Monday, March 05, 2012
It's no secret, I had a harsh Saturday. Without going into all the gritty details I'll go into the moments of desperation instead.
Anticipating, then receiving devastating news is harsh. That's what happened on Saturday afternoon. The Mr and I are still trying to recover and find the best possible solutions. It was hard to breath and as the reality set in the Mr and I almost, almost, turned on each other knowing full well the situation was created by a third party. Cooler heads prevailed and we moved forward as a team.
What shocked me the most was this ...
After we received the news I saw a bowl of tootsie rolls and without thinking I picked up one and said at least I can have one of these to make myself feel better. Then I immediately said, no it won't make it better or make me feel better but it will taste darn good. (colorful language omitted out of respect for SP peeps). I took that tootsie roll and put it in my purse. I didn't immediately eat it but it did meet its demise a few hours later.
The Mr and I process crisis moments differently. He sits and thinks about it. In this case he would sit and internalize his anger and disappointment. I on the other hand vent. I'd rather spew the venom, get it out and then find a solution. Knowing this I called my bestie and ask her about coming over. She was game. Sadly, she's not the best person to hang out with in crisis mode. Not because she isn't understanding, sympathetic and a good listener but because she has destructive habits that I will gravitate towards them in moments like this.
I recognize that I didn't choose the healthiest options to deal with this crisis but I tried to minimize the damage in the end. I pulled back after I got my vent on. I said no to pizza, buffalo wings and french fries while there. Instead of junk food I went home, ate a salad and made myself dinner. I even skipped the ice cream.
So I write all this because of that one tootsie roll. That one tootsie roll made me see that somewhere deep inside I still believe food will make it better. I caught myself in the moment and I acknowledged it. However, I choose destructive behaviors to make myself feel better although I minimized the self destruction. I still got some work to do.
Looking at the situation now, what really would have helped is a good workout and a good cry. Ya, for a nano second I thought about the gym but then turned my back on it. Silly me, it's a great stress reliever and I didn't use those tools.
The Mr and I have found our solution and moved forward.
I dealt with the third party and their actions.
I lost control but then gained it again.
What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
I am stronger having walked through the fire this weekend.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I came face to face with an insecurity this week and it's only Tuesday.
The back story, which I'll try only to hit the highlights, to save you all the drama filled craptasticness I had to go through yesterday.
A friend of the Mr's is now living in the New York area and is, by law get married by March 17th (he's here from Jamaica on a fiance visa). The couple are pushing up against the deadline and went into what I can only image is state of panic yesterday. With that and knowing that the Mr and I have plans to go to Vegas at the end of March they began plotting to go to Vegas as well but needed to move the dates to the 5th of March. After much back and forth by text messages it was decided, at least I thought, that the four of us would be in Vegas at the same time and they would get married. My Mr was over the moon knowing he would be at the wedding and hanging out with "his boy." It was an exhausting day for me between work and reworking our vacation plans, which cost us a wee bit more money because "they" needed to change the dates.
Then, at 5:18 p.m. I came face to face with my old insecurity. It was at that time that I learned my Mr and the other couple had all along planned that the four of us would stay in the same hotel room so "they" could save money. WTH?! As I stumbled to gym for my nightly dose of pain and pleasure I called the Mr and asked if this really was the case. Yup, sure was. What made it worse, the other couple were only going to pay the "extra fee" charged for bunking down in our room. No offer was made to pay the hotel tax (whatever that is) and to split or pay a portion of the actual room fee. Now that's just BAD manners if you ask me.
So with my insecurity taking hold and chocking me I walked through the front door of the gym. I found my favorite spot in Zumba and chatted it up with fitness friends. I needed and wanted that workout last night. I wasn't leaving until after boxing and I knew I would leave it all on the floor!
Here's the thing, I love me and on many levels I think I'm one sexy curvy woman (did you hear that, I tooted my own horn, HA!). Yet, yesterday I was faced with a vacation that had somehow been highjacked and I was know sharing a room with two people I don't know and they both are in the category of the "beautiful people." Not just beautiful but the kind of beauty and thin that makes your eyes hurt. HUGH! Nice enough people, at least from what I can tell from my Mr and from what I can get from FB and text messages, but still . . .
I was suddenly the "fat friend" again. The tag along. The one with a cute face. I was suddenly all the things I'm not because I got lost in my own head. It was ugly and I felt like I was suffocating. What made it worse, there was no where I could turn, no one I could talk too. The Mr loves me for who I am and for the skin I'm in so he doesn't have much time to "listen" when things get ugly in my head. My best friend just tries to "fix" it with the standard comments that only sound empty and leave me wanting to flick her in the forehead and to tell her to shut up, all the while wishing I'd never called her in the first place.
Why must people closest to us try to fix everything? Why must they suddenly jump all over you because you have a negative thought or insecurity? Why are we the crazy people when we show our true feelings? Most of all, Why can't people just listen, listen to how we feel? *SIGH* What I want to tell them, and sometimes do, is that I don't need their pity or cheer leading or even their pep talks, what I need is someone to listen. Just to hear me.
So, I moved through my Zumba workout and felt fabulous. I have to admit here that there is a woman in class that makes me smile no matter what mood I am in. She nails every routine and she dances for herself, like no one is looking and does it with a huge smile on her face. She is free and it's so beautiful to watch.
At the end of Zumba I checked my phone and was met with another surprise. . . suddenly the other couple had backed out of the trip. I confirmed with the Mr and was left angry and cold. After all the time, effort and money spent they backed out. I got a sad face text from her and nothing from him. My Mr was angry and beyond disappointed in his friend and the situation. He knew all day I was going along with the changes because it was important to him so he feared my reaction.
As relief set in that I wouldn't have to deal with "the beautiful people" I got angrier at their decision to back out. I got even angrier at the conflicting stories they were telling as to the why they were backing out. HELLO, get your story straight!!!
Then came boxing! I unleashed and I left it all on the floor. I poked around in my head trying to chase the ghost of the fat girl that haunts me. All she wants is to be loved and accepted by ME. Everyone else loves her but in the past I've abused her into tears and left her asking if she was good enough. As always, all she needs to know is that she is good enough and pretty enough to stand beside those she finds intimidating. I gave the ghost all I had last night - my love and my acceptance. In the end, I found myself, I was no longer lost in my own head.
Boxing, it's cheaper than therapy!
Knowing I was walking into a house on fire aka the Mr being angry I put on my happy face and formulated a plan as I walked home. It worked. He pulled up out of the anger and I reworked, yet again our vacation. It's a week for just the two of us, like it should have been all along.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you my spark peeps for lifting me up!
I realized that I'm pretty angry about what's going on in my life and this morning I realized that it's okay to be angry. I also realized I can use that emotion to my advantage and not let it get in my way.
The Plan of Action as I see it right now:
1) The Saturday job might just be a thing of the past. The Mr asked me over the long weekend how it felt to actually have time for me and I responded with, "It feels fantastic." It really does feel fantastic. Okay, the extra money is nice to have and it carried me through a lot of rough times in the past but I rarely have down time. I work, work some more, then I workout and workout some more and then I go home and work. Gheesh ... HELLO - I forgot to schedule relaxation time. That's not just for vacations.
2) I can't stop the office from moving and it might just give me the boost I need. I've felt less passionate about my job for months and one of my goals for 2012 was to reconnect with work. I enjoy my job and I enjoy living close to my job. Yet I ask, what would life be like to not live and breath my job? Hmmm. Moving out of the current space we are in is allowing me to downsize and take inventory of the office. We've got a lot of stuff and I've already donated to a local non-profit organization. It feels good to get rid of the clutter here and that also means mind clutter. Sure, I'll miss this old building that's beautiful and homey but what's to come is mine to make. I'm digging deep and making it real. If I end up in a cubicle it WILL be the cutest darn cubicle you'll ever see.
4) Transportation. Okay, public buses scary me - there I admitted it, again. It's time I tackle that fear and I can only do that by getting on a bus and ride. Maybe I'll take a bus across Alameda and back again . . . baby steps baby! I should note here that I already looked on-line for the transbay bus schedule - didn't really understand it but I looked. More exploring is necessary. This could be an adventure the Mr and I take together - he's fearless when it comes to these things.
5) The personal move HAS to happen. It does, so I can breath again. I've poked my head around the rental market and the Mr and I have driven around different areas outside of Alameda so the process has started. Currently, a wish list for what we want/need in our next rental is being put together. We even chatted about going to a rental agency to find us what we need to lesson the burden on me. Yup, it'll cost a little bit more but time is money people and it's exhausting tracking down landlords/managers and potential rentals. I think we'll leave it to the professions to find our next new place!
6) I already know the moving company that we'll use for the office and home. They are fantastic and I've coordinated moves with them before. I'll call them soon to get a quote on our personal move and work that into our budget. No heavy lifting here - although I could do it. *GIGGLES*
7) Yup, a new gym and fitness routine is in my future. Okay!! But that's the future and this is now. I can't waste fitness hours because I'm mourning and ticked off, I've got to use that energy and location to my advantage. Yet, I can't help but dream of the new possibilities at a new location all New fitness instructors, maybe a pool, new and different classes ... New, New, New.
8) The good thing about fitness friends is that they will travel for fun and exciting fitness adventures. If they're willing and I'm willing the friends forged at my current gym will transfer no matter where I workout or where I live. When I leave this gym I'll miss them but that won't stop me from inviting them to fun activities AND finding new fitness friends.
The changes ahead of me are scary BUT exciting and I suspect they will exhaust me physically and mentally. At the top of my emotional list: Respect and honor my emotions and to feel what I feel. The rest, I believe will fall into place.
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