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Unwelcome & Unexpected Insecurity (Part 1)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My first triumph yesterday was beating back fatigue by fighting it with exercise. It is true that I was tired when I left the office but it was more mental then physical.

Zumba class was electric!

After class I wasn't much in the mood to spend the next hour on a machine so my second triumph of the night was to pamper myself by going to the sauna. Being wrapped in the heat was glorious.

Boxing started with only two of us in class. I noticed right off that my skills at jumping rope had improved. [FIST PUMP] It's still not an activity I enjoy [SHOCKING] but noticing an improvement in my skills and ability certainly helped pass the time. The class grew in size as time passed - one newbie (a weight lifter) and a regular (not a veteran).

As I said in a status update not long ago I am thinking about breaking up with my sparing partner. She tries to "help" too much which actually hinders my growth in class. Even the instructor scolds her for trying to make it "easier." I don't need easy, I need to be challenged! That being said, I was asked to work with the regular last night and things went okay. The regular has a friend who generally comes to class with her and they fit well together - they tend to giggle a lot, take many breaks, use their cell phones [GASP], and aren't very attentive. No, I didn't enjoy working with her and I'm quit sure she didn't enjoy my militant attitude - I mean, she nearly fell on the floor when she became overheated. OOPS, my bad - "do you need a break?" Seriously, I wasn't trying to be all mean or anything but if you come to workout, workout! If you need a minute to recover, speak up already! There's no shame in asking for a water break or a "let me catch my breath" moment!! We both were happy when the kicking portion of class was over.

As we started our combinations on the heavy bags [JUMPS FOR JOY] in walks the regulars friend all fresh as a daisy. She stands all innocent like twirling her hair [EYE ROLL] and finally put on a pair of gloves. Without fail she joins her friend, and me, on the heavy bag (we have two heavy bags - my sparing partner & the weightlifter are working on the other) and apparently she really doesn't care all that much about her foot work because she blatantly dismisses the instructions given.

THEN IT HAPPENS . . .

I feel the pangs of insecurity crash into me. I felt small, yet as large as a baby elephant. (Which are terribly cute in my opinion) I checked myself out in the mirror and quickly found every flaw there was to see in my stomach and legs. Yes, the same legs that carried me 6.2 miles during my race on Saturday morning! What brought it on? The regular and her friend "hid" behind the heavy bag whispering. Clearly a trigger of mine. I don't know what they were whispering about and I tried to ignore it. [SIGH]

THEN IT HAPPENED . . .

I got mad. Smoke coming out of my ears - seeing red mad. I wanted to snap both of those girls in two. A sad, but accurate, mental overreaction. What I did instead was smile at each of them and then stepped up to the bag. As luck would have it, we were working on power punches and my power exploded. On any given day my power punches are fierce. However, after I mentally lost it my power punches were explosive. It's customary for another person to hold the heavy bag while another punches. Needless to say, the regular was not ready for my first blow. She staggered backwards with the bag and barely found her footing. When she recovered I threw another punch. The instructor immediately noticed a change and came over. When I was finished with that set, he had me move to the other bag so he could hold while I completed my other two sets. Still I threw punches that even moved him and the bag! When I finished, I was out of breath, arms spent and a little less wounded but no less angry.

As I reflect on my evening, I understand that their actions were merely a trigger for me. In the past I've been known to channel insecure feelings while amongst the masses and I will often shun them, allowing myself to feel nothing. Last night I allowed myself to process, assess and take appropriate action. My mind can be cruel in its own right and if I bow to its force when it turns negative I crumble inside and suddenly I'm a child that has been broken. I'm not sure where that all comes from and in truth, I've been aware of it for sometime.

In my discomfort last night I was able to open up my mind and find a path I'd long since forgotten. A path that will be uncomfortable to walk down but one I must explore. [SUDDEN TEARS SPRING TO MY EYES, I must be on to something to cause such a physical reaction]

Somewhere inside lives a chubby little girl who's afraid everyone is looking at her whispering. She's afraid they see her. She's afraid she'll never be what they want her to be. She is paralyzed.

END NOTE: As I typed that last paragraph a childhood memory flooded back to me. It's painful and now raw. Part II shall come soon. I must get the poison out so I may heal.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILD22 12/30/2011 3:29PM

    I love your insight into yourself. As much as it sometimes pains us we must address those old negative feelings and deal with them. Really look in the mirror and see the strong independent beautiful woman you have become!!

emoticon emoticon

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ENDUROVET 12/7/2011 4:29PM

    Yeah, ya gotta lance those nasty ol' abscesses honey...

(I gotta find myself a kickboxing class... It'd do me a world of good)

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TRENTDREAMER 11/20/2011 8:42AM

    "Somewhere inside lives a chubby little girl who's afraid everyone is looking at her whispering. She's afraid they see her. She's afraid she'll never be what they want her to be. She is paralyzed. "

* emoticon emoticon emoticon

It's weird how despite that we leave highschool......it never seems to go away.

While it's easy to say, "you're not alone", it never really feels that way.

You're very brave to share as you do.



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MANLEYSANDY 11/18/2011 12:11PM

    Bravo!!!

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ABB698 11/18/2011 12:52AM

    KT, you are fierce and fabulous! I know your path to self-discovery may have rough spots, but we will all rejoice when you can look in the mirror and see the beautiful powerhouse of a woman we all see. And you know what? I'd like to think those girls were whispering how small and powerless they felt compared to you! Take that!
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AIRPEACH 11/17/2011 6:20PM

    Thank you! I know I have memories like that, and it's great how you got through it.
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GREGSLUVBUNNY13 11/17/2011 4:11PM

    I wrote a blog about my moniker being fat. I have always been the fat sister, friend, daughter, etc. Yesterday, my own mom read one of my blogs, called me to say "Wow, I'm a moose now. I weight more than you"
Unfortunately we all encounter people like that. Even at this point, I still do. Like you said though, you have to clear yourself of the poison. People can only step on you if your laying down. You are a fighter! Keep going. You are doing amazing!!!

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BETTERJULIA 11/17/2011 4:09PM

    This is a beautiful blog of self discovery! Thank you for sharing with us! Boxing sounds like a WONDERFUL expression and way to exercise. Keep up your amazing work - you are worth it!

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JQUIBELL 11/17/2011 3:59PM

    Good for you!
It's all part of the process. Thankfully you were able to work through your feelings gracefully and next time it will be easier to recognize the trigger.
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I absolutely love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt and I think it's relevant ~ "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."
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Comment edited on: 11/17/2011 4:01:23 PM

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Check me out. I'm Rock'n The Mini!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

This is me at my starting point, eleven years ago! My wellness journey really is a life journey . . .



TODAY, I'm Rock'n the mini!






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KINSBAILE 12/8/2011 12:40PM

    You are GORGEOUS!

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MUSCLEADDICT32 11/17/2011 5:24AM

    Wowza!!! You look amazing!!! Way to go!!! emoticon

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ELSAG83 11/16/2011 8:44AM

    you look fantastic! great job =)

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TRENTDREAMER 11/14/2011 5:17PM

    Congrats on your progress :)

Continued success to you!

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ABB698 11/11/2011 12:56AM

    Go girl, you are rockin it!!! emoticon

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MAGGIENCALI 11/10/2011 10:06PM

    Sweeeeeeeeeet!!!

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ERIKO1908 11/10/2011 10:04PM

    Wooohoooo!! Keep up all your hard work!!

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MANLEYSANDY 11/10/2011 6:44PM

    Gorgeous!

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MICRAELIE 11/10/2011 3:47PM

    You go girl!!! You look fantastic, and I love your hair too. Keep on rockin'!

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AURORA2012 11/10/2011 1:16PM

    Awesome! emoticon

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I was Driven

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I made it to Zumba class with minutes to spare tonight. Class was amazing! I felt energized after and even the chronic knee pain was absent. I was flying high.

Then it happened, I crash landed. My energy drained when I was faced with the hour break between Zumba and boxing and nothing seemed appealing. Then my sparing partner announced she was skipping boxing. I just smiled at her and said, "of course you are." I was bitter.

In a fit of frustration I packed my bag and walked out of the gym. I acted like the little kid who got angry and picked up the ball and went home. Humph! I walked home and justified every reason not to return for the rest of night. I even told myself that it would be okay to skip and that I could just go to Zumba tomorrow night to "make up" for skipping a workout.

Looking for some validation I sent a text message to a friend. I didn't get what I was looking for. She gave me the "you can do it" feedback but I tossed it aside thinking, "HA! You wouldn't even workout with me tonight so what do you know!" Bitter much???

In a last ditch effort to settle in at home and put boxing behind me I set out to cook dinner. I got as far as cooking off three strips of bacon, ate them and then packed my bag and walked out the door.

Ten minutes later I was back in the gym gearing up for boxing. I worked harder and faster than I ever have. I sucked wind. I turned red. I almost blacked out. I was determined. I was driven!

As I walked home I reflected. I don't really know why I walked out and I don't really know why I walked back in. All I know is that I did and I'm healthier for it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINDYKD 11/16/2011 9:32PM

    What's a sparing partner?

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ABB698 11/11/2011 12:57AM

    KT, you are not just driven, you are a STEAM ROLLER woman! emoticon

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GHOSTGRL21 11/10/2011 1:59PM

    Sometimes we don't knwo why ..we just do :)

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MICRAELIE 11/10/2011 8:49AM

    Good for you, girl! It doesn't surprise me that you didn't give up -- I don't get the sense that giving up is one of your traits! LOL I think kicking ass is, however. Thanks again for inspiring me to JUST DO IT!

Best,
Michele

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Saying Good-Bye is Hard

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Last night we said good-bye to our Tucker Boy.
Rest in peace my friend. Rest in peace.
You're gone too soon and my heart weeps for you.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SGRAY478 11/10/2011 10:40AM

    So sorry for your loss. It is always hard to loose a beloved furry friend
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MANLEYSANDY 11/7/2011 12:21PM

    I am sorry... emoticon

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ABB698 11/7/2011 12:43AM

    Awww emoticonSo sorry for your loss, saying goodbye is hard. emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 11/6/2011 3:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

I am really sorry for your loss.

again, emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TANYAP71 11/6/2011 9:26AM

    So sorry to hear of your loss. Pets are so special, especially cats.

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TOTALFOCUS 11/6/2011 8:01AM

    Oh my...I am sooo sorry. May God comfort you and your family during this difficult time.

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ENDUROVET 11/5/2011 8:22PM

    Oh my - deepest sympathy, darling...
It's never easy to let 'em go.
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KT-NICHOLS-13 11/5/2011 2:58PM

    Thanks everyone. Tucker was loved by so many people in this world, he was one special boy! Our hearts are heavy today as we move forward in life missing him with each passing second. He left us too soon he went peacefully and with dignity. Hug your four legged babies today and cherish each moment you have with them.

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HDHAWK 11/5/2011 2:00PM

    I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose a pet.

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ERIKO1908 11/5/2011 12:45PM

    Sorry to read this. Hugs to you my friend!! Praying for you and your family...I know it isn't easy. I'm pretty sure the kitty is up in kitty heaven rolling in catnip and chasing mice. (Not like their life on earth is all that difficult, but it gets even better for them up there!!)

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MAGGIENCALI 11/5/2011 11:44AM

    I'm so sorry. May he rest in peace. emoticon

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I woke up full of awesome today!

Friday, November 04, 2011

For the past few weeks my energy level has been spiraling downward and my mood was jagged and harsh. Wednesday night during Zumba it occurred to me that I had entered into a slight depression. I wasn't all that surprised after all, for over a month now I have been dealing with life and death issues of our adorable four legged friends. During all this my awesome had disappeared. It was replaced by a fog of fatigue so bad that I'd sleep 8+ hours a night and still require two naps - one at lunch and one when I'd get home from the gym. It was shades of what I had been through before and I was more than a little concerned.

So what changed today? Let's review . . .

For multiple reasons, about three weeks I stopped taking the supplements prescribed by Doc. On Tuesday I placed an order to refill the ones I had run out of and they arrived on Wednesday. I immediately started back on my regimen. I also started a gentle detox of my liver. The detox is simply drinking one glass of warm water with lemon juice (half a lemon) 20 minutes prior to breakfast and again before I go to bed at night.

So two changes have occurred - 1) supplements again and 2) liver detox.
These two things alone have lifted the fog enough that I feel energetic again and life doesn't seem so unmanageable.

It's clear that my body is still trying to repair itself and that I must push on.

Are you full of awesome?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIKO1908 11/5/2011 12:55PM

    WTG on making those little changes that have seemingly turned you around. It isn't easy but it looks like you have done it. Hugs to you!! I'm thinking about you!!

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PJH2028 11/4/2011 5:47PM

    Wow. That's great. And a great reminder. The little supportive rituals and practices can LIFT our energy and set / re-set tone. Thanks, too, for your thmbs up and showing up in my days. I value you. . . . . and your awesomeness! ;-)

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KITHKINCAID 11/4/2011 4:48PM

    woohoo girl! LOVE the title of this blog. Great news on everything else :)

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