Monday, February 06, 2012
I'm going into my *GASP* fourth year on this magical plateau and I have learned a lot about me. I'd like to tell myself and the world that I'm okay with the weight I'm at but you know what - I AM NOT. I'm not okay with it. And, it's not JUST a number on the scale/tape measure. It's real and the world is dictated by it. The truth is, I'm mad and I'm bitter about the numbers. At the same time, I won't quit fighting for the health I want and deserve.
What in heavens name brought on this lil baby girl fit this morning? Oh yea, I had an unexpected weigh-in this morning. I'll tell you what I tell the Mr when he asks (lovingly) what the scale said. It simply says, "STILL FAT." No that's not harsh folks, it's the plain simple truth and sometimes it's ugly. I don't shy away from it anymore - I acknowledge it and then try to better it. I need no sugar to swallow this bitter pill of truth - I am in fact still fat. Healthier but still fat.
You might ask, why I weighed myself this morning when I vowed only to weigh myself once a month. I did that due to starting a new adventure in foods. I'm going to try to cut out most sugar from my diet and leave behind most of the carb's I take in. I don't really need that 1/2 cup of brown rice or tortilla or slice of tapioca bread ... I just like it. Carbs are fun to eat and a real treat but my body processes them poorly. I can get healthier carbs and fiber in much of my beloved veggies so why not move further away from processed carbs to more natural ones? I know ... smart thinking! This brought on the unscheduled weigh-in - I wanted a fresh number to record, if only in my mind, for my lasted adventures in food.
Now for the real reason I'm blogging today . . .
The Mr and I found rooms at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas at a deeply discounted rate that also included meal vouchers and money to gamble - I love groupon.com. In a moment of weakness, I shrugged and said we should go. Flying with Southwest from Northern Cali is *CHOKE* almost affordable so we booked it. We leave the later part of March for two night stay. The Mr hasn't been to Vegas and it's a destination within his top five places to visit. I've been twice - I'm never really that impressed but I'll take one for the team and go again. Besides, going with the Mr to new places is an amazing experience. The joy and excitement that radiates off of him is unbelievable.
This isn't even the fantastic news I was going to mention, just the story that leads up to it.
Without asking the Mr, I know he's going to want to go to the nightclubs in Vegas. Plus, we are staying at the Hard Rock - hello, can you say party?! Knowing this I enlisted my bestie to go shopping with me yesterday to find something amazing to wear. My current wardrobe does not scream nightlife in Vegas. It really screams, gym time, work or big comfy couch. *GIGGLES* I want to look amazing when I'm in the nightclubs!
Mid-morning my bestie and I took off for a day of power shopping. I had no expectations for the day due to no longer knowing my size in clothing or shoes for that matter. What I found, photo's will come later, is this:
1) A short soft leather jacket - ON SALE for a ridiculous price.
2) Three amazing "sparkly" shirts - ON SALE.
3) A pair of black pants appropriate for nightlife AND the office - BONUS!
4) An unbelievable black dress - ON SALE.
5) Two belts that can dress up or dress down the black dress - BOTH ON CLEARANCE.
6) A t-shirt - I know this one isn't very exciting but it fit beautifully & is unlike anything I currently have - also ON CLEARANCE.
I came away with multiple outfits that will work for the nightlife in Vegas and make me feel and look like a million bucks! I felt beautiful and sexy. And, my bank book didn't feel abused either.
The day was not without its frustrations. We had to HUNT and FIND the deals and fashionable clothes I got. I'm not sure who is designing for women with curves but I can tell you it's not a woman with curves. *SAD FACE* Plus, what's with putting the "women's" aka plus size clothing either on the top floor or in basement in a corner? I've always wondered this? Why must we be shoved into a corner and given two racks in each store to pick from?
The tops I purchased yesterday were a mix between XL and XXL. The pants I tried on and then bought were size 16 and/or 18. I was thrilled and amazed. I realize there is some vanity sizing with this but I don't really care. I was happy to be trying on the 16's and/or 18's all day long. I have a hard time finding pants that fit me well - always have - so I was thrilled to find the ones I bought.
Here's another perplexing moment/question of the day. . . even with vanity sizing by the clothing industry (which really have no clue about real woman) how is it that I can be the same weight and be in smaller clothes? Even my bestie was amazed at how I looked when I dressed in my current size. It is a mind tweak when I think about the numbers - I'm the same blessed weight as I was almost four years ago but my pant size has went from a 22 to a 16 or 18. A HUGE difference. Maybe, just maybe, Doc was on to something - I'm building lean muscle, which weighs more than fat.
Anyway. I'm excited about dressing me and acting like I'm a plus sized super model. I'm excited about finding my beauty and letting is shine. Next task, finding shoes that make me want to walk the runway.
Cheer's to new adventures in fashion and food.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Yesterday was a rough day for me - from beginning to the end. It seemed all day I was batting away negative trying to replace it with positive. In the end it was exhausting.
With a slight head throb I left the office for the gym. As I walked the streets to get there I hoped and prayed that the evening would pan out better than the day. Admittedly I was going in with a bad attitude but willing to turn it all around by getting sweaty and sticky. A good workout was all I needed so I was committed to the long haul; Zumba, Pilates and Boxing.
What I got instead was not good enough. Our regular Wednesday night instructor left a few weeks ago - she is missed. Her replacement lacks confidence and passion and it shows. She's timid. I make it a practice to support *newbies* at the gym and often times improvements come about quickly and they start to thrive. Last nights instructor has been at our gym for almost a year, instructing on Thursday nights. She has not improved.
By the end of her class I was so angry and put-off that I physically had to leave the gym. I couldn't speak or look at anyone. I packed my gym bag and walked. I went next door to have a bite to eat thinking I'd cool off there and then head back for boxing after. In the end, I couldn't return.
One would think having a bit of edge for boxing would be a good thing. Most of the time it is but last night I was beyond return. I was so far out of my box that I would have hurt myself or my partner due to being so distracted by my rage. I went for a walk outside instead.
Sadly, this same instructor has been given two time slots at the gym - Wednesday and Thursday nights. *SIGH* The attendance last night was at an all time low - 12 members. The other Zumba instructors pull in at least 30 to 40 a night. A vast difference.
So, where's the positive in all of this. I searched my head and heart looking for it for many hours. In the end it is this, I've given myself permission to drop her two classes. I've let go. It will be awkward and uncomfortable but that's better than a poke in the eye. I won't settle, not when it comes to my health and wellness journey.
A dance fusion ballet class is coming soon to the gym. It will be on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I'm thinking about attending the Saturday morning class that comes after Zumba. I'll be able to do that now that things are changing at my Saturday afternoon job and I'm giving myself permission to let go of that too. I'm excited to check it all out. The assistant to the class is a trained dancer, moves beautifully and has a positive energy. I see good things happening. The ballet part gives me pause but I'm game to try it out.
I'm letting go of the old to make way for the new.
EDIT: I just spoke, at length, with my boxing partner about last night. She also takes the Zumba class and knew I was upset when the class was finished. She is a kite surfer and in preparation for the season she is increasing her weight lifting. We have decided to lift weights on Wednesday nights in place of Zumba. I'm thrilled with the option and much needed ST. I'm also a realist - she has been know to flake on me - so I'll need to understand our ST program so I can go it alone when she skips out.
I feel good about my new prospects!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Last week, after a day of feeling and looking frumpy I ripped through my closet with lighting speed dumping on the floor any piece of clothing that didn't feel right and/or look good. I equally attacked my collection of shoes. I was DONE feeling frumpy and having my feet hurt!
What's the point of this journey if I'm only going to hide behind baggy clothing? What IS the point?
One of my goals for 2012 is to get rid of clutter. My closet had become cluttered with what didn't work anymore. After the clean out my morning anxiety has all but disappeared. The clothes that are left fit and fit properly so I no longer have to take extra time trying to find something to wear. They make me happy and I have embraced my curves once again. An added bonus, the Mr looks at me all dreamy eyed when he sees me all dressed up feeling fine.
I have since asked myself why I let it get out of hand for so long. The answer is two fold; 1) it's easy to do pretend and do nothing and 2) I was punishing myself.
Let me explain:
1) It's easy to do nothing, to pretend there isn't a problem. It's easy to pretend that I have lots of clothes and everything is fine. HA! The lack of action was actually costing me more time and anxiety in the end. I never did have the an expansive wardrobe and it's even tinier now but it's a good quality one.
2) Yes, I figured out that I've been punishing myself for the lack of weight loss. I'm going into my fourth year on the same plateau and it's bringing me down. I fight HARD every day of my life to sustain the weight I am now, the weight I have been for four years and I can't shake a pound loose to save my own spirit. Deep inside I haven't even given myself credit for all the hard work I've been doing - 12+/hrs in the gym a week, walking instead of driving, exploring wellness plans with Doc and eating healthier. I began punishing myself for not getting the scale to move downward. It even bled over into my work atmosphere. I'd dress the part but I'd leave my walking shoes on instead of changing into my *fancy* shoes. That's an okay look if I'm walking for long distances but it does nothing for my office look. I wouldn't really care if I was frumpy - after all I was the fat chick in the office. SQUASH THAT!
Since the clean-out I've started playing dress-up! When I get up in the morning all I have to decide is if I'm wearing a skirt, pants or a dress and in what color. Shoes, a snap - pick flats or something with height and walk on. An added bonus: There was one day last week that the Mr gave me a double take and then asked, "Is that outfit new?" Ya, no - it came out of my closet. SNAP! Don't get me wrong, I still wear my walking shoes to and from work but upon arriving at work I immediately change into my *fancy* shoes. I love my three inch heels and they make me feel lovely and tall. They also make my legs look fantastic!
I got rid of the old. I let go. I made room for what was to come. My reward - a new outlook. Less punishment. A polished wardrobe that I didn't have to buy. A feeling of accomplishment. Positive energy that replaced the negative.
I made room for me to celebrate who I am and the curves I have.
Ya, I play dress-up everyday and I like it.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The test results from my most resent functional adrenal test came in today. As soon as I got the email I scheduled a phone consult with Doc. We just finished.
My cortisol levels are now registering normal when I wake in the morning. My previous test showed my cortisol was HIGH. This means things have improved.
My cortisol levels at noon stayed the same as the last time. They were normal then which means they are normal now.
My cortisol levels in the afternoon dropped below normal. Last time they were normal.
My cortisol levels at night are extremely high. Doc was initially concerned until he found out my workout schedule. I took the test on a night I have a marathon session at the gym (4 hours). He was shocked at my schedule but did not want me to change anything if I enjoyed the *rush*. (More on this to come)
My DHEA levels dropped from a 2.3 to 1.13 - he didn't like that much.
The results were a mixture of good and not so good. *PALM/FOREHEAD*
My test results show that I have a high stress life. (IMAGING THAT) He asked if life in general was stressful. I chuckled. Really Doc? I work in two law firms, I had a 10% reduction in pay, I'm married, my cat died and I'm fat. Ya, life is a little stressful. It was his turn to chuckle.
He asked what I was doing to combat my stress. Aww, a question I can answer. I told him about my goals for 2012 as far as getting rid of clutter, negative energy and weighing myself once a month, instead of once a week and that I've taken up yoga. He was loving every bit of it and equally loved that I have already started to implement my plan.
We both agreed that using my *skinny* jeans as a marker for weight gain or loss might be mentally healthier than stepping on a scale. I'll freshly launder those bad boys before I slip them on and see how I feel and take note.
He also noted that I could be looking thinner due to building lien muscle which is denser and heavier. If that's the case, my fat cells are shrinking. YA!
He was impressed with my workout schedule and intensity. Again, he said if I love it go for it. I asked him what, if anything, I could about the high levels of cortisol in the evenings after my workouts. Amazingly there is a simple solution that is totally doable. For five minutes a night I should go into childs pose making sure my forehead is touching something - I can not move for that five minutes. This will effectively shut down the production of cortisol. I love this solution!!! Not only will it shut down the production of cortisol but it will allow me to relax prior to going to bed. I can already envision this happening - me + yoga mat, a dimly lit room, me in childs pose and soft music playing - five minutes of nothing but peace.
I'm going back on a modified supplement regimen to support my adrenals. I had three options; 1) do nothing, 2) take drops, 3) go for a full blown regimen of pills and drops. #1 was not an option for me. #3 was just too intense and costly. I'm trying to simplify not maximize. #2 just seemed right. Moving forward!!
As always he invited me to send up flares, smoke signals, phone calls or emails if things went to hell in a hand basket. Otherwise, we'll touch base again in six months.
I feel positive.
I like the simple approach.
I'm keeping is simple and taking control.
Monday, January 16, 2012
This morning I grabbed a pair of dress pants for work, slid them on and then looked in the mirror. What I saw in the mirror made me instantly grumpy. I took them off, threw them down and stomped on them. TAKE THAT!
In three years I've lost ZERO pounds AND ZERO inches. The reality of that equally makes me grumpy. It's not for lack of trying and running myself into the ground either. I workout for a minimum of 12 hours a week. AND, I'm not talking about the barely-break-a-sweat kind of workouts either. My workouts have been proven to send other grown folks exiting the gym shaking their heads asking why anyone would want to endure such a workout. My body craves the workout and I give it all I got, even if my feet are screaming to stop.
I digress, back to this mornings events of displeasure. So, I slid the pants on and notice, or rather - finally admit they are ill fitting. Even with the lack of movement on the scale and/or tape measure my body has changed shape. Things have shifted - often giving the illusion that I've lost weight or inches - and things just don't fit the same. Some things fit better than they did while others just look ridiculous. Today I found the ridiculous staring back at me. BOO! I tried to look past it but couldn't so I ripped them off and stomped on them.
I've been quiet today and my boss has noticed, only because it makes him nervous when I get quiet (he has a irrational fear that I'm going to up and quit on him). How do you explain to someone that you found your grumpy pants today and decided to stomp on them instead of settling to wear them and be uncomfortable all day. Ya, you don't. So I didn't. I figure he can put on his big boy pants and deal with the quiet side of me while I self reflect.
The Mr commented today that I've seemed angry for the last few weeks. HUH?! Me angry, more disappointed and feeling like I have a split personality really. Still, how do you explain to the one that loves you for who you are and what you look like that you just can't bare to wear the grumpy pants anymore acting like every.thing.in.the.world.is.fine when it really isn't? Ya, it's hard to find the words so he'll get it. I tried. I got the blank stare and all too familiar - "babe you look fine" feedback. Ya, thanks - love you too, but I'm darn tired of being as fat as I am and working hard to change it only to have the world spin in the other direction so that my hard work is suddenly undone. I'm not angry, I'm tired.
I anticipate within a week I'll be setting up a consultation with Doc to review my latest saliva test. I might actually loose my mind if he tells me my body needs more time to recover from the past. I just might scream into the phone like a wild animal caught in a trap because I find myself feeling hopeless and trapped at this time in my journey.
Follow the rules and good things will happen - HA! - not so much. Eat well, drink your water and workout and you'll loose weight - HA! - not so much. Track your food, track your water and put in your fitness minutes and you'll loose weight - HA! - not so much.
I decided in a fit of aggression that I can no longer "wait" to buy a few new pairs of pants. I must make it a priority to search out pants that hug my curves and make me feel as beautiful as I am. I can no longer endure the baggy, saggy, tuck and pull pants I have now. I will no longer wait to buy until I've dropped a few pounds - that doesn't seem a reality at this point. Buy for who I am now, not for who I want or strive to be!
My wellness journey sure isn't full of unicorns and rainbows. I need to find a few of them though so I can move forward instead of sideways.
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