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From the heart of an addict

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I recognize at 40 that my addiction to food came on early in life, probably by age 4. It controls me and sometimes it consumes me. Sometimes I can calm it and I take control.
The memories of the addiction from my early childhood still haunt me. Being caught while being consumed by it as child brought on shame and guilt. Even to this day when someone starts a sentence with, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to ...." I cringe and surround myself with walls of steel.

My addiction has taken me down some very lonely, dark and scary paths in life. Today I know, I had to go there to arrive here - to be the woman I am now. My addiction, when in control, has almost killed me and it most certainly buried me alive. I fought my way back from the edge and I started to heal. Even in that healing I feel myself slip, sometimes hanging on to the very edge trying not to fall into the darkness again. I pull from my bag of tricks that my therapist gave me and I regain my footing and I move forward.

Tonight the flood gates finally open as the song, Angel by Sarah McLachlan comes through the speakers and touches my soul so deeply that I can't stop the warm tears from sliding down my cheeks. I swallow hard but then I breath and just let them fall.

"Spend all your time waiting for the second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard, at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty, oh, and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."


Of late I can feel the slip - it's a slow slide which can often be the most scary. I believe it is being brought on by my choices in food. Since December 2009 I have let gluten back into my diet, just a bit here and there but enough that things are starting to change. My binge eating and secret eating increased at the same time. Along with all of that a slow slide into depression follows.

I received earlier this week a random e-mail from Doc about a program he his hosting in September about a gluten free diet. That email might as well been sent directly to me and only me .... I took it as a random sign in the universe. "Get it together woman!" Since that e-mail I have started a gluten-free diet again. I will attend the program as well ... a reminder to myself and a gift.

I've fought this addiction for a lifetime but I don't want to live as if it is a life sentence. I am an addict. Food is my drug. I use it. I abuse it. It can control me, it has controlled me. I take this journey minute by minute. Thanks for coming along on my ride!

This from the heart of an addict.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 8/30/2010 2:27PM

    Hey Lady - sorry for the triple comment - ugh. New phone and it apparently got excited about posting! You can delete the dupes though!

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KITHKINCAID 8/29/2010 12:38PM

    Love me some Sarah. I totally feel for you. Have courage. You'll come through it even better off on the other side.

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DESERTFLOWER8 8/29/2010 10:56AM

    OMG, I relate so deeply to every word you said; (including the song, which is one of my all time favorites..haunting and painful though it is)...

KT, this is a lifelong struggle. All we can do is do our best..vigilance is the watchword. And you are being vigilant now. You are aware of the slip, and are taking steps to catch it in its infancy. That is recovery. You are doing great. With vigilance , the addiction will never again OWN us. But we must remain the boss.You have the tools and the strength to remain in the management position. You will be fine...I KNOW it!!!!Lean on all of us when you need extra support..((((HUGS)))))

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SUMMERWINDS 8/29/2010 4:04AM

    Good luck to you on your continued success. It's always a struggle, I hear ya!

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The Bay Area has lost its fog

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Bay Area has lost its fog for the last few days and the place is horribly hot and sticky. I don't enjoy the heat unless I'm sitting pool side or on a beach by the sea in my swimsuit. We don't "do" air conditioning in my little corner of the world, that's what the fog is for.

My office is not air conditioned and its hot with a hot breeze blowing through.
My apartment is not air conditioned and does not have a breeze at all.
My gym is not air conditioned and equally does not have a breeze.

My level of energy is at 10% - I'm miserable. I thought, at first, my energy was low due to the heat but in fact it is not. I feel the way I used to feel before I started working with Doc. The fatigue I feel goes to the bone and weighs heavy on my soul. My eyes feel like ten pounds of sand are pulling them down and my brain is fried. I went to sleep tired and I woke up after 8.5 hours tired. It's not normal. No one should experience this type of fatigue. To think, before I found Doc, this is how I lived my life for over a year. It's a wonder something bad didn't happen ...

The end of my work day is approaching, like a snail on a hot roadway, and I'll try to hang on. The boss is has been told of the problem, this is not something to hide or pretend away. I could break at any minute and the man does not "do" tears well.

The Mr. wants to go on a bike ride later tonight but that's on hold until I get home and see what shape I'm in. I can't go to step class, I've tried in the past when I'm like this and it does not go well. I do have plans to swim or should I say jump in a pool! That should help and it will be a good workout but I should disclose now - it won't be an over the top workout.

It's days like this that I remember what was but in all honesty I'd rather read an old blog post instead of physically experiencing it again.

If you know someone with a fatigue problem, it might go deeper than getting a good nights sleep.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 8/24/2010 6:53PM

    Poor girl. You deserve a break and some rest, but good for you for plodding ahead!

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I don't want to stop sampling life!

Monday, August 23, 2010

I learned many years ago that self care is an important part of life and finding happiness. After allowing myself to put myself first I bought into that way of thinking. Then I lost sight of it after I got married. It's taken me about a year to figure out that self care IS still important.

My self care doesn't have a dollar amount attached to it and I often enjoy the little things in life over something grand. That being said, I also enjoy a good massage. I finally figured out how I can afford a monthly 60 minute massage and on occasion a 90 minute one. At first I felt guilty for taking the time and then for using that money - I'm over that guilt. LOL!

Sunday I received a 90 minute massage and then had a peaceful lunch wherein I ate my favorite salad. The massage was wonderful. My massage therapist knows her stuff and always finds those problem spots. My biggest problem area, at the moment, is my left thigh and then right behind it is the right one. I need to get those stretched out better.

Self care has allowed me to discover myself and open the dark rooms inside my brain. I'm a better person and wife when I allow for that me time. On Wednesday, I'm taking some additional "me" time. My batteries are low again and I need to reconnect with myself.

Sometimes on this journey to wellness I forget or shun living life. I get so set in my ways that I get in my own way. I don't want to stop exploring life, food, adventure and limits.

With Mr. being Jamaican I am exploring authentic Jamaican foods - the "country" food of Jamaica. It's not your typical "jerk" food. I often talk to his Auntie in Jamaica about different dishes and we trade recipes - sometimes with the help of Mr. (I still learning Patwa). I love to sample it and I love to cook it (not just Jamaican but any cuisine). I finally got Mr. to a small Jamaican place not far from home on Sunday. He was excited, over the top excited. I sampled it all ... it was fabulous, they got it right.

I don't want to stop sampling life!
I want to live life and explore it all.
My journey to wellness means exploring the physical and mental.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 8/24/2010 12:48AM

    Mmmm, massages and ethnic food - sounds perfect to me!

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BBGYRL4 8/23/2010 6:22PM

    I really liked this blog a lot! I love the fact that you want to sample life, especially since that's how life should be. You definitely need some you time where you can unwind and get your thoughts together so that you can be better and stronger in all other areas of your life. I'm totally jealous that you've found a way to work in a 60 massage once a month, I would LOVE to do that too! I hope that you enjoy yourself on Wednesday recharging your batteries.

Comment edited on: 8/23/2010 6:27:59 PM

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I got mad

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Well it was confirmed today, A.M. workouts just don't work for me but that's not really why I got mad.

After sleeping for 9 hours, a blessing, I had a glass of water, washed the sleep out of my eyes, ate a banana and walked to the gym. (It was foggy and cold) I wanted to get a good workout in before heading off to my Saturday job. It's rare that I workout on Saturday if I have to work but I was determined.

I decided to give my W8D1 of C25K a try ... TOUGH! That added three minutes might as well been three hours. I accomplished a 15 minute mile! That made me happy. I got mad due to watching the clock and feeling like time was standing still. Plus, I just want it to be easier. A lot of nasty/dirty words went through my mind today and I finally had to tell myself to shut up! Shut up and do it. I had to remind myself over and over why I was really doing this. Finally at the 5 minute mark my mind went blank. I jogged and at 3 minutes I finally increased the speed. I keep hoping conditioning will ease my discomfort and make things easier!

I can report that my breathing is easier while I run and today my outer upper thigh muscle was not screaming during or after the jog. An improvement!

So, I started off this blog saying that A.M. workouts just don't work for me. It's true! I generally workout in the afternoon or early evening and I feel great during and after. When I workout in the mornings I am left feeling fatigued and drained of all energy. Even my boss noticed the change in my energy. He confessed that he can't workout in the A.M. either. I found it interesting and will continue to listen to my body ...

I ended up taking a nap after work, which I loved. I ate within my calorie range too. A successful Saturday!


Here's what I learned

Friday, August 20, 2010

I managed to make it to the gym yesterday, it was difficult because it was so nice out that I had the urge to walk away the early evening hours outside.

The workout was fabulous ... walking, elliptical, step class, upper body ST and Ab work - plus, I stretched. Very nice!

Here's what I learned:
** I need to come up with an upper body ST plan. My upper body muscles are weak, I don't like that feeling. So, I'm working on a short program to start with.
** Stretching feels good! I asked my step instructor about a good stretch for my upper/outer thigh/hip muscles. She demonstrated a great one!
** I disclosed to her that I most often experience muscle fatigue and throbbing in my upper/outer thigh/hip muscles while I'm jogging. She was concerned. We did a Q&A session and she gave me some pointers on proper jogging form but in the end we thought it best I go to my Chiropractor to get checked. Apparently what I am experiencing is "odd."

Onto weight loss:
NEWS FLASH: I lost a pound & an inch on my stomach.
The mid-week peek was not real after all. When I did a review of my nutrition tracker I note that I took in 52 grams of fiber in one day and did not match that with enough water/liquid. The pipes were clogged. I'm heavy on fiber anyway but that was just too much for the body to process immediately - causing what appeared to be a 5 lb weight gain. My body has adjusted and I increased my water intake to almost double.

The weekend is coming upon me fast.
I want to be more active.
I want to play in the sun and laugh!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANLEYSANDY 8/23/2010 6:59PM

    Congrats on the pound! Keep it up!

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BBGYRL4 8/20/2010 11:45PM

    Good for you that you made it to the gym! I know that the most difficult part is getting yourself there, the rest can be somewhat easier.
I think that it's good that you were able to speak to Step instructor about a few things, it's always great to have someone to go to. Are there any personal trainers in your gym that you might be able to speak to about devoloping an upper body ST program for you?
Congratulations on losing weight and inches, that's awesome!! Good for you that you were able to figure out what was going on with the fiber. You're doing a great job keep up the good work!!

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