Tuesday, September 29, 2009
If I didn't care this blog would be different.
If I didn't care I probably wouldn't be a member of SP.
If I didn't care I likely wouldn't be a member at a gym.
If I didn't care I wouldn't feel like this.
If I didn't care I wouldn't weigh, measure and watch EVERYTHING I eat.
If I didn't care I wouldn't be so angry.
Problem is - I do care.
Today was a day of "what now!"
I was stuck at the office all day due to someone else not making their deadline - Twice they missed the deadlines set!
I only had peanut butter and a rice cake for lunch - not near enough.
I choose to run errands when I did get a break - should have decompressed in other ways.
I was late to my step class by nearly 10 minutes due to someone else making demands and I didn't just walk away. Plus, the street parking just left me in circles.
I left step class after only 10 minutes of participation due to lack of motivation, anger and no concentration. (I blamed the routine, which we have done for 2 weeks now - but it really was my attitude)
I went to another part of the gym and work-out for 10 minutes, broke a sweat and then packed it in and left. I should have went to the sauna and just relaxed.
Now I sit at my computer at home - frustrated and angry.
You see, with all the events of today that lead up to this moment, the one that sticks out in my mind is .... I looked in the mirror while working out and saw a sight I didn't like. I cursed myself at that moment and I felt sick.
I struggle to embrace my body.
I struggle to just move with the process.
I struggle to believe my doctors when they say, "let's try this, it will help" (I've come to believe they have no idea how to help me.)
I struggle to hear others when they say I look great and I must be losing more weight.
I struggle not to be over powered by my own anger and frustration.
I struggle not to take it out on all those around me.
I struggle not to buy a bigger size of clothes.
I struggle not to cry over it.
I struggle to just keep moving.
I just struggle .... daily.
What I struggle with most is not to become what I fear the most - a sad, fat, and angry woman.
You see, If I didn't care, it would all be different. But I do, I do care - I'm cursed that way.
I care how I look.
I care how I feel.
I care how my clothes fit.
I care how I feel when I work-out.
I care about myself.
I care to live a long healthy life.
I care ....
Tomorrow is a new day - a day I will make my own and not let the "what now" get in my way.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I've noticed a change in procedure at most of my doctor's offices, they no longer tell me they are going to weigh me, they ask if I'd liked to be weighed.
When asked I usually bit my tongue, while thinking, "no, no I don't want to be weighed - I have no real interest in having my day start off on a bad note because of a number on a scale. AND, I haven't went to the bathroom in case you needed a "sample" and I ate breakfast .... plus, I don't have the right clothes on to get weighed (I'd rather be in my birthday suit, thanks)."
What ends up coming out is, "no thanks, let's just keep that a secret".
I've been to the doctor a little more than usual (nothing serious) and the nurse usually smiles and responds with a chipper, Okay. But the last time I was there they didn't think it was so cute .... I got weighed. The same thought went through my head as I was, at the very least taking off my shoes, and getting ready for the weigh-in. I took a deep breath, stepped on the scale and looked to the heavens. I REALLY didn't want to know the number.
In the end I looked .... not at the scale but at my chart when sitting in the "little room", in all my glory, waiting for the doctor to come in. The number - 238 lbs.
Okay, I didn't fall off the table and I didn't burst into flames OR tears. I set an immediate goal - you have 1 month to lose 5 lbs. - make it happen girl!
In one month I'll be back at the doctors office and I won't ask them to keep it a secret .... I'll just be better prepared (and dressed) and step on the scale.
Better to know the truth then hide from what I think it might be!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My husband and I went away for the weekend, just across the bay to San Francisco. We stayed at The Monaco .... a fabulous place!!
Not wanting to miss an opportunity to play in a swimming pool I checked their website, they noted they did not have one. However, upon check-in we were told the spa hot tub was open from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. I immediately looked at my husband and asked if he brought something to wear in a hot tub, he had - "just in case". I had not.
After getting settled in our room I announced we should go out for a walk and see if I could find a bathing suit. After all, I didn't want to drive all the way back home to get mine - we were already settled, and I didn't want to miss the hot tub.
Off we went .... I had in my mind that we would check Old Navy first, it was close enough and I knew would have good prices, IF they had something that fit. See, I knew years ago that Old Navy took out their plus size clothes from their retail outlets and only carried an XXL as their biggest. I silently prayed.
Once in the store I asked where the bathing suits could be found and was told "around the corner." When I rounded the corner all I saw was a giant rack of string bikini's - all I could do was laugh and say to my husband, "well, I won't be wearing any of those." He then pointed at another rack that had one piece suits .... I took a deep breath and searched the rack. I found an L, XL, and XXL and took them all to the dressing room.
To my utter surprise and joy the XXL fit and was a low price of $8.99! Score!!
I wore that bathing suit with pride, after all, I bought it "off the rack" at store made for "the skinny" people.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Today I recognized a few improvements in my world:
1) I am not on "patrol" in the kitchen as much these days;
2) My soda cravings are way down, I've been soda free for 3-ish months (Woo Hoo);
3) I ask friends for help if I am feeling weak and unmotivated;
4) I am not "obsessing" about food;
5) Protein has increased dramatically in my diet;
6) My food allergies are manageable without being depriving;
7) My weight is still the same but I still firmly believe I'm curvy and fabulous!
It's the little things that help push me along . . . self care and awareness are wonderful!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
How do I not allow myself to go off track when living with my husband who loves me just the way I am? Which includes Womanly Curves and a big butt . . .
How do I not allow myself to go off track when he eats what he wants, when he wants?
How do I not "secretly" eat because I feel I "should not" eat it in front of him, even when he doesn't care?
How do I ask for help when he doesn't think I should be so intense about food?
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