Monday, April 25, 2011
Ever had that moment when find an answer you've been looking for and it almost knocks you down or trips you when it comes to you? Well, that happened to me a week ago when I was walking home from the gym.
It's a known fact that I do not enjoy working out with men around. Not all men mind you because they are not all cut from the same cloth. I could never put my finger on the "why" and I spent countless hours trying to figure it out.
While walking home from the gym one evening the "why" hit me and I almost tripped on it - literally. As I passed a small home an older gentleman was sitting on the steps of the porch smoking and I noticed as soon as a I saw him I became anxious and jumpy in my own skin. My mind raced. My skin crawled. I looked for a way out and contemplated crossing to the other side of the street. I know! strange reaction to what seems like a harmless old man sitting on his porch.
THEN "it" hit me . . .
At my heaviest, 325+ pounds, I went for a walk in my neighborhood trying to start down the path of healthiness. It was a hot day and I was dressed in a baggy sweatshirt and long workout pants. As I rounded a corner I noticed an older gentleman on his porch and as I glanced in his direction he started shouting at me. Things that no one person should say to another. His insults struck my very core, wormed their way into my soul and killed a little piece of me - I wanted to slink away. I was being assualted because I was fat and I was out - dare I say it - trying to improve my health. (GASP) I walked home in tears, shell shocked and wanting to hide from the world. I never did hide - I went on to loose close to a 100 lbs. and I've fought to keep it off for years; but that One person, one man, impacted my life in such away that it has almost been paralyzing.
I truly believe this one event, a moment in time, wounded me so deeply, that it causes me pain to this day. Unless I'm running a race or with someone else I can't run outside. I'm uncomfortable because "they" will see me. I'm uncomfortable working out at the gym if certain men (NOT ALL) are around and I become ubber distracted and anxious because "they" can really see me.
The Power really is in the Knowing. I have to say, my presence on the sidewalk meant nothing to the old man I saw the other day. I walked on and held my head up high. He just sat and smoked. It was the flash back that started my wheels turning and the tears to sting my eyes. Now that I know where the fear comes from I can over come it. It will take time to heal.
Words cut just like a knife and they make our heart and souls bleed. No one should be that cruel. Be kind ...
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