Monday, March 05, 2012
It's no secret, I had a harsh Saturday. Without going into all the gritty details I'll go into the moments of desperation instead.
Anticipating, then receiving devastating news is harsh. That's what happened on Saturday afternoon. The Mr and I are still trying to recover and find the best possible solutions. It was hard to breath and as the reality set in the Mr and I almost, almost, turned on each other knowing full well the situation was created by a third party. Cooler heads prevailed and we moved forward as a team.
What shocked me the most was this ...
After we received the news I saw a bowl of tootsie rolls and without thinking I picked up one and said at least I can have one of these to make myself feel better. Then I immediately said, no it won't make it better or make me feel better but it will taste darn good. (colorful language omitted out of respect for SP peeps). I took that tootsie roll and put it in my purse. I didn't immediately eat it but it did meet its demise a few hours later.
The Mr and I process crisis moments differently. He sits and thinks about it. In this case he would sit and internalize his anger and disappointment. I on the other hand vent. I'd rather spew the venom, get it out and then find a solution. Knowing this I called my bestie and ask her about coming over. She was game. Sadly, she's not the best person to hang out with in crisis mode. Not because she isn't understanding, sympathetic and a good listener but because she has destructive habits that I will gravitate towards them in moments like this.
I recognize that I didn't choose the healthiest options to deal with this crisis but I tried to minimize the damage in the end. I pulled back after I got my vent on. I said no to pizza, buffalo wings and french fries while there. Instead of junk food I went home, ate a salad and made myself dinner. I even skipped the ice cream.
So I write all this because of that one tootsie roll. That one tootsie roll made me see that somewhere deep inside I still believe food will make it better. I caught myself in the moment and I acknowledged it. However, I choose destructive behaviors to make myself feel better although I minimized the self destruction. I still got some work to do.
Looking at the situation now, what really would have helped is a good workout and a good cry. Ya, for a nano second I thought about the gym but then turned my back on it. Silly me, it's a great stress reliever and I didn't use those tools.
The Mr and I have found our solution and moved forward.
I dealt with the third party and their actions.
I lost control but then gained it again.
What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
I am stronger having walked through the fire this weekend.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I came face to face with an insecurity this week and it's only Tuesday.
The back story, which I'll try only to hit the highlights, to save you all the drama filled craptasticness I had to go through yesterday.
A friend of the Mr's is now living in the New York area and is, by law get married by March 17th (he's here from Jamaica on a fiance visa). The couple are pushing up against the deadline and went into what I can only image is state of panic yesterday. With that and knowing that the Mr and I have plans to go to Vegas at the end of March they began plotting to go to Vegas as well but needed to move the dates to the 5th of March. After much back and forth by text messages it was decided, at least I thought, that the four of us would be in Vegas at the same time and they would get married. My Mr was over the moon knowing he would be at the wedding and hanging out with "his boy." It was an exhausting day for me between work and reworking our vacation plans, which cost us a wee bit more money because "they" needed to change the dates.
Then, at 5:18 p.m. I came face to face with my old insecurity. It was at that time that I learned my Mr and the other couple had all along planned that the four of us would stay in the same hotel room so "they" could save money. WTH?! As I stumbled to gym for my nightly dose of pain and pleasure I called the Mr and asked if this really was the case. Yup, sure was. What made it worse, the other couple were only going to pay the "extra fee" charged for bunking down in our room. No offer was made to pay the hotel tax (whatever that is) and to split or pay a portion of the actual room fee. Now that's just BAD manners if you ask me.
So with my insecurity taking hold and chocking me I walked through the front door of the gym. I found my favorite spot in Zumba and chatted it up with fitness friends. I needed and wanted that workout last night. I wasn't leaving until after boxing and I knew I would leave it all on the floor!
Here's the thing, I love me and on many levels I think I'm one sexy curvy woman (did you hear that, I tooted my own horn, HA!). Yet, yesterday I was faced with a vacation that had somehow been highjacked and I was know sharing a room with two people I don't know and they both are in the category of the "beautiful people." Not just beautiful but the kind of beauty and thin that makes your eyes hurt. HUGH! Nice enough people, at least from what I can tell from my Mr and from what I can get from FB and text messages, but still . . .
I was suddenly the "fat friend" again. The tag along. The one with a cute face. I was suddenly all the things I'm not because I got lost in my own head. It was ugly and I felt like I was suffocating. What made it worse, there was no where I could turn, no one I could talk too. The Mr loves me for who I am and for the skin I'm in so he doesn't have much time to "listen" when things get ugly in my head. My best friend just tries to "fix" it with the standard comments that only sound empty and leave me wanting to flick her in the forehead and to tell her to shut up, all the while wishing I'd never called her in the first place.
Why must people closest to us try to fix everything? Why must they suddenly jump all over you because you have a negative thought or insecurity? Why are we the crazy people when we show our true feelings? Most of all, Why can't people just listen, listen to how we feel? *SIGH* What I want to tell them, and sometimes do, is that I don't need their pity or cheer leading or even their pep talks, what I need is someone to listen. Just to hear me.
So, I moved through my Zumba workout and felt fabulous. I have to admit here that there is a woman in class that makes me smile no matter what mood I am in. She nails every routine and she dances for herself, like no one is looking and does it with a huge smile on her face. She is free and it's so beautiful to watch.
At the end of Zumba I checked my phone and was met with another surprise. . . suddenly the other couple had backed out of the trip. I confirmed with the Mr and was left angry and cold. After all the time, effort and money spent they backed out. I got a sad face text from her and nothing from him. My Mr was angry and beyond disappointed in his friend and the situation. He knew all day I was going along with the changes because it was important to him so he feared my reaction.
As relief set in that I wouldn't have to deal with "the beautiful people" I got angrier at their decision to back out. I got even angrier at the conflicting stories they were telling as to the why they were backing out. HELLO, get your story straight!!!
Then came boxing! I unleashed and I left it all on the floor. I poked around in my head trying to chase the ghost of the fat girl that haunts me. All she wants is to be loved and accepted by ME. Everyone else loves her but in the past I've abused her into tears and left her asking if she was good enough. As always, all she needs to know is that she is good enough and pretty enough to stand beside those she finds intimidating. I gave the ghost all I had last night - my love and my acceptance. In the end, I found myself, I was no longer lost in my own head.
Boxing, it's cheaper than therapy!
Knowing I was walking into a house on fire aka the Mr being angry I put on my happy face and formulated a plan as I walked home. It worked. He pulled up out of the anger and I reworked, yet again our vacation. It's a week for just the two of us, like it should have been all along.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you my spark peeps for lifting me up!
I realized that I'm pretty angry about what's going on in my life and this morning I realized that it's okay to be angry. I also realized I can use that emotion to my advantage and not let it get in my way.
The Plan of Action as I see it right now:
1) The Saturday job might just be a thing of the past. The Mr asked me over the long weekend how it felt to actually have time for me and I responded with, "It feels fantastic." It really does feel fantastic. Okay, the extra money is nice to have and it carried me through a lot of rough times in the past but I rarely have down time. I work, work some more, then I workout and workout some more and then I go home and work. Gheesh ... HELLO - I forgot to schedule relaxation time. That's not just for vacations.
2) I can't stop the office from moving and it might just give me the boost I need. I've felt less passionate about my job for months and one of my goals for 2012 was to reconnect with work. I enjoy my job and I enjoy living close to my job. Yet I ask, what would life be like to not live and breath my job? Hmmm. Moving out of the current space we are in is allowing me to downsize and take inventory of the office. We've got a lot of stuff and I've already donated to a local non-profit organization. It feels good to get rid of the clutter here and that also means mind clutter. Sure, I'll miss this old building that's beautiful and homey but what's to come is mine to make. I'm digging deep and making it real. If I end up in a cubicle it WILL be the cutest darn cubicle you'll ever see.
4) Transportation. Okay, public buses scary me - there I admitted it, again. It's time I tackle that fear and I can only do that by getting on a bus and ride. Maybe I'll take a bus across Alameda and back again . . . baby steps baby! I should note here that I already looked on-line for the transbay bus schedule - didn't really understand it but I looked. More exploring is necessary. This could be an adventure the Mr and I take together - he's fearless when it comes to these things.
5) The personal move HAS to happen. It does, so I can breath again. I've poked my head around the rental market and the Mr and I have driven around different areas outside of Alameda so the process has started. Currently, a wish list for what we want/need in our next rental is being put together. We even chatted about going to a rental agency to find us what we need to lesson the burden on me. Yup, it'll cost a little bit more but time is money people and it's exhausting tracking down landlords/managers and potential rentals. I think we'll leave it to the professions to find our next new place!
6) I already know the moving company that we'll use for the office and home. They are fantastic and I've coordinated moves with them before. I'll call them soon to get a quote on our personal move and work that into our budget. No heavy lifting here - although I could do it. *GIGGLES*
7) Yup, a new gym and fitness routine is in my future. Okay!! But that's the future and this is now. I can't waste fitness hours because I'm mourning and ticked off, I've got to use that energy and location to my advantage. Yet, I can't help but dream of the new possibilities at a new location all New fitness instructors, maybe a pool, new and different classes ... New, New, New.
8) The good thing about fitness friends is that they will travel for fun and exciting fitness adventures. If they're willing and I'm willing the friends forged at my current gym will transfer no matter where I workout or where I live. When I leave this gym I'll miss them but that won't stop me from inviting them to fun activities AND finding new fitness friends.
The changes ahead of me are scary BUT exciting and I suspect they will exhaust me physically and mentally. At the top of my emotional list: Respect and honor my emotions and to feel what I feel. The rest, I believe will fall into place.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I realized yesterday that I have been standing still for the past week (maybe more) and it's time to get moving again. Here's the story . . .
Two weeks ago, Mr T, my Saturday boss and friend tossed me under the bus to save himself, I was hurt. Then he asked me for favors, I got angry. I've not chatted with nor worked for him since then. I feel betrayed by a friend and morn the potential lost income that I've had over the last 12 years.
A few weeks ago I told the Mr I can't continue to live in our current rental space, as we simply need more room. The thought of moving my personal life is overwhelming for many reasons and when I realized I would have to relocate us out of my beloved Alameda I was crushed. The rental rates within this tiny little town are off the charts and I refuse to pay rent the size of a mortgage and end up with nothing in the end. So off the island we shall move.
Yet, we can't move because the Mr is afraid this will screw up his paperwork with Homeland Security. This is an irrational thought that he won't let go of even when our immigration attorney told him it makes no difference where he lives as long as she knows our location. *SIGH* So, on a daily basis he lives peacefully in his head and I feel like I'm trapped and suffocating.. *BOO, HISS*
Then, last week Mr H, my boss, told me he is intent on moving the office into San Francisco by April 15th. At first I thought it was just talk, then I knew it would soon be a reality after he took time himself to go look at office space in the city. *SIGH* As he dropped the bomb I froze, luckily with a smile on my face. Ever the helpful and loyal employee I grabbed my pen and note pad to take notes all the while feeling a little piece of me die inside.
You see, I've built a rather cushy life for myself in my corner of the world and to feel it slowly disappear is hurting me. As my peaceful life has started to crumble around me I began to pick up the pieces when they would fall but then I felt crushed by the weight of the pieces I was desperately trying to save. I predict within the next six months my life will turn upside down. *TEAR*
The first change has already happened, I don't go into my Saturday job anymore. I told him I can't make it until I sort out what he has done. He didn't like it much and we haven't spoken since. Nor has he paid the last invoice I submitted. *SHAKES HEAD*
The second change, the office moving to the city. My commute will change from an 8 minute walk to bus and/or train ride that could take up to 30 to 45 minutes. I will no longer be able to go home for lunch or walk to my beloved gym after work. In fact, my entire gym schedule will change due to the commute as the Zumba classes there start at 6:00 p.m. Sure I can rush about and hope to make the pilates classes and then boxing thereafter but zumba will be but a memory during the week. I'll be reduced to one Zumba class a week and that will be on Saturday mornings. I may have to walk away from my new found yoga studio as well.
I can already tell you that I've started to mourn the loss of my gym, my classes and my fitness friends. I felt my passion slip last week and admitted it to the Mr. I stopped and just stood still. I've been at this gym for well over 7 years and love the fact that it's a no frills, get in and get it done kinda place. I enjoy the people and I've made some connections to others on wellness paths similar to mine.
The third change, personally moving. Although I know it's time to let go and move on it's hard. The Mr and I need a place that's ours not mine that he moved into. This apartment has served me/us well and I/we will always have the memories we made. Yet, I've already started mourning the lose of it too. I started standing still when I felt the walls closing in around me.
With so much change rushing at me I became paralyzed. As I said, I just stopped moving. I'm numb but I can't keep standing still - it leads nowhere.
So how do I turn this around ...
The office move will happen, Mr H has made up his mind. I've started to take inventory and getting rid of clutter. Lists are being made and plans are being set into motion. It will kick into high gear once the broker finds the space Mr H is requiring. That might take longer than he wants due to being very specific about his wants/needs. I've already started exploring commuting options - I have a few. Honestly, besides the train bus transportation makes me uncomfortable and that comes from not knowing the system or how it works. There's a simple solution to that, ask someone who knows the system to go on a ride along with me so they can teach me what I need to know. It's still scary!
I'll hold onto my gym as long as I can even if that means I have to let some of the classes. This will give me time to explore new options and get moving in a different direction. When it's time to let go it will hurt and I'll be angry and lost. Same thing for the yoga studio.
The personal move will happen. Life in our current space just pisses me off on a daily basis. I can't breath there anymore and if I can't breath then I stop growing as a person.
Standing still leads to nowhere. I must find the courage and strength to move forward and understand that letting go only makes room for the new. If I stand still I stop. I become paralyzed. I wither and pieces of me die. I need to find away to bust out of my comfort zone and embrace the unknown, the future.
Could this be the key that I've been looking for over the past four years? Change promotes change. Has my wellness journey been stunted in growth because I've been standing still longer than I realize? Only time will tell. Until then, I've got to keep moving - forward. I've got to dig deep and rise above what drags me down. I've got to find the positive so the darkness doesn't overwhelm me.
In other news:
I went with a friend to check out a Zumba instructor that people in town are raving about. She was nothing less than spectacular. Flawless!
The Mr gave me, among other things, 7 boxes of chocolates for Valentines Day. The boxes range from very small to very large. I know, it might seem cruel being that I'm on a wellness journey but it's not and I kept all 7 boxes. Here's my life lesson, just because it's there doesn't mean I need to eat it all the time. Plus, I discovered too much sugar in my system will trigger migraines. Now, that's a fun fact. *BANGS HEAD ON DESK* The last 5 boxes have been put up but not put out. I'm not giving up what I enjoy.
I took time this weekend for me. I did what I wanted and nothing more. It felt good and I feel refreshed.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I've modified my eating and my workout schedule, again.
I've decided to eat a higher protein diet, cut back on sodium and sugar. My body is feeling better. Yesterday however, I lost the war against chocolate. A combination of things contributed to the defeat and I ate it as if my very life depended on it. I'll admit, it was tasty and I regret nothing! The Mr and I went to the movies twice over the weekend and I passed on treats both times. In the past I would have had popcorn and then next day would have been uncomfortably puffy.
I've decided to modify my workouts too. I've decided I can't mentally/physically support two instructors at the gym who are struggling to find their way in classes. With that decision I've had to modify. I'll be cutting out three classes for now and moving forward with walking outside. Today I registered for a 5K and have plans to participate in at least three, if not four races this year. With that, I have to put in time on the streets so my body gets used to the feel again. Dropping the classes will allow me to do this.
Saturday I attended a new class at the gym, Dance Fusion Ballet.
The class is a total body workout.
It's a good class for beginners.
They brought in a professional dance instructor.
The not so good:
The Saturday class is 90-minutes long and happens at lunch time.
The instructor is used to working with dancers - he shows you a routine and then steps back and says, "okay, now you go." It doesn't work that way in a gym sweetie! *SHRUGS*
It has a potential but this girl won't attend again. There are two reasons for that: 1) I felt slighted at the end by the instructor and 2) I was starved at the end after having walked to the gym, danced my way through a 60-minute Zumba class and then participated in a 90-minute dance class. It's just too much for me. I'm happy to have experienced it though and I'll encourage other gym mates to give it a try.
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