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Stuck

Saturday, January 08, 2011

I've been Sidelined. Benched. Out of commission. Something I've done has caused injury to my left foot. The top is bruised severely and my toes are difficult to bend. Shoes are uncomfortable. Walking difficult. I wait. I ponder. I plan. I plot while stuck.

My Ipod died at 4 months old. It's out for repair - they wouldn't replace. I wait. I ponder. Music moves me. I am still. I wait. I plot while stuck.

The move has been postponed. I sit. I look. This place is too small - suffocating. I choke on the very surroundings that protect me from the elements. The child that wills to be conceived waits for the moment - for the moment it will take over my heart and my home. I wait. I plot while stuck.

My weight remains the same. The scale reads - FAT. I'm stuck. Doc ponders. I worry. Going into a 3+ year plateau is devastating mentally. I hold on. I wait. I stay proactive. I plot while stuck.

It's a grey day. I'm stuck. I wait and I ponder. I plot.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THATS_LOVELY101 1/11/2011 4:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAGIC10FINGERS 1/9/2011 10:17PM

    I DID THE SAME THING! Only I slowly went up in 3 yrs the more I exercised & tried eating right. Found out it was my hormones! I'm NOT doing the synthetics crap the Drs try to put U on. I have a compounding pharmacist from the east coast that works with U, along with a Dr of YOUR choosing in your area who is open to Natural hormone replacement, & after 3 mos of getting me regulated, I'm FINALLY starting to lose again! Something to think about.

Hugs & prayers to U my dear, I feel your frustration! LITERALLY!
hugs


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TRENTDREAMER 1/9/2011 9:18PM

    "My weight remains the same. The scale reads - FAT. I'm stuck. Doc ponders. I worry. Going into a 3+ year plateau is devastating mentally. I hold on. I wait. I stay proactive. I plot while stuck.
It's a grey day. I'm stuck. I wait and I ponder. I plot. "

* emoticon Very frustrating. I hear ya.

Comment edited on: 1/9/2011 9:19:06 PM

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KITHKINCAID 1/9/2011 11:36AM

    Your writing has become very poetic. So glad you're able to express some of your frustrations. Hang in there. We're all behind you!

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ABB698 1/9/2011 2:29AM

    Hang in there hun! As bad as it may seem , these things are just OBSTACLES.

Which are meant to be overcome. emoticon

(More) Patience, Grashopper! emoticon

Hope your foot feels better soon!!



emoticon

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SKYHAWK195 1/8/2011 3:10PM

  Yeah I been there. I strained a ligament in my knee. After a year it is better but not gone. Took me 6 months to get back into my regular regime. Hang in there it only gets better.

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Mind Clutter

Friday, January 07, 2011

My mind races. It's cluttered and congested. Thoughts float, they dance and then they die inside. Blocked! Blog titles float by. I ponder the content - then it's gone. POOF!

Mind Clutter. Overwhelmed by lack of success. Striving to continue my daily healthy routine. Failure is not an option.

2011 be good to me!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 1/7/2011 6:55PM

    "Failure is not an option."
You go girl!

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MANLEYSANDY 1/7/2011 6:11PM

    Success is not always measured in pounds lost.

I see you as the master of exercise...I will never be that successful!

I see you as a Do-er...each day sparking your way to a better life!

I see you as a learner....learner what it takes to take it each day one day at a time!

You have wonderful husband and you live in a great city...

You are a SUCCESS!

Keep your chin up...when you hear that voice in your head fight back!!

Comment edited on: 1/7/2011 6:12:45 PM

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ABB698 1/7/2011 3:57PM

    You are certainly not alone!!!

Here's to 2011, Bring it, Let's do this!!

Have a Fab Friday!

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MAGIC10FINGERS 1/7/2011 3:28PM

    WOW! How did U get inside my head?!?!

I'm confident this WILL be a good yr!

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3LITTLEBUNNIES 1/7/2011 3:09PM

    Ahhhh does this sound familiar!!! Just got done with a 12 hour night shift last night and it seems everything is just floating by and gone before I can grab it!!!
Not to worry though! 2011 is going to be fantastic!!!!!

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Home for the Holidays

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The journey home began late evening on December 21st - I was anxious. I come from a long line of "tell it like it is and apologize later" people, so anything goes really. It can be tough on the emotions regardless of how "thick" your skin is.
Nothing has changed. I don't want to focus on the tough times but rather the fabulous. Being away from the computer for 7 days I have lots bottled up inside to blog about which will come out in short bursts later.

This blog is to celebrate my return home for the holidays and the ability to stay focused.

I weighed myself before I left on the trip and I weighed myself upon my return - I maintained! An amazing accomplishment!

I was deteremined. I was focused. Only once did I think, "I can eat this, I'm on vacation." Before I could even finish the thought I had spit out the bite and dropped the rest like it was on fire. Eating something just because I'm on vacation was not allowed. Eating something because I simply wanted to or because I was hungry was okay ... I was being mindful and in those moments I had control and ate smaller portions.

I enjoyed my family and friends the best I could. I also enjoyed the experience of farm life too. Without fail, I woke early every morning to help my parents feed the cattle and on most evening I helped again. When I didn't "want" to I demanded I must - between the fresh air and physical work - it was important!

When I felt the walls caving in on me and my mind gluttered I left and went for a walk. Do you know what it feels like to run in temperatures ranging between 6 and 30 degree's? Yeah, I don't either. LOL! BUT, I do know what it is like to walk. Deep snow and wind does something different to your body.

Enjoy the photo's of my Holiday vacation ...


The Mr is from Jamaica and even in Jamaica they learn about the Mississippi river - he had always hoped one day he would see it live and in person. We took a 2 hour car ride early in our trip to see the river. Due to the condition of the river banks he couldn't get up next to the river but he did see it and take pictures. In addition to the river viewing we crossed over into Illinios ... another state he cross off his list of places to go.









A white Christmas on the Farm.




For fun we climbed to the top (191 steps straight up) for 360 degree view. It was beautiful and bone chilling cold. My body took to the stairs with ease, my lungs labored a bit - again, it was bone chilling cold. I don't know the temps at the top, I do know the Mr climbed to top and promptly left after the photo opt. He determined I was one crazy woman for "wanting" to climb to the top ...


Chasing the sun home

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGIC10FINGERS 1/4/2011 5:54PM

    OMG what beautiful pics! Cold or not, the midwest can be just as majestic as the coasts, the mountains, & deserts! Congrats on maintaining during the holiday!

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KITHKINCAID 12/29/2010 11:39PM

    Beautiful pics. I DO know what it's like to run in those temperatures - COLD! But freeing at the same time. Good for you for staying on track over the holidays!

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ENDUROVET 12/29/2010 10:29PM

    Beautiful photos! but I don't envy you that white Christmas...

Nice to see your better half too ;-)

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Vacation

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am officially on vacation until January 3rd!

We board a plane at 12:20 a.m. to take a flight to Iowa to spend 7 days with my folks. I hope for snow but absolutely no wind!

My goal for this trip is to eat when I'm hungry, eat responsibly and not to justify all things food because I am on vacation. You know how that goes, "it's okay to have this, I'm on vacation". I don't want that dialogue in my head, At All! I did weigh myself so I know my beginning vacation weight. I hope to hold steady or loose. I have packed my "go to" snacks that fill me up and are all natural to help with between meal snacks.

I'll be tracking food and thoughts old school by writing them down. My folks choose to not own a computer and living in a rural area means the dial up takes ages.

Traditional workouts won't happen. But I've already been asked if the Mr and I will help cut wood and then there is taking care of the cattle and walking to the "spring" to cut ice. When needed I can always go for a walk/jog - running shoes are in my carry-on bag already.

Happy Holidays my beautiful Spark Friends! I'll soon be back ...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGIC10FINGERS 1/4/2011 5:56PM

    Glad U had a great time! Sounds like U will still get your exercise in, even working different muscles than usual.

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/21/2010 8:10PM

    Have an awesome holiday!

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THATS_LOVELY101 12/21/2010 5:53PM

    My family is the same way with the dial up. We don't even get any cell reception. We always feel so disconnected, haha. Way to go for writing everything down! Good for you!

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ENDUROVET 12/21/2010 5:45PM

    I'm just waiting to hear if you've gotten anything out of listening to Paul McK? I still plug him in on my iPod at bedtime occasionally for meditative purposes...

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KITHKINCAID 12/21/2010 1:46PM

    Have a WONDERFUL Christmas!!! I wish you much success...and those "chores" kinda sound like fun in a weird way - hahaha!

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ABB698 12/21/2010 12:22PM

    Enjoy your trip!!

Merry Christmas emoticon!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEDDYBABE 12/20/2010 9:35PM

    Have a wonderful trip and enjoy your family! Make a snowball for me!! Merry Christmas!

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Letting go ...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Letting go. Hard. Scary. Freeing. This Christmas holiday marks the 3rd year anniversary of my letting go. The letting go of the Fat Girl. I said good-bye. I turned my back and walked away.

She was born in rural Iowa. She lived and breathed my life. We ate together. Cried. Laughed. Giggled. Struggled. We lived as one - she became me, I became her. THEN, I ran from her. I tried to get away but she followed me from state to state. A childhood friend, the one that kept all my secrets suddenly became my stalker. She possessed me. Scared. Tired. Angry. LEAVE ME! A few times she left and I found my inner skinny girl. I tried her on. She felt fabulous but she scarred me. I turned my back and welcomed my old friend home again. We ate. We plotted against the world. We became Fat together. I mourned.

Three years ago I said good-bye. No more. I left her. I walked away. You're dead to me. My stalker became a ghost. I mourned her. I loved her. She was my best friend - the one who knew ME. The me I hid from all the world. I still think of her. I still mourn. When I return home each holiday season I feel her presence. I left her. I laid her to rest in the place she was born. I look around the corners to see if she's there. I watch for the shadow - I see nothing yet, I feel it all. Flooding emotion. I believe she is gone. We live in peace.

I Thank her for walking beside me for so many years. I thank her for letting me go. For not waiting for me. Respect. Admiration. Truth. Walking away. Without her I would not be me. Without her I would not know my strengths.

This Christmas I return home. Melancholy yet Happy. I will pay my respects. I will think of her fondly. No more anger, nor plotting against the world. It's hard to let go when it's a part of you. When you have to say good-bye to live it still hurts.

Be at peace my fat girl, my friend. You served me well for many, many years. Much Respect! Love. Admiration. Good-bye. I shall remember you always.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITWIFEY86 12/18/2010 12:11AM

    emoticon blog. Keep up the emoticon work!!

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ABB698 12/17/2010 11:45PM

    Okay so that gave me chills!!! Wow, what an awesome retrospect!!

Wishing you the happiest, HEALTHIEST Holiday season ever!

emoticon

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THATS_LOVELY101 12/17/2010 11:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

Way to go!

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SWELL10 12/16/2010 10:48PM

    Wow! Powerful!

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WILD22 12/16/2010 10:24PM

    great blog!

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