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If I didn't care ....

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

If I didn't care this blog would be different.
If I didn't care I probably wouldn't be a member of SP.
If I didn't care I likely wouldn't be a member at a gym.
If I didn't care I wouldn't feel like this.
If I didn't care I wouldn't weigh, measure and watch EVERYTHING I eat.
If I didn't care I wouldn't be so angry.

Problem is - I do care.

Today was a day of "what now!"
I was stuck at the office all day due to someone else not making their deadline - Twice they missed the deadlines set!
I only had peanut butter and a rice cake for lunch - not near enough.
I choose to run errands when I did get a break - should have decompressed in other ways.
I was late to my step class by nearly 10 minutes due to someone else making demands and I didn't just walk away. Plus, the street parking just left me in circles.
I left step class after only 10 minutes of participation due to lack of motivation, anger and no concentration. (I blamed the routine, which we have done for 2 weeks now - but it really was my attitude)
I went to another part of the gym and work-out for 10 minutes, broke a sweat and then packed it in and left. I should have went to the sauna and just relaxed.
Now I sit at my computer at home - frustrated and angry.

You see, with all the events of today that lead up to this moment, the one that sticks out in my mind is .... I looked in the mirror while working out and saw a sight I didn't like. I cursed myself at that moment and I felt sick.

I struggle to embrace my body.
I struggle to just move with the process.
I struggle to believe my doctors when they say, "let's try this, it will help" (I've come to believe they have no idea how to help me.)
I struggle to hear others when they say I look great and I must be losing more weight.
I struggle not to be over powered by my own anger and frustration.
I struggle not to take it out on all those around me.
I struggle not to buy a bigger size of clothes.
I struggle not to cry over it.
I struggle to just keep moving.

I just struggle .... daily.

What I struggle with most is not to become what I fear the most - a sad, fat, and angry woman.

You see, If I didn't care, it would all be different. But I do, I do care - I'm cursed that way.

I care how I look.
I care how I feel.
I care how my clothes fit.
I care how I feel when I work-out.
I care about myself.
I care to live a long healthy life.

I care ....

Tomorrow is a new day - a day I will make my own and not let the "what now" get in my way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRAINOF4 9/29/2009 11:20PM

    Great way to put the positive attitude to work for you -even when you DO feel like packng in the towel. You went to your gym class even though you didn't really want to go, you worked up a sweat when you could've just as easily gone home.

Yaaay for you & Yaaay that you care & YAAAAY that WE care, too. emoticon

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"Let's keep it a secret"

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I've noticed a change in procedure at most of my doctor's offices, they no longer tell me they are going to weigh me, they ask if I'd liked to be weighed.

When asked I usually bit my tongue, while thinking, "no, no I don't want to be weighed - I have no real interest in having my day start off on a bad note because of a number on a scale. AND, I haven't went to the bathroom in case you needed a "sample" and I ate breakfast .... plus, I don't have the right clothes on to get weighed (I'd rather be in my birthday suit, thanks)."

What ends up coming out is, "no thanks, let's just keep that a secret".

I've been to the doctor a little more than usual (nothing serious) and the nurse usually smiles and responds with a chipper, Okay. But the last time I was there they didn't think it was so cute .... I got weighed. The same thought went through my head as I was, at the very least taking off my shoes, and getting ready for the weigh-in. I took a deep breath, stepped on the scale and looked to the heavens. I REALLY didn't want to know the number.

In the end I looked .... not at the scale but at my chart when sitting in the "little room", in all my glory, waiting for the doctor to come in. The number - 238 lbs.

Okay, I didn't fall off the table and I didn't burst into flames OR tears. I set an immediate goal - you have 1 month to lose 5 lbs. - make it happen girl!

In one month I'll be back at the doctors office and I won't ask them to keep it a secret .... I'll just be better prepared (and dressed) and step on the scale.

Better to know the truth then hide from what I think it might be! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDA0229 9/19/2009 12:34PM

    Your blog made me smile at the "secret" remark. Facing the truth can be hard but is often necessary to make changes.

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    5 lbs is an obtainable goal and one that you won't feel daunted in trying to accomplish. YOU CAN DO IT! a 5 lb goal will still get you closer to your total goal!

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KASSIANDORA 9/19/2009 12:22PM

    Congratulations for setting a goal and not breaking down! You are awesome!

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The "off the rack" bathing suit

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My husband and I went away for the weekend, just across the bay to San Francisco. We stayed at The Monaco .... a fabulous place!!

Not wanting to miss an opportunity to play in a swimming pool I checked their website, they noted they did not have one. However, upon check-in we were told the spa hot tub was open from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. I immediately looked at my husband and asked if he brought something to wear in a hot tub, he had - "just in case". I had not. emoticon

After getting settled in our room I announced we should go out for a walk and see if I could find a bathing suit. After all, I didn't want to drive all the way back home to get mine - we were already settled, and I didn't want to miss the hot tub.

Off we went .... I had in my mind that we would check Old Navy first, it was close enough and I knew would have good prices, IF they had something that fit. See, I knew years ago that Old Navy took out their plus size clothes from their retail outlets and only carried an XXL as their biggest. I silently prayed.

Once in the store I asked where the bathing suits could be found and was told "around the corner." When I rounded the corner all I saw was a giant rack of string bikini's - all I could do was laugh and say to my husband, "well, I won't be wearing any of those." He then pointed at another rack that had one piece suits .... I took a deep breath and searched the rack. I found an L, XL, and XXL and took them all to the dressing room.

To my utter surprise and joy the XXL fit and was a low price of $8.99! Score!!

I wore that bathing suit with pride, after all, I bought it "off the rack" at store made for "the skinny" people.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

URNIGHTNURSE 8/26/2009 10:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DRAGONFLY1974 8/18/2009 2:20PM

    Good thing it is cheap! You won't be wearing it long...you'll be XL..L..M before you know it!!!!

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MRSTEHVAND 8/18/2009 2:04PM

    Congratulations! What a fantastic memory to go with your weight loss journey!

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MOORECENTURY 8/18/2009 1:59PM

    Way to go!! You were able to enjoy your getaway and caught it for a bargain! Woo hoo!!

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XAVTAY 8/18/2009 1:49PM

    emoticon, we are far hardier on ourselves than we need to be at times! You look nice and besides that just think how much better it will feel once you reach your goals.
Keep going and best of luck on your weight loss journey

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Mind shifting

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Today I recognized a few improvements in my world:

1) I am not on "patrol" in the kitchen as much these days;
2) My soda cravings are way down, I've been soda free for 3-ish months (Woo Hoo);
3) I ask friends for help if I am feeling weak and unmotivated;
4) I am not "obsessing" about food;
5) Protein has increased dramatically in my diet;
6) My food allergies are manageable without being depriving;
7) My weight is still the same but I still firmly believe I'm curvy and fabulous!

It's the little things that help push me along . . . self care and awareness are wonderful! emoticon


How am I going to keep on track?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

How do I not allow myself to go off track when living with my husband who loves me just the way I am? Which includes Womanly Curves and a big butt . . .
How do I not allow myself to go off track when he eats what he wants, when he wants?
How do I not "secretly" eat because I feel I "should not" eat it in front of him, even when he doesn't care?
How do I ask for help when he doesn't think I should be so intense about food?


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