't/shouldn't have. I also slacked on the sugar, or rather Splenda. Damn white powder!! O_O
I can also admit that my workouts had been lacking too. I was a cardio junky. I.LOVE.ME.SOME.CARDIO! However, my body was producing cortisol in staggering numbers after each workout. All my doctors were concerned about it so I quit it. COLD.TURKEY.THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH. Yup, I had a little girl fit and said if I can't have my cardio I'll have NOTHING. Not the smartest thing to do and each doctor tried to put me back on the right path by encouraging strength training as an alternative. I smiled and sarcastically replied, "it simply is not the same - thanks NO."
It would also appear as the end of 2012 was nearing my binge episodes had increased in frequency. My body was becoming used to these episodes and if too much time went by without one I could feel the pressure building up. *SIGH* I needed a fix and I needed to keep it quiet too. So not only do I binge but I do it secretly. *FACE/PALM* My doctors don't know, my bestie doesn't know and the Mr has only started to put two and two together. (Of course, I'm not sure anyone openly binge eats.)
Side Note: I've been binging like this since I was a little girl. *SAD* This weekend I was flooded with memories of these of episodes that increased in frequency and consumption as I got older. The shame around it came when my parents would confront me with the "evidence" and I'd feel like I had failed. They didn't understand it any more than I did. Imagine being a little girl trying to get through a day without being a disappointment - if only in her own mind - and to find a release from it all in the frig or cabinets late late at night under the cover of darkness.
Maybe, I should title this blog, "True Confessions"
Back to today.
I looked at the reality of ALL of this and knew I had to TRY and do something to change the behavior. After all, it's all behavior driven.
I have a small - okay - TINY circle of friends (always have) and most of them claim to be too busy or too unmotivated to become my fitness friend. In 2012 I started to hang out more regularly with a woman from my hometown gym. We started to do more outside the gym and it was always positive experiences and never felt forced. She started participating with me in races and things just naturally progressed. In November I chatted with her about strength training sessions and she happily said yes let's do it. We did!
The reason I'm writing this blog today comes from the unnerving urge to binge over the weekend. I felt it. I wanted it. I quit it. On January 1st I made a commitment to myself that I would eat healthier, be healthier for 30 days (Whole30). That commitment pushed me to change the direction I was headed.
How did that feel? Not the best. No I wasn't empowered by it. I wasn't happy about it. I wanted a fix! I was angry that I wanted it. I was angry that the Mr was around when the urge came. I was mildly irritated that I was too tired to stay up late giving me the opportunity to get my fix. Disappointed. I was flooded with memories of the little girl I was when I tried so hard to just keep it together long enough during the day so no one would see my pain. I was hurting for the little girl who just wanted to make it to the stillness of the night when everyone else was sleeping and I could cry and eat. No, I didn't feel liberated.
It's all a process and I never told myself that change would be easy. Changing a behavior that goes back as far as this one does takes time, love, devotion and commitment. It takes a willingness NOT to give up on myself. It takes courage.
I do feel empowered by the strength training sessions my friend and I have been completing three days a week since the beginning of December. I feel encouraged as my muscles ache when I move because I pushed them to their limits.
On my commute into the city today I asked myself this ... "what comes after the first 30 days?" Another 30 of course.
30 Days, 1 day at Time.