Tuesday, October 20, 2009
It really is time to wake up and manage my weight and daily activities, which includes eating.
My doctor's visit today opened my eyes to the fact that - yes, I have put on a few pounds - 6 to be exact! I am never sure of the numbers, only get a peek when I go to the doctor and they insist on weighing me in.
I knew, inside my own head, that I had put on a few pounds when I finally admitted that I was "policing" photograph's of me. I never said anything out loud, mostly because I wanted to believe my husband and friends when they kept telling me I look fabulous and MUST be loosing more weight. Secretly I knew, it was not true, I had not lost more weight.
I can't eat everything, it's not a secret in my world and moderation with some foods does not exist. Not with me. I have trigger foods and I need to stay far away from them but I push it sometimes and go there anyway. There are foods I just shouldn't eat because my doctor tells me my body is allergic but I push it sometimes and go there .... waiting to see. My husband doesn't really eat veggies so I either cook them for myself or not, lately it's been not. Which is really stupid because I love veggies and they take no time at all to cook.
The one thing I have never let up on is my attendance at the gym. I have my set days and my set classes and I go! I love the work-outs and I love seeing the regular people. This dedication might be my one saving grace to only finding 6 pounds instead of 26! HA!
Really, I have lost sight of who I am and what I made myself into and where I want to be! I blinded myself and today I started to rip off the blindfold. Enough!
I promise myself to use SP more than FB.
I promise cook and eat my veggies.
I promise to stay away from the foods that trigger me into being an eating machine.
I promise to stay away from the foods that my body just can't tolerate.
I promise to stop policing my photo's and to embrace who I am today!
I promise to put my health first to wake up!
Watch me go ...
Thursday, October 08, 2009
I read this article in horror .... it is a bit long but very informative about another culture and the views on being fat and being force fed.
I couldn't figure out how to make this link a click and read so you'll have to cut and paste.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
If I didn't care this blog would be different.
If I didn't care I probably wouldn't be a member of SP.
If I didn't care I likely wouldn't be a member at a gym.
If I didn't care I wouldn't feel like this.
If I didn't care I wouldn't weigh, measure and watch EVERYTHING I eat.
If I didn't care I wouldn't be so angry.
Problem is - I do care.
Today was a day of "what now!"
I was stuck at the office all day due to someone else not making their deadline - Twice they missed the deadlines set!
I only had peanut butter and a rice cake for lunch - not near enough.
I choose to run errands when I did get a break - should have decompressed in other ways.
I was late to my step class by nearly 10 minutes due to someone else making demands and I didn't just walk away. Plus, the street parking just left me in circles.
I left step class after only 10 minutes of participation due to lack of motivation, anger and no concentration. (I blamed the routine, which we have done for 2 weeks now - but it really was my attitude)
I went to another part of the gym and work-out for 10 minutes, broke a sweat and then packed it in and left. I should have went to the sauna and just relaxed.
Now I sit at my computer at home - frustrated and angry.
You see, with all the events of today that lead up to this moment, the one that sticks out in my mind is .... I looked in the mirror while working out and saw a sight I didn't like. I cursed myself at that moment and I felt sick.
I struggle to embrace my body.
I struggle to just move with the process.
I struggle to believe my doctors when they say, "let's try this, it will help" (I've come to believe they have no idea how to help me.)
I struggle to hear others when they say I look great and I must be losing more weight.
I struggle not to be over powered by my own anger and frustration.
I struggle not to take it out on all those around me.
I struggle not to buy a bigger size of clothes.
I struggle not to cry over it.
I struggle to just keep moving.
I just struggle .... daily.
What I struggle with most is not to become what I fear the most - a sad, fat, and angry woman.
You see, If I didn't care, it would all be different. But I do, I do care - I'm cursed that way.
I care how I look.
I care how I feel.
I care how my clothes fit.
I care how I feel when I work-out.
I care about myself.
I care to live a long healthy life.
I care ....
Tomorrow is a new day - a day I will make my own and not let the "what now" get in my way.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I've noticed a change in procedure at most of my doctor's offices, they no longer tell me they are going to weigh me, they ask if I'd liked to be weighed.
When asked I usually bit my tongue, while thinking, "no, no I don't want to be weighed - I have no real interest in having my day start off on a bad note because of a number on a scale. AND, I haven't went to the bathroom in case you needed a "sample" and I ate breakfast .... plus, I don't have the right clothes on to get weighed (I'd rather be in my birthday suit, thanks)."
What ends up coming out is, "no thanks, let's just keep that a secret".
I've been to the doctor a little more than usual (nothing serious) and the nurse usually smiles and responds with a chipper, Okay. But the last time I was there they didn't think it was so cute .... I got weighed. The same thought went through my head as I was, at the very least taking off my shoes, and getting ready for the weigh-in. I took a deep breath, stepped on the scale and looked to the heavens. I REALLY didn't want to know the number.
In the end I looked .... not at the scale but at my chart when sitting in the "little room", in all my glory, waiting for the doctor to come in. The number - 238 lbs.
Okay, I didn't fall off the table and I didn't burst into flames OR tears. I set an immediate goal - you have 1 month to lose 5 lbs. - make it happen girl!
In one month I'll be back at the doctors office and I won't ask them to keep it a secret .... I'll just be better prepared (and dressed) and step on the scale.
Better to know the truth then hide from what I think it might be!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My husband and I went away for the weekend, just across the bay to San Francisco. We stayed at The Monaco .... a fabulous place!!
Not wanting to miss an opportunity to play in a swimming pool I checked their website, they noted they did not have one. However, upon check-in we were told the spa hot tub was open from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. I immediately looked at my husband and asked if he brought something to wear in a hot tub, he had - "just in case". I had not.
After getting settled in our room I announced we should go out for a walk and see if I could find a bathing suit. After all, I didn't want to drive all the way back home to get mine - we were already settled, and I didn't want to miss the hot tub.
Off we went .... I had in my mind that we would check Old Navy first, it was close enough and I knew would have good prices, IF they had something that fit. See, I knew years ago that Old Navy took out their plus size clothes from their retail outlets and only carried an XXL as their biggest. I silently prayed.
Once in the store I asked where the bathing suits could be found and was told "around the corner." When I rounded the corner all I saw was a giant rack of string bikini's - all I could do was laugh and say to my husband, "well, I won't be wearing any of those." He then pointed at another rack that had one piece suits .... I took a deep breath and searched the rack. I found an L, XL, and XXL and took them all to the dressing room.
To my utter surprise and joy the XXL fit and was a low price of $8.99! Score!!
I wore that bathing suit with pride, after all, I bought it "off the rack" at store made for "the skinny" people.
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