Thursday, September 16, 2010
My Baby Steps in recovery.
First step, stop with the scale already!
I refused to get on my scale this morning, REFUSED! I realized earlier this week that I've been getting on her everyday for the last few weeks ... that's a no no in my world, it's a mental thing. My mood is severely altered by the number she flashes - I know this and I know better. To stop the madness today I went straight to the kitchen to take my supplements with two glasses of water. The first round of supplements require I take them 20 minutes before I eat. I won't get on the scale after drinking two glasses of water - again, it's a mental thing.
Second step, believe the people!
In the past two weeks I've had this question asked by two different men: "Are you SURE you aren't losing weight? It looks like you are." My step gets a pep when I take in this feed back. If my male friends are noticing and voicing it something has to be happening.
Plus, as I stood in all my glory last night the Mr couldn't help but blurt out, "You are getting skinny!"
In general, the men in my life say it how it is without the candy coating. I appreciate their honesty and their ability to just put it out there.
Third step, give credit!
I work my tail off, either in or out of the gym. I walk. I run. I use the elliptical. I go to step class. I ride my bike. I eat healthy. I stay away from my no no foods. I smile. I giggle. I work two jobs. I don't pretend to be who I am not. I allow myself mistakes and missteps. I am me.
I need to give myself credit for all I do and for all I am.
Fourth step, believe!
I need to believe in the process. I need to believe in my body and that it will change. I need to believe that all my hard work is worth every tear drop, every sweat drop, every minute, every dollar.
I need to believe that all the baby steps I'm taking now will land me at the finish line, MY finish line.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Ever write a long blog and then just sigh and hit delete? Yup, did that today!
My short version is below:
I heard back from Doc and he let me know that I'm basically still in the fix and repair stage. My metabolism has yet to recover. Apparently, it was that damaged. Once my metabolism is "reset" my hard work will be further rewarded on the scale and tape measure. I look forward to it!
I have another test to take which will tell Doc if we need to tweak the program or not. I hope to have the money for the test soon, insurance won't pay for it. Doc also suggested another supplement - liquid iodine to help jump start the weight loss.
It's hard to be patient about this process because I'm doing all the right things now and I still have to wait. I don't know when I'll be finished with the fix and repair stage so Doc will have to put up with my mini breakdowns.
I'll consult again with Doc after the test results are in. So it continues!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I love food and I love good food made well. I love to cook food. I love to experience new foods. I love fresh ingredients.
While out exploring the Mr and I stumbled upon this place, I was immediately excited!
I had a guilt free, gluten/wheat free sandwich made with tostones.
When I received my food I immediately wanted to go strap on an apron and go "help" the chef. I wanted to know all the tricks! Before we finished I was already plotting our return. The food was fabulous and didn't bog us down, rather it fueled us.
Research and learning how to make the Tostones has already begun!
Yup, I love food!
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Today was beyond frustrating and it started out with the scale. Yup, the scale scoffed at me and then coughed up a number this morning that was eye popping. I was immediately frustrated and went to the dark place in the recesses of my mind. I stayed there - remembering the familiar feel of the darkness.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? YUP
Am I frustrated? YUP
Before today, did I feel like the mind games and landmines were over? YUP
Was I wrong - about it all? YUP
As I allowed my mind to sit in the darkness I mentally wrote an email to Doc telling him how I was feeling at that moment. Did I want to scream and shout - you predicted something different and I listened - YUP!
Before I could log into my email account my boss engaged me in conversation and then asked, "Are you losing weight, again?" I smiled an evil smile and bit back, "Does it look like it, because the scale and tape measure sure are telling me a different story?" He looked me up and down and said, "yeah, it does look like it." I thanked him.
Humph! I ended up writing that email (and sending it) to Doc later today. It was a kinder, gentler version of what I wanted to say this morning but all points were made.
I am tired of doing the "right" thing, eating the "right" food, working my tail off for little if any result. I'm tired of promises made by professionals and the results fall short. I'm doing my part so when do I see the results.
The scale tips in one direction and then the other, the tape measure shows no love and my clothes fit the same. It doesn't seem to matter if I eat a spinach salad or fast food Chinese - the results are the same. So why did I give up the Chinese food and other beloved foods?
I'm so over this! Can I just get off the hamster wheel, I'm tired of going in circles!
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
I remember at a young age hearing my father tell someone, "KT does things because she thinks she has to." The statement itself is true but yet rubs against my independent core.
I bring this up due to the emotions I had last night at the gym. I love a good step class; my body is in constant motion, my lungs are working out, sweat drips off of me, the music is pumping and my brain has to let go of the day and focus on something new - what's not to love?! All that being said I go even when I'm not excited and I go because I think I have too. I work it just as hard on those days but the passion isn't there.
Well, yesterday was one of those days. I left the office to walk to the gym knowing there was step class and feeling like I had to go. I was frustrated by the time I walked in the door. Well, last night I finally did what I wanted to do at the gym, not what I felt like I had too. Instead of step class I climbed the elliptical, listened to my music and worked it out for 30 minutes on a high resistance level. I was a sweaty mess. When that ended I went to the treadmill for a 6 minute jog at a fast pace and added a slight incline. My body felt fabulous! My mind however kept thinking about step class.
One of my favorite professors in college used to say, "People don't like change, yet there are people out there who say they love it - until you ask them to change." It IS uncomfortable to change habits but it gets easier over time.
My habits at the gym are pretty routine except for my intensity levels which has increased 100%. My body needs to be surprised every time I put it in motion and that can't happen if I stick to the same workout schedule. I'll miss my beloved step class but I realized last night that I don't have to go to every session. I CAN explore other options and I can switch it up as long as I do it with intensity.
Here are a few other things I've changed over time:
Eating habits - enjoying whole foods vs. processed
Drinking habits - enjoying water vs. diet soda
Workouts - High intensity Workouts vs. slow and steady
Sugars - Natural vs. man made
Switching doctors to help with fatigue and better health
Speaking my mind even when my voice shakes (In general I'll say it like it is but this change has more to do with speaking from the heart and laying the emotion out on the table. That can be uncomfortable & exposing.)
Yeah, change is uncomfortable but when I play outside my box aka comfort zone I get to explore a whole new world that's bright, shiny and new.
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