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I held on to my own truth

Thursday, May 05, 2011

I’d like to say that my latest trip home was fantastic but that’s not really true. I’d like to say that my latest trip home was an epic failure but that’s really not true either. Sure, both ends of the trip were crippled by airlines and weather acting badly; yet, through it all I was able to roll with what the universe gave me. It didn’t even get better when we finally reached “home” due to the relationship with my parents suddenly being splintered. I had to quickly find my voice or be swallowed whole. My mantra was to “Speak your mind, even when your voice shakes” ... it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it was the healthiest. This short visit changed me and it forever changed my relationship with my parents (tears). It rocked me to my core but it did not break me.

So, how was this not an epic failure?
Instead of shutting down I sat up and took notice when it came to my health.
Instead of breaking under the pressures of the airlines and weather I stayed focused. I focused on what I could do and let go of the other - it would have been wasted energy.
Instead of losing my voice, I found mine and used it - even when it was shaky. I stood up for what I believe in and I called out the BS.
I turned to the Mr for strength and asked for help - it was received.

Even when I was crippled with emotions I stayed focused on the end game.
Even when I was uncomfortable I put myself first and I held on ... to my own truth.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEDDYBABE 5/7/2011 9:09AM

    You continue to grow! Isn't this a great journey which helps us to grow! Good job.

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MANLEYSANDY 5/6/2011 12:10PM

    Good for you!!!

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KINSBAILE 5/5/2011 11:53PM

    Wow. This was an awesome blog and it brought me to tears because I totally know what you mean!!!! I had to do that too. I finally had to say things to my parents that I wish I never had to but if I had not, I would have been buried under whatever that woman is they wanted me to be instead of being ME! And you know what? I love the REAL YOU and I love the real ME too!

So CONGRATS on this! I am very proud of you!

After a while, your voice won't have to shake nor will it have to rock the walls you know? It'll be respected.

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ERIKO1908 5/5/2011 10:22PM

    There is such strength in you & I am so proud of you for making it through and staying strong. I loved the "Speak your mind...even when your voice shakes" - I really need this to be a take-away from this blog. Thank you so much for sharing! Prayers and hugs for you!!

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WILD22 5/5/2011 8:59PM

    Very well written. Remember, underneath it all, you are a fighter. I'm happy when you thought you couldn't handle anymore you turned to the Mr. and asked for help. You did not give up or give in. You stayed strong when you needed to. You did not shut down. That person is gone!! and for that you're my inspiration. You stuck with all your beliefs. After all the sadness and heart break you will feel liberated. Eventually you will look back on this and see that it needed to be done and get even more strength than you already have. emoticon

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The Power in Knowing Why

Monday, April 25, 2011

Ever had that moment when find an answer you've been looking for and it almost knocks you down or trips you when it comes to you? Well, that happened to me a week ago when I was walking home from the gym.

It's a known fact that I do not enjoy working out with men around. Not all men mind you because they are not all cut from the same cloth. I could never put my finger on the "why" and I spent countless hours trying to figure it out.

While walking home from the gym one evening the "why" hit me and I almost tripped on it - literally. As I passed a small home an older gentleman was sitting on the steps of the porch smoking and I noticed as soon as a I saw him I became anxious and jumpy in my own skin. My mind raced. My skin crawled. I looked for a way out and contemplated crossing to the other side of the street. I know! strange reaction to what seems like a harmless old man sitting on his porch.

THEN "it" hit me . . .

At my heaviest, 325+ pounds, I went for a walk in my neighborhood trying to start down the path of healthiness. It was a hot day and I was dressed in a baggy sweatshirt and long workout pants. As I rounded a corner I noticed an older gentleman on his porch and as I glanced in his direction he started shouting at me. Things that no one person should say to another. His insults struck my very core, wormed their way into my soul and killed a little piece of me - I wanted to slink away. I was being assualted because I was fat and I was out - dare I say it - trying to improve my health. (GASP) I walked home in tears, shell shocked and wanting to hide from the world. I never did hide - I went on to loose close to a 100 lbs. and I've fought to keep it off for years; but that One person, one man, impacted my life in such away that it has almost been paralyzing.

I truly believe this one event, a moment in time, wounded me so deeply, that it causes me pain to this day. Unless I'm running a race or with someone else I can't run outside. I'm uncomfortable because "they" will see me. I'm uncomfortable working out at the gym if certain men (NOT ALL) are around and I become ubber distracted and anxious because "they" can really see me.

The Power really is in the Knowing. I have to say, my presence on the sidewalk meant nothing to the old man I saw the other day. I walked on and held my head up high. He just sat and smoked. It was the flash back that started my wheels turning and the tears to sting my eyes. Now that I know where the fear comes from I can over come it. It will take time to heal.

Words cut just like a knife and they make our heart and souls bleed. No one should be that cruel. Be kind ...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 4/29/2011 12:02PM

    "I wanted to slink away. I was being assualted because I was fat and I was out - dare I say it - trying to improve my health. (GASP) I walked home in tears, shell shocked and wanting to hide from the world. I never did hide - I went on to loose close to a 100 lbs. and I've fought to keep it off for years; but that One person, one man, impacted my life in such away that it has almost been paralyzing. "

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Even when there are no words involved, the feeling of judgment can be very strong. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

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HEALTHYME47 4/27/2011 2:23PM

    There is power in knowledge and as painful as that memory is, I'm glad you have been able to get to the bottom of why you feel self-conscious working out around men. That horrible person who insulted and abused you really just hates himself....there is something about himself that he loathes and so he chose to turn it outward onto someone else. Please remember that it had nothing to do with the real you. You are beautiful inside and out, and always have been, even before you lost the weight.

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JENJESS48 4/26/2011 11:58AM

    I'm glad you finally found the trigger for your discomfort. It never ceases to amaze me that people think they can treat other people that way. You weren't harming him or even engaging him in any way; I can't help but be mystified at why he would lash out at you like that.

Now that you've recognized the trigger, have you started thinking about how to get past it?

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WILD22 4/25/2011 8:50PM

    It does hurt. People are mean to one another. Now had you been the one to make rude comments to him he would have felt the same way you did. The most important rule in life I am trying to teach everyday is "treat others how you want to be treated" It's a pretty simple thing really. I am still amazed daily by people that are purely out for themselves and are cruel and down right mean. If my 5 year old has got this why does society not get it???
You are strong, mentally and physically. Knowing why is power as you said. You have faced the hardest part. The fact that your mind has let you remember this now is because you can now deal with this nasty old mans comments and put them behind you. He is one insignificant man. He is probably mean and nasty to many people. Just think of what he is missing out on in life because of his prejudices. What you should feel is sorry for this man who is so ignorant and has has no class!!

on another note don't you kind of want to look him up now and show him how strong you are and deck him ;) emoticon

Welcome back.

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ENDUROVET 4/25/2011 6:07PM

    I'm so sorry you had to live through that...

But I had a similar moment of truth last week, when I realized that "213" was a significant number - my weight at full-term gestation of my son! Maybe in some way my subconscious wanted to hold onto that weight, before everything started to go to hell... Losing weight would somehow mean not only letting go of my son's flawed infancy/childhood, but accepting my current circumstances.

Well that's my dose of pop psychology for the day - it made me feel better anyway ;-)

I hope you do whatever you need to, to put that ordeal behind you.

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My SP Virtual 5K Race

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Today was the day, my day to run the SP virtual 5K race. It was early in my conditioning but I set my mind to turn in a personal best time. I geared up and set out to run and run I did!

I considered this race like the others I ran. Just because there weren't others running around me, a start and finish line didn't make it any less important to me. I might not get a medal or a fancy race shirt what I got was even more. I got the pride of running and finishing.

I haven't run a full 5K in months and have just started conditioning again for my race in June. Part of this race was mental ... I ran hard. Harder than any other race and I could feel it. With the end insight and fatigue setting in I suddenly heard Christina Aguilera signing Fighter. I dug deep as I turned it up.

"I am a fighter and I ain't goin' stop. There is no turning back, I've had enough!"

I finished strong and I finished with a personal best! Today I ran MY 5K in 44:59 - I WON!



1st 5K Race, June 2010 = 49:34
2nd 5K Race, Nov. 2010 = 47:37
3rd 5K Race, April 2011 = 44:59

My legs feel strong tonight! I'm running strong. I'm fighting all the odds. This is why I will always win.

Thanks for making me a fighter!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEDDYBABE 4/24/2011 9:12AM

    Great job! Isn't that just the best feeling! so happy for you! Way to go... woohoo!!!

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KINSBAILE 4/19/2011 11:51AM

    You ROCK! You're doing so well at this training! I am going to start training for a 10K I think. It will take some time but I will hopefully get there!!! 1 K at a time :)

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ENDUROVET 4/18/2011 4:12PM

    FANTASTIC JOB!!! I am so proud of you!



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WILD22 4/18/2011 11:24AM

    You are a champion!!! WOW What a great time! emoticon

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TOTALFOCUS 4/17/2011 1:03PM

    THATS WONDERFUL!
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE GOTTEN A TROPHY OR MEDAL, BUT I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU ONE! WOOHOOOOO!
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Comment edited on: 4/17/2011 1:05:14 PM

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Running Strong

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I ran last night before step class. I felt strong in my new runners and decided to skip day 3, week 4 of C25K and go straight to day 1 of week 5. I did not disappoint! My top speed was 4.5 which is lightening fast compared to the 3.8 I used to jog. I loved the sweat. I loved the speed. I even loved when I was sucking wind when finished. My new runners were great - last night was the first time out of the box. Friday night I'm running my SP 5K and I'm prepared to take it a bit slower if I need too. It'll be the first 5K in two months.

A few weeks back I decided on double workout days - which was last night (2 mile run, 45 min. Step class) I will use some of my daily calories on Gatorade. I generally stay away from those types of drinks due to the calories but thought maybe the content would aid in reducing the leg cramps I experience. So far, so good.

I feel like I'm running strong now. I feel like the 5K race in June won't be overwhelming AND that I'll be totally prepared for the 10K in November.

For anyone reading this who might wonder what happened with Doc the other day I can report all is well but won't go into great specifics right now. Yes, a new action plan has been talked about. When I can wrap my brain around it all I'll likely blog about it. Until then, know my journey continues and I'm at peace with it. To repair the years of damage I caused may take longer than I ever imagined ... if that's the case I'm settling in for the long haul. I'm a fighter!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KINSBAILE 4/15/2011 1:34PM

    OMG you are rocking it! That's SOOO AWESOME! You are awesome! I am so glad that you're my SP pal inspiring me all the way!

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TRENTDREAMER 4/15/2011 8:33AM

    REally good to hear. Best of fortunr on the 5K. Glad to hear that allis well with the you regarding the doctor. Have a great weekend!

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MANLEYSANDY 4/14/2011 11:50AM

    What a positive attitude....I was thinking about you the other day and was wondering what happened at the doctor. Stay strong, I know you will win the fit!

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HEALTHYME47 4/13/2011 10:08PM

    Wow, double workouts, you are a warrior!!!!

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TEDDYBABE 4/13/2011 7:19PM

    Such great vibes are coming off this blog! Think I will just sit here and bask in them! lol... Great job!

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I discovered a lot

Monday, April 11, 2011

This weekend was the final weekend for See Jane Run's anniversary sale. I was determined to get there to buy new runners and see what they had for curvy women runners. I was not disappointed.

It took me three hours to try on shoes and clothes. I was determined to do it right and didn't care about the time. I tried on five different types/styles of shoes. I walked and ran outside, inside and on the treadmill with all the different shoes. I even mixed and matched them. I discovered that I need stability shoes. I discovered that with higher end runners I wear a sized 9.5 - still hard to believe - that's up from a 8.5. I discovered my feet love New Balance shoes and will only tolerate other brands for so long. I discovered (again) that I need a bit of extra support but too much make my feet feel funny.

Although they do carry running clothes for women with curves the variety was lacking when compared to the rest of the store. Yet, I was happy with the variety I had to pick from and they had color! I was happy to invest in a pair of running pants and shirt that were a size smaller than before. Of course, my mind was playing tricks on me so I made the Mr. go back to the store with me the next day and check me out in the outfit I bought and the outfit that was a size larger.

I stayed with the original purchase.


I ran on Sunday afternoon. Making it to the gym for extended periods of time on a Sunday is easier now that the Mr is going with me. (Insert Happy sigh) It was a running day for me so I ran. What I discovered at the gym is that I am running at a higher speed now and my breathing is in sync. I finished week four of my revived C25K training and felt fantastic after. What I also discovered is that I didn't feel like hiding in the women only part of the gym to complete my 100 sit-ups. I did those out amongst the general public.

Last night I was exhausted from the weekend and ended up crawling into bed 90 minutes early. What I discovered three hours later is that the youngest fur ball should NOT go to bed with me when I turn in 90 minutes early. He "napped" with me and then woke up three hours later wanting to play and eat. OH MY. He bounced around the bedroom and nudged me a few times after which I finally got up and took him silently into the living room where the Mr. played with him until he was exhausted. I didn't feel his little whiskers again until 5:33 this morning.

Also this weekend I discovered that I am really angry about the process of healing my body and Doc's approach. I knew it wasn't working and I stopped it all cold in its tracks. I'm sure Doc was shacking his head at me but I didn't care - I just knew. After receiving the test results back on Friday afternoon I discovered not much had changed on the inside. I had to keep the anger in check this weekend and not let it over take me. Tomorrow a.m. I consult with Doc ... maybe for the last time, maybe not. Something needs to change and I don't want that to be just my declining checkbook balance. A post about it tomorrow will come soon enough.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILD22 4/12/2011 10:02AM

    It is easier when our husbands go with us. It doesn't feel like we are abandoning them. Good luck today with the DR. I hope you guys can find a fix you will both be happy with.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 4/11/2011 4:33PM

    He actual does listen & we do work well together. I'm frustrated at being treated for the same thing and it never goes away. I'm tired of new stuff popping up that either existed and was dealt with or is something new. We'll have this same discussion tomorrow. On some level it's complicated, which is why he is the third Doc I've seen for it, BUT - he's the expert. I'm ready to be wow'd again by the intelligence and experience.



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JENJESS48 4/11/2011 4:12PM

    If you and your doctor can't work together constructively, maybe you need to change docs. If your doctor doesn't listen and can't help, then it's time to move on. emoticon

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