Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Years ago before I lost a grip on reality and ultimately took my life I sought out a therapist and started down a path of wellness, mental wellness. That mental wellness path brought me to a parallel path, physical wellness. One of the first lessons I learned at that time was about self care and how important it is and that my self-destructive ways didn't allow for it. As the fog and darkness lifted I sought out more and more self care ... putting myself first and making sure my needs were met. It's not a selfish thing just a life thing. I ran with this reality learning balance in work, home and self. It was/is beautiful and freeing.
Recently it dawned on me that I have forgotten, or rather, was neglecting this practice. I had allowed my work life to over shadow my self care. I had allowed home life to over shadow my self care. I had in fact lost my way. *SHAKES HEAD* When I realized this I asked myself ... "what's your next step?"
The beginning of August I took the next step. I went back to the gym regularly, which includes a bit of time out of the office. I have also started planning and attending activities again on the weekends instead of staying home to always do laundry/cook/clean. I also sought out a massage therapist that has reasonable rates and when I can afford it, I go. How refreshing to not only take care of those I love but to ultimately take care of my own needs.
This brings me to this past weekend and learning yet another lesson. The weekend was action packed and I was almost, almost ready for it. Saturday I spent an entire day 10 - 7 on the San Francisco Bay. Mr H took his yacht out to watch the America's Cup Races and I was asked to attend - it was great to attend and be apart of it. However, I didn't plan well enough and I got hungry and dehydrated. I escaped without issue and stayed the course. A close one for sure but I should have planned better.
Sunday I spent the afternoon with close friends. Friends who have seen me at my heaviest and witnessed me shrinking down to my current weight. When I arrived, I noted I was the only one who brought "fresh" foods yet, it wasn't enough to sustain me for the afternoon. Plus, they are food pushers which makes for an interesting day. If they aren't pushing wine or mixed drinks at me they are pushing processed foods at me. *SIGH* I escaped only drinking water but the food ended up being an issue and I indulged more than I should have. *KICK ROCKS* When I was leaving one set of friends handed me a birthday gift - COOKIES and CHAMPAGNE. A lovely gift that I graciously took home but thought to myself, "Really? I've dropped 120 lbs and you see fit to buy me cookies, champagne and make me chocolate cupcakes?" *EPIC FAIL*
So where is the lesson? The lesson is this, only I can take care of myself and my needs, I can NOT rely on others to do this. I have to remember to provide for myself when I am out and about. While I wanted to be cranky at my friends on Sunday I couldn't - I'm responsible for me. With that I took my lumps today when I weighed in ... a two pound gain. I love my peeps ... they don't wish me ill will or really to sabotage my progress ... so I'm not upset with them. I'm upset that I allowed myself to enter a situation without being fully prepared. I know better!!
It was a tough reminder today that self care is just that ... about ones self! I'm moving forward.
I leave you with this -
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ” ― Mary Anne Radmacher
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Mr and I went on an overnight trip via Amtrak. He announced he just had to get out of town, away from the grind so I got on the phone and made it happen. We headed down to Salinas, CA ... destination no where with not much to do. HA! Amtrak was fun and a great non-stress way to travel.
We did try to rent a car after arriving so we could go over the Monterey BUT they all close at Noon. *SAD FACE* We made due without our own wheels and I have to admit that it was nice not being stressed out about getting to and from in a car.
Being that I am in a very mindful place with eating and wanting to stay on track I had to plan far enough ahead so I wouldn't break under the pressures. Eating "fresh" is hard to do while traveling but not impossible. I made it through the trip without straying off course and ate my weight in salad at an all you can eat buffet that the Mr picked for dinner one night. I equally acted like the dessert, Chinese and pizza sections didn't exist - wow, that was tough.
For the first part of the trip I did pack a few hard boiled eggs which made the Mr laugh. He even took a photo of me for my Instagram page that I entitled, "Me and My Egg." *GIGGLES*
We walked, talked, swam, jacuzzi'd, went to the movies and shopped while away. All fun stuff and it recharged our batteries.
Monday was a killer day at the office and I was thankful my batteries were recharged. In short, Mr H (the boss) was behaving badly and managed to alienate the entire staff, hurt my feelings (that rarely happens so it was a really bad for him) and found himself uninvited to a social function in honor of my birthday. *STRESS* With all that, I didn't allow myself to go off course ... I stayed steady and spoke my mind when appropriate.
Tuesday at the end of my work day - which was much better than Monday - I headed to the city gym to attend Yoga. It was an excellent class. I have plans to return tonight for meditation and another yoga class. It seems I'm finding my way. *CHEERS*
I discovered a new member of the staff recently lost 60 lbs. and is supportive of herself and my efforts in wellness and fitness. Hands down, she is the most positive person I know. She joined the city gym this week - a returning member and whole heartily supports my efforts to attend the Yoga classes. We talk fitness/food/wellness shop when given a chance. What a beautiful change!
This weekend I'll be attending a mini Zumbathon with a fitness friend from my hometown gym. I'm really looking forward to an afternoon of dancing fun.
Change is indeed in the air.
END NOTE: Have I mentioned my new found love for Annie Chuns, All Natural Asian Cuisine, Roasted Seaweed Snacks. My fav is her Brown Sugar and Sea Salt Savory Roasted Korean Seaweed. SHOCKING NEWS: I rarely have to share this snack *GIGGLES*
Friday, August 10, 2012
Between last night and this morning I mentally prepared to go to noon time yoga at the city gym. I'm determined, if nothing else, to adjust to this place!
At 11:30 a.m. I had made up about 101 excuses as to why I shouldn't go and then at 11:37 I was out the door. *DEEP BREATH*
I walked in the front door like I owned the place. HA! A grand entrance indeed. Go big or Go home. I headed to the locker room to change after which I found a place in class. It's good to go early to Micheal's classes, he's a popular guy, and the studio is generally packed. I took a few minutes to center myself and clear my head. Then I leaned over and spoke to the woman next to me ... she was very warm and friendly and before she left she asked how I was doing. *SMILES*
The class was amazing! A few times I found myself drifting mentally to the office and then would freak out at how much time I was spending away. THE HORROR OF TAKING A BREAK - *EYE ROLL*
I was able to do all but one of the poses. the additional weight loss allowed me to move better and position better. By the end I was hot and sweaty ... they like to turn the heat up in class and let me just say now ... Micheal's classes may be considered "gentle, deep flow" yoga but they aren't for faint of heart. A workout you will get.
As I entered the last pose, Savasana, I felt my body and mind completely relax - it was beautiful. Then a flood of emotions overtook me - my body shuddered, tears fell and I laid there silently weeping. Instead of trying to understand why I just allowed myself to feel, to weep. I knew in that moment I just needed to let go and I did.
Yoga, Day 1 ... A complete success in mind, body and soul.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Yup, lost my mind for a hot minute last night and I ate just about anything that wasn't nailed down. Good thing is, the home kitchen doesn't hold a lot of food that are unhealthy in generally. YET, the foods that are there can be unhealthy when eaten in larger than average quantities and combined in one setting.
Here's the quick and dirty version of what happened and why.
First, I was chasing hunger ALL frick'n day yesterday. Tuesday's have become a problem for me. I'm searching out solutions. Yesterday was an epic fail.
Second, I came to the decision that I DO NOT want to be a member at the City Gym. The culture and climate in that gym does not suit me.
Third, I found a new place that I do want to be a member at but I can't afford it on my own.
Fourth, getting out of the cooperate contract Mr H inked with the City Gym is nearly impossible for one year. Unless of course I get fired, die, move or have a medical condition that does not allow for me to workout.
Fifth, The money that is being wasted on my behalf by the office for a membership I don't use weighs HEAVY on me. Wasting money is NOT who I am.
Sixth, work is work and that equals STRESS!
Seventh, did I mention I was chasing hunger all day? Ya, that was an issue!
By the time I got home to an empty apartment - the furballs did greet me with love and affection - I was hungry, anxious and mentally tired. It was a perfect storm to cause the binge.
Home alone + Starvation + Anxiety = BINGE TIME
I don't know how to describe it all. The feeling of "that" hunger. The physical reaction I have with that first, second and third bite. The darkness that comes over me mentally. The ability to shovel in the food a bit too fast because God forbid if the Mr came home to find me in the kitchen with a plate full of "no-no" foods in hand/mouth. He's not my food police by any means and I think like most, my binges happen in the quit darkness of an empty home.
Sadly, when this episode was over the anxiety, starvation and alone time was over. Plus I had physically exhausted myself too. Why sadly ... well, because that reenforces the craptastic nature of these episodes.
The good thing is, I no longer beat myself up or feel guilty over these episodes - which are FEW and FAR between. I no longer look for perfection inside myself but try to manage what is. I'm human and food is my drug. Last night the drug won.
So, the question is ... what do I do next?!
The quick and dirty:
First, I got a good nights sleep.
Second, I am keeping my appointment at the new place for tonight. So a workout is in my future! Can't hardly wait.
Third, I reviewed the contract that Mr H inked with the City Gym and have determined I'm stuck for a year. *KICK ROCKS*
Fourth, No use crying about or eating over it. Make it work. No longer let "work" and the gym atmosphere be the excuse to keep you out of the yoga class you like. Accept that Mr H is paying a HIGH price for those few yoga classes and do the best you can!
Fifth, Talk to the "other" place about the cost & see if something can be worked out. If not, wait it out. In the meantime, enjoy the workout you get for free tonight!
Sixth, figure "IT" out. Anxiety does not have to rule me! I need to keep searching so I'm not powerless over this emotion. The end!
Seventh, Keep on ahead of the hunger. Stay on track with the mini meals.
I'm exploring a brand new day! I feel the affects of last night and I'll pay for it for a few days but dwell on it I will not.
This is me ... out there searching for the answers.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Word on the street is that strength training is where it's at. *DEEP BREATH*
This morning I put together a new workout schedule that includes that very thing. I've decided to take a page out my friends TD's (TRENTDREAMER) book and start off with mini sessions a few days a week and build from there.
Also, I'm going to attempt to break through the mental barrier and use the City gym during the week. Going to the gym on the weekend isn't a big deal due to using my Home Town Gym.
My latest plan has me attending Yoga, which will aid in stretching and strengthening muscles with the added benefit of keeping me grounded. I will also complete a mini "traditional" S.T. session that will include upper, lower and core exercises. I already researched which exercises I'll be doing, this should help when I get into the gym. Plus, I'll also attend a Zumba class once a week.
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