We board a plane at 12:20 a.m. to take a flight to Iowa to spend 7 days with my folks. I hope for snow but absolutely no wind!
My goal for this trip is to eat when I'm hungry, eat responsibly and not to justify all things food because I am on vacation. You know how that goes, "it's okay to have this, I'm on vacation". I don't want that dialogue in my head, At All! I did weigh myself so I know my beginning vacation weight. I hope to hold steady or loose. I have packed my "go to" snacks that fill me up and are all natural to help with between meal snacks.
I'll be tracking food and thoughts old school by writing them down. My folks choose to not own a computer and living in a rural area means the dial up takes ages.
Traditional workouts won't happen. But I've already been asked if the Mr and I will help cut wood and then there is taking care of the cattle and walking to the "spring" to cut ice. When needed I can always go for a walk/jog - running shoes are in my carry-on bag already.
Happy Holidays my beautiful Spark Friends! I'll soon be back ...
Letting go. Hard. Scary. Freeing. This Christmas holiday marks the 3rd year anniversary of my letting go. The letting go of the Fat Girl. I said good-bye. I turned my back and walked away.
She was born in rural Iowa. She lived and breathed my life. We ate together. Cried. Laughed. Giggled. Struggled. We lived as one - she became me, I became her. THEN, I ran from her. I tried to get away but she followed me from state to state. A childhood friend, the one that kept all my secrets suddenly became my stalker. She possessed me. Scared. Tired. Angry. LEAVE ME! A few times she left and I found my inner skinny girl. I tried her on. She felt fabulous but she scarred me. I turned my back and welcomed my old friend home again. We ate. We plotted against the world. We became Fat together. I mourned.
Three years ago I said good-bye. No more. I left her. I walked away. You're dead to me. My stalker became a ghost. I mourned her. I loved her. She was my best friend - the one who knew ME. The me I hid from all the world. I still think of her. I still mourn. When I return home each holiday season I feel her presence. I left her. I laid her to rest in the place she was born. I look around the corners to see if she's there. I watch for the shadow - I see nothing yet, I feel it all. Flooding emotion. I believe she is gone. We live in peace.
I Thank her for walking beside me for so many years. I thank her for letting me go. For not waiting for me. Respect. Admiration. Truth. Walking away. Without her I would not be me. Without her I would not know my strengths.
This Christmas I return home. Melancholy yet Happy. I will pay my respects. I will think of her fondly. No more anger, nor plotting against the world. It's hard to let go when it's a part of you. When you have to say good-bye to live it still hurts.
Be at peace my fat girl, my friend. You served me well for many, many years. Much Respect! Love. Admiration. Good-bye. I shall remember you always.
Picture day for the office. (sigh) Panic. What will I wear? Suits are binding. Restricting. Professional. I made the exception. I dusted off the suit jacket. I slid on my pumps. Judgment time - if only in my eyes. As I turned to the mirror I saw her - the woman within. She shined yesterday. She walked tall. She stood in judgment and judgment was kind.
The meeting was short. Thankfully! The photo op even shorter. Smile. Fidgeting - not allowed. I stood proud.
Next food and drink. Why must it always be about food? Panic set in. Breath. The rest of the group ordered deep fried. I would not. I ordered a grilled artichoke. Simply Fabulous! Let's add a Caesar Salad with a side of salmon too. When my food arrive, I smiled, they stopped and stared. To wash it down I sipped a vodka tonic. Slowly I ate. Delicately I sipped.
Waking before the alarm always seems like a plus. Iím rested. Watching as the darkness turns to light is comforting. Listening to my own thoughts today in the quietness of the morning seemed overwhelming. How do I turn it off? The scale, again unkind, read - FAT. I quietly stepped off and gently put her away. Anxiety. Concern. Anger. Numbness. It seemed I walked in circles, caught in my own maze. Then I sat and I wrote. Dear Doc, some thing is wrong. I wait for a response. Mechanically I go through my routine. I walk 908 steps to reach my office, all the while listening to Eminem and Rihanna - I love the way you lie - how fitting. As I walked I tried to turn it off - my brain. That switch is broken.
Yesterday, with sleep in my eyes I made my way to the gym. Would I run? Yes. I lost myself inside my mind and I ran. The sweat dripped. My lungs were strong. My breath easy. My legs sturdy. I ran. When time ran out and the cool down phase started I cursed and thought - too short! Today. Right now, I wish I were running. Soon enough.
Until then I wait. Searching. Asking. Looking. I shall embrace the day and make it mine.
The littlest fur ball woke me up at 5:50 a.m. to play, but how can I be mad at a purring, loving ball of fluff - I can't. The scale was unkind today. Bloat! After a hot, nutritious breakfast including 6 glasses of water I slipped on my earphones - Usher and I walked to work. I took 877 steps to arrive at my office chair. The mist covered my coat and the fresh air filled my lungs - I took a deep breathe. Yes, it is another day, another dollar but today is mine and I will embrace it for all it's worth!