Friday, October 22, 2010
Ah Friday morning weigh-in's, how I love to hate you! I'm numb this morning but I think that's from the fatigue I'm feeling and not the disappointing number on the scale.
I've done it all right this week; I've worked out, I've eaten well, I did not overdraw my calorie bank and I have slept my required 8+ hours a night. But something in the back of my mind told me to not surprised at the number on the scale. Good thing I had that thought! My reaction and comment as I stood on the scale was, "Oh, look I've gained two pounds, how F'n exciting is that." I wish to be out of the 230's ... I've been here way too long!
I'd like to say I'm used to this by now but I'm not. I'll never get used to doing it right and getting slapped with a gain. I'll never get used to the manic highs of losing weight and the depressive lows of a gain.
If I thought it would do any good I'd send Doc an e-mail but it would be more of the same both ways. Until my metabolism repairs its self I'll have moments like these. It takes time to heal ... mentally I just have to hold on. My test results from the last adrenal test should arrive to his office next week, which means a follow-up appointment. I'll know more then about where I'm at in the process/repair.
Today I not only mentally deal with the two pound gain but I am also dealing with fatigue. I was tired when I got up and it's been a slide down hill since then. I felt it coming on yesterday, which made me cranky. It's times like these that it doesn't matter how much I sleep I'll just be fatigued.
I don't know how to deal with all of this any better than white knuckling it so I hang on. I know it will pass, I just wonder how long this episode will take - Bleh!
Tonight I'm going to the gym no matter how tired I am. I want/need to put in time on running on the treadmill and also on the elliptical. I'm going to try to focus on the race I have coming up and running a personal best instead of getting bogged down in self pity.
Thoughts on my race:
Race day is November 14! That gives me 22 days to train and mentally prepare. Oh, I also need to figure out what I'm going to wear and start wearing those clothes when I run. Last night I was in the wrong outfit for running - I was Miss Tug and Pull the whole time. Plus, I need something for my ears, it will be cold and bit windy on the course. I spoke to Mr about checking out the course and finding my way there the morning of the race. I think we'll head into San Francisco this weekend to have a look see. Most of my anxiety comes from not know where I'm going on race day, I'll likely be alone so I don't need that added stress. My calf muscle feels better today so I anticipate the run going better tonight.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I just learned that the 5K race I'm going to run in November does not allow the use of an ipod. WHAT?! I have to admit, it freaks me out a little bit. Okay, it freaks me out a lot! Often times during a run it's my music that pulls me through to the end. I guess I swallow hard on this one and start training without music. No music on a treadmill will be difficult and painful, outside not so bad. At least outside I have nature to keep me occupied.
I also asked if they give out finisher medals - I'm realistic, I won't win - so I asked. Nope, they give finisher necklaces. I'll take it and add it to my 5K Bling-Bling - I've started a collection. Oh, plus I get a shirt, which I'll add to my race t-shirt collection and wear with pride.
It's race anxiety! I had it last race. I already have it for this one. To ease some of it Mr and I will drive into the city so I can find the location of the race, scout out where I can park and have a look see.
But REALLY, NO iPod!?!?!
EDIT AFTER POST: I'm still twisted in the in head about the no iPod restriction; however, I've reached out to another SP friend who runs ALL the time and I feel a bit better. His suggestion is to start training without the music. Yup, find the inner me and run. (insert deep breath) Good thing I like myself because I'm about to log some miles getting to know myself a bit better. In reality, this is an easy one - JUST DO IT! Well, I have to now, I'm committed to the race. HA!
FURTHER EDIT/UPDATE AFTER POST: Went to the gym tonight to run on the treadmill. I warmed up on the elliptical, all good, then I went to the treadmill. I ran without my iPod, it was strange. I did not go a full 5K tonight for the following reasons: my right calf muscle is tight and strained, Mr. Sniffles was on the machine next to me (he should have stayed home and I nearly told him so), and I just felt like stopping at 2 miles. Rather, I felt like stopping after 10 minutes but I kept going. It took me 31:18 minutes to run 2 miles ... I was totally off pace tonight. I'll try again tomorrow night.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fear, when it takes hold it can be paralyzing and traumatic, if not dramatic. With fear comes the questions that start with, "What if ..." and it rolls downhill from there. I spend mental time pushing back up that hill when my fear takes hold, it gets old and it's a tiring process.
When I have to think twice about doing something it means fear, to some degree, has taken hold. I dislike it and it's uncomfortable. I like to think of myself as fearless and I've crafted that image in those around me but I am not. (Not to the degree that I'd like anyway.) Many times it's that image of how others see me that propels me to move forward and not let fear paralyze me.
Fear! It paralyzed me today and then I pushed back. I am officially registered for the Mermaid San Francisco Run - November 14th, 2010.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sometime I get stuck and I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place. The spin has started so I want to kick it into gear now.
I feel like I've not worked out that much in the last two weeks but that just isn't true. AND, I can't let that way of thinking stick, it's too dangerous. While I was on the cruise I walked everywhere and all the time. I was so active that my legs and feet protested after 8+ hours of constant motion. Talk about feel the burn! After I returned I was fatigued beyond belief and then I was sick so I had to take some time off.
Yesterday the Mr and I went on a "urban" bike ride. His great plan when we left, "let's ride out to where you run." Hmmmm, sure I guess!???? Luckily I decided to pack a small snack and water - it was needed. I generally drop, throw, and blast a few F bombs while out riding and yesterday wasn't any different. Yeah, I know it's not very lady like and can be rude but the point gets across. A guy doing yard work heard one, I waved and apologized for my language ... he on the other hand stood laughing. The other times on the ride I sang out loud, the Mr nearly fell off his bike with that episode (I love to sign but was not blessed with the pipes). I couldn't help myself, I was in the moment. We made it to the place I like to run, stopped to have water and a snack and then decided we see if we could make it back home "a new way." After 14.5 miles, we made it! Mr asked how I felt and I replied, "my butt hates you! LOL." It was a good ride.
I found my stride and now I can't wait to run again. I think I've been missing it, so tomorrow I run. My energy is better so it should be all systems go.
Today, I decided I needed to find a new goal. When it comes to workouts, sometimes I need to chase the carrot on the stick to keep me going. Today, I started looking for my next 5K race which excites me and gives me anxiety all at the same time. This is the online site I found: www.runningintheusa.com/Default.aspx
I am seriously thinking about running a race on November 14 in San Francisco; The Mermaid Run. I have a few plans that weekend that I need to consider before making the commitment. I'll make the decision this week.
My future is up to me ...
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's Friday, my day to weigh-in, so I did. After my weigh-in and while I was taking my measurements I took a moment to reflect on my journey. It's been a long hard road for me and I've kicked, screamed, danced, cried, been angry, mourned, even laughed and felt so much more - it's a journey.
325 lbs. = my heaviest. This number was my OMG, what have you done moment. Then I took a good long look at myself in the mirror - I was still beautiful but I was lost in all the fat. I immediately started to change my ways!
274 lbs. = the day I started Curves. It was still a startling number when I joined but with a little motivation I came a long way. I'm no longer a member at Curves. I simply left when I'd found my own stride and joined a co-ed gym.
224 lbs. = the lowest weight that was recorded just a few years ago. I've been skinner, with pictures to prove it, but I do have to admit that I was not healthier. I felt unstoppable at 224. I felt on top of the world.
244 lbs. = the number that reflects the creep back up the scale even when I was doing all the things I was told were healthy but not understanding my body had changed. I started to learn that this journey is not a one size fits all program. This weight reflects confusion, fatigue, anger, resentment, a deep depression, jealousy and a new beginning. This number brought me back to my therapist which lead me to my journey with Doc seven months ago.
232.5 lbs. = my weight today. I've fought hard to climb back down that scale and there have been a lot of up and whole lot of down moments. In seven months I've lost 11.5 lbs., I'll take it. The things I've learned, discovered and been taught over this last seven months has brought me to a healthier me. I look healthy and I feel healthy.
It's a journey getting to 165 lbs. A journey I'm happy to continue.
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