Monday, January 16, 2012
This morning I grabbed a pair of dress pants for work, slid them on and then looked in the mirror. What I saw in the mirror made me instantly grumpy. I took them off, threw them down and stomped on them. TAKE THAT!
In three years I've lost ZERO pounds AND ZERO inches. The reality of that equally makes me grumpy. It's not for lack of trying and running myself into the ground either. I workout for a minimum of 12 hours a week. AND, I'm not talking about the barely-break-a-sweat kind of workouts either. My workouts have been proven to send other grown folks exiting the gym shaking their heads asking why anyone would want to endure such a workout. My body craves the workout and I give it all I got, even if my feet are screaming to stop.
I digress, back to this mornings events of displeasure. So, I slid the pants on and notice, or rather - finally admit they are ill fitting. Even with the lack of movement on the scale and/or tape measure my body has changed shape. Things have shifted - often giving the illusion that I've lost weight or inches - and things just don't fit the same. Some things fit better than they did while others just look ridiculous. Today I found the ridiculous staring back at me. BOO! I tried to look past it but couldn't so I ripped them off and stomped on them.
I've been quiet today and my boss has noticed, only because it makes him nervous when I get quiet (he has a irrational fear that I'm going to up and quit on him). How do you explain to someone that you found your grumpy pants today and decided to stomp on them instead of settling to wear them and be uncomfortable all day. Ya, you don't. So I didn't. I figure he can put on his big boy pants and deal with the quiet side of me while I self reflect.
The Mr commented today that I've seemed angry for the last few weeks. HUH?! Me angry, more disappointed and feeling like I have a split personality really. Still, how do you explain to the one that loves you for who you are and what you look like that you just can't bare to wear the grumpy pants anymore acting like every.thing.in.the.world.is.fine when it really isn't? Ya, it's hard to find the words so he'll get it. I tried. I got the blank stare and all too familiar - "babe you look fine" feedback. Ya, thanks - love you too, but I'm darn tired of being as fat as I am and working hard to change it only to have the world spin in the other direction so that my hard work is suddenly undone. I'm not angry, I'm tired.
I anticipate within a week I'll be setting up a consultation with Doc to review my latest saliva test. I might actually loose my mind if he tells me my body needs more time to recover from the past. I just might scream into the phone like a wild animal caught in a trap because I find myself feeling hopeless and trapped at this time in my journey.
Follow the rules and good things will happen - HA! - not so much. Eat well, drink your water and workout and you'll loose weight - HA! - not so much. Track your food, track your water and put in your fitness minutes and you'll loose weight - HA! - not so much.
I decided in a fit of aggression that I can no longer "wait" to buy a few new pairs of pants. I must make it a priority to search out pants that hug my curves and make me feel as beautiful as I am. I can no longer endure the baggy, saggy, tuck and pull pants I have now. I will no longer wait to buy until I've dropped a few pounds - that doesn't seem a reality at this point. Buy for who I am now, not for who I want or strive to be!
My wellness journey sure isn't full of unicorns and rainbows. I need to find a few of them though so I can move forward instead of sideways.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
This was my post on FB on Wednesday Morning:
I love how yoga calms your mind, *gently* stretches your muscles and even challenges you in the moment. Then you wake up the next morning only to realize what it was really doing . . . silently kicking you ass! Thanks yoga.
It still amazes me how much yoga can/will do for the body. While I'm in class I'm all rainbows and unicorns and I wonder as I'm leaving why I'm really there because I don't really break a sweat, unless I'm wearing my heavier sweatshirt - which I do because the yoga studio is C.O.L.D. Then I wake up the next morning and I'm reminded why I go and love it. Ya, yoga kicks your butt.
I went into this weeks season wondering why we don't work on our upper body strength. It seems we concentrate a lot on core (good) and lower body (equally good) but I want to build up my arms and upper back too. Seems the instructor has a small window to peak into my mind - I never knew and will be more careful about what I think about next time! We worked our upper body, core and did lots of stretching (I love, love, love the stretching).
When I got up on Wednesday I felt the all to familiar sore muscles. As the day progressed I felt the *sore* set in and by the time I reached the gym that night my arms, chest and back were on fire. Okay, not on fire but sore and in need of a warmup and more stretching. I think I cringed for the first 20 minutes of Zumba. HA!
Cupcakes are the evil little bits of round cake with yummy frosting to dress them up. I like a good cupcake. Well, let's be honest, I like cake too. Since my sparing partner was determined (that word doesn't even begin to describe her enthusiasms) to bring a cake to boxing last night because it was our trainers birthday in the end I persuaded her to bring cupcakes. Let's face it, unless they are made for a giant (some are) they are portion controlled and easy to carry. The cupcakes she brought were made for a baby giant and everyone was happy to have just one.
I took mine to go thinking I would eat dinner and then have it for dessert. Ends up it was my dinner. Don't judge - it happens! :) The cupcake was good, not outstanding like I thought a $5 cupcake should taste (yes she paid that much per cupcake) but the frosting was dangerous. I'm glad they don't sell it by the bag full with a spoon to go - I'd be in trouble! The world didn't end because I ate a cupcake for dinner last night and I didn't gain 5 lbs either. Upon waking up this morning I didn't have any cravings for more of said cupcakes or want to eat my way through a large tub of frosting. I'll consider it a win, win.
Yoga, yes please!
Cupcakes, I've had my fill of you!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Setting a goal to log 18,000 fitness was HUGE and it leaves little wiggle room for injury, laziness and any other bump in the road that might come along. Ya, I didn't factor that in when I set this one up but there are no take backs so I'm pushing forward - WITH A HEEL BRUISE.
I'll freely admit here that I'm a little obsessed with my workouts. I think it was the discovery of boxing last year that propelled me around the corner. All my other workouts just help prepare me not to collapse in boxing so I HAVE to go. HA!
The new yoga studio I go to is also running a close second on my list of favorites not only for the fantastic physical workouts but also for the mental ones too.
Monday and Wednesday nights are my long nights at the gym. I'm in the door by 6:00 and I leave to walk home (.75 miles) by 9:50. I attend three classes. Last night was no different, it was Monday. What I didn't expect was the blinding white pain that coursed through my body between zumba and pilates.
I made it through Zumba along with the other 60 people in the cramped little space - the newbies at the gym are out in full force! When I sat down to prepare for pilates class I decided to ease the tightness in my heel by giving it a bit of a massage. When I gently squeezed the heel I went ghost like and tried not to scream out like the girl I am as the blinding white pain flooded me. It was only temporary and the heel felt much better after the massage was over. I was a bit out of breath however. I welcomed the floor workout (my abs did not) for an hour -- NO IMPACT!
When it was time for boxing I excused myself from jumping rope knowing that was a recipe for disaster. I mean, I'm all for pushing through but I'm not crazy! I used the elliptical until it was time to stretch. Luck was not on my side last night as most of boxing ended up being kicks - not only on the heavy bag but on the floor as well. I did what I could for as long as could but had to cut the heavy bag portion in half (BOO!). Migel was my partner last night and he knew I had some discomfort so checked in with me frequently. Floor work was cut by 10 minutes due to my regular sparing partner nearly passing out and vomiting due to our intensity last night. Of course it didn't help that all she had in the afternoon prior to coming to the gym was a bowl of rice w/ mushrooms. SILLY WOMAN! That didn't mean class was over though. What we missed on the floor was made up with AB WORK! We did total of 150 crunches in four different positions. Ya, my abs just LOVED me.
The walk home was less than speedy but I made it without calling the Mr to pick me.
Amazingly enough, today my heel doesn't feel too bad. I'll ice it before I go to yoga tonight (I keep ice packs in the office freezer) and then again when I get home tonight.
For anyone reading this, my research has found that heel bruises can take many weeks to heal. Weeks I won't sit on the sideline - fitness goal or not. I've made adjustments to my shoes and I hold back when I need too. Further research shows, there isn't much if anything a doctor can do for this so why bother going unless I want to give away my money. (I'll keep it thanks!)
I'm thinking of treating/rewarding myself this weekend to a foot massage.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Today I cleaned the house in the morning and walked for hours with the Mr as we ticked off items on our to-do list. It was an exhausting day! However, I had to prep the veggies for the week so I wouldn't have an excuse to not cook healthy as time passed this week. I have a full schedule at the office(s) and the gym so I had to prepare. I cut up the veggies and arranged the cabinets to ease my hectic life. I'm all set!
On a separate note: I've self diagnosed my latest foot pain - a bruised heel. Can you just imagine the discomfort? It's immense yet I push on. I do what I can when I'm not on it and I push forward when I am.
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