Monday, January 07, 2013
So, today sucked. I was really angry at work when I got my annual review and it was not what I expected and hoped for. I had a major project last year for which I was promised top reviews and bonus if I performed well. Which I did, by all objective measures. And today I was told that I did not get the top reviews or the bonus I had hoped for.
I have this really crappy thing I do when I get really angry: tears come to my eyes. I managed to state that I was disappointed and leave the room before the tears came to my eyes, but it pretty much sucked. I left a few minutes early and frankly wanted nothing more than to go home and have a drink or 3 and eat who knows what. But the fact is, no one died and it is not a catastrophe. I may need to think about what I need to do over the long term but my life is good.
So, I went home, I had a light dinner and I did the strength training I had planned to do. Then I had a couple glasses of wine and I am feeling calmer. I know why it bothered me: I don't feel like I'm valued for the work I do. I am also upset because it was something I had talked about with my SO last year when we were still together and it brought that back. It doesn't mean I wish I was still with him, I just miss being able to tell him.
I weathered that storm. I still need to say a bit more to my boss about it. And get my head straight about my value to the organization, whether or not it is noted. On the record, as they say. But that's tomorrow.
For now, t I am happy that I was able to avoid going over the edge. Eating and drinking my feelings. And in a half hour I am going to go upstairs, get ready for bed so I can get up early and get to the gym. And when I'm on the treadmill tomorrow morning watching Morning Joe (yes I am a political news junkie) I will think about how to deal with this. And then I will go to work and I will move forward. I am lucky, this is not a catastrophe, just a blip. And I dealt well with stress today!
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Today was tough, emotionally. Recent breakup with SO, and a day we would have spent together doing fun and familiar things. I knew it would be difficult so I prepared. Monitoring stress and trying to be proactive, as I promised myselfÖ
So, I planned for it, emotionally and physically. I believe that it was right for both of us and I reminded myself about the reasons why... and I still thought it was right for both of us. I prepared and tracked my food and drink ahead of time, and although the day isnít over, I think I will be successful and I know that was the right thing to do. I feel confident that I will stay within my calorie range. I think I should have reached out to friends for helpÖit would have been better to ask for support but I didnít. Next time I will be sure to do that.
Saturday, January 05, 2013
I really need a kick start so I decided to set some basic goals for this first month of the year. They are pretty minimal, since I think that's what I need right now, what with slower than expected recovery from knee surgery, a lousy cold and lingering emotional "stuff."
Stay within my calorie range 29 out of 31 days in January (all except New Years Day and my birthday -- 2 streaks of 14 and 15 days each)
Track my weight and measurements every Saturday. (I thought about doing Wednesday instead but if I'm staying in range anyway, it shouldn't matter).
Do Cardio 4 days a week (elliptical, walking and running) and ST 3 days a week (resistance bands and weights). Other exercise and yoga would be great, but I am committing to doing at least that.
Monitoring my stress level daily in a short blog and using alternative methods for reducing stress (meditation, deep breathing, visualization, music). I am really committed to losing the weight and maintaining this time. Like a fair number of folks on Spark, I've lost substantial pounds (25, for me), only to put them back on again. There were external excuses (illness, injury) and laziness and complacency, but I think that there was an emotional component, too. I'm not really sure what it was about, but this time, I plan to pay more attention to it. I am pretty sure it has to do with stress and conflict and I want to make sure that it doesn't happen again. So, monitoring my stress and finding ways of dealing with it that do not involve food and alcohol will be an ongoing goal for me, starting now.
Reporting how I did at the end of the month.
Looking forward to this challenge!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Well, I can't say I've been very successful in consuming fewer calories over the past months, or losing weight either. Actually gained 3 lbs but I hate, hate, HATE to move the tracker. Isn't that silly? It is what it is, so I may as well admit it, right?
Ok, if it still is what it is on Sunday, I'll move it. Who knows, maybe it's water weight...
And I'm back on track now, eating right and logging it all in without too much damage done, so I'm not going to regret a little excess during the festivities...
On the bright side, I can run again! (see earlier blog on arthroscopic knee surgery - bleh). Just a little bit, doing 1 mile of running to 3 miles of walking once or twice a week, and doing elliptical and yoga the other days. And doing my PT exercises 3-4 times a week (Hooahhhh! and no, I'm not Army, just picked it up doing their awesome 10 mile race a few times over the past 10 years!). I plan to be VERY careful and not run too much, switching it out with other cardio, but just being able to do cardio again should do a world of good.
So, the holidays were fun this year, but a major distraction on the food front. I had both my boys home and I am literally embarrassed to say how much I spent on food and drink...but I do love to feed them. And they do appreciate it! And we did go to a few parties and take a bottle of wine or a casserole of mac and cheese or, well, no, I didn't take the darn chocolates...they stayed home. Laying in wait for me. And they got me. Note to self: do not purchase large quantities of chocolate thinking you're going to give them away. Because you won't! So, yes the holidays were a bit tough and challenging, but so much fun.
And even through the holidays, I managed to keep on top of my other goals, restoring order to my home...and alright, maybe not doing quite so well with the budget, but I have a plan for restoring order there: I am thinking about getting a roommate when my younger son's job comes through and he gets his own place. That would make a big difference.
Other things not so much fun right now, but I am working them out. I am determined to be as happy as I can. I think that's a reasonable goal, don't you?
So here is to rededication (again!), with much determination and hope that I am able to overcome any obstacles I find in my path!
Cheers! And here's to a happy New Year!
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
For a long time, I was in the business of setting myself a lot of goals which were wonderful and idealistic, but I was never able to fully achieve. I had a whole lot of things on my list like creating art and getting a masters degree that I thought I had to do to be a successful and happy person. For a number of reasons, I thought this was the way a person was supposed to live. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to achieve all of them...and that made me feel less than successful.
So I decided I needed to simplify. To do that, I needed to define my priorities, focus on what was most important to me, and arrange my goals around those priorities. It turns out that maintaining my physical, mental and spiritual health is most important to me. So, while those other things are laudable goals, they really arenít part of the foundation I need to feel strong and healthy the way I want to. Maybe one day Iíll get to those things, but right now, they just arenít what I need.
Once I decided what my highest priorities were, I started paring down my list of goals so I could build around those. Working out and eating right are obvious Ė Iím definitely keeping those! But as it turns out, mental and physical order are also right up there for me.
Clearing my mind with some kind of meditation is really helpful to my emotional and spiritual health - and while Iím not even near hitting my goal of meditating every day, I am still working on it because I think itís worth it. The goal serves as a reminder that I am happier when I am able to take the time to clear the emotional cobwebs and distracting thoughts and focus on maintaining a calm sense of balance in my life. And I am always happier when I do that.
It turns out physical order is important to me too. I like to keep my space in order, and I like to keep my money in order. I am slowly getting my house in order: cleaning closets, getting rid of clothes and knick-knacks and paper I no longer need.
And I finally made a budget and am working on sticking to it. Iím proud of this because Iíve been overspending lately. I made a lot of excuses Ė kidsí college expenses, I deserve this, blah blah blah. The fact is, I have been lacking in discipline and Iím going to get myself in trouble unless I get my finances under control.
I found out that by simplifying my goals, I've been better able to achieve them. Instead of trying to do everything, Iím trying to work methodically on the ones that matter. Maybe Iíll get to the other stuff one day, maybe I wonít. Itís my life, I get to choose.
So, that's it. Just the basics. Itís giving me a feeling of freedom.
I like that.
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