KT-NICHOLS-13   43,017
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Monday, December 20, 2010

I am officially on vacation until January 3rd!

We board a plane at 12:20 a.m. to take a flight to Iowa to spend 7 days with my folks. I hope for snow but absolutely no wind!

My goal for this trip is to eat when I'm hungry, eat responsibly and not to justify all things food because I am on vacation. You know how that goes, "it's okay to have this, I'm on vacation". I don't want that dialogue in my head, At All! I did weigh myself so I know my beginning vacation weight. I hope to hold steady or loose. I have packed my "go to" snacks that fill me up and are all natural to help with between meal snacks.

I'll be tracking food and thoughts old school by writing them down. My folks choose to not own a computer and living in a rural area means the dial up takes ages.

Traditional workouts won't happen. But I've already been asked if the Mr and I will help cut wood and then there is taking care of the cattle and walking to the "spring" to cut ice. When needed I can always go for a walk/jog - running shoes are in my carry-on bag already.

Happy Holidays my beautiful Spark Friends! I'll soon be back ...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGIC10FINGERS 1/4/2011 5:56PM

    Glad U had a great time! Sounds like U will still get your exercise in, even working different muscles than usual.

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/21/2010 8:10PM

    Have an awesome holiday!

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THATS_LOVELY101 12/21/2010 5:53PM

    My family is the same way with the dial up. We don't even get any cell reception. We always feel so disconnected, haha. Way to go for writing everything down! Good for you!

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ENDUROVET 12/21/2010 5:45PM

    I'm just waiting to hear if you've gotten anything out of listening to Paul McK? I still plug him in on my iPod at bedtime occasionally for meditative purposes...

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KITHKINCAID 12/21/2010 1:46PM

    Have a WONDERFUL Christmas!!! I wish you much success...and those "chores" kinda sound like fun in a weird way - hahaha!

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ABB698 12/21/2010 12:22PM

    Enjoy your trip!!

Merry Christmas emoticon!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEDDYBABE 12/20/2010 9:35PM

    Have a wonderful trip and enjoy your family! Make a snowball for me!! Merry Christmas!

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Letting go ...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Letting go. Hard. Scary. Freeing. This Christmas holiday marks the 3rd year anniversary of my letting go. The letting go of the Fat Girl. I said good-bye. I turned my back and walked away.

She was born in rural Iowa. She lived and breathed my life. We ate together. Cried. Laughed. Giggled. Struggled. We lived as one - she became me, I became her. THEN, I ran from her. I tried to get away but she followed me from state to state. A childhood friend, the one that kept all my secrets suddenly became my stalker. She possessed me. Scared. Tired. Angry. LEAVE ME! A few times she left and I found my inner skinny girl. I tried her on. She felt fabulous but she scarred me. I turned my back and welcomed my old friend home again. We ate. We plotted against the world. We became Fat together. I mourned.

Three years ago I said good-bye. No more. I left her. I walked away. You're dead to me. My stalker became a ghost. I mourned her. I loved her. She was my best friend - the one who knew ME. The me I hid from all the world. I still think of her. I still mourn. When I return home each holiday season I feel her presence. I left her. I laid her to rest in the place she was born. I look around the corners to see if she's there. I watch for the shadow - I see nothing yet, I feel it all. Flooding emotion. I believe she is gone. We live in peace.

I Thank her for walking beside me for so many years. I thank her for letting me go. For not waiting for me. Respect. Admiration. Truth. Walking away. Without her I would not be me. Without her I would not know my strengths.

This Christmas I return home. Melancholy yet Happy. I will pay my respects. I will think of her fondly. No more anger, nor plotting against the world. It's hard to let go when it's a part of you. When you have to say good-bye to live it still hurts.

Be at peace my fat girl, my friend. You served me well for many, many years. Much Respect! Love. Admiration. Good-bye. I shall remember you always.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITWIFEY86 12/18/2010 12:11AM

    emoticon blog. Keep up the emoticon work!!

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ABB698 12/17/2010 11:45PM

    Okay so that gave me chills!!! Wow, what an awesome retrospect!!

Wishing you the happiest, HEALTHIEST Holiday season ever!


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THATS_LOVELY101 12/17/2010 11:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

Way to go!

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SWELL10 12/16/2010 10:48PM

    Wow! Powerful!

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WILD22 12/16/2010 10:24PM

    great blog!

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Picture Day!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Picture day for the office. (sigh) Panic. What will I wear? Suits are binding. Restricting. Professional. I made the exception. I dusted off the suit jacket. I slid on my pumps. Judgment time - if only in my eyes. As I turned to the mirror I saw her - the woman within. She shined yesterday. She walked tall. She stood in judgment and judgment was kind.

The meeting was short. Thankfully! The photo op even shorter. Smile. Fidgeting - not allowed. I stood proud.

Next food and drink. Why must it always be about food? Panic set in. Breath. The rest of the group ordered deep fried. I would not. I ordered a grilled artichoke. Simply Fabulous! Let's add a Caesar Salad with a side of salmon too. When my food arrive, I smiled, they stopped and stared. To wash it down I sipped a vodka tonic. Slowly I ate. Delicately I sipped.

My day was a success!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINCEKINDER 12/17/2010 8:52PM

    You are looking so good! Way to go!

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WILD22 12/16/2010 10:28PM

    looking good! your hard work is paying off emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 12/16/2010 12:31PM

    Awesome! You look great!

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ABB698 12/16/2010 12:27PM

    Sounds like a great day! And you look FABULOUS!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Monday, December 13, 2010

Waking before the alarm always seems like a plus. Iím rested. Watching as the darkness turns to light is comforting. Listening to my own thoughts today in the quietness of the morning seemed overwhelming. How do I turn it off? The scale, again unkind, read - FAT. I quietly stepped off and gently put her away. Anxiety. Concern. Anger. Numbness. It seemed I walked in circles, caught in my own maze. Then I sat and I wrote. Dear Doc, some thing is wrong. I wait for a response. Mechanically I go through my routine. I walk 908 steps to reach my office, all the while listening to Eminem and Rihanna - I love the way you lie - how fitting. As I walked I tried to turn it off - my brain. That switch is broken.

Yesterday, with sleep in my eyes I made my way to the gym. Would I run? Yes. I lost myself inside my mind and I ran. The sweat dripped. My lungs were strong. My breath easy. My legs sturdy. I ran. When time ran out and the cool down phase started I cursed and thought - too short! Today. Right now, I wish I were running. Soon enough.

Until then I wait. Searching. Asking. Looking. I shall embrace the day and make it mine.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 12/16/2010 12:14PM

    I'm liking this new poetic side to your writing! Lovely!

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 12/14/2010 11:06AM

    Oh my gosh, my thoughts exactly!

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ENDUROVET 12/13/2010 2:19PM

    I wish I woke early each morning (at least an hour before my alarm, sometimes MUCH earlier!) bcz I was well-rested instead of my incompetent bladder!

All I'm trying to do this holiday season is hold steady - so far, so good w/clients bringing more homemade candy & cookies, chips & pretzel snacks oh me oh my!


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Friday, December 10, 2010

The littlest fur ball woke me up at 5:50 a.m. to play, but how can I be mad at a purring, loving ball of fluff - I can't. The scale was unkind today. Bloat! After a hot, nutritious breakfast including 6 glasses of water I slipped on my earphones - Usher and I walked to work. I took 877 steps to arrive at my office chair. The mist covered my coat and the fresh air filled my lungs - I took a deep breathe. Yes, it is another day, another dollar but today is mine and I will embrace it for all it's worth!


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