Monday, May 13, 2013
Today I am working on getting my brain back to healthy. I was so close to my 5% weight loss goal that the last two weeks have been spent diligently following the Weight Watchers plan. But now that I have reached the 5% and moved on to a 10% goal, I have another 13 pounds to lose before reaching it.
My diet is going just fine and there is nothing I need to do to make it better. I am eating the right amounts without much effort. I do not feel hungry or snacky anymore. If I am hungry then I add two eggs to my afternoon snack and end up eating dinner about an hour later than I would've otherwise because those to eggs are so satisfying. I am losing the perfect amount: 1.5-2 pounds per week on average. I only need to maintain what I am doing for now.
But because of the last two weeks of uber-focus, I have started to become uptight about the diet. I didn't feel good about reaching my 5% goal. I lost 15 pounds and all I could think was how much farther I had to go and how it took me a few months just to get to this point. I was actually quite forlorn and mopey yesterday.
I saw the failure of my diet in sight because it was starting to stress me out. The stakes had become too high and the ultimate goal to unreachable.
But today I made a mental change. I cannot actively work on my diet because it needs no current tweaking. I need to focus on my exercise again, which I have been doing, but the last two weeks wasn't where my head was focused. I CAN adjust my exercise. I can get that feeling of pushing my limits and expanding my abilities in exercise that I can't get right now in my already good diet. Basically, while I'm waiting for next week's weigh-in, and the week after, and the week after that, I can see results elsewhere: in how many push-ups I can do or in how much better my intermediate Pilates are getting.
I can also focus on non-diet related life things. I am ready to start looking for a job in Virginia now that baby is almost 8-months old. Our apartment is still not completely decorated and although we cannot afford the picture frames and such for what I have planned until we have acquired a bed and a table, I can start looking up ideas on exactly what I want to do and how to do it. I have plenty of things to do that I have been holding out on until I could get my diet under control and on track.
So today I have made a mental change to be less stressed about my successful diet. When I get within 2 pounds of that 10% goal then I will focus on it again like I did the last two weeks. Then I will go back to being chill.
I realize that if I am to succeed at losing all my weight and doing it permanently then I have to cycle through my diet. I have to create cycles of chill and focused.
I will succeed.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
I am being impatient this week. I knew I would be with my goal of 5% so close. Not just close, but here! Sunday I was 1.2 pounds away. But Monday and Tuesday saw me beating it. Today I was back up to 0.2 pounds away. I have been obsessing with the scale each morning and I have decided that I am driving myself crazy this week. Stupid goals! I am going to stop doing that RIGHT NOW. It doesn't make next Sunday come any faster and I already know that I'm going to meet my goal eventually anyways.
What I've been struggling with this week is patience, but above and beyond being so close to my first 5% goal and ready to start on my 10% (second 5%) goal. This week saw a drastic change in my diet. 11 weeks in and the shift suddenly occurred.
I went from feeling peckish and snacky because I had cut out food, to not snacky at all. It took 11 weeks of Weight Watchers (including a lowering allotted points values per day to accompany my success) to finally be better with food. I've adjusted to appropriate portion sizes. My energy is better, although a lot of that has to do with actually getting sleep the last three days (which could also be why this change occurred).
I have went from struggling to stay in my point range to, overnight it seems, struggling to meet it. I get to the end of the day and realize that I have a lot of points left over. I think that this has to be a fluke, but it isn't.
It turns out that most of my points occurred because of snacky between mealtimes, mostly around 2 in the afternoon. I still snack at two, but I think of it as a "little meal" instead of that time of day I want to eat uncontrollably. I think this has REALLY helped. I was going to want food then, anyways, so instead of trying to stop eating then, I made it a habit to eat and do it all at once. Cheese sticks, carrots, non-fat ranch, or an occasional apple fills that time. Then I am good until dinner. It is amazing what a mind-set change can do.
But all of this progress has led to an argument in my brain that goes something like this (taken directly from my personal journal):
Part of me is saying, "This is great! You will lose weight faster!" But the other part is whispering, "Hold on. Slow down. BE PATIENT." The second voice is right, of course. But I want so badly to hit my 5% goal. I want so badly to move past it.
The first voice screams, "Just this week! Reach your goal! You can be reasonable next week." This is the voice I want to listen to. My fear, though, is next week. Next week she will say, "It's okay. Keep going. You know at some point you will stagnate and it will even out."
The second voice, the voice of reason, shakes it's metaphorical head. "If you go to fast you will fail. You are learning to be healthy, not just dropping pounds. Focus on sustainability and be patient. These things take time."
I want to listen to that voice next week.
But I will be good. I will eat more points and do it during the daytime. I will be healthy. Otherwise, what am I doing here?
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Today is weigh-in day for me and I am 3.5 pounds down this week! Before you all remind me that 3.5 is too much to be a healthy weight loss, I gained .5 pounds last week because of period bloating. I average a four week period together to make sure I'm okay and this last four weeks saw a loss of about 1.75 pounds per week which is perfect. It is a very good idea to look over your weight loss for a month because weight loss is inconsistent and there are variables like bloating/water retention, too much cheese (maybe only in my world), etc. So as long as it averages 1.5-2.0 pounds per week over one month then you are doing just fine.
It is actually quite liberating because then I'm not always worried about losing too much or not enough based on one week.
Now, this week I weight in at 271 pounds. That is down from last week's 274.5 and the week before's 274. Overall, I have lost 13 pounds in 10 weeks. Patience isn't my strong suit generally, but I see a downward pattern and I am enjoying to stressing about weight loss too much, while seeing it go down.
The title of this post is "So close. So far away." because I am making 5% goals. (10 pounds-at-a-time goals work, too). My first 5% goal puts me at 269.8 (I'm thinking of it as 269.5 because my scale does .5 lb increments). I am SO close to that goal. 1.5 pounds close! And yet it has been 10 weeks already. I really want to see that goal met so that I can celebrate and then make a plane for the next 5% and add some new habits for the next round.
But it is still 1.5 pounds and here is where my patience issue comes in: if I stay diligent and on track, then I can easily hit that weight next Sunday (seems how my period was last week), but I could always miss it by .5 pounds and have to wait another week to see that 269.5. I want it SO bad, but it feels like a lifetime away!
The second part of the title "So far away." has part to do with the anticipation of next weeks weigh-in, but more to do with a realization that within the next month (hopefully), I will see 265 pounds. 265 pounds is exactly 100 pounds over my ideal weight and 90 pounds over my goal weight. But just thinking "100 pounds" is really discouraging. I feel a little ill at the thought of having SO far to go.
But I keep reminding myself that I could be there by this time next year. And even though that is my goal weight, I feel really good about myself, pretty and confident, at about 220 pounds.
When I think of it that way, from right where I am today I have 51 pounds before I feel really good and everything after that is bonus feel good pounds to get me to feel good AND healthy.
51 pounds also seems like a lot, but let's think about this. I lost 13 pounds in about 2.5 months and one of those was a really stagnant month of travelling to my parents' house. So let's say 10 pounds per month, BEST case scenario. It is May. I could be at my "feel good" weight by the beginning of October and honestly I won't care as long as I am there by Thanksgiving. That gives me an extra two months even!
So 7 months to lose 50 pounds is 7-8 pounds per month... 1 pounds per week. There is NO pressure at 1 pound per week!
Sorry about all the math, I just needed to reassure myself that there is no reason to stress and that 106 pounds left to go is still doable.
I can do this.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
There are many excuses as to why people are fat, but none apply to me. I can't even pretend that they do. I do not have a thyroid problem, or a general hormone problem. I am not immobile in that I cannot move or exercise. I am actually quite good at exercise although I have been in better shape then I am now. My heart doesn't beat loudly in my chest and my lungs don't burn. It is my muscles that make it hard for me right now, but even those I am quickly retraining and restretching to be better. In a matter of a few short weeks I am nearly back to normal on that. I don't have a job where I sit at a desk all day long, but I do sit too much of my own accord.
I am obese. I am obese because I have a problem with food. I like it. I like eating it even when I'm not hungry. Maybe I started as a bored eater. I'm not really an emotional eater. But I am definitely a bored eater. I have triggers, mainly when I am watching television or I have to go out and suddenly I start craving fast food. My triggers are very powerful and even now as I sit here writing this my stomach is full of afternoon tv-watching food. Granted, it is mostly baby carrots, raspberries, and dry Multigrain Cheerios, but it is full none-the-less.
I am also a coffee drinker and I do prefer vanilla creamer in my coffee, though it isn't necessary. I have always liked the non-fat version of it, though. Even though I only usually drink two or three cups through the entire day, and usually just in the morning, days like today trigger a coffee binge. Slightly chilly and overcast, lazy Sundays trigger it.
The bottom line is that I am obese because I eat too much and all the time. I do not move enough, but I do move and when I move, I do it well. Movement is maybe 20% my problem. I eat. That is the other 80%. I love food.
I love flavors and textures and I cannot get enough of them. When I watch tv I need something in my hands or in my mouth and food is ever so convenient. I do not knit or sew or scrapbook. I do not draw, though I much prefer it to the other things mentioned. I sit and watch a show, then I get up and do other things. I cannot multitask in that way, but I can put delicious food in my mouth.
Then, on the bad days, come afternoon-time when I feel like I shouldn't be filling my stomach past it's rightly proportions, it is too late and my stomach is too full to exercise without feeling like vomiting.
I have a problem with food.
Weight Watchers is helping me manage my food intake and some weeks it goes very well! Some weeks it doesn't. What I am hoping is that over time I will adjust to a healthier diet. It is a slow process. But so far, I don't think I am doing very well. I still have uncontrollable cravings for something in my mouth. I still have guilt when I do eat.
I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I don't know if it is possible to overcome it. I am at a loss. But if I stay this way, losing 114 pounds is going to be ridiculously hard and what happens if I succeed. Then do I spend the rest of my life logging in points or calories so that I don't get fat again because I never was able to overcome my unhealthy obsession with food.
It scares me.
Get An Email Alert Each Time KRISTAJOBROOKS Posts