Tuesday, June 22, 2010
This blog is kind of personal. I canít believe I am posting it. But Iím going to be honest here in an effort to make this change stick.
So here goes.
All last week I was on a high. I was on a roll, sticking to my plan, even on a stressful business trip. Ok, it was a stressed out high, but a high nonetheless. I lost 2 pounds for the second week in a row, and I had a revelation about stress and caloric intakeÖI know, seems basic, but the experience of examining it in real time and stopping it at the source was eye-opening, to say the least. Definitely pointed out the need to find new and better stress control techniques (as opposed to getting lost three times and locking the keys in the car) but a victory nonetheless. And my presentation went well, so all was good.
Also, I was really looking forward to a date this weekend. A second date, need I say more?
So why, by Monday morning, was I feeling down and depressed?
Well, for one thing, two of those pounds reappeared when I hopped on the scale this morning (I usually weigh myself every day as a sort of an early warning system Ė but that may stop soon!)
That was depressing, but really not the thing that was bothering me most. No, what really did it was the fact that after a perfectly lovely date on Friday night, this prince among men didnít call all weekend. And then another fellow, a lunch date I was looking forward to this week, emailed wanting to reschedule for next week. And I said to myself, what? Really? I donít think so! Do I look like someone who can be rescheduled and ignored? In Dirty Dancing, who was it that said, ďNo one puts Baby in the corner!Ē I was so thereÖand in a very short time, I got myself well and truly wrapped around the axle!
Now before you start thinking that I am a bit of flake making such a drama of a couple casual little dates, let me be the first to say, you may be right! It surprises even me, a liberated woman from birth. And anyway, you may ask, what does this all have to do with my Spark plan, anyway? A little background:
Four years ago, I went through a divorce after an almost twenty-one year marriage. It was devastating, it was heart-breaking, it was all those awful things so many of you know so well. But since then, Iíve rebuilt my life and itís pretty good. I have two sons whoíve grown into fine young men, a job that mostly makes me happy, and great friends whoíve stuck with me through thick and thin. I have a lot of interests and Iím never bored.
Since I was divorced, Iíve had one relationship that I ended because I it wasnít going anywhere that I wanted to go. Good decision, no regretsÖ.and when I looked at what lead me to stay with the guy for almost two years, I had to look at some hard truths. In short, I had a tendency to put other people first.
So I stopped dating for awhile and took some time to think about what I really wanted. I came up with a pretty good idea of what I was looking for. And spent some time reconciling how to be happy on my own at the same time that I was looking for someone to share my life. I think thatís a pretty tough balancing act and probably the cause of a lot of stress in the world. (Need I add, especially among women!)
Also, I think a little tiny corner of my brain believed that old saw that says when you stop looking for it, itíll find you. Hmm, maybe for some people, but I am pretty sure itís not going to find me when Iím sitting home on my couch in my jammies Öand PLEASE GOD donít let it find me at work, because we are not going there!
And itís true, it would be nice to find someone. I enjoyed being married, all things considered.
So I started dating again. I hear itís like the lottery, if you donít play, you canít winÖ
But I needed a new attitude. A cíest la vie attitude. A ďdonít get all wrapped around the axleĒ attitude. An attitude that says I deserve the best. So thatís one thing Iíve been working on, a new attitude. Part of changing my lifeÖ
And I actually enjoy dating, unlike some folks I know. That is, until I meet someone I really like a lot. Doesnít happen much.
As a matter of fact, hasnít happened in ages. Hence the bad morningÖ.
In my rational mind, I know damn well it shouldnít bother me if a man doesnít call the next day. Either heíll call within a few days and maybe weíll go out again. Or he wonít, and we wonít. Fits in well with the new attitude, right? In theory, perfect!
But in my non-rational mind, yes! It bothers me. In the past, I would deal with a little disappointment like that by getting together with my girlfriends and having a glass or two of wine and engaging in some satisfying trash talk. And blowing my calorie count, because after a couple glasses of wine, a nice appetizer sounded pretty good. And whoops, there went the exercise plan out the window, too.
Even worse, I would put too much emotional energy into maintaining my equilibrium, focusing way too much attention on something I had no control over.
Same old story, isnít it? I know youíve heard it before. But itís my same old story, so I have to pay attention! Or itíll be playing in an endless loopÖGroundhog day all over againÖ
So this time, when it hit me again, I sighed in recognition, a weary tired sigh. I am tired of this reaction, the old programmed response.
So Iím trying something new. I am staying with my program. Monday morning, I got up, I made my breakfast, I packed my lunch and I went to work. Unapologetically late, because I slept an extra hour to catch up on the sleep I didnít get the night before. I worked all day. Work was my salvation when I was going through the divorce, the only place I could forget everything and focus on the task at hand. It works pretty well. When I came home, I wrote for a little bit and then I went for a 3 Ĺ mile run, a little tough at first but the last mile, all downhill in the cool green shade ending by the stream that runs behind my neighborhood, was beautiful. When I got home, I made some dinner and called my brother to make sure his sonís birthday present arrived. And I sat down again to write. And I felt better.
What took me so long? Ah well, what does it matter? Iím getting there. So, maybe heíll call and maybe he wonít. Maybe Iíll reschedule lunch or maybe not. But whatever happens, Iím not going to let my irrational responses to things that are beyond my control highjack my sanity. This is my resolve and I am determined to stick with it.