Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I had a light bulb moment today and everything got a little brighter, if only for a moment.
I fight fatigue and sluggishness daily. It's not due to lack of nutrition, sleep, dehydration, or any of those key indicators. In 2008 the fatigue became crippling in every way. Finally one day at my Chiro's office I broke down in tears and told her about my situation. She had me meet with her associate and after various tests we discovered a list of foods that I am intolerant to. I quickly "quit" those foods and I found my spunk again.
Two years later my fatigue has returned and I fight to stay awake, often wanting to shake my head to try to clear the fog. With this mysterious fatigue comes phantom hunger. I know my body well enough to know when I'm hungry and when I'm not. I equally know that when I'm tired and sick my body wants food - the bad stuff. SIGH.
So today, as I walk back into the office from my afternoon stroll, it finally hit me . . . I'm tired. I've been tired for weeks now. It also dawns on me that I'm looking for food at the weirdest times or find myself unsatisfied after eating. Being tired, without explanation, makes it easy to want to skip any physical activity and being hungry due to the fatigue makes it easy to just blindly eat. I fight to stay in control!
Sunday I finish the home thyroid testing and will meet again with Doc early next week. I am interested more than ever to discuss the thyroid testing and the latest developments. I want the madness to stop.
On an unrelated note: We have a new step instructor at the gym, tonight is her first class. I'm excited! Plus, the class will now be 60 minutes long - 45 min. of step & 15 min. of Ab work. I can't wait to get hot and sticky . . .
Monday, April 12, 2010
I wrote this once, posted it, then lost it.
My mom is going into surgery to have both knees replaced on Thursday. Not on the same day but within a 10 day period of time.
I'm struggling with guilt due to just finding out yesterday that she is going to be in the hospital for 10 days and will be there alone a lot of the time. The family farm is an hour away from the hospital and she is encouraging my dad not to come visit her every day. He dislikes hospitals and it's an hour each way to visit - not a good combination.
I could tell yesterday that she is anxious about the surgery and I could do little to ease the anxiety. She was, for over 40 years, a surgical nurse and has first hand knowledge about what happens during these surgeries. The knowing is part of the problem.
She is also concerned about how my dad will handle all of this. I chuckle at that because the "old man" is self reliant. I mean come on, he runs a farm in Iowa complete with cattle and field work at age 74. He'll be fine! I think it will be stressful to be apart from one another, somewhat helpless in the situation.
Mom has prepared herself as best she can. She is naturally thin, too thin if you ask me, and has diligently went to therapy to strengthen her muscles. The worst thing she consumes is coffee and that's so weak it barely counts.
Why the surgery, age and years of hard work. Between sports, farm work and 40 years standing on her feet in surgery it can all take it's toll plus genetics are playing apart.
She has put the surgery off for a year and knows it's time. Again, it's just the knowing what they actually due to complete the surgery that's messing with her mind. She used to tell frightened patients that they will feel 100% better after it's said and done and will wonder why they didn't have it done sooner.
Anyway, I'm struggling as her daughter. I feel I should be there, even if to be a warm body in the room when she wakes up from a nap. I was there during another surgery she had, it was tough to see her hurting, but it did us both good to lean on each other.
She's given me the world . . . I should at least give her my time!
I'll continue to look for a plane ticket. The hospital is a cab ride away from the airport should I choose to go. I might just need to fly away home so I can ease my soul and stop struggling.
If I end up not going I'm going to be putting together a few care packages for her and will call her lots.
Guilt is a wicked emotion!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The rain falls, the sky is gray, and it's cool outside . . . I sit staring outside wondering what excuse can I come up with so I won't have to go to the gym. Think, think, think.
I log onto SP to log my breakfast calories and checkout what everyone else is up to - It's now pushing 11:00 a.m. Then I hear it, "babe, get off the computer and go the gym already" and I literally laugh out loud.
I get up, get it together and with my best 3 year old imitation I say in response, "Fine, I'm going to the gym BUT I'm driving - NOT walking today." All I hear is a belly laugh and well wishes for me to have a good time.
For the love of working out . . . when will I turn that corner when I no longer try to think of reasons not to do it but rather crave to do it?
The elliptical workout was fabulous and I pushed my limits when I was on the bike today. I do enjoy it but it's a struggle to get there and do it.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I made an unhealthy choice yesterday but not without a struggle.
My Saturday job is an eating nightmare. The front desk usually has a full candy dish and my bosses "food cabinet" generally will have a large 5 lbs. bag of Peanut M&M's and Kettle chips stashed there. Yesterday was no different.
The bag 5 lbs. bag of M&M's was placed on the counter and I resisted as long as I could. I fought the good fight and then I lost . . . I ate those tasty little candies and I enjoyed them.
However, I noticed this:
1) I stopped short of a binge,
2) my body screamed they were sweet - oh to sweet,
3) I decided the handfuls of M&M's I consumed would not rule the day,
4) I ate a healthy snack later and then a healthy portioned dinner.
5) Logged EVERYTHING, no matter how ugly the truth really was.
One slip does NOT rule the day. One slip does NOT dictate that the rest of the day is shot. One slip does NOT give me permission to loose complete control.
The candy wrapper says it all . . .
Yup, my calorie bank was overdrawn yesterday. Yup, I ate a high quantity of sugar. Yup, I made an unhealthy choice.
Ah, I'm human and these things will happen. Acceptance is key, accountability is necessary and to move forward with forgiveness is vital - I have done all three.
Failure is not an option! I'm off to the gym now to sweat it out.
Friday, April 09, 2010
The sun is out and the day is just beautiful here. I took myself out to lunch for a yummy salad and some needed alone time - it was fabulous. While I soaked up the sun all could think about was taking a cat nap.
I love naps!
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