Monday, June 07, 2010
It has become more clear to me that there is an internal and external component to this weight loss journey.
The internal, for me, is finding a place of peace within my heart, mind and soul. To except who it is that I was, am and will grow to be. Find the strength and courage to continue down a path that will lead to health and well being even when it feels I'm on the path alone. Finding the will to go it alone and to celebrate my own victories no matter how big or small. Internally I must know and recognize that I am fabulous and capable of doing great and wonderful things ... for myself AND the world.
I felt utterly alone this weekend even in a sea of people and a party of friends. I took notice of that and I was saddened but resolved at the realization. I was raised to be a strong, independent, loving, and giving woman and I believe I've succeeded on every level. I don't ask much of those around me and maybe that's my down fall - if you ask for little you'll receive just that - little in return.
This brings me to the External. The external is when we, or rather I, go searching for the external approval or that small "way to go kid." Again this weekend I looked around for that, the approval or the reassurance from the outside that I am fabulous and have accomplished fabulous things. When it didn't come I felt my heart harden just a little bit.
I question over and over, why keep giving if what you receive in the end is another hand stretching out for a little more please? How can it be that the very gift of love and support go without return? How is it the very thing you crave from others is what you give them but not always to yourself? Better yet, why search for the external approval at all? Why look to others when what you have within?
A lot of people in my world let me down this weekend and I'm not sure how to deal with those emotions quit yet. I do know that much love and support was given by my SP friends and for that I am eternally grateful.
Internal vs. External Approval - I think we all need both but I struggle with it today.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Today was the day . . . I was up at 5:33 a.m. getting ready. We left the house at 7:15 a.m. so I could get my timing chip and get the feel for the race. I was completely out of my comfort zone but I just went with the flow.
I had decided before leaving the house I would take my jacket - the route is known for a cold breeze due to being right on the bay but to be honest, I wasn't worried about the cold. I was worried that my tummy would just be out there for all to see - my outfit is form fitting. HOWEVER, once we pulled up and I got out the car and witnessed the sea of women I tossed my jacket back into the car and didn't look back!
It was so amazing to see that many women in all different shapes, sizes and fitness levels all in one place with a common goal and no judgments about one another. I walked around, somewhat in a daze to take it all in. A woman from my gym stopped me and we giggled for a minute and I learned she was running the half marathon and she learned I was competing in the 5K. I'm sure we'll have stories to share next we see each other at the gym.
The half marathon runners took off at 8:00 a.m. and we 5K ladies took off at 8:30 a.m. My nerves were off the charts. When it was time my body just took off. I jogged and I felt fabulous! I had envisioned only walking the race but with all the energy of the crowd my body wouldn't be stopped. I found my pace and ended up jogging much of the course.
I was thankful for not having my jacket too - it was HOT! I was sticky and sweaty about a half mile in. Oh, and I didn't give a hoot about my tummy, I was too proud of myself!
Did I mention the amazing feeling I was experiencing. I was taking in so much that I forgot to turn my MP3 player on until mile one was complete. I just kept thinking, "these women are amazing and I'm here, I'm actually here jogging and walking with them!"
Here are a few pictures that captured my moments:
7:15 a.m., leaving the house for the race
The runners at the starting point
Me at the starting line
Me at the finish
To be frank that last bit of the race I was ready to collapse but I finished with a sprint - I had to finish big. Once I crossed the finish line I started to cry. I couldn't help it - my emotions just bubbled over. I cried out of joy and pride. I had done it!
My official time: 49 minutes 34 seconds
A personal best by 4 minutes!
Friday, June 04, 2010
Stiff, Sore and Bloated - I'm not off to a good start today. How can I make it better?
My last two workouts have been over the top so I'm sore. I feel muscles that have been dormant way to long. Solution, keep gently stretching and tonight take an epsom salt hot soke. Those two things together should help with the soreness and some of the stiffness.
Tomorrow, after the 5K, I am going to have a massage too - a special treat!
I need to keep moving today, being at rest won't help with the stiffness. The key is to take it slow and easy.
Bloated, hate this feeling. The weather here is muggy and I did the math - my TOM is coming next week. So starts the bloating and temporary weight gain, yup I'm already up in numbers. I plan on staying hydrated, taking in more than my usual 64 oz. in a day.
I recognize this as all normal and with my plan of action there is no drama a brewing in my head. Today, I won't be sidetracked mentally because my body is reacting to uncomfortable changes.
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