Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I realized yesterday that I have been standing still for the past week (maybe more) and it's time to get moving again. Here's the story . . .
Two weeks ago, Mr T, my Saturday boss and friend tossed me under the bus to save himself, I was hurt. Then he asked me for favors, I got angry. I've not chatted with nor worked for him since then. I feel betrayed by a friend and morn the potential lost income that I've had over the last 12 years.
A few weeks ago I told the Mr I can't continue to live in our current rental space, as we simply need more room. The thought of moving my personal life is overwhelming for many reasons and when I realized I would have to relocate us out of my beloved Alameda I was crushed. The rental rates within this tiny little town are off the charts and I refuse to pay rent the size of a mortgage and end up with nothing in the end. So off the island we shall move.
Yet, we can't move because the Mr is afraid this will screw up his paperwork with Homeland Security. This is an irrational thought that he won't let go of even when our immigration attorney told him it makes no difference where he lives as long as she knows our location. *SIGH* So, on a daily basis he lives peacefully in his head and I feel like I'm trapped and suffocating.. *BOO, HISS*
Then, last week Mr H, my boss, told me he is intent on moving the office into San Francisco by April 15th. At first I thought it was just talk, then I knew it would soon be a reality after he took time himself to go look at office space in the city. *SIGH* As he dropped the bomb I froze, luckily with a smile on my face. Ever the helpful and loyal employee I grabbed my pen and note pad to take notes all the while feeling a little piece of me die inside.
You see, I've built a rather cushy life for myself in my corner of the world and to feel it slowly disappear is hurting me. As my peaceful life has started to crumble around me I began to pick up the pieces when they would fall but then I felt crushed by the weight of the pieces I was desperately trying to save. I predict within the next six months my life will turn upside down. *TEAR*
The first change has already happened, I don't go into my Saturday job anymore. I told him I can't make it until I sort out what he has done. He didn't like it much and we haven't spoken since. Nor has he paid the last invoice I submitted. *SHAKES HEAD*
The second change, the office moving to the city. My commute will change from an 8 minute walk to bus and/or train ride that could take up to 30 to 45 minutes. I will no longer be able to go home for lunch or walk to my beloved gym after work. In fact, my entire gym schedule will change due to the commute as the Zumba classes there start at 6:00 p.m. Sure I can rush about and hope to make the pilates classes and then boxing thereafter but zumba will be but a memory during the week. I'll be reduced to one Zumba class a week and that will be on Saturday mornings. I may have to walk away from my new found yoga studio as well.
I can already tell you that I've started to mourn the loss of my gym, my classes and my fitness friends. I felt my passion slip last week and admitted it to the Mr. I stopped and just stood still. I've been at this gym for well over 7 years and love the fact that it's a no frills, get in and get it done kinda place. I enjoy the people and I've made some connections to others on wellness paths similar to mine.
The third change, personally moving. Although I know it's time to let go and move on it's hard. The Mr and I need a place that's ours not mine that he moved into. This apartment has served me/us well and I/we will always have the memories we made. Yet, I've already started mourning the lose of it too. I started standing still when I felt the walls closing in around me.
With so much change rushing at me I became paralyzed. As I said, I just stopped moving. I'm numb but I can't keep standing still - it leads nowhere.
So how do I turn this around ...
The office move will happen, Mr H has made up his mind. I've started to take inventory and getting rid of clutter. Lists are being made and plans are being set into motion. It will kick into high gear once the broker finds the space Mr H is requiring. That might take longer than he wants due to being very specific about his wants/needs. I've already started exploring commuting options - I have a few. Honestly, besides the train bus transportation makes me uncomfortable and that comes from not knowing the system or how it works. There's a simple solution to that, ask someone who knows the system to go on a ride along with me so they can teach me what I need to know. It's still scary!
I'll hold onto my gym as long as I can even if that means I have to let some of the classes. This will give me time to explore new options and get moving in a different direction. When it's time to let go it will hurt and I'll be angry and lost. Same thing for the yoga studio.
The personal move will happen. Life in our current space just pisses me off on a daily basis. I can't breath there anymore and if I can't breath then I stop growing as a person.
Standing still leads to nowhere. I must find the courage and strength to move forward and understand that letting go only makes room for the new. If I stand still I stop. I become paralyzed. I wither and pieces of me die. I need to find away to bust out of my comfort zone and embrace the unknown, the future.
Could this be the key that I've been looking for over the past four years? Change promotes change. Has my wellness journey been stunted in growth because I've been standing still longer than I realize? Only time will tell. Until then, I've got to keep moving - forward. I've got to dig deep and rise above what drags me down. I've got to find the positive so the darkness doesn't overwhelm me.
In other news:
I went with a friend to check out a Zumba instructor that people in town are raving about. She was nothing less than spectacular. Flawless!
The Mr gave me, among other things, 7 boxes of chocolates for Valentines Day. The boxes range from very small to very large. I know, it might seem cruel being that I'm on a wellness journey but it's not and I kept all 7 boxes. Here's my life lesson, just because it's there doesn't mean I need to eat it all the time. Plus, I discovered too much sugar in my system will trigger migraines. Now, that's a fun fact. *BANGS HEAD ON DESK* The last 5 boxes have been put up but not put out. I'm not giving up what I enjoy.
I took time this weekend for me. I did what I wanted and nothing more. It felt good and I feel refreshed.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I've modified my eating and my workout schedule, again.
I've decided to eat a higher protein diet, cut back on sodium and sugar. My body is feeling better. Yesterday however, I lost the war against chocolate. A combination of things contributed to the defeat and I ate it as if my very life depended on it. I'll admit, it was tasty and I regret nothing! The Mr and I went to the movies twice over the weekend and I passed on treats both times. In the past I would have had popcorn and then next day would have been uncomfortably puffy.
I've decided to modify my workouts too. I've decided I can't mentally/physically support two instructors at the gym who are struggling to find their way in classes. With that decision I've had to modify. I'll be cutting out three classes for now and moving forward with walking outside. Today I registered for a 5K and have plans to participate in at least three, if not four races this year. With that, I have to put in time on the streets so my body gets used to the feel again. Dropping the classes will allow me to do this.
Saturday I attended a new class at the gym, Dance Fusion Ballet.
The class is a total body workout.
It's a good class for beginners.
They brought in a professional dance instructor.
The not so good:
The Saturday class is 90-minutes long and happens at lunch time.
The instructor is used to working with dancers - he shows you a routine and then steps back and says, "okay, now you go." It doesn't work that way in a gym sweetie! *SHRUGS*
It has a potential but this girl won't attend again. There are two reasons for that: 1) I felt slighted at the end by the instructor and 2) I was starved at the end after having walked to the gym, danced my way through a 60-minute Zumba class and then participated in a 90-minute dance class. It's just too much for me. I'm happy to have experienced it though and I'll encourage other gym mates to give it a try.
Monday, February 06, 2012
I'm going into my *GASP* fourth year on this magical plateau and I have learned a lot about me. I'd like to tell myself and the world that I'm okay with the weight I'm at but you know what - I AM NOT. I'm not okay with it. And, it's not JUST a number on the scale/tape measure. It's real and the world is dictated by it. The truth is, I'm mad and I'm bitter about the numbers. At the same time, I won't quit fighting for the health I want and deserve.
What in heavens name brought on this lil baby girl fit this morning? Oh yea, I had an unexpected weigh-in this morning. I'll tell you what I tell the Mr when he asks (lovingly) what the scale said. It simply says, "STILL FAT." No that's not harsh folks, it's the plain simple truth and sometimes it's ugly. I don't shy away from it anymore - I acknowledge it and then try to better it. I need no sugar to swallow this bitter pill of truth - I am in fact still fat. Healthier but still fat.
You might ask, why I weighed myself this morning when I vowed only to weigh myself once a month. I did that due to starting a new adventure in foods. I'm going to try to cut out most sugar from my diet and leave behind most of the carb's I take in. I don't really need that 1/2 cup of brown rice or tortilla or slice of tapioca bread ... I just like it. Carbs are fun to eat and a real treat but my body processes them poorly. I can get healthier carbs and fiber in much of my beloved veggies so why not move further away from processed carbs to more natural ones? I know ... smart thinking! This brought on the unscheduled weigh-in - I wanted a fresh number to record, if only in my mind, for my lasted adventures in food.
Now for the real reason I'm blogging today . . .
The Mr and I found rooms at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas at a deeply discounted rate that also included meal vouchers and money to gamble - I love groupon.com. In a moment of weakness, I shrugged and said we should go. Flying with Southwest from Northern Cali is *CHOKE* almost affordable so we booked it. We leave the later part of March for two night stay. The Mr hasn't been to Vegas and it's a destination within his top five places to visit. I've been twice - I'm never really that impressed but I'll take one for the team and go again. Besides, going with the Mr to new places is an amazing experience. The joy and excitement that radiates off of him is unbelievable.
This isn't even the fantastic news I was going to mention, just the story that leads up to it.
Without asking the Mr, I know he's going to want to go to the nightclubs in Vegas. Plus, we are staying at the Hard Rock - hello, can you say party?! Knowing this I enlisted my bestie to go shopping with me yesterday to find something amazing to wear. My current wardrobe does not scream nightlife in Vegas. It really screams, gym time, work or big comfy couch. *GIGGLES* I want to look amazing when I'm in the nightclubs!
Mid-morning my bestie and I took off for a day of power shopping. I had no expectations for the day due to no longer knowing my size in clothing or shoes for that matter. What I found, photo's will come later, is this:
1) A short soft leather jacket - ON SALE for a ridiculous price.
2) Three amazing "sparkly" shirts - ON SALE.
3) A pair of black pants appropriate for nightlife AND the office - BONUS!
4) An unbelievable black dress - ON SALE.
5) Two belts that can dress up or dress down the black dress - BOTH ON CLEARANCE.
6) A t-shirt - I know this one isn't very exciting but it fit beautifully & is unlike anything I currently have - also ON CLEARANCE.
I came away with multiple outfits that will work for the nightlife in Vegas and make me feel and look like a million bucks! I felt beautiful and sexy. And, my bank book didn't feel abused either.
The day was not without its frustrations. We had to HUNT and FIND the deals and fashionable clothes I got. I'm not sure who is designing for women with curves but I can tell you it's not a woman with curves. *SAD FACE* Plus, what's with putting the "women's" aka plus size clothing either on the top floor or in basement in a corner? I've always wondered this? Why must we be shoved into a corner and given two racks in each store to pick from?
The tops I purchased yesterday were a mix between XL and XXL. The pants I tried on and then bought were size 16 and/or 18. I was thrilled and amazed. I realize there is some vanity sizing with this but I don't really care. I was happy to be trying on the 16's and/or 18's all day long. I have a hard time finding pants that fit me well - always have - so I was thrilled to find the ones I bought.
Here's another perplexing moment/question of the day. . . even with vanity sizing by the clothing industry (which really have no clue about real woman) how is it that I can be the same weight and be in smaller clothes? Even my bestie was amazed at how I looked when I dressed in my current size. It is a mind tweak when I think about the numbers - I'm the same blessed weight as I was almost four years ago but my pant size has went from a 22 to a 16 or 18. A HUGE difference. Maybe, just maybe, Doc was on to something - I'm building lean muscle, which weighs more than fat.
Anyway. I'm excited about dressing me and acting like I'm a plus sized super model. I'm excited about finding my beauty and letting is shine. Next task, finding shoes that make me want to walk the runway.
Cheer's to new adventures in fashion and food.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Yesterday was a rough day for me - from beginning to the end. It seemed all day I was batting away negative trying to replace it with positive. In the end it was exhausting.
With a slight head throb I left the office for the gym. As I walked the streets to get there I hoped and prayed that the evening would pan out better than the day. Admittedly I was going in with a bad attitude but willing to turn it all around by getting sweaty and sticky. A good workout was all I needed so I was committed to the long haul; Zumba, Pilates and Boxing.
What I got instead was not good enough. Our regular Wednesday night instructor left a few weeks ago - she is missed. Her replacement lacks confidence and passion and it shows. She's timid. I make it a practice to support *newbies* at the gym and often times improvements come about quickly and they start to thrive. Last nights instructor has been at our gym for almost a year, instructing on Thursday nights. She has not improved.
By the end of her class I was so angry and put-off that I physically had to leave the gym. I couldn't speak or look at anyone. I packed my gym bag and walked. I went next door to have a bite to eat thinking I'd cool off there and then head back for boxing after. In the end, I couldn't return.
One would think having a bit of edge for boxing would be a good thing. Most of the time it is but last night I was beyond return. I was so far out of my box that I would have hurt myself or my partner due to being so distracted by my rage. I went for a walk outside instead.
Sadly, this same instructor has been given two time slots at the gym - Wednesday and Thursday nights. *SIGH* The attendance last night was at an all time low - 12 members. The other Zumba instructors pull in at least 30 to 40 a night. A vast difference.
So, where's the positive in all of this. I searched my head and heart looking for it for many hours. In the end it is this, I've given myself permission to drop her two classes. I've let go. It will be awkward and uncomfortable but that's better than a poke in the eye. I won't settle, not when it comes to my health and wellness journey.
A dance fusion ballet class is coming soon to the gym. It will be on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I'm thinking about attending the Saturday morning class that comes after Zumba. I'll be able to do that now that things are changing at my Saturday afternoon job and I'm giving myself permission to let go of that too. I'm excited to check it all out. The assistant to the class is a trained dancer, moves beautifully and has a positive energy. I see good things happening. The ballet part gives me pause but I'm game to try it out.
I'm letting go of the old to make way for the new.
EDIT: I just spoke, at length, with my boxing partner about last night. She also takes the Zumba class and knew I was upset when the class was finished. She is a kite surfer and in preparation for the season she is increasing her weight lifting. We have decided to lift weights on Wednesday nights in place of Zumba. I'm thrilled with the option and much needed ST. I'm also a realist - she has been know to flake on me - so I'll need to understand our ST program so I can go it alone when she skips out.
I feel good about my new prospects!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Last week, after a day of feeling and looking frumpy I ripped through my closet with lighting speed dumping on the floor any piece of clothing that didn't feel right and/or look good. I equally attacked my collection of shoes. I was DONE feeling frumpy and having my feet hurt!
What's the point of this journey if I'm only going to hide behind baggy clothing? What IS the point?
One of my goals for 2012 is to get rid of clutter. My closet had become cluttered with what didn't work anymore. After the clean out my morning anxiety has all but disappeared. The clothes that are left fit and fit properly so I no longer have to take extra time trying to find something to wear. They make me happy and I have embraced my curves once again. An added bonus, the Mr looks at me all dreamy eyed when he sees me all dressed up feeling fine.
I have since asked myself why I let it get out of hand for so long. The answer is two fold; 1) it's easy to do pretend and do nothing and 2) I was punishing myself.
Let me explain:
1) It's easy to do nothing, to pretend there isn't a problem. It's easy to pretend that I have lots of clothes and everything is fine. HA! The lack of action was actually costing me more time and anxiety in the end. I never did have the an expansive wardrobe and it's even tinier now but it's a good quality one.
2) Yes, I figured out that I've been punishing myself for the lack of weight loss. I'm going into my fourth year on the same plateau and it's bringing me down. I fight HARD every day of my life to sustain the weight I am now, the weight I have been for four years and I can't shake a pound loose to save my own spirit. Deep inside I haven't even given myself credit for all the hard work I've been doing - 12+/hrs in the gym a week, walking instead of driving, exploring wellness plans with Doc and eating healthier. I began punishing myself for not getting the scale to move downward. It even bled over into my work atmosphere. I'd dress the part but I'd leave my walking shoes on instead of changing into my *fancy* shoes. That's an okay look if I'm walking for long distances but it does nothing for my office look. I wouldn't really care if I was frumpy - after all I was the fat chick in the office. SQUASH THAT!
Since the clean-out I've started playing dress-up! When I get up in the morning all I have to decide is if I'm wearing a skirt, pants or a dress and in what color. Shoes, a snap - pick flats or something with height and walk on. An added bonus: There was one day last week that the Mr gave me a double take and then asked, "Is that outfit new?" Ya, no - it came out of my closet. SNAP! Don't get me wrong, I still wear my walking shoes to and from work but upon arriving at work I immediately change into my *fancy* shoes. I love my three inch heels and they make me feel lovely and tall. They also make my legs look fantastic!
I got rid of the old. I let go. I made room for what was to come. My reward - a new outlook. Less punishment. A polished wardrobe that I didn't have to buy. A feeling of accomplishment. Positive energy that replaced the negative.
I made room for me to celebrate who I am and the curves I have.
Ya, I play dress-up everyday and I like it.
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