Sunday, July 04, 2010
The new scale I bought this week has been a problem.
Over the years as my weight has gone up and down I have not watched it closely or recorded it regularly. Something about it bothers me. Maybe itís that having gone through some experiences with eating disorders in my family, Iíve always shied away from focusing too much on the number. And I have a tendency to become a little obsessive at times myselfÖ I guess I worried the scale might become an obsession.
So, the new scale.
I bought my old scale after my youngest (now 22) was born. Still struggling with post-baby weight, I picked it because it told me I was 4 pounds lighter than the other scales. I know, must have been the hormones. Soon realized that was a problem, but it was one of those spinning gauge scales, so I could set it at -4 pounds, which is how Iíve used it for all these years.
Now with my new goals and determination, I decided it was time to retire the old scale, with its cracked face and impossibly small unreadable numbers. And while I didnít really realize it at the time, it might have been about facing demons too. Not letting past *issues* rule my behavior. Enough foolishness. I set a goal and I want to be able to track my progress accurately.
So of course I obsessed a little bit about buying a new one: which one to get, is it accurate (every single sample model at Bed Bath and Beyond tells me a different weight) But after only one return -- the thing read a 4 pound difference within three hours -- I settled on a scale. It said I was 1.5 pounds heavier than my old scaleÖno problem. I adjusted up with no stress, since Iíve been pleased with my progress this month.
So whatís bothering me? I weighed myself obsessively all week long. And yes, the news was good. Between the old scale and the new scale, I donít really know what happened when, but over the past 4 weeks Iíve lost an average of 2- 2 Ĺ pounds a week, which is great! Iím not complaining Ė I love it that I can fit back into clothes I havenít worn in years, and that friends have noticed the difference.
But it is bothering me is that Iím doing what I was afraid if -- obsessing about the number. I need to find some balance with this thing. Fact is, the scale is only a symbol of that struggle.
Yes, itís good that Iím not avoiding the number anymore, because when I was ignoring it I wasnít making my goals specific and charting a course to achieve them. Now I need to take the next step and get to the place where I use it as a tool, not the be-all and end-all. Where losing the pounds isnít more important than doing my yoga practice at least once a week and meditating 5 days a week. Or picking up a paintbrush and painting a picture or setting goals and training for my upcoming half-marathon. Or compulsively avoiding any additional calories and never letting go and just enjoying a great big delicious meal with friendsÖ
So this holiday weekend I let up a little bit. I stayed away from the scale (mostly). I kept working out but I let myself indulge a little bitÖlast night at the Gipsy Kings concert and tonight at a BBQ before the fireworks, I had a little chocolate, some extra potato salad and a two brownies. Exceeded my calories but not ridiculously much. And I may have a piece of the cake Iím baking for my sisterís barbeque tomorrowÖbut itís definitely not coming home with me if thereís any left!
Balance. I think I can do it. One goal among many for my mind, body and soulÖ.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
According to my Sparkpeople fitness tracker, thatís the number of fitness minutes I have racked up. Wow -- thatís a big number!
It averages out to 2.5 hours a week, figuring from the tracking reports which go back to January í08. Iíve actually been a member since í04, and since then, Iím pretty sure Iíve lost and gained back the same 15-20 pounds at least three times, with the top number higher than I was willing to record.
Also during that time, I got divorced, my boys grew up and left home, my dad passed away and I made a major career change. Iím pretty sure that putting my running shoes on and hitting the pavement or going to the mat for yoga practice helped me to face these changes with strength.
Iím glad I had the opportunity to spend 20,000 minutes of my life taking care of me. I'm so lucky to be able to lace up the shoes and go, taking the time to work my body and free my mind, taking the space to find solutions to hard problems or just a little quiet when the noise got too loud. I'm so fortunate to have a beautiful trail on the banks of the Potomac River to run, with bald eagles watching over me....I am so lucky to be able to go to the yoga mat and with the help of wonderful teachers discipline my body and my mind...I'm also lucky to have found good friends here at Sparkpeople to help me take the next steps...thank you and Namaste!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
This blog is kind of personal. I canít believe I am posting it. But Iím going to be honest here in an effort to make this change stick.
So here goes.
All last week I was on a high. I was on a roll, sticking to my plan, even on a stressful business trip. Ok, it was a stressed out high, but a high nonetheless. I lost 2 pounds for the second week in a row, and I had a revelation about stress and caloric intakeÖI know, seems basic, but the experience of examining it in real time and stopping it at the source was eye-opening, to say the least. Definitely pointed out the need to find new and better stress control techniques (as opposed to getting lost three times and locking the keys in the car) but a victory nonetheless. And my presentation went well, so all was good.
Also, I was really looking forward to a date this weekend. A second date, need I say more?
So why, by Monday morning, was I feeling down and depressed?
Well, for one thing, two of those pounds reappeared when I hopped on the scale this morning (I usually weigh myself every day as a sort of an early warning system Ė but that may stop soon!)
That was depressing, but really not the thing that was bothering me most. No, what really did it was the fact that after a perfectly lovely date on Friday night, this prince among men didnít call all weekend. And then another fellow, a lunch date I was looking forward to this week, emailed wanting to reschedule for next week. And I said to myself, what? Really? I donít think so! Do I look like someone who can be rescheduled and ignored? In Dirty Dancing, who was it that said, ďNo one puts Baby in the corner!Ē I was so thereÖand in a very short time, I got myself well and truly wrapped around the axle!
Now before you start thinking that I am a bit of flake making such a drama of a couple casual little dates, let me be the first to say, you may be right! It surprises even me, a liberated woman from birth. And anyway, you may ask, what does this all have to do with my Spark plan, anyway? A little background:
Four years ago, I went through a divorce after an almost twenty-one year marriage. It was devastating, it was heart-breaking, it was all those awful things so many of you know so well. But since then, Iíve rebuilt my life and itís pretty good. I have two sons whoíve grown into fine young men, a job that mostly makes me happy, and great friends whoíve stuck with me through thick and thin. I have a lot of interests and Iím never bored.
Since I was divorced, Iíve had one relationship that I ended because I it wasnít going anywhere that I wanted to go. Good decision, no regretsÖ.and when I looked at what lead me to stay with the guy for almost two years, I had to look at some hard truths. In short, I had a tendency to put other people first.
So I stopped dating for awhile and took some time to think about what I really wanted. I came up with a pretty good idea of what I was looking for. And spent some time reconciling how to be happy on my own at the same time that I was looking for someone to share my life. I think thatís a pretty tough balancing act and probably the cause of a lot of stress in the world. (Need I add, especially among women!)
Also, I think a little tiny corner of my brain believed that old saw that says when you stop looking for it, itíll find you. Hmm, maybe for some people, but I am pretty sure itís not going to find me when Iím sitting home on my couch in my jammies Öand PLEASE GOD donít let it find me at work, because we are not going there!
And itís true, it would be nice to find someone. I enjoyed being married, all things considered.
So I started dating again. I hear itís like the lottery, if you donít play, you canít winÖ
But I needed a new attitude. A cíest la vie attitude. A ďdonít get all wrapped around the axleĒ attitude. An attitude that says I deserve the best. So thatís one thing Iíve been working on, a new attitude. Part of changing my lifeÖ
And I actually enjoy dating, unlike some folks I know. That is, until I meet someone I really like a lot. Doesnít happen much.
As a matter of fact, hasnít happened in ages. Hence the bad morningÖ.
In my rational mind, I know damn well it shouldnít bother me if a man doesnít call the next day. Either heíll call within a few days and maybe weíll go out again. Or he wonít, and we wonít. Fits in well with the new attitude, right? In theory, perfect!
But in my non-rational mind, yes! It bothers me. In the past, I would deal with a little disappointment like that by getting together with my girlfriends and having a glass or two of wine and engaging in some satisfying trash talk. And blowing my calorie count, because after a couple glasses of wine, a nice appetizer sounded pretty good. And whoops, there went the exercise plan out the window, too.
Even worse, I would put too much emotional energy into maintaining my equilibrium, focusing way too much attention on something I had no control over.
Same old story, isnít it? I know youíve heard it before. But itís my same old story, so I have to pay attention! Or itíll be playing in an endless loopÖGroundhog day all over againÖ
So this time, when it hit me again, I sighed in recognition, a weary tired sigh. I am tired of this reaction, the old programmed response.
So Iím trying something new. I am staying with my program. Monday morning, I got up, I made my breakfast, I packed my lunch and I went to work. Unapologetically late, because I slept an extra hour to catch up on the sleep I didnít get the night before. I worked all day. Work was my salvation when I was going through the divorce, the only place I could forget everything and focus on the task at hand. It works pretty well. When I came home, I wrote for a little bit and then I went for a 3 Ĺ mile run, a little tough at first but the last mile, all downhill in the cool green shade ending by the stream that runs behind my neighborhood, was beautiful. When I got home, I made some dinner and called my brother to make sure his sonís birthday present arrived. And I sat down again to write. And I felt better.
What took me so long? Ah well, what does it matter? Iím getting there. So, maybe heíll call and maybe he wonít. Maybe Iíll reschedule lunch or maybe not. But whatever happens, Iím not going to let my irrational responses to things that are beyond my control highjack my sanity. This is my resolve and I am determined to stick with it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
It was a tough week in a number of ways. Work was busy, filled with lots of little problems and some big challenges -- well, that's why they call it work, right? I'm still dealing with the sadness of a recent breakup, and I realized that I might be a little depressed, like a low-grade fever that snuck up on me. I don't want to do the normal things, like see my friends, that I usually do....so I decided to let it go and see where it takes me. In yoga they teach you that you have to experience and go through it, breathe through it like you do in the poses. But at the same time, you maintain your discipline and your practice while you are breathing through it. So rather than ignoring it, that's what I did. I allowed myseld to experience the sadness but I stuck to my program, working out and running and meditating and reading, and I think it worked. I feel good at the end of the week. Still a little low, but solid. Proud that I had taken charge, stuck to my discipline and come out knowing I made progress.
Monday, June 07, 2010
For the past few years, I've been doing Sparkpeople, tracking my calories and exercise regularly and yoyoing up and down with my weight. Alright, mostly up. This year I turned 50 and I decided I want to change my life. Not that I am unhappy...my life is good...but I want...more! I'm pretty healthy (knock on wood!) and I'm gainfully employed (knock on wood again) and able to help my kids and my family when they need it. Which is great, and I feel awesomely blessed. But now that I've raised my kids and taken care of others all my life, I decided that I want some things for myself. One thing I decided I want to do is make beautiful things, paintings and other kinds of art -- but I couldn't get myself moving! So I took a great class and I plan to take another one. It helped! And the other thing I want is to look great and be in awesome shape -- and I just wasn't getting there on my own...so once again, I decided to reach out for help...and here I am! I think just the sole act of saying here in this space for others to see, "these are my goals" makes them more real and concrete. I am hoping this helps!
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