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My anxiety had swelled to irrational proportions

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Whenever I thought about riding a public bus I'd become anxious and in the end my anxiety had swelled to irrational proportions. Yesterday I squashed that fear and jumped on the O line into San Francisco. At least now I can take the transbay bus without feeling like I'll wet myself from fear. I'll be riding the O line faithfully when my office moves into the city. My commute will balloon to an hour vs my daily 8 minute walk now. Boo Hiss! I'll be riding the bus and then walking 8+ city blocks to get to the office - I could tell yesterday that will be a great morning and late afternoon workout session.

I also recognize that I've allowed my anxiety about putting back the pounds to swell to irrational proportions. I'm not sure how to squash that one, yet. Suggestions are welcome.

I'm looking into new walking shoes as my feet are in a world of hurt. I came home early from the gym last night due to their tenderness and feeling like I was walking on glass. I soaked them for a good half hour to take the pain out and they are much better today. I have new shoes, expensive new shoes, that the fancy running store assured me would be fantastic. Nope, not even close to fantastic, more like craptastic. I'm going back to New Balance and hoping they will work for me. I'm tired of the pain!!

I'm off to a yoga session!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENJESS48 3/14/2012 8:14AM

    Painful feet just make everything harder - ditch those shoes!

And don't worry about putting the weight back on - you've kept it off for literally years and totally reworked your habits. There's no chance that you're going to regain now!

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TRENTDREAMER 3/14/2012 6:42AM

    "I also recognize that I've allowed my anxiety about putting back the pounds to swell to irrational proportions. I'm not sure how to squash that one, yet. Suggestions are welcome. "
* Just knowing that I've lost the 50 pounds once and never gained more than 10 of it back has gotten me to the point that even if for some reason I were to gain it back, I know that I could lose it again. It's become a potentialfrustration, but not a fear for me

Sorry to hear about the shoes and the new commute and the new shoes

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ENDUROVET 3/13/2012 10:55PM

    Oh, & BTW the fancy shock-absorbing Gravity Defier shoes (advertised on this site, just proves the power of persuasive ads!) DON'T work for me; what size are you?
They're an 8.5 & I'll gladly ship 'em to anyone who might get better use of 'em than I did... They've been worn TWICE.

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ENDUROVET 3/13/2012 10:51PM

    Dayum - nothing is as miserable as painful feet, boy do I ever know it!
I have evolved over the yrs from Adidas to Nike to Asics to Mizunos, now back to no-frills basic Nike Lunarglides since my flat feet seemed only to be getting WORSE w/increasing intervention from podiatrist in the form of orthotics, injections, etc...
I also looked up all manner of "arch-building" flat foot exercises on YouTube & did 'em faithfully for a while, need to pick it up again as I enter the home stretch for my next half (4/21). I hope I haven't been lulled into a false sense of security since my feet have been feeling well, almost NORMAL!
sure, they still ache & get sore after a long day, but bounce back after I soak 'em & stretch 'em... Keep after it babe!

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HDHAWK 3/13/2012 9:33PM

    I'm glad you were able to ride the bus, but boy what a long commute. I hope the store will work with you to get some shoes that are comfy. There's nothing worse than sore feet when you're trying to work out!

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CANNIE50 3/13/2012 9:26PM

    I hate when new shoes don't work out - I hope they find the right pair for you. I found ASICS years ago so now I just replace them with the same kind every six months or so. As far as anxiety, I can tell you from lots of experience, the two best solutions (for me) for anxiety are exercise and taking action. If I am fretting about something, my anxiety won't decrease until I do something positive like clean a closet, or make my bed, or make a phone call, or go through paperwork - you get the idea. That, and some vigorous exercise, especially outdoors, tends to lower my anxiety fairly quickly. Nice attitude about the commute, by the way - especially given the drastic change. GOod for you for seeing the bright side.

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SARA72121 3/13/2012 8:59PM

    Running shoes and walking shoes are different so maybe your new shoes are great for running but awful for walking! I personally love my New Balance shoes for walking. Go to a store, fine the ones you want in the right size then go home and buy them online! The shoes I got were like $110 in the store and $40 online. Good luck with the new commute!

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She loved me for who I am, not for who she wanted me to be

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Of late I've had to deal with people behaving badly. In short order I stood up to a bully at the gym as I watched everyone else shrink into the shadows. I helped a new found friend only to have felt used in the end when they decided secrets were easier to keep then telling the truth. I've taken a step back. Another long term friend betrayed my trust. I stood up and made my voice be heard and now he's trying desperately to make amends.

Life is stressful enough without having a bully running around, secrets being kept and friends betraying a trust. Dealing with all three at the same time was all kinds of craziness.

Now today, I receive the news that my Auntie has passed away. I loved her with all my heart and she wasn't an easy woman to love. She lived her way, out loud and didn't care who got in her way. She was a hard woman and often cranky. She taught me to speak up and speak out. She taught me that being a woman was a precious gift to the world. She taught me to be no ones doormat and to always expect better and to never settle. She could make me laugh until I had tears and she could make me mad enough to spit nails. Such emotion she evoked. I was blessed to have her in my life! I am in a puddle of tears today as I remember . . . and I smile because I know she'd tell me to suck it up and don't be sad. I shed tears knowing she can finally rest, her life was exhausting. I miss her, oh how I miss her.

She loved me for who I am, not for who she wanted me to be, that was a precious gift.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NUMD97 3/13/2012 12:49AM

    I found this blog by following the SP crumb trail on my feed, as I say.

"She loved me for who I am, not for who she wanted me to be, that was a precious gift. " This one line, more than any other, captures the essence of a perfect relationship.

Thank you so much for sharing, and I am truly sorry for your loss. Know that your precious memories of your beloved aunt, are a gift that she gave you that will serve to comfort you in times of sorrow.

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CANNIE50 3/12/2012 11:59PM

    It sounds like you are better for having known her, and there are people who are better for having known you - that is a great legacy. Your sadness is a tribute. As an aunt (and a mouthy woman) this was particularly touching to read.

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MAMADWARF 3/10/2012 9:18PM

    This really touched me. I had an aunt like that and being an aunt has been one of my greatest joys. I'm sorry you lost her but I'm glad you had her. What a blessing. She sounds unique and awesome!!

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ENDUROVET 3/10/2012 8:39PM

    Went to visit my beloved godfather, hospitalized for complications after "routine" bladder scan... He's been in frail health for several yrs now, but he can always make me laugh.
Deepest sympathy to you my dear,

emoticon emoticon emoticon

(In case you haven't figured it out, I'm the touchy-feely type! Luv ya!)

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TRENTDREAMER 3/9/2012 9:56PM

    Really sorry for your loss

emoticon emoticon

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FITNESSMONSTER8 3/9/2012 11:17AM

    I'm sending emoticon your way.

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JENJESS48 3/9/2012 8:51AM

    Man, when it rains it pours. Losing loved ones is always hard - but you're honoring her by using the skills she taught you. And your aunt would be proud of you. So sorry for your loss! emoticon

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ABB698 3/8/2012 11:57PM

    So sorry for your loss KT. Your Aunt sounds like an amazing woman, and you are right there following in her footsteps! emoticon

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ANTOSZEWSKIA 3/8/2012 9:28PM

    Hang in there!!! You can handle this!

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HDHAWK 3/8/2012 4:52PM

    So sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like she taught you many valuable lessons!

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WOUBBIE 3/8/2012 4:10PM


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SUZIEMAH1 3/8/2012 3:56PM

    Sometimes we just have to put our foot down and stand our ground lest we be run over and trampled on. Sorry about the passing of your aunt. It is hard when we lose people that we love. emoticon

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BMAN419 3/8/2012 3:54PM


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A tootsie roll

Monday, March 05, 2012

It's no secret, I had a harsh Saturday. Without going into all the gritty details I'll go into the moments of desperation instead.

Anticipating, then receiving devastating news is harsh. That's what happened on Saturday afternoon. The Mr and I are still trying to recover and find the best possible solutions. It was hard to breath and as the reality set in the Mr and I almost, almost, turned on each other knowing full well the situation was created by a third party. Cooler heads prevailed and we moved forward as a team.

What shocked me the most was this ...
After we received the news I saw a bowl of tootsie rolls and without thinking I picked up one and said at least I can have one of these to make myself feel better. Then I immediately said, no it won't make it better or make me feel better but it will taste darn good. (colorful language omitted out of respect for SP peeps). I took that tootsie roll and put it in my purse. I didn't immediately eat it but it did meet its demise a few hours later.

The Mr and I process crisis moments differently. He sits and thinks about it. In this case he would sit and internalize his anger and disappointment. I on the other hand vent. I'd rather spew the venom, get it out and then find a solution. Knowing this I called my bestie and ask her about coming over. She was game. Sadly, she's not the best person to hang out with in crisis mode. Not because she isn't understanding, sympathetic and a good listener but because she has destructive habits that I will gravitate towards them in moments like this.

I recognize that I didn't choose the healthiest options to deal with this crisis but I tried to minimize the damage in the end. I pulled back after I got my vent on. I said no to pizza, buffalo wings and french fries while there. Instead of junk food I went home, ate a salad and made myself dinner. I even skipped the ice cream.

So I write all this because of that one tootsie roll. That one tootsie roll made me see that somewhere deep inside I still believe food will make it better. I caught myself in the moment and I acknowledged it. However, I choose destructive behaviors to make myself feel better although I minimized the self destruction. I still got some work to do.

Looking at the situation now, what really would have helped is a good workout and a good cry. Ya, for a nano second I thought about the gym but then turned my back on it. Silly me, it's a great stress reliever and I didn't use those tools.

The Mr and I have found our solution and moved forward.
I dealt with the third party and their actions.
I lost control but then gained it again.

What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
I am stronger having walked through the fire this weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 3/7/2012 11:44AM

    "What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
I am stronger having walked through the fire this weekend. "
* Good perspective!

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JENJESS48 3/6/2012 11:18AM

    The most important thing, KT, is that you recognize the behavior and learned from it. And really, the destructive behavior wasn't that bad - you stopped a binge before it started, and that's impressive. Each of us will always have work to do; your blog shows me not just what's left for you but how much you have accomplished. emoticon

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ABB698 3/5/2012 9:21PM

    One little tootsie roll made a huge impression KT! Sorry you had issues. Good for you for realizing what you need to do for YOU, and taking care of business with little damage. You're awesome! emoticon

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WOUBBIE 3/5/2012 7:51PM

    Wow. That was awesome! If I were you I'd frame that little wrapper as a reminder!

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NAYPOOIE 3/5/2012 6:27PM

    If you got over it with just one tootsie roll, you are awesome.

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ENDUROVET 3/5/2012 4:15PM

    In my case, the sabotage came in the form of a Krispy Kreme, and it was SO not worth it!

(Blog post coming)


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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 3/5/2012 3:41PM

    I had a craptastic weekend with regards to food, and only after I ate my weight in garbage did I realize it was all emotional eating. You would think after being on the journey this long, I could have recognized and stopped it... NOPE! You did awesome!

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MANLEYSANDY 3/5/2012 3:36PM

    You are awesome!!

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I Got Lost in My Own Head.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I came face to face with an insecurity this week and it's only Tuesday.

The back story, which I'll try only to hit the highlights, to save you all the drama filled craptasticness I had to go through yesterday.

A friend of the Mr's is now living in the New York area and is, by law get married by March 17th (he's here from Jamaica on a fiance visa). The couple are pushing up against the deadline and went into what I can only image is state of panic yesterday. With that and knowing that the Mr and I have plans to go to Vegas at the end of March they began plotting to go to Vegas as well but needed to move the dates to the 5th of March. After much back and forth by text messages it was decided, at least I thought, that the four of us would be in Vegas at the same time and they would get married. My Mr was over the moon knowing he would be at the wedding and hanging out with "his boy." It was an exhausting day for me between work and reworking our vacation plans, which cost us a wee bit more money because "they" needed to change the dates.

Then, at 5:18 p.m. I came face to face with my old insecurity. It was at that time that I learned my Mr and the other couple had all along planned that the four of us would stay in the same hotel room so "they" could save money. WTH?! As I stumbled to gym for my nightly dose of pain and pleasure I called the Mr and asked if this really was the case. Yup, sure was. What made it worse, the other couple were only going to pay the "extra fee" charged for bunking down in our room. No offer was made to pay the hotel tax (whatever that is) and to split or pay a portion of the actual room fee. Now that's just BAD manners if you ask me.

So with my insecurity taking hold and chocking me I walked through the front door of the gym. I found my favorite spot in Zumba and chatted it up with fitness friends. I needed and wanted that workout last night. I wasn't leaving until after boxing and I knew I would leave it all on the floor!

Here's the thing, I love me and on many levels I think I'm one sexy curvy woman (did you hear that, I tooted my own horn, HA!). Yet, yesterday I was faced with a vacation that had somehow been highjacked and I was know sharing a room with two people I don't know and they both are in the category of the "beautiful people." Not just beautiful but the kind of beauty and thin that makes your eyes hurt. HUGH! Nice enough people, at least from what I can tell from my Mr and from what I can get from FB and text messages, but still . . .
I was suddenly the "fat friend" again. The tag along. The one with a cute face. I was suddenly all the things I'm not because I got lost in my own head. It was ugly and I felt like I was suffocating. What made it worse, there was no where I could turn, no one I could talk too. The Mr loves me for who I am and for the skin I'm in so he doesn't have much time to "listen" when things get ugly in my head. My best friend just tries to "fix" it with the standard comments that only sound empty and leave me wanting to flick her in the forehead and to tell her to shut up, all the while wishing I'd never called her in the first place.

Why must people closest to us try to fix everything? Why must they suddenly jump all over you because you have a negative thought or insecurity? Why are we the crazy people when we show our true feelings? Most of all, Why can't people just listen, listen to how we feel? *SIGH* What I want to tell them, and sometimes do, is that I don't need their pity or cheer leading or even their pep talks, what I need is someone to listen. Just to hear me.

So, I moved through my Zumba workout and felt fabulous. I have to admit here that there is a woman in class that makes me smile no matter what mood I am in. She nails every routine and she dances for herself, like no one is looking and does it with a huge smile on her face. She is free and it's so beautiful to watch.

At the end of Zumba I checked my phone and was met with another surprise. . . suddenly the other couple had backed out of the trip. I confirmed with the Mr and was left angry and cold. After all the time, effort and money spent they backed out. I got a sad face text from her and nothing from him. My Mr was angry and beyond disappointed in his friend and the situation. He knew all day I was going along with the changes because it was important to him so he feared my reaction.

As relief set in that I wouldn't have to deal with "the beautiful people" I got angrier at their decision to back out. I got even angrier at the conflicting stories they were telling as to the why they were backing out. HELLO, get your story straight!!!

Then came boxing! I unleashed and I left it all on the floor. I poked around in my head trying to chase the ghost of the fat girl that haunts me. All she wants is to be loved and accepted by ME. Everyone else loves her but in the past I've abused her into tears and left her asking if she was good enough. As always, all she needs to know is that she is good enough and pretty enough to stand beside those she finds intimidating. I gave the ghost all I had last night - my love and my acceptance. In the end, I found myself, I was no longer lost in my own head.

Boxing, it's cheaper than therapy!

Knowing I was walking into a house on fire aka the Mr being angry I put on my happy face and formulated a plan as I walked home. It worked. He pulled up out of the anger and I reworked, yet again our vacation. It's a week for just the two of us, like it should have been all along.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHY4ME 3/13/2012 9:44PM

    OMG that is too weird to want to share a room on your honeymoon. Ewww. so glad for you that you get some time away and a real vacation with just the two of you! phew!!! and wow what a workout!!!

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ENDUROVET 3/5/2012 4:14PM

    Tell me about the power of "boxing therapy" chica! I found Z's MMA gloves so I could pummel his "BOB" this weekend & work out some of MY frustration (I tried w/out gloves but was skinning my knuckles up).

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NAYPOOIE 2/29/2012 12:36PM

    They were going to spend their honeymoon in your room? Freaky.

Got to love "physical" therapy

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JENJESS48 2/29/2012 9:01AM

    Man, that SUCKS. Inconsiderate people suck. But at least you get a great vacation with the Mr. Vegas is a ton of fun - DH and I have gone there twice in the past year. You must check out the Canyon Ranch Grill in the Venetian - it has the healthiest food on the strip and it's absolutely delicious.

Congrats on working out all that internal gunk and making the ghost of the fat girl feel better. That's a real accomplishment.

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WOUBBIE 2/28/2012 6:33PM

    Cool! I hope she's a real girl now and not a ghost, because she's been acknowledged and accepted.

I have a cute little chubby-cheeked pest in my head, and until my late twenties I was mean to her, always planning improvement programs for her to work on. But for years now I've let her be the source of my ridiculous sense of humor and fun. Love that girl!

Give your inner child a hug from me!


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TRENTDREAMER 2/28/2012 4:14PM

    "Why must people closest to us try to fix everything? Why must they suddenly jump all over you because you have a negative thought or insecurity? Why are we the crazy people when we show our true feelings? "
* Because they are usually taught that emotions need to be fixed. It was usually what they were taught growing up.

"Everyone else loves her but in the past I've abused her into tears and left her asking if she was good enough. As always, all she needs to know is that she is good enough and pretty enough to stand beside those she finds intimidating. "
* The biggest step in my journey was the day where I realized that physical attractiveness is not a continuum (this one is more/less attractive than I), rather a boolean variable (Either like the way I look or don't.). I was getting no marginal bang for buck by losing weight. Girls were interested in me 15 pounds each way. My confidence in who I was and what I could accomplish was the new game and advantage.

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MEL5BRADY 2/28/2012 3:52PM

    That is awesome! We can all learn from your example. A lot of time I let stuff get me bogged down and get to the point where I think "what does it matter if I exercise; it won't make a difference." I have been struggling with this mentality and am glad to see I am not the only one. thank you for helping see what I need to do at times I am stressed and depressed. I hope you have a wonderful vacation!!!

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Formulating a Plan

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Thank you my spark peeps for lifting me up!

I realized that I'm pretty angry about what's going on in my life and this morning I realized that it's okay to be angry. I also realized I can use that emotion to my advantage and not let it get in my way.

The Plan of Action as I see it right now:

1) The Saturday job might just be a thing of the past. The Mr asked me over the long weekend how it felt to actually have time for me and I responded with, "It feels fantastic." It really does feel fantastic. Okay, the extra money is nice to have and it carried me through a lot of rough times in the past but I rarely have down time. I work, work some more, then I workout and workout some more and then I go home and work. Gheesh ... HELLO - I forgot to schedule relaxation time. That's not just for vacations.

2) I can't stop the office from moving and it might just give me the boost I need. I've felt less passionate about my job for months and one of my goals for 2012 was to reconnect with work. I enjoy my job and I enjoy living close to my job. Yet I ask, what would life be like to not live and breath my job? Hmmm. Moving out of the current space we are in is allowing me to downsize and take inventory of the office. We've got a lot of stuff and I've already donated to a local non-profit organization. It feels good to get rid of the clutter here and that also means mind clutter. Sure, I'll miss this old building that's beautiful and homey but what's to come is mine to make. I'm digging deep and making it real. If I end up in a cubicle it WILL be the cutest darn cubicle you'll ever see.

4) Transportation. Okay, public buses scary me - there I admitted it, again. It's time I tackle that fear and I can only do that by getting on a bus and ride. Maybe I'll take a bus across Alameda and back again . . . baby steps baby! I should note here that I already looked on-line for the transbay bus schedule - didn't really understand it but I looked. More exploring is necessary. This could be an adventure the Mr and I take together - he's fearless when it comes to these things.

5) The personal move HAS to happen. It does, so I can breath again. I've poked my head around the rental market and the Mr and I have driven around different areas outside of Alameda so the process has started. Currently, a wish list for what we want/need in our next rental is being put together. We even chatted about going to a rental agency to find us what we need to lesson the burden on me. Yup, it'll cost a little bit more but time is money people and it's exhausting tracking down landlords/managers and potential rentals. I think we'll leave it to the professions to find our next new place!

6) I already know the moving company that we'll use for the office and home. They are fantastic and I've coordinated moves with them before. I'll call them soon to get a quote on our personal move and work that into our budget. No heavy lifting here - although I could do it. *GIGGLES*

7) Yup, a new gym and fitness routine is in my future. Okay!! But that's the future and this is now. I can't waste fitness hours because I'm mourning and ticked off, I've got to use that energy and location to my advantage. Yet, I can't help but dream of the new possibilities at a new location all New fitness instructors, maybe a pool, new and different classes ... New, New, New.

8) The good thing about fitness friends is that they will travel for fun and exciting fitness adventures. If they're willing and I'm willing the friends forged at my current gym will transfer no matter where I workout or where I live. When I leave this gym I'll miss them but that won't stop me from inviting them to fun activities AND finding new fitness friends.

The changes ahead of me are scary BUT exciting and I suspect they will exhaust me physically and mentally. At the top of my emotional list: Respect and honor my emotions and to feel what I feel. The rest, I believe will fall into place.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 2/24/2012 9:46AM

    Wow! I didn't realize that you had that much going on.

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FITNESSMONSTER8 2/23/2012 11:43AM

    I'm glad you are feeling better about all your upcoming changes. I wish you all the best and know everything will work out for you in the end.

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ABB698 2/22/2012 10:55PM

    Loved, love, love your epiphany KT! You summed all that stress up in once neat package, which I have no doubt you will unwrap carefully and methodically and it all will be well in your part of the world. Just take it one day at a time! emoticon

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