Thursday, February 24, 2011
Life has been a struggle of late. Bad news. Good news. I am indifferent.
Walking to the gym feels like Iím walking to my death. Last night I walked and walked. Then I stood. Staring. Standing Still. Watching those inside glide on the elliptical. Run on the treadmill. Chatting. Laughing. Scowling. Moving. I stood still. I watched. I thought. Finally, I walked. I found the front door and in that moment I paused. I paused - I stood still - trying to decide if I would go or stay. I stayed. I climbed the elliptical and found my settings. Then I stood still. One word repeated like a jackhammer, "WHY?" Auto-pilot kicked in and my legs moved. I felt the anger rage within me. I moved. I seem to chase the "why." I rage against it until my head hurts, my feet ache and my eyes burn. I rage. Rage does not equal rebellion. In standing still I can quiet the rage. I can channel it. Workout harder. Eat well. I Rage against the machine and I thumb my nose at conventional wisdom. If Plan A, B and C aren't working I move on. "Plan O? Watcha got for me today?"
Standing Still I see the world. My reality. Then I move ... forward.