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Thursday, January 13, 2011

There's no news flash. No big announcement. No new realization. I'm fat. I've been fat for a really long time. I don't slow down. I do. I play. I make it happen. I don't sit on the bench - never have, never will. Tell me I can't and I will.

It's me. It's always been me ...

I keep my life(s) separate. Facebook. SparkPeople. Gym. Home. Friends. Family. Work. Separate - not equal. Each group gets a piece of me. I'm not a collector of friends. I never will be. People in my life are priceless. I'm accepted for who I am. Not the weight I am. So why so separate?

It's me. It's always been me ...

What if they see . . . my hurt? Tears. Disappointment. Fear. Sensitivity. The child. The girl. The woman. The dreamer. The corky. The wicked. The fat. The thin. What if they see me?! Me. The real me. The me that I keep hidden.

It's me. It's always been me ... Separate.

I strive each day to be me. The authentic me. No longer separate. Divided.

It's me. It's always been me . . .

Tomorrow I might be part of them but today I'm separate. Looking. Wishing. Dreaming. Striving.

NEWS FLASH: They'd love me all the same. The whole me. The authentic me. The Fat or The thin me. The cranky. The giggly. They'd love me. Me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 1/21/2011 12:34PM

    So hard for us to accept that love sometimes... (yes, speaking for myself here)

& I absolutely despise change - here you see a dyed-in-the-wool stick-in-the-mud kind of girl; probably why I remain stuck on my high plateau!

But I'm grateful for my SparkFriends too...

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ABB698 1/13/2011 11:30PM

    well I'm glad that you are my Spark friend!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 1/13/2011 12:55PM

    Very interesting blog. I saw things that reminded me of myself in there, I too, keep parts of myself separate from other parts of myself. I'm not sure it would be better to divulge myself to everyone or not. It's scary to think about. Good luck as you try to change. Change is Hard, and I just don't think I'm ready for THAT change yet.

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31 Days, 26.2 miles

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

On January 1, 2011 SP member, & one of my favorite bloggers, RUSSELLORAMA wrote about logging 26.2 miles in the month of January by walking/jogging. I took on that goal myself - 31 days, 26.2 miles. My goal is to simply log 26.2 miles which I can accomplish in three ways: walking, jogging, or on the elliptical. I'm not including my step class workouts.

Today my stats are this:

Walking: 6 miles
Jogging: 1.7 miles (a foot injury has, Temporarily, benched me from jogging)
Elliptical: 8.7 miles

Today, January 11 - I've logged 16.4 miles of the 26.2!

I'm determined to run again but I must be careful and wait for my foot heal fully.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 1/12/2011 9:55PM

    "I'm determined to run again but I must be careful and wait for my foot heal fully. "

* That's good progress. You can totally do 10 miles in 20 days. Hope that your foot heals soon. That sounds like something I should try in February....... or maybe a HM.......HMmmmmmmm.

Thank you for your comment on my blog this evening. I really appreciate it.


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SLEEPYDEAN 1/12/2011 6:21PM

    MapMyRun.com is doing a challenge either with the 26.2 or 15 overall workouts in the 30 days. You can win prizes and such for the participation.

Definitely a great way to start you year off! And take care of that injury - I know how you feel as just being diagnosed with Degenerative Joint Disease and my running future being very uncertain.

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ENDUROVET 1/12/2011 6:17PM

    Well I only had time for a "quickie" over my lunch hr today at the gym: 12 min on elliptical + 10 min on machines...
But I figured that was better than nuthin'!

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KITHKINCAID 1/12/2011 4:25PM

    Fun goal - I like it.

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MAGIC10FINGERS 1/12/2011 12:15PM

    very cool! Keep up the awesome job!

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BBGYRL4 1/12/2011 10:45AM

    emoticon That's awesome!! I think that her idea was great and it's awesome that you are going to do it to. Seems like you're going to surpass the 26.2 miles this miles, that's awesome!

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Saturday, January 08, 2011

I've been Sidelined. Benched. Out of commission. Something I've done has caused injury to my left foot. The top is bruised severely and my toes are difficult to bend. Shoes are uncomfortable. Walking difficult. I wait. I ponder. I plan. I plot while stuck.

My Ipod died at 4 months old. It's out for repair - they wouldn't replace. I wait. I ponder. Music moves me. I am still. I wait. I plot while stuck.

The move has been postponed. I sit. I look. This place is too small - suffocating. I choke on the very surroundings that protect me from the elements. The child that wills to be conceived waits for the moment - for the moment it will take over my heart and my home. I wait. I plot while stuck.

My weight remains the same. The scale reads - FAT. I'm stuck. Doc ponders. I worry. Going into a 3+ year plateau is devastating mentally. I hold on. I wait. I stay proactive. I plot while stuck.

It's a grey day. I'm stuck. I wait and I ponder. I plot.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THATS_LOVELY101 1/11/2011 4:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAGIC10FINGERS 1/9/2011 10:17PM

    I DID THE SAME THING! Only I slowly went up in 3 yrs the more I exercised & tried eating right. Found out it was my hormones! I'm NOT doing the synthetics crap the Drs try to put U on. I have a compounding pharmacist from the east coast that works with U, along with a Dr of YOUR choosing in your area who is open to Natural hormone replacement, & after 3 mos of getting me regulated, I'm FINALLY starting to lose again! Something to think about.

Hugs & prayers to U my dear, I feel your frustration! LITERALLY!

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TRENTDREAMER 1/9/2011 9:18PM

    "My weight remains the same. The scale reads - FAT. I'm stuck. Doc ponders. I worry. Going into a 3+ year plateau is devastating mentally. I hold on. I wait. I stay proactive. I plot while stuck.
It's a grey day. I'm stuck. I wait and I ponder. I plot. "

* emoticon Very frustrating. I hear ya.

Comment edited on: 1/9/2011 9:19:06 PM

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KITHKINCAID 1/9/2011 11:36AM

    Your writing has become very poetic. So glad you're able to express some of your frustrations. Hang in there. We're all behind you!

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ABB698 1/9/2011 2:29AM

    Hang in there hun! As bad as it may seem , these things are just OBSTACLES.

Which are meant to be overcome. emoticon

(More) Patience, Grashopper! emoticon

Hope your foot feels better soon!!


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SKYHAWK195 1/8/2011 3:10PM

  Yeah I been there. I strained a ligament in my knee. After a year it is better but not gone. Took me 6 months to get back into my regular regime. Hang in there it only gets better.

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Mind Clutter

Friday, January 07, 2011

My mind races. It's cluttered and congested. Thoughts float, they dance and then they die inside. Blocked! Blog titles float by. I ponder the content - then it's gone. POOF!

Mind Clutter. Overwhelmed by lack of success. Striving to continue my daily healthy routine. Failure is not an option.

2011 be good to me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    "Failure is not an option."
You go girl!

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MANLEYSANDY 1/7/2011 6:11PM

    Success is not always measured in pounds lost.

I see you as the master of exercise...I will never be that successful!

I see you as a Do-er...each day sparking your way to a better life!

I see you as a learner....learner what it takes to take it each day one day at a time!

You have wonderful husband and you live in a great city...

You are a SUCCESS!

Keep your chin up...when you hear that voice in your head fight back!!

Comment edited on: 1/7/2011 6:12:45 PM

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ABB698 1/7/2011 3:57PM

    You are certainly not alone!!!

Here's to 2011, Bring it, Let's do this!!

Have a Fab Friday!

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MAGIC10FINGERS 1/7/2011 3:28PM

    WOW! How did U get inside my head?!?!

I'm confident this WILL be a good yr!

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3LITTLEBUNNIES 1/7/2011 3:09PM

    Ahhhh does this sound familiar!!! Just got done with a 12 hour night shift last night and it seems everything is just floating by and gone before I can grab it!!!
Not to worry though! 2011 is going to be fantastic!!!!!

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Home for the Holidays

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The journey home began late evening on December 21st - I was anxious. I come from a long line of "tell it like it is and apologize later" people, so anything goes really. It can be tough on the emotions regardless of how "thick" your skin is.
Nothing has changed. I don't want to focus on the tough times but rather the fabulous. Being away from the computer for 7 days I have lots bottled up inside to blog about which will come out in short bursts later.

This blog is to celebrate my return home for the holidays and the ability to stay focused.

I weighed myself before I left on the trip and I weighed myself upon my return - I maintained! An amazing accomplishment!

I was deteremined. I was focused. Only once did I think, "I can eat this, I'm on vacation." Before I could even finish the thought I had spit out the bite and dropped the rest like it was on fire. Eating something just because I'm on vacation was not allowed. Eating something because I simply wanted to or because I was hungry was okay ... I was being mindful and in those moments I had control and ate smaller portions.

I enjoyed my family and friends the best I could. I also enjoyed the experience of farm life too. Without fail, I woke early every morning to help my parents feed the cattle and on most evening I helped again. When I didn't "want" to I demanded I must - between the fresh air and physical work - it was important!

When I felt the walls caving in on me and my mind gluttered I left and went for a walk. Do you know what it feels like to run in temperatures ranging between 6 and 30 degree's? Yeah, I don't either. LOL! BUT, I do know what it is like to walk. Deep snow and wind does something different to your body.

Enjoy the photo's of my Holiday vacation ...

The Mr is from Jamaica and even in Jamaica they learn about the Mississippi river - he had always hoped one day he would see it live and in person. We took a 2 hour car ride early in our trip to see the river. Due to the condition of the river banks he couldn't get up next to the river but he did see it and take pictures. In addition to the river viewing we crossed over into Illinios ... another state he cross off his list of places to go.

A white Christmas on the Farm.

For fun we climbed to the top (191 steps straight up) for 360 degree view. It was beautiful and bone chilling cold. My body took to the stairs with ease, my lungs labored a bit - again, it was bone chilling cold. I don't know the temps at the top, I do know the Mr climbed to top and promptly left after the photo opt. He determined I was one crazy woman for "wanting" to climb to the top ...

Chasing the sun home

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGIC10FINGERS 1/4/2011 5:54PM

    OMG what beautiful pics! Cold or not, the midwest can be just as majestic as the coasts, the mountains, & deserts! Congrats on maintaining during the holiday!

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KITHKINCAID 12/29/2010 11:39PM

    Beautiful pics. I DO know what it's like to run in those temperatures - COLD! But freeing at the same time. Good for you for staying on track over the holidays!

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ENDUROVET 12/29/2010 10:29PM

    Beautiful photos! but I don't envy you that white Christmas...

Nice to see your better half too ;-)

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