Monday, April 25, 2011
Ever had that moment when find an answer you've been looking for and it almost knocks you down or trips you when it comes to you? Well, that happened to me a week ago when I was walking home from the gym.
It's a known fact that I do not enjoy working out with men around. Not all men mind you because they are not all cut from the same cloth. I could never put my finger on the "why" and I spent countless hours trying to figure it out.
While walking home from the gym one evening the "why" hit me and I almost tripped on it - literally. As I passed a small home an older gentleman was sitting on the steps of the porch smoking and I noticed as soon as a I saw him I became anxious and jumpy in my own skin. My mind raced. My skin crawled. I looked for a way out and contemplated crossing to the other side of the street. I know! strange reaction to what seems like a harmless old man sitting on his porch.
THEN "it" hit me . . .
At my heaviest, 325+ pounds, I went for a walk in my neighborhood trying to start down the path of healthiness. It was a hot day and I was dressed in a baggy sweatshirt and long workout pants. As I rounded a corner I noticed an older gentleman on his porch and as I glanced in his direction he started shouting at me. Things that no one person should say to another. His insults struck my very core, wormed their way into my soul and killed a little piece of me - I wanted to slink away. I was being assualted because I was fat and I was out - dare I say it - trying to improve my health. (GASP) I walked home in tears, shell shocked and wanting to hide from the world. I never did hide - I went on to loose close to a 100 lbs. and I've fought to keep it off for years; but that One person, one man, impacted my life in such away that it has almost been paralyzing.
I truly believe this one event, a moment in time, wounded me so deeply, that it causes me pain to this day. Unless I'm running a race or with someone else I can't run outside. I'm uncomfortable because "they" will see me. I'm uncomfortable working out at the gym if certain men (NOT ALL) are around and I become ubber distracted and anxious because "they" can really see me.
The Power really is in the Knowing. I have to say, my presence on the sidewalk meant nothing to the old man I saw the other day. I walked on and held my head up high. He just sat and smoked. It was the flash back that started my wheels turning and the tears to sting my eyes. Now that I know where the fear comes from I can over come it. It will take time to heal.
Words cut just like a knife and they make our heart and souls bleed. No one should be that cruel. Be kind ...
Friday, April 08, 2011
I finally have the test results in my hand from the Stool Culture for Pathogens. When I compare it to the previous test is reads similar. Due to not being a doctor or even playing one on TV I have set the all important appointment to meet with Doc on Tuesday morning, April 12th.
From what I see on the report, things haven't changed much on the inside. The Blastocystis Hominis is still present (I've been treated TWICE) and some other nastiness has popped up. (sigh)
Are these reasons why my weight loss has stopped? Why now? Why still? How expensive will the treatment be this time around? What to do to prevent? Do I need a complete overhaul of my diet? So many questions flood my mind at this late Friday afternoon, none of which will be answered until Tuesday morning.
I have no control over it so I breath, keep moving and live. Tuesday will arrive soon enough. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to just move on from this nightmare.
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