Sunday, July 21, 2013
Well, today started out super late and I'm a little disappointed about that. I set multiple alarms this morning so I could get an early start on studying for the MCAT (which I'm taking in 5 days), but I simply snoozed them all and slept in until the afternoon. What a waste of time.
Not only did today start out later than ideal, but I woke up feeling particularly depressed. So far I've done a little cleaning around the house, and while I was bleaching the bathroom sink, guess what came to mind?...
Yea, my ex-boyfriend who basically used me for sex and led me on 2 months after we broke up, then decided to tell me he's pursuing another girl and hasn't loved me for a year. I've managed to push off thinking about him for the most part over the past few days, but today all that pain just came flooding back into my heart. I tried so hard to fix our relationship. I read books about how to communicate with your significant other, because I know that's the main area where we faltered. I even set up a surprise dinner and spent all day preparing my house for it, because I never did anything like that when we were actually dating, and I wanted to show him how much I still love him. And what did I get? More pain. I seriously screwed up.
Some days I feel like there's an elephant standing on my chest. Today it's a baby elephant.
This isn't the lowest I've felt regarding him, but I feel like it's a digression back into self-pity land, and that's what I'm trying to get out of. I've been exercising every day. I've been eating right (for the most part), I've been studying my butt off for the MCAT so I can just get into medical school next year and get away from this painful place. I just need something to change in my life for the better. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow, at times.
Well, it's almost 3:00 and I still haven't started studying. I also need to hit the gym at some point today, because I'm on a streak! This will be day 8 of getting at least an hour of exercise in every day (:
Hopefully I can succeed in making myself the person I want to be. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy and successful. I know my old relationship was holding me back in many ways, but I just can't rip him out of my heart. I feel so pathetic.
Till next time ~
Friday, June 28, 2013
So here we are, six months out from my last post on SparkPeople. Surprise, surprise.
Well folks, guess what? I've gained about 30 pounds over the past 6 months, putting me up to a total weight-gain of +/- 50 pounds from where I started three years ago. I have never felt like my goal weight/body has been further from my grasp, but now is the time to do something about it, before I spin myself into an eternal loop of short-term dieting, carb binging, and obesity. You heard correct my friends, I'm now technically "obese" for the first time in my adult life, by clinical standards.
I believe the core of my uncontrolled weight gain has been my emotional deficits, which I have consistently been filling with food that tastes good, or food that satisfies an internal craving unrelated to actual hunger. I have recently discovered that I love chips, though I had gone years without eating them. However, I know that I actually hate the taste of chips- the taste of over-processed starch and carbs. But I love the crunch, the snap, and the pleasure I get from chomping into a chip. That's why I eat them.
That needs to stop.
Today, I sat before my computer and absent-mindedly ate an entire 6-oz tube of pringles. That amounts to about 900 calories folks. And in reality, I knew what I was doing. With each chip my mind was torn to two places- the logical side that was screaming, "Please GOD not another one!" each time, and then the gluttonous emotional elephant inside me that was simultaneously trying to fill a void in my heart with delicious crunchy snacks... that actually taste like piss.
That's right folks, piss. The elephant inside me loves eating pissy, overprocessed starch.
So here I am, contemplating going home from the office in about 2 minutes and indulging in the half-gallon of Coffee Almond Fudge icecream waiting for me in my freezer. I bought it at the same time as I bought these two tubes of Pringles, with the sole driving purpose of getting cash back so I could vacuum my car yesterday. Of course, buying a pack of gum or something non-consumable was beyond my comprehension at the time.
I'll leave with this, since I'm almost off work and don't feel like staying late to finish a blog post.
I am on a mission,
To end emotional urges,
To evacuate the void in my heart,
To stop filling myself with meaningless carbs,
To stop trying to fill the emptiness in my life with food.
Food should make me feel good.
Food should make me thrive.
Food should not take the place of my love for other people.
For anybody reading this, I'm carrying a lot of emotional baggage these days, but that's a story for another day. Until then, wish me luck with my choice-making when I get home from work today.
♫ ~ The Elephant
Monday, January 21, 2013
Well, it's been about 6 (ish) months since I have been on Spark People or put much thought into losing weight. Reading my last blog entry from the day before I started summer classes is kind of depressing, because I was making some nice progress up to that point, and then everything went to crap once school started again. Alas, here I am starting up my spring semester, and the story hasn't much changed. I'm just too busy to dedicate much effort to losing weight, and it sucks.
I'm getting fat. I haven't weighed this much in about four years. I don't actually know how much I weight right now, and I really don't want to know. But my pants aren't fitting, and I had to update my formal wardrobe with a pants size up from where I already was (which was already too big). Two years ago, I was wearing a size 8, which was awesome. It's where I wanted to be (or close). Now I'm squeezing in to a size 13 and I hate it. I haven't worn a pants size this big since I was fat in high school.
I think I'll take a moment to complain about my self-image problems here, since it's the only place where nobody I know will read about it.
Being fat comes with so many problems. For one, nobody talks to me. I mean, I go to a school full of rich white kids without any real problems in their lives, so I didn't have much to work with in the first place, but now that I'm a "fat girl" I really have nobody to talk to. Additionally, my self-confidence has hit an all-time low these days. I can't even get up the nerve to make a joke with guys I don't really know any more. This is so bad. I used to be so confident with people. So funny. So.... liked. It's like when I gained 45 pounds I completely changed into something people don't want to interact with anymore. That's not even the worst part, either. It's the bitchy girls around this place who constantly look at me like I'm gross because I'm overweight. It's ridiculous. This is an adult institution, not a freaking high school, but I feel like the judgment is neverending.
I just hate where I have come so much. I can hardly even let my boyfriend touch me anymore because I'm disgusted with my body. I have a hard time dressing up for events because I never look good enough. My ass has gotten too big, my thighs are disgusting to look at, and for the first time in years I have a jiggly tummy. It makes me sick every day to have to look in the mirror, and I just don't have any motivation to change it. I feel stuck. I'm doing so many other things in life right now- losing weight has been shoved to the bottom of the priority list.
I just wish it hadn't gotten to this point...
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
I have so much going on right now that I really need to take a moment to sort it all out in a physical form (outside my head), before I lose track of something along the way.
Well, I guess I'll begin with my fitness and health-related stuff. I'm now entering the third week of my 5k training (out of 7). I'm amping up the running this week. While my weight loss thus far has been rather slow after the initial drop, I'm not really worried about it. I know that I'm becoming healthier because I can get through a workout and feel great. I look forward to my 5k training days, and I feel off when I miss a workout. This is great progress for me, and I'm not at all disappointed by the lack of scale evidence. I'm feeling healthier, and I'm eating smarter. My mom keeps asking me how much weight I have lost, but she's focusing on the wrong objective. I don't think she gets it.
Aside from my fitness activities, I've been really involved in non-profit work lately. I've felt compelled to do something with my time while I'm not weighed down by school. This last Sunday was the National Cancer Survivor's Awareness Day, and there was a celebration at the Portland Rose Quarter Convention Center, which I volunteered at with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. It was great- there was a ton of energy and positivity, and a huge number of survivors showed up. I even met a woman who has survived 3 1/2 years so far after her pancreatic cancer- she's beating the odds! It also gave me a chance to network with other non-profit cancer action networks and find new volunteering opportunities. I even found another 5k to run in for Ovarian cancer in August! (:
Speaking of cancer and my work with nonprofits, I'm actually attending a networking breakfast for the American Cancer Society and the Oregon Health and Science University tomorrow morning. There are going to be some great talks put on by professors and medical researchers, as well as plenty of other cancer research enthusiasts like myself to meet and network with. I'm looking forward to it!
Additionally, my Be the One Run team still needs help! If you're interested in helping out, please consider donating to our cause! All funds go to the National Bone Marrow Registry (Be the Match) in aid of patients and families awaiting their vital bone marrow match. Help change a life! Even $10 can make an astounding difference!
Team Page: www.bethematchfoundation
Team Blog: portlandruns5k.tumblr.co
So, I played part of the Poulenc Sonata for Flute and Piano today for my music professor. He's challenged me this summer to play something different for him each week. Today was interesting in that he didn't have much to say about the mistakes I made (which were minor yet embarrassing), but instead focused on how I think about music. I tend to get caught up in the details and forget to look at the piece as a whole in terms of phrasing. I need to work on that. I'm LOVING getting to work with him on a weekly basis- for fun! He has already given me feedback that I haven't gotten from my private instructor, and I've never really felt so confident in my playing! I'm hoping to wow him later this week with the full Poulenc Sonata. The third movement is crazy! Have a listen: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IA3SR
Another thing that came up today was planning for my senior recital, even though it's about two years away (or a little less). I'm planning something pretty monstrous- 45 minutes of music from across the spectrum of flute repertoire. I want to include a tough piece from every major genre- including Renaissance, Baroque, Classical, Romantic, French Conservatory, and Contemporary. It's going to be quite the undertaking!
I have a meeting this Sunday for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, where I'm finally meeting the coordinator for our upcoming PanCAN Purple Stride walk for Pancreatic Cancer. I'm supposed to be a team supervisor- which is the perfect job for me! I'm also waiting to hear back about my delegation as an intern with Planned Parenthood, but they aren't the best at emailing back...
I guess aside from all of this, I'm starting my new (second) job soon at the Southwest Medical Center. I'll be teaching doctors how to use the new computer system that's being implemented in late June throughout the entire hospital. I'm looking forward to it! I'm also starting summer classes at about the same time- so those night shifts should be fun while studying for physics! Oh boy.
TL;DR: I'm busy!
♫ ~ Kristin
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