KT-NICHOLS-13   42,969
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Fear!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fear, when it takes hold it can be paralyzing and traumatic, if not dramatic. With fear comes the questions that start with, "What if ..." and it rolls downhill from there. I spend mental time pushing back up that hill when my fear takes hold, it gets old and it's a tiring process.

When I have to think twice about doing something it means fear, to some degree, has taken hold. I dislike it and it's uncomfortable. I like to think of myself as fearless and I've crafted that image in those around me but I am not. (Not to the degree that I'd like anyway.) Many times it's that image of how others see me that propels me to move forward and not let fear paralyze me.

Fear! It paralyzed me today and then I pushed back. I am officially registered for the Mermaid San Francisco Run - November 14th, 2010.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 10/19/2010 8:50PM

    Way to go girl.

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MANLEYSANDY 10/19/2010 7:19PM

    WOW, way to go!

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KITHKINCAID 10/19/2010 1:44PM

    Wahoo!!! Way to go!

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WILD22 10/18/2010 9:07PM

    Fear sucks! As LGJERS20 says you are not alone. I am proud of you for signing up for the run. You can do this. Set a realistic goal and aim on beating it. I can't wait to hear your feelings about the run. I am scared for mine and it isn't until March. emoticon

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KILLERQUEEN12 10/18/2010 8:28PM

    Good for you! In the past year, I've felt more fear than I think I ever have. I am working hard everyday to ease my fears. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone!

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Finding a New Goal

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sometime I get stuck and I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place. The spin has started so I want to kick it into gear now.

I feel like I've not worked out that much in the last two weeks but that just isn't true. AND, I can't let that way of thinking stick, it's too dangerous. While I was on the cruise I walked everywhere and all the time. I was so active that my legs and feet protested after 8+ hours of constant motion. Talk about feel the burn! After I returned I was fatigued beyond belief and then I was sick so I had to take some time off.

Yesterday the Mr and I went on a "urban" bike ride. His great plan when we left, "let's ride out to where you run." Hmmmm, sure I guess!???? Luckily I decided to pack a small snack and water - it was needed. I generally drop, throw, and blast a few F bombs while out riding and yesterday wasn't any different. Yeah, I know it's not very lady like and can be rude but the point gets across. A guy doing yard work heard one, I waved and apologized for my language ... he on the other hand stood laughing. The other times on the ride I sang out loud, the Mr nearly fell off his bike with that episode (I love to sign but was not blessed with the pipes). I couldn't help myself, I was in the moment. We made it to the place I like to run, stopped to have water and a snack and then decided we see if we could make it back home "a new way." After 14.5 miles, we made it! Mr asked how I felt and I replied, "my butt hates you! LOL." It was a good ride.

I found my stride and now I can't wait to run again. I think I've been missing it, so tomorrow I run. My energy is better so it should be all systems go.

Today, I decided I needed to find a new goal. When it comes to workouts, sometimes I need to chase the carrot on the stick to keep me going. Today, I started looking for my next 5K race which excites me and gives me anxiety all at the same time. This is the online site I found: www.runningintheusa.com/Default.aspx
I am seriously thinking about running a race on November 14 in San Francisco; The Mermaid Run. I have a few plans that weekend that I need to consider before making the commitment. I'll make the decision this week.

My future is up to me ...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 10/18/2010 1:57PM

    Do it!!! Makes such a difference when you're running FOR something. There's no way I would have pushed as hard to finish C25K unless I was running the race in 3 weeks.

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CRAZY4FELT 10/18/2010 9:30AM

    You are doing great. You are an inspiration to me, I can't wait until I get to the point where I am able to run or ride a bike. 14.5 miles is just unimaginable to me at this point in my journey. emoticon

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325, 274, 224, 244, 232.5 = It's a journey getting to165

Friday, October 15, 2010

It's Friday, my day to weigh-in, so I did. After my weigh-in and while I was taking my measurements I took a moment to reflect on my journey. It's been a long hard road for me and I've kicked, screamed, danced, cried, been angry, mourned, even laughed and felt so much more - it's a journey.

325 lbs. = my heaviest. This number was my OMG, what have you done moment. Then I took a good long look at myself in the mirror - I was still beautiful but I was lost in all the fat. I immediately started to change my ways!

274 lbs. = the day I started Curves. It was still a startling number when I joined but with a little motivation I came a long way. I'm no longer a member at Curves. I simply left when I'd found my own stride and joined a co-ed gym.

224 lbs. = the lowest weight that was recorded just a few years ago. I've been skinner, with pictures to prove it, but I do have to admit that I was not healthier. I felt unstoppable at 224. I felt on top of the world.

244 lbs. = the number that reflects the creep back up the scale even when I was doing all the things I was told were healthy but not understanding my body had changed. I started to learn that this journey is not a one size fits all program. This weight reflects confusion, fatigue, anger, resentment, a deep depression, jealousy and a new beginning. This number brought me back to my therapist which lead me to my journey with Doc seven months ago.

232.5 lbs. = my weight today. I've fought hard to climb back down that scale and there have been a lot of up and whole lot of down moments. In seven months I've lost 11.5 lbs., I'll take it. The things I've learned, discovered and been taught over this last seven months has brought me to a healthier me. I look healthy and I feel healthy.

It's a journey getting to 165 lbs. A journey I'm happy to continue.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KERPER79 10/18/2010 11:08PM

    Congrats & best of luck as you continue your journey to success.

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KITHKINCAID 10/15/2010 3:38PM

    You are so close to 100 pounds. That's amazing. And how nice is it to look back on your various weights and remember your journey?

Keep going friend - I look forward to seeing where your path takes you!

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WILD22 10/15/2010 2:07PM

    Slow and steady wins the race. Even though we know this isn't a race, but what you are winning is your life back. You are healthier and you are doing what works for you. I can very much relate to your journey. I have lost a similar amount in the same amount of time. I too have learned a lot and gained so inspirational friends along the way. You will win the inner war and conquer all that life throws at you.

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KAREBARE00 10/15/2010 1:46PM

    wow, that's an inspiring journey!
emoticon

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APATRICIAO521 10/15/2010 1:25PM

    Good for you... you are making progress and doing it your way! Be proud!

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MANLEYSANDY 10/15/2010 12:58PM

    Good for you....you are doing wonderful! emoticon

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TAMANI2 10/15/2010 12:42PM

  Thank you for sharing your journy with us. I am not good at all with journeling but would like to take a stab at it. This encourages me to just do it. emoticon

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HAPPY2BME4302 10/15/2010 12:37PM

    emoticon emoticon

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My body said, STOP

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Yesterday my corner of the world heated up again and I was miserable! By the end of the day I was fatigued to the point of tears, frustrated and just hot.

I kept thinking the heat was the cause of the problems. Then I thought maybe it was due to the fact that I had stopped taking my supplements so I can do one last test for Doc. Either way I was frustrated. I just wanted my energy and to go workout.

I went home and I crashed on the sofa. When I woke up an hour later the apartment was 79 degree's and I was frozen, the chills had set in. Something wasn't right, bleh! I checked my temp. and it ws 101.2 ... I put my sweats on and covered up with two blankets. Thankfully Mr took care of his own dinner and I stayed on the sofa. The next intense wave of chills I took my temp. again, it spiked to 102. 6, wow.

I took most of the today off to rest. I did some work from home and went into the office for an hour due some deadlines that had to be met. The rest of the time I slept.

I feel much better tonight and have been fever free for at least 4 hours. I think the worst is over. I've not been able to really eat but have kept something in my system so I don't completely go into starvation mode. Water has helped too.

Yesterday I felt guilty about not working out but sometimes my body just tells me to stop. Tomorrow I'll return to work. If the fatigue sets in again I'll come back home.

In our quest for health we need to stay in the moment and hear what our bodies are telling us. Sometimes I ignore the whisper and then all I can hear is the screams to slow down.

EDIT SINCE POST: Today, Thursday, October 14, I am feeling much better. The fever is gone and I have energy again. Plus, I'm back at work. My appetite is still off, nothing sounds or tastes good.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 10/14/2010 11:52AM

    Feel better! That sounds like not such a great night.

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SWELL10 10/14/2010 10:28AM

    Hope you're feeling better. We do need to listen to our bodies.

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Back from my Vacation

Monday, October 11, 2010

Time sure flies when you're having fun! A week ago today the Mr and I were at the airport, we were heading off on a 4-night cruise. We flew with Southwest airlines, cheap tickets and the bags fly free - that's important due to Mr being a clothes horse and known for over packing. I could feel the excitement radiating off Mr as we neared the ship. Going on cruise was on this top 5 list of things to do in his lifetime, he never thought it would happen. Oh how life has changed for him.

We had saved our pennies so we could celebrate our 2-year wedding anniversary on the high seas. Carnival cruise would take us from Long Beach, CA to Avalon, CA on Catalina Island to Ensenada, Mexico.

It's a well known fact that most people who "cruise" gain weight due to the 24-hour food service. I had my concerns but I also had a plan. My plan was to stay as active as possible and eat as if I were home. Plus, I'm not supposed to eat gluten, eggs, dairy and soy and if I stuck to that plan alone there would be lots and lots of food I couldn't eat. However, that didn't mean I'd be stuck eating salad all week either.

The staying active part ended up being painfully easy. We walked that cruise ship everyday and night like it was our own person walking track. Most of the time we skipped the elevator just to get where we were going faster - that meant lots of stairs. In Avalon Mr and I walked for an hour prior to my 2-hour walking tour (he went scuba diving) and then we walked another 90-minutes after lunch. Avalon is beautiful! In Ensenada we walked our tails off for hours too. We met up with a friend that lives there so our legs got a slight rest due to her having a car. My legs and feet ached so much at one point that I had to take two Tylenol pills but I just kept walking. I did take my workout clothes thinking I would make a trip to the ships gym or run on the outdoor track ... they were never used. One day I could have run on the track but I made the choice not to. My choice was based on being in constant motion and my muscles being fatigued to the point of spasms at night.

I was happy about my eating. I stayed completely away from the 24-hour pizza bar ... I mean, I wouldn't even go near it. The dessert bar was off limits too. Plus, my unspoken rule was - just because it's there and you can have unlimited amounts doesn't mean you have to eat it AND just because Mr is having a snack doesn't mean you need one too. It worked. The dinning at night was easier, I felt more in control - even though it's unlimited there too. I mean if you want an endless supply of lobster and shrimp you eat it until you have your fill. Crazy!!! I did try the pumpkin pie one night but it was not tasty so after one bite I pushed it away. On another night I tried the apple pie and enjoyed it.

The hardest thing for me on the cruise was what to drink. I've been on a cruise before and I knew the water would taste awful. I gave it a shot the first day - nope couldn't do it. I checked prices of bottled water and it topped out at $5 a bottle - nope couldn't afford it. The Mr and I don't drink alcohol so that option was out, thankfully. What's left? Either dehydration or soda. I picked soda, signed up for the soda program and soda is what I drank. The first day after arriving home I drank my weight in water - so refreshing. I've already quit soda, again, and keep chugging my water.

We had a blast on the ship and at shore! The next cruise will be to Alaska - sometime in 2011 or 2012.

I did weigh-in upon return and can happily say I did not gain weight while on the cruise. My plan worked!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAZY4FELT 10/12/2010 11:55AM

    That sounded like a very successful trip. I have never been on a cruise myself, but yours sure sounded great. I will have to start working on my MR. now to see if I can get him on board.

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LIBRARYLASS 10/11/2010 8:27PM

    That's awesome, good for you!! I just got back from a trip, too, but sadly I wasn't as successful as you were (although I'm hoping it's not as bad as it first looked). Congrats and happy anniversary!

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THATS_LOVELY101 10/11/2010 5:26PM

    WooHoo! I'm glad you had fun and were very aware of your health. I've never been on a cruise, but I want to go someday!

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KITHKINCAID 10/11/2010 3:03PM

    Hurray for not gaining! And hurray for a good vacation! I LOVE cruising. But I haven't cruised since starting Spark so I have a feeling it would be different now with the late night buffets off limits!

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