Sunday, August 29, 2010
I recognize at 40 that my addiction to food came on early in life, probably by age 4. It controls me and sometimes it consumes me. Sometimes I can calm it and I take control.
The memories of the addiction from my early childhood still haunt me. Being caught while being consumed by it as child brought on shame and guilt. Even to this day when someone starts a sentence with, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to ...." I cringe and surround myself with walls of steel.
My addiction has taken me down some very lonely, dark and scary paths in life. Today I know, I had to go there to arrive here - to be the woman I am now. My addiction, when in control, has almost killed me and it most certainly buried me alive. I fought my way back from the edge and I started to heal. Even in that healing I feel myself slip, sometimes hanging on to the very edge trying not to fall into the darkness again. I pull from my bag of tricks that my therapist gave me and I regain my footing and I move forward.
Tonight the flood gates finally open as the song, Angel by Sarah McLachlan comes through the speakers and touches my soul so deeply that I can't stop the warm tears from sliding down my cheeks. I swallow hard but then I breath and just let them fall.
"Spend all your time waiting for the second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard, at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty, oh, and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."
Of late I can feel the slip - it's a slow slide which can often be the most scary. I believe it is being brought on by my choices in food. Since December 2009 I have let gluten back into my diet, just a bit here and there but enough that things are starting to change. My binge eating and secret eating increased at the same time. Along with all of that a slow slide into depression follows.
I received earlier this week a random e-mail from Doc about a program he his hosting in September about a gluten free diet. That email might as well been sent directly to me and only me .... I took it as a random sign in the universe. "Get it together woman!" Since that e-mail I have started a gluten-free diet again. I will attend the program as well ... a reminder to myself and a gift.
I've fought this addiction for a lifetime but I don't want to live as if it is a life sentence. I am an addict. Food is my drug. I use it. I abuse it. It can control me, it has controlled me. I take this journey minute by minute. Thanks for coming along on my ride!
This from the heart of an addict.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Bay Area has lost its fog for the last few days and the place is horribly hot and sticky. I don't enjoy the heat unless I'm sitting pool side or on a beach by the sea in my swimsuit. We don't "do" air conditioning in my little corner of the world, that's what the fog is for.
My office is not air conditioned and its hot with a hot breeze blowing through.
My apartment is not air conditioned and does not have a breeze at all.
My gym is not air conditioned and equally does not have a breeze.
My level of energy is at 10% - I'm miserable. I thought, at first, my energy was low due to the heat but in fact it is not. I feel the way I used to feel before I started working with Doc. The fatigue I feel goes to the bone and weighs heavy on my soul. My eyes feel like ten pounds of sand are pulling them down and my brain is fried. I went to sleep tired and I woke up after 8.5 hours tired. It's not normal. No one should experience this type of fatigue. To think, before I found Doc, this is how I lived my life for over a year. It's a wonder something bad didn't happen ...
The end of my work day is approaching, like a snail on a hot roadway, and I'll try to hang on. The boss is has been told of the problem, this is not something to hide or pretend away. I could break at any minute and the man does not "do" tears well.
The Mr. wants to go on a bike ride later tonight but that's on hold until I get home and see what shape I'm in. I can't go to step class, I've tried in the past when I'm like this and it does not go well. I do have plans to swim or should I say jump in a pool! That should help and it will be a good workout but I should disclose now - it won't be an over the top workout.
It's days like this that I remember what was but in all honesty I'd rather read an old blog post instead of physically experiencing it again.
If you know someone with a fatigue problem, it might go deeper than getting a good nights sleep.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I learned many years ago that self care is an important part of life and finding happiness. After allowing myself to put myself first I bought into that way of thinking. Then I lost sight of it after I got married. It's taken me about a year to figure out that self care IS still important.
My self care doesn't have a dollar amount attached to it and I often enjoy the little things in life over something grand. That being said, I also enjoy a good massage. I finally figured out how I can afford a monthly 60 minute massage and on occasion a 90 minute one. At first I felt guilty for taking the time and then for using that money - I'm over that guilt. LOL!
Sunday I received a 90 minute massage and then had a peaceful lunch wherein I ate my favorite salad. The massage was wonderful. My massage therapist knows her stuff and always finds those problem spots. My biggest problem area, at the moment, is my left thigh and then right behind it is the right one. I need to get those stretched out better.
Self care has allowed me to discover myself and open the dark rooms inside my brain. I'm a better person and wife when I allow for that me time. On Wednesday, I'm taking some additional "me" time. My batteries are low again and I need to reconnect with myself.
Sometimes on this journey to wellness I forget or shun living life. I get so set in my ways that I get in my own way. I don't want to stop exploring life, food, adventure and limits.
With Mr. being Jamaican I am exploring authentic Jamaican foods - the "country" food of Jamaica. It's not your typical "jerk" food. I often talk to his Auntie in Jamaica about different dishes and we trade recipes - sometimes with the help of Mr. (I still learning Patwa). I love to sample it and I love to cook it (not just Jamaican but any cuisine). I finally got Mr. to a small Jamaican place not far from home on Sunday. He was excited, over the top excited. I sampled it all ... it was fabulous, they got it right.
I don't want to stop sampling life!
I want to live life and explore it all.
My journey to wellness means exploring the physical and mental.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Well it was confirmed today, A.M. workouts just don't work for me but that's not really why I got mad.
After sleeping for 9 hours, a blessing, I had a glass of water, washed the sleep out of my eyes, ate a banana and walked to the gym. (It was foggy and cold) I wanted to get a good workout in before heading off to my Saturday job. It's rare that I workout on Saturday if I have to work but I was determined.
I decided to give my W8D1 of C25K a try ... TOUGH! That added three minutes might as well been three hours. I accomplished a 15 minute mile! That made me happy. I got mad due to watching the clock and feeling like time was standing still. Plus, I just want it to be easier. A lot of nasty/dirty words went through my mind today and I finally had to tell myself to shut up! Shut up and do it. I had to remind myself over and over why I was really doing this. Finally at the 5 minute mark my mind went blank. I jogged and at 3 minutes I finally increased the speed. I keep hoping conditioning will ease my discomfort and make things easier!
I can report that my breathing is easier while I run and today my outer upper thigh muscle was not screaming during or after the jog. An improvement!
So, I started off this blog saying that A.M. workouts just don't work for me. It's true! I generally workout in the afternoon or early evening and I feel great during and after. When I workout in the mornings I am left feeling fatigued and drained of all energy. Even my boss noticed the change in my energy. He confessed that he can't workout in the A.M. either. I found it interesting and will continue to listen to my body ...
I ended up taking a nap after work, which I loved. I ate within my calorie range too. A successful Saturday!
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