Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I received a text message yesterday from a friend you said Lane Bryant was having a sale - 40% off everything and the sale ended today. I told the Mr. about it last night and he asked - as he grabbed his wallet, "when are we going?" I chuckled. We planned that he would pick me up at the office at 11:30 today and I would take an extended lunch hour. The nearest LB is 20 minutes away from my office, without traffic. All went as planned!
Now, I should confess - I usually shop alone. I get in and out without much fuss and when I'm with someone I find they piddle to much for my liking. I also should confess, I have never clothes shopped with a man before. So I wondered how it would go with the Mr. this first trip out. He wanted to go for two reasons, 1) make sure I bought something and 2) he really, really wanted to go. Interesting!
Well the "big" sale ended yesterday. Hmmph! The Mr. acted like my own personal shopper, it was hilarious and fun. I ended up with lots of fun stuff in fun colors. Some of the clothes I can wear for work and others I can wear on the cruise in October.
The Mr. said out loud that he thought it would have been better if I had taken the afternoon off to shop but I disagreed. I enjoy speed shopping. It either fits or it doesn't. It's either affordable or it's not. I either like the color or I don't. Simple.
In 40 minutes I walked out of the store with no less than 6 complete outfit options and change in my pocket. The Mr. was soooo very happy that I actually pampered myself and that I shall look fabulous on the cruise too.
He learned quickly that I have to try on everything and that pants are tough for me to buy. I have thick thighs and junk in the trunk so pants are always tough. He also learned that clothes for curvy women are not cheap unless radically discounted. I learned he has expensive taste and really enjoys color.
Everything I bought was already reduced by 50 to 75% but when the sales staff learned I was speed shopping on my lunch hour, where I drove in from and that I was misinformed on the 40% off sale they gave me an additional discount! Plus, I have an additional coupon to use, if I have the money, before I go on the cruise. I also have to add the LB store I was at had all new staff and where fabulous!
To end the fabulous trip, I ate a salad for lunch! All this in 90 minutes. I love speed shopping.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I love fruit (and veggies)! I love seasonal fruit so my center piece at home is ever changing. It's bright, colorful and edible - what could be better?!
Here's what it looks like this week.
I buy my fruit from a local stand that I walk by at least three, if not four times a day. He buys all the produce locally so it's like having a farmers market available everyday. The peaches and blackberries are most excellent at the moment.
My boss loves fruit as well so I am lucky enough to be allowed to buy all fresh fruit and some veggies for the office every week. I can't buy enough fruit ...
The Mr. figured out the other day that I eat my way through roughly 40 oz. of fresh spinach a week. WoW! That's a lot of spinach.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I recognize at 40 that my addiction to food came on early in life, probably by age 4. It controls me and sometimes it consumes me. Sometimes I can calm it and I take control.
The memories of the addiction from my early childhood still haunt me. Being caught while being consumed by it as child brought on shame and guilt. Even to this day when someone starts a sentence with, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to ...." I cringe and surround myself with walls of steel.
My addiction has taken me down some very lonely, dark and scary paths in life. Today I know, I had to go there to arrive here - to be the woman I am now. My addiction, when in control, has almost killed me and it most certainly buried me alive. I fought my way back from the edge and I started to heal. Even in that healing I feel myself slip, sometimes hanging on to the very edge trying not to fall into the darkness again. I pull from my bag of tricks that my therapist gave me and I regain my footing and I move forward.
Tonight the flood gates finally open as the song, Angel by Sarah McLachlan comes through the speakers and touches my soul so deeply that I can't stop the warm tears from sliding down my cheeks. I swallow hard but then I breath and just let them fall.
"Spend all your time waiting for the second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard, at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty, oh, and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."
Of late I can feel the slip - it's a slow slide which can often be the most scary. I believe it is being brought on by my choices in food. Since December 2009 I have let gluten back into my diet, just a bit here and there but enough that things are starting to change. My binge eating and secret eating increased at the same time. Along with all of that a slow slide into depression follows.
I received earlier this week a random e-mail from Doc about a program he his hosting in September about a gluten free diet. That email might as well been sent directly to me and only me .... I took it as a random sign in the universe. "Get it together woman!" Since that e-mail I have started a gluten-free diet again. I will attend the program as well ... a reminder to myself and a gift.
I've fought this addiction for a lifetime but I don't want to live as if it is a life sentence. I am an addict. Food is my drug. I use it. I abuse it. It can control me, it has controlled me. I take this journey minute by minute. Thanks for coming along on my ride!
This from the heart of an addict.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Bay Area has lost its fog for the last few days and the place is horribly hot and sticky. I don't enjoy the heat unless I'm sitting pool side or on a beach by the sea in my swimsuit. We don't "do" air conditioning in my little corner of the world, that's what the fog is for.
My office is not air conditioned and its hot with a hot breeze blowing through.
My apartment is not air conditioned and does not have a breeze at all.
My gym is not air conditioned and equally does not have a breeze.
My level of energy is at 10% - I'm miserable. I thought, at first, my energy was low due to the heat but in fact it is not. I feel the way I used to feel before I started working with Doc. The fatigue I feel goes to the bone and weighs heavy on my soul. My eyes feel like ten pounds of sand are pulling them down and my brain is fried. I went to sleep tired and I woke up after 8.5 hours tired. It's not normal. No one should experience this type of fatigue. To think, before I found Doc, this is how I lived my life for over a year. It's a wonder something bad didn't happen ...
The end of my work day is approaching, like a snail on a hot roadway, and I'll try to hang on. The boss is has been told of the problem, this is not something to hide or pretend away. I could break at any minute and the man does not "do" tears well.
The Mr. wants to go on a bike ride later tonight but that's on hold until I get home and see what shape I'm in. I can't go to step class, I've tried in the past when I'm like this and it does not go well. I do have plans to swim or should I say jump in a pool! That should help and it will be a good workout but I should disclose now - it won't be an over the top workout.
It's days like this that I remember what was but in all honesty I'd rather read an old blog post instead of physically experiencing it again.
If you know someone with a fatigue problem, it might go deeper than getting a good nights sleep.
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