Saturday, September 22, 2012
Sometimes I have feeling of being left out when I sitting right there with the group. *SIGH*
At the birthday party I hosted last night I had those very feelings. I setup the dinner at a restaurant approved by the birthday girl knowing I would have to mind my self-control. As they ate on lovely dishes dripping with cream sauces and dipped into the three varieties of rice I sat and ate veggies and seafood which was flavorful and fabulous. We ordered family style so there was plenty to go around and we ate like the Kings and Queens that we are. The dish I choose was called Deluxe Vegetable with seafood. I ate a bit of the proteins from the other dishes just to have a taste; however, for the most part they consumed with great gusto.
The birthday girl loves her a cupcake - red velvet - to be specific, so during the week I went to a bakery that specializes in cupcakes and ordered a variety for the party. I even asked an office mate if they were willing to taste test a red velvet one - I wanted to make sure I was ordering from the right place - she approved with a two thumbs up! :) I was grateful for the taste testing. I digress ... as the meal came to an end the staff at the restaurant turned the lights off and surprised my friend with a platter of beautiful cupcakes and we all sang happy birthday. Everyone gleefully picked a cupcake and raved over the taste. I sat back, smiled and simply watched. *SIGH*
Here's what I took away from the dinner: Everyone, and I do mean everyone, talked about how full they were. Like hurt me I've eaten too much food kinda full. One person even said her back hurt because she ate too much. Yup, been there and I remember that feeling. The pain of the extended stomach and the ache. I walked away last night feeling light and wonderful - I think they call that satisfied. :O I would not be entering into a food coma within minutes of leaving. YAY, I found that to be a beautiful thing.
That being said, it doesn't make those feelings of being left out any less painful. I felt a little disconnected from the meal & those enjoying it. I couldn't add comments about the foods due to not consuming most of it. I missed the sugar wonderfulness of a single cupcake and how the frosting tastes. *KICK ROCKS*
Sure I could have "treated" myself last night but I know it takes days for my body to recover from meals like that and I didn't think I would be strong enough mentally to walk that line. I'm 2.6 pounds from exiting the 200's so I kept asking myself if one meal and one cupcake was worth it and the answer was no. That pull to the other side of 200 is just too great right now.
The bar we went to was a little easier because I pretended to be the designated driver even though I walked. :)
In the end, the friends were supportive of my choices (no food pushers in the group), the birthday girl had a good time and I walked away feeling like I had really turned a corner in my wellness journey. This morning I woke up and saw a fantastic number on the scale. I had won!! Official weigh-in is on Tuesday morning - good things are to come.
Sometimes this journey can be difficult, lonely, thrilling and exciting. Last night was everything wrapped up into one neat little package. The Universe handed me a challenge yesterday - I accepted that challenge and I Won. *FIST PUMP*
Friday, September 07, 2012
Last night I went to my regular massage person and had a lymphatic massage. A few days prior I was given instructions to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate for 48 hours before the massage and to not eat two hours prior. Easy, Peasy. Done and Done.
Never having a lymphatic massage before I asked about the details ...
What I heard was this: it's a full body massage, lighter in touch than a regular one, you start face up, it will help release toxins and can aid in weight loss. Deep breathing is recommended throughout the therapy.
An hour into my hour massage my therapist asked if I was okay on time ... um, sure, I'm good. I ended up with a 90 minute massage due to the fact that she was so into the session she lost all track of time. Okay, THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH - a win for me.
During the massage I noticed my left side was more sensitive to the treatment and today I can still feel the affects on that side. It was not painful in anyway just different and more sensitive.
After the massage I had energy to burn. I was bright eyed and ready to go, it was interesting. She did say some people feel very tired after and then others feel energetic. I was clearly the energetic one and it has carried over into today.
I've already scheduled my next lymphatic massage for October and would encourage others to seek out a therapist that has been trained in this type of massage.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Years ago before I lost a grip on reality and ultimately took my life I sought out a therapist and started down a path of wellness, mental wellness. That mental wellness path brought me to a parallel path, physical wellness. One of the first lessons I learned at that time was about self care and how important it is and that my self-destructive ways didn't allow for it. As the fog and darkness lifted I sought out more and more self care ... putting myself first and making sure my needs were met. It's not a selfish thing just a life thing. I ran with this reality learning balance in work, home and self. It was/is beautiful and freeing.
Recently it dawned on me that I have forgotten, or rather, was neglecting this practice. I had allowed my work life to over shadow my self care. I had allowed home life to over shadow my self care. I had in fact lost my way. *SHAKES HEAD* When I realized this I asked myself ... "what's your next step?"
The beginning of August I took the next step. I went back to the gym regularly, which includes a bit of time out of the office. I have also started planning and attending activities again on the weekends instead of staying home to always do laundry/cook/clean. I also sought out a massage therapist that has reasonable rates and when I can afford it, I go. How refreshing to not only take care of those I love but to ultimately take care of my own needs.
This brings me to this past weekend and learning yet another lesson. The weekend was action packed and I was almost, almost ready for it. Saturday I spent an entire day 10 - 7 on the San Francisco Bay. Mr H took his yacht out to watch the America's Cup Races and I was asked to attend - it was great to attend and be apart of it. However, I didn't plan well enough and I got hungry and dehydrated. I escaped without issue and stayed the course. A close one for sure but I should have planned better.
Sunday I spent the afternoon with close friends. Friends who have seen me at my heaviest and witnessed me shrinking down to my current weight. When I arrived, I noted I was the only one who brought "fresh" foods yet, it wasn't enough to sustain me for the afternoon. Plus, they are food pushers which makes for an interesting day. If they aren't pushing wine or mixed drinks at me they are pushing processed foods at me. *SIGH* I escaped only drinking water but the food ended up being an issue and I indulged more than I should have. *KICK ROCKS* When I was leaving one set of friends handed me a birthday gift - COOKIES and CHAMPAGNE. A lovely gift that I graciously took home but thought to myself, "Really? I've dropped 120 lbs and you see fit to buy me cookies, champagne and make me chocolate cupcakes?" *EPIC FAIL*
So where is the lesson? The lesson is this, only I can take care of myself and my needs, I can NOT rely on others to do this. I have to remember to provide for myself when I am out and about. While I wanted to be cranky at my friends on Sunday I couldn't - I'm responsible for me. With that I took my lumps today when I weighed in ... a two pound gain. I love my peeps ... they don't wish me ill will or really to sabotage my progress ... so I'm not upset with them. I'm upset that I allowed myself to enter a situation without being fully prepared. I know better!!
It was a tough reminder today that self care is just that ... about ones self! I'm moving forward.
I leave you with this -
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ” ― Mary Anne Radmacher
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Mr and I went on an overnight trip via Amtrak. He announced he just had to get out of town, away from the grind so I got on the phone and made it happen. We headed down to Salinas, CA ... destination no where with not much to do. HA! Amtrak was fun and a great non-stress way to travel.
We did try to rent a car after arriving so we could go over the Monterey BUT they all close at Noon. *SAD FACE* We made due without our own wheels and I have to admit that it was nice not being stressed out about getting to and from in a car.
Being that I am in a very mindful place with eating and wanting to stay on track I had to plan far enough ahead so I wouldn't break under the pressures. Eating "fresh" is hard to do while traveling but not impossible. I made it through the trip without straying off course and ate my weight in salad at an all you can eat buffet that the Mr picked for dinner one night. I equally acted like the dessert, Chinese and pizza sections didn't exist - wow, that was tough.
For the first part of the trip I did pack a few hard boiled eggs which made the Mr laugh. He even took a photo of me for my Instagram page that I entitled, "Me and My Egg." *GIGGLES*
We walked, talked, swam, jacuzzi'd, went to the movies and shopped while away. All fun stuff and it recharged our batteries.
Monday was a killer day at the office and I was thankful my batteries were recharged. In short, Mr H (the boss) was behaving badly and managed to alienate the entire staff, hurt my feelings (that rarely happens so it was a really bad for him) and found himself uninvited to a social function in honor of my birthday. *STRESS* With all that, I didn't allow myself to go off course ... I stayed steady and spoke my mind when appropriate.
Tuesday at the end of my work day - which was much better than Monday - I headed to the city gym to attend Yoga. It was an excellent class. I have plans to return tonight for meditation and another yoga class. It seems I'm finding my way. *CHEERS*
I discovered a new member of the staff recently lost 60 lbs. and is supportive of herself and my efforts in wellness and fitness. Hands down, she is the most positive person I know. She joined the city gym this week - a returning member and whole heartily supports my efforts to attend the Yoga classes. We talk fitness/food/wellness shop when given a chance. What a beautiful change!
This weekend I'll be attending a mini Zumbathon with a fitness friend from my hometown gym. I'm really looking forward to an afternoon of dancing fun.
Change is indeed in the air.
END NOTE: Have I mentioned my new found love for Annie Chuns, All Natural Asian Cuisine, Roasted Seaweed Snacks. My fav is her Brown Sugar and Sea Salt Savory Roasted Korean Seaweed. SHOCKING NEWS: I rarely have to share this snack *GIGGLES*
Friday, August 10, 2012
Between last night and this morning I mentally prepared to go to noon time yoga at the city gym. I'm determined, if nothing else, to adjust to this place!
At 11:30 a.m. I had made up about 101 excuses as to why I shouldn't go and then at 11:37 I was out the door. *DEEP BREATH*
I walked in the front door like I owned the place. HA! A grand entrance indeed. Go big or Go home. I headed to the locker room to change after which I found a place in class. It's good to go early to Micheal's classes, he's a popular guy, and the studio is generally packed. I took a few minutes to center myself and clear my head. Then I leaned over and spoke to the woman next to me ... she was very warm and friendly and before she left she asked how I was doing. *SMILES*
The class was amazing! A few times I found myself drifting mentally to the office and then would freak out at how much time I was spending away. THE HORROR OF TAKING A BREAK - *EYE ROLL*
I was able to do all but one of the poses. the additional weight loss allowed me to move better and position better. By the end I was hot and sweaty ... they like to turn the heat up in class and let me just say now ... Micheal's classes may be considered "gentle, deep flow" yoga but they aren't for faint of heart. A workout you will get.
As I entered the last pose, Savasana, I felt my body and mind completely relax - it was beautiful. Then a flood of emotions overtook me - my body shuddered, tears fell and I laid there silently weeping. Instead of trying to understand why I just allowed myself to feel, to weep. I knew in that moment I just needed to let go and I did.
Yoga, Day 1 ... A complete success in mind, body and soul.
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