Monday, October 18, 2010
Fear, when it takes hold it can be paralyzing and traumatic, if not dramatic. With fear comes the questions that start with, "What if ..." and it rolls downhill from there. I spend mental time pushing back up that hill when my fear takes hold, it gets old and it's a tiring process.
When I have to think twice about doing something it means fear, to some degree, has taken hold. I dislike it and it's uncomfortable. I like to think of myself as fearless and I've crafted that image in those around me but I am not. (Not to the degree that I'd like anyway.) Many times it's that image of how others see me that propels me to move forward and not let fear paralyze me.
Fear! It paralyzed me today and then I pushed back. I am officially registered for the Mermaid San Francisco Run - November 14th, 2010.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sometime I get stuck and I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place. The spin has started so I want to kick it into gear now.
I feel like I've not worked out that much in the last two weeks but that just isn't true. AND, I can't let that way of thinking stick, it's too dangerous. While I was on the cruise I walked everywhere and all the time. I was so active that my legs and feet protested after 8+ hours of constant motion. Talk about feel the burn! After I returned I was fatigued beyond belief and then I was sick so I had to take some time off.
Yesterday the Mr and I went on a "urban" bike ride. His great plan when we left, "let's ride out to where you run." Hmmmm, sure I guess!???? Luckily I decided to pack a small snack and water - it was needed. I generally drop, throw, and blast a few F bombs while out riding and yesterday wasn't any different. Yeah, I know it's not very lady like and can be rude but the point gets across. A guy doing yard work heard one, I waved and apologized for my language ... he on the other hand stood laughing. The other times on the ride I sang out loud, the Mr nearly fell off his bike with that episode (I love to sign but was not blessed with the pipes). I couldn't help myself, I was in the moment. We made it to the place I like to run, stopped to have water and a snack and then decided we see if we could make it back home "a new way." After 14.5 miles, we made it! Mr asked how I felt and I replied, "my butt hates you! LOL." It was a good ride.
I found my stride and now I can't wait to run again. I think I've been missing it, so tomorrow I run. My energy is better so it should be all systems go.
Today, I decided I needed to find a new goal. When it comes to workouts, sometimes I need to chase the carrot on the stick to keep me going. Today, I started looking for my next 5K race which excites me and gives me anxiety all at the same time. This is the online site I found: www.runningintheusa.com/Default.aspx
I am seriously thinking about running a race on November 14 in San Francisco; The Mermaid Run. I have a few plans that weekend that I need to consider before making the commitment. I'll make the decision this week.
My future is up to me ...
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's Friday, my day to weigh-in, so I did. After my weigh-in and while I was taking my measurements I took a moment to reflect on my journey. It's been a long hard road for me and I've kicked, screamed, danced, cried, been angry, mourned, even laughed and felt so much more - it's a journey.
325 lbs. = my heaviest. This number was my OMG, what have you done moment. Then I took a good long look at myself in the mirror - I was still beautiful but I was lost in all the fat. I immediately started to change my ways!
274 lbs. = the day I started Curves. It was still a startling number when I joined but with a little motivation I came a long way. I'm no longer a member at Curves. I simply left when I'd found my own stride and joined a co-ed gym.
224 lbs. = the lowest weight that was recorded just a few years ago. I've been skinner, with pictures to prove it, but I do have to admit that I was not healthier. I felt unstoppable at 224. I felt on top of the world.
244 lbs. = the number that reflects the creep back up the scale even when I was doing all the things I was told were healthy but not understanding my body had changed. I started to learn that this journey is not a one size fits all program. This weight reflects confusion, fatigue, anger, resentment, a deep depression, jealousy and a new beginning. This number brought me back to my therapist which lead me to my journey with Doc seven months ago.
232.5 lbs. = my weight today. I've fought hard to climb back down that scale and there have been a lot of up and whole lot of down moments. In seven months I've lost 11.5 lbs., I'll take it. The things I've learned, discovered and been taught over this last seven months has brought me to a healthier me. I look healthy and I feel healthy.
It's a journey getting to 165 lbs. A journey I'm happy to continue.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Yesterday my corner of the world heated up again and I was miserable! By the end of the day I was fatigued to the point of tears, frustrated and just hot.
I kept thinking the heat was the cause of the problems. Then I thought maybe it was due to the fact that I had stopped taking my supplements so I can do one last test for Doc. Either way I was frustrated. I just wanted my energy and to go workout.
I went home and I crashed on the sofa. When I woke up an hour later the apartment was 79 degree's and I was frozen, the chills had set in. Something wasn't right, bleh! I checked my temp. and it ws 101.2 ... I put my sweats on and covered up with two blankets. Thankfully Mr took care of his own dinner and I stayed on the sofa. The next intense wave of chills I took my temp. again, it spiked to 102. 6, wow.
I took most of the today off to rest. I did some work from home and went into the office for an hour due some deadlines that had to be met. The rest of the time I slept.
I feel much better tonight and have been fever free for at least 4 hours. I think the worst is over. I've not been able to really eat but have kept something in my system so I don't completely go into starvation mode. Water has helped too.
Yesterday I felt guilty about not working out but sometimes my body just tells me to stop. Tomorrow I'll return to work. If the fatigue sets in again I'll come back home.
In our quest for health we need to stay in the moment and hear what our bodies are telling us. Sometimes I ignore the whisper and then all I can hear is the screams to slow down.
EDIT SINCE POST: Today, Thursday, October 14, I am feeling much better. The fever is gone and I have energy again. Plus, I'm back at work. My appetite is still off, nothing sounds or tastes good.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Time sure flies when you're having fun! A week ago today the Mr and I were at the airport, we were heading off on a 4-night cruise. We flew with Southwest airlines, cheap tickets and the bags fly free - that's important due to Mr being a clothes horse and known for over packing. I could feel the excitement radiating off Mr as we neared the ship. Going on cruise was on this top 5 list of things to do in his lifetime, he never thought it would happen. Oh how life has changed for him.
We had saved our pennies so we could celebrate our 2-year wedding anniversary on the high seas. Carnival cruise would take us from Long Beach, CA to Avalon, CA on Catalina Island to Ensenada, Mexico.
It's a well known fact that most people who "cruise" gain weight due to the 24-hour food service. I had my concerns but I also had a plan. My plan was to stay as active as possible and eat as if I were home. Plus, I'm not supposed to eat gluten, eggs, dairy and soy and if I stuck to that plan alone there would be lots and lots of food I couldn't eat. However, that didn't mean I'd be stuck eating salad all week either.
The staying active part ended up being painfully easy. We walked that cruise ship everyday and night like it was our own person walking track. Most of the time we skipped the elevator just to get where we were going faster - that meant lots of stairs. In Avalon Mr and I walked for an hour prior to my 2-hour walking tour (he went scuba diving) and then we walked another 90-minutes after lunch. Avalon is beautiful! In Ensenada we walked our tails off for hours too. We met up with a friend that lives there so our legs got a slight rest due to her having a car. My legs and feet ached so much at one point that I had to take two Tylenol pills but I just kept walking. I did take my workout clothes thinking I would make a trip to the ships gym or run on the outdoor track ... they were never used. One day I could have run on the track but I made the choice not to. My choice was based on being in constant motion and my muscles being fatigued to the point of spasms at night.
I was happy about my eating. I stayed completely away from the 24-hour pizza bar ... I mean, I wouldn't even go near it. The dessert bar was off limits too. Plus, my unspoken rule was - just because it's there and you can have unlimited amounts doesn't mean you have to eat it AND just because Mr is having a snack doesn't mean you need one too. It worked. The dinning at night was easier, I felt more in control - even though it's unlimited there too. I mean if you want an endless supply of lobster and shrimp you eat it until you have your fill. Crazy!!! I did try the pumpkin pie one night but it was not tasty so after one bite I pushed it away. On another night I tried the apple pie and enjoyed it.
The hardest thing for me on the cruise was what to drink. I've been on a cruise before and I knew the water would taste awful. I gave it a shot the first day - nope couldn't do it. I checked prices of bottled water and it topped out at $5 a bottle - nope couldn't afford it. The Mr and I don't drink alcohol so that option was out, thankfully. What's left? Either dehydration or soda. I picked soda, signed up for the soda program and soda is what I drank. The first day after arriving home I drank my weight in water - so refreshing. I've already quit soda, again, and keep chugging my water.
We had a blast on the ship and at shore! The next cruise will be to Alaska - sometime in 2011 or 2012.
I did weigh-in upon return and can happily say I did not gain weight while on the cruise. My plan worked!
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