Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Yup, lost my mind for a hot minute last night and I ate just about anything that wasn't nailed down. Good thing is, the home kitchen doesn't hold a lot of food that are unhealthy in generally. YET, the foods that are there can be unhealthy when eaten in larger than average quantities and combined in one setting.
Here's the quick and dirty version of what happened and why.
First, I was chasing hunger ALL frick'n day yesterday. Tuesday's have become a problem for me. I'm searching out solutions. Yesterday was an epic fail.
Second, I came to the decision that I DO NOT want to be a member at the City Gym. The culture and climate in that gym does not suit me.
Third, I found a new place that I do want to be a member at but I can't afford it on my own.
Fourth, getting out of the cooperate contract Mr H inked with the City Gym is nearly impossible for one year. Unless of course I get fired, die, move or have a medical condition that does not allow for me to workout.
Fifth, The money that is being wasted on my behalf by the office for a membership I don't use weighs HEAVY on me. Wasting money is NOT who I am.
Sixth, work is work and that equals STRESS!
Seventh, did I mention I was chasing hunger all day? Ya, that was an issue!
By the time I got home to an empty apartment - the furballs did greet me with love and affection - I was hungry, anxious and mentally tired. It was a perfect storm to cause the binge.
Home alone + Starvation + Anxiety = BINGE TIME
I don't know how to describe it all. The feeling of "that" hunger. The physical reaction I have with that first, second and third bite. The darkness that comes over me mentally. The ability to shovel in the food a bit too fast because God forbid if the Mr came home to find me in the kitchen with a plate full of "no-no" foods in hand/mouth. He's not my food police by any means and I think like most, my binges happen in the quit darkness of an empty home.
Sadly, when this episode was over the anxiety, starvation and alone time was over. Plus I had physically exhausted myself too. Why sadly ... well, because that reenforces the craptastic nature of these episodes.
The good thing is, I no longer beat myself up or feel guilty over these episodes - which are FEW and FAR between. I no longer look for perfection inside myself but try to manage what is. I'm human and food is my drug. Last night the drug won.
So, the question is ... what do I do next?!
The quick and dirty:
First, I got a good nights sleep.
Second, I am keeping my appointment at the new place for tonight. So a workout is in my future! Can't hardly wait.
Third, I reviewed the contract that Mr H inked with the City Gym and have determined I'm stuck for a year. *KICK ROCKS*
Fourth, No use crying about or eating over it. Make it work. No longer let "work" and the gym atmosphere be the excuse to keep you out of the yoga class you like. Accept that Mr H is paying a HIGH price for those few yoga classes and do the best you can!
Fifth, Talk to the "other" place about the cost & see if something can be worked out. If not, wait it out. In the meantime, enjoy the workout you get for free tonight!
Sixth, figure "IT" out. Anxiety does not have to rule me! I need to keep searching so I'm not powerless over this emotion. The end!
Seventh, Keep on ahead of the hunger. Stay on track with the mini meals.
I'm exploring a brand new day! I feel the affects of last night and I'll pay for it for a few days but dwell on it I will not.
This is me ... out there searching for the answers.