Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sunday night I had a poor night sleep brought on by sinus drain, my four legged babies needing extra attention (one of them is not feeling well) and the Mr getting up at 3:45 A.M. so he could be at work an hour later. Following that night I got up to a disappointing weigh-in. It was a rough start to the day and I hadnít even left the house yet. At the office I was tired and it was hot, summer has finally arrived in the bay area, and my boss flashed on everyone throughout the day. (Sometimes I think he forgets we are all on the same team.) At lunch I went home and packed my second workout bag, this one for cardio, only to remember after returning to the office that I had forgotten my dance/Zumba shoes. What a day and it was only 2:00 P.M.!
By this time I had come up with many reason why I shouldnít go to the gym. Here are the reasons I came up with before 4:00 P.M.:
I was tired.
I had concerns for my little fur ball.
I wanted to be home for the new fall season to start on TV.
I forgot my dance shoes.
I wasnít in the best of moods.
It was terribly hot - inside and out.
My sparing partner sent me a text that she was skipping boxing, again.
By 4:30 P.M. the Mr had arrived with my dance shoes. At that point I decided to go to Zumba and figure out the rest of the night from there.
I arrived at the gym in enough time to secure my spot for Zumba. It was packed - lots of new faces and giggles in the back rows. Love that! I danced my heart out and the sweat poured off me. Equally love that! After Zumba was over my sparing partner asked if I was going to stay for boxing and I admitted that I was tired and didnít know if I would stay. *SHRUG*
I went and ran my quarter mile and then walked on an incline for another half mile. Both were tough and I noted my knee had tightened up again. I stretched it out best I could while I had my snack. Guess I was staying for boxing after all because if I eat a snack at the gym Iím certainly not going to go home soon after and eat dinner! I pushed on and did my strength training which felt good. I moved from 8 lbs. hand weights to 10 lbs. - no discomfort today so I can work harder next time.
Boxing was next and as time ticked away it appeared, I would be the only attendee. Out of respect for the instructor and my own selfish last ditch effort to skip class I went to the front desk and asked them to call him. I told him that it appeared I would be the only one in class and asked if he still wanted to come. His response, ďIf you want to learn, Iíll teach you. What do you want to do?Ē What fresh new hell is this? I have to make this decision after a day of trying to figure out how NOT to attend this class? I took a deep breath and told him Iíd start the warmup. As I started the warmup, another class mate showed up - a veteran!
In the end, my excuses and reasons didnít matter, the veteran and I had our own private boxing lesson. It was one of the most grueling workouts I have ever had. Many times I thought Iíd loose the contents of my stomach or just pass out. I held my own when we did kicking combinations and the veteran told me later that she thought we paired well together which was a huge compliment. Alfredo, the instructor, pushes me harder and further than anyone and he does it without being loud and aggressive. He just makes me want to do it. I wanted to quit a few times, or at the very least take an extra break, but when he corrected my moves and told me, ďagainĒ I looked him dead in the eye and responded, ďokay!Ē Did I have something to prove? Not sure but I pushed on and I accomplished something bigger than all those excuses I dreamed up during the course of the day. Boxing only lasted for 45 minutes but with only two of us in the class we had little downtime so the energy and calories burned was significant. At the end we were told to do different combinations of situps - 90 of them. Ya, I made it to 60 before I collapsed!
During the session I had the urge to apologize for my lack of stamina but then stopped myself. As I sucked wind I told myself that I have NOTHING to apologize for. Iím there! I showed up! I workout all the time! Iím building my stamina! I might not be the best conditioned but I have the most heart! Why should I apologize?!
When I left the gym the air outside was warm and I walked at a snails pace to get home. At one point I wanted to sit down on the sidewalk and just cry so I could feel the release. I didnít out of fear of not being able to get back up again. Knuckles dragging I finally made it to the front door and then collapsed into a chair where I sat still and silent for a long time.
Sometimes youíll find every excuse not to do it. In the end all you need is one reason to move forward - let that reason be you. I could have given in to all those excuses but that would have been giving up on myself. Iím worth more than that!
Today I rest! Tomorrow, I begin again.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Being the fat girl can be difficult, if you let it! I've been heavy since puberty. I learned early on that if I let my weight stop me then life would pass me by. I played ALL sports growing up. I socialized and partied with my thin friends. I love to flirt and I feel sexy at any weight (even when I topped out at 325 lbs). Sure somethings were more difficult for me to do but I pushed myself and I have memories AND photo's to reflect on. I don't cringe at my "fat" pictures any more, I embrace them. I'm me fat or thin and I love me!
While talking to my best friend last night about an outing in San Francisco tomorrow I realized I craved activity. My best friend is unhealthy and her body is breaking down under her weight. I have in the past encouraged her to workout but she makes the choice not too. Anyway, while discussing our transportation options I pushed more for walking. That quickly went no where when my friends stated, "I'm old (she's 42!) and fat and I don't want to walk to our first destination and be tired. I'd rather take a taxi. I am willing to walk after so we can get pastries." WTH?! I sat very quietly and bit my tongue till it hurt. She is not willing to walk to get to our first destination because it's too far but she is willling to walk the same distance to buy a pastry? OH MY!!! What do I do with this?
She's stuck. It saddens my heart that she is choosing to live her life this way. I fear one day that her heart will give out or that her body will give out because she refuses to move.
Being the Fat Girl does NOT mean you have to stop living. Live! Move, even if it's at a slower pace. Do something but don't give up or give in. I wish she loved herself enough to make a change. I love her unconditionally but I won't enable her.
EDIT SINCE POST: It's Sunday morning, I should be getting ready to go into the city but I'm not. My friend is sick, really sick with a bad cold. Yes, it's real.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
It looks like a nectarine.
It feels like a nectarine.
It smells like a nectarine.
Aak, why doesn't it taste like a nectarine!?!
On Saturday a friend gave me two nectarines that they had received from a Harry and David package. They were sweet, juicy and all kinds of goodness.
Monday night I stopped at the organic produce stand on my way to the gym and bought a nectarine to eat before boxing. The first bite was dreadful! It was mushy and tasteless. I trashed it. There really is no way to salvage a bad piece of fruit.
Today I stopped to buy more fruit. I walked away with one banana and two peaches. I just ate one of the peaches. In a word I was . . . Unimpressed.
It's hard to embrace the goodness of fruit (which I dearly love) when it just doesn't take like fruit!
Operation Veggie has commenced. Actually it started on the weekend and has continued forward. I'm eating an abundance of salads and putting together stir-fries at the house.
My latest stir-fry has zucchini, mushrooms, carrots, peas, and onions. I use a tsp of oil to get it going and lightly season it. Delicious!
Honestly, I had forgotten how lovely veggies taste - before the Mr moved in I used to eat them daily. (veggies don't come natural to him) This weekend when the Mr and I go shopping I'll expand my variety. I'll need to stay mindful to not over buy and becoming wasteful though.
A note about salads: They ALWAYS taste better when someone else prepares them so I rarely buy salad fixings for the house. My latest salad love has come from Trader Joe's and the Panera restaurant. Those are just my top two, I've got others. Both salads are reasonably priced, yet I consider them "treats", and the calories are totally doable, even with the dressings.
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