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oh gosh darn it

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I'm back.

Knockoutmouse is the name I use in every other place I document these things, but seeing as that was already taken and knockout.mouse and knockout_mouse both showed up strangely in different parts of the site, FINE: komouse it is.

I took the name from the lab mice used in genetic experiments*; I'm taking my cue from anyone who's ever gazed into the abyss, then said, "Screw it," and went on to do great things. Like not gazing into the abyss, for a start.

Man, this isn't even about loving my curves anymore. It's about beating this disease.



* en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knockout_mice

  


Single vs. Attached, etc.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

So this morning I'm back up to 161. Yo-yo, thy name is Susan. Time to take out the heavy guns (I guess?), which means as of this morning I will be faithfully, avidly, hardnosed-ly recording every oz. of this and g. of that that passes my lips.

I know a lot of you suggested I do this earlier when I first noticed the yo-yo trend. It's a good idea. You are smart people. I promise you I didn't write it off unthinkingly. But I keep flashing back uneasily to the last time I got serious about tracking my intake -- and the time before that -- and the time before that -- and I know, I know for a fact, that this habit is one of the fastest things that can turn me from a health-oriented goalmaker to a terrified self-loathing ED hysteric. Suddenly it's not enough to be within my range, I have to go below my range. I have to eat nothing but celery and drink nothing but water. I have to look like Keira Knightley or dear god, what use is my life???

So, um... needless to say, that is not at all a HAPPY mindset, never mind a healthy one. And it segues nicely into my next paragraph, which is my answer to the latest blog prompt: Is it easier to stick to a healthy lifestyle when you're single or in a relationship?

For me: when I'm single. Hands down. Single, single, single.

That may be unfair because I'm basing it partly on speculation, and the truth is, the last time I was single and worried about my weight was the time I started fasting all the time and taking copious handfuls of diet pills. But if I had my current frame of mind (albeit a fragile one to maintain), and no boyfriend? I think it might be easier.

And I'm not trying to "blame" my boyfriend for anything, and I'm definitely not trying to put him down; he's a terrific man, I am madly in love with him and I wouldn't trade him for the world. And lately he's even been -- off and on -- riding the Healthy Lifestyle horse with me. But it's the "off" moments that sometimes start a downward trend: pizza and calzones on a regular basis, salted peanuts and almonds for snacks, the occasional baguette with spinach dip at 9:00 PM. Since I'm already a constant snacker at heart, it's tough to turn these things down. And what's worse, if I do turn them down he starts to feel like I'm "no fun", too fixated on nutrition and weight loss to ever loosen up and enjoy "fun" foods. He's usually open to suggestions on what would make a healthier snack than salted nuts or store-bought spinach dip (they certainly don't use low fat mayonnaise, let me tell you). But not always.

And when I take it too far, well... He later apologized and said he hadn't realized how unsensitive it was at the time, but a while back when I was still struggling with EDs, he was constantly frustrated and irritable about the whole subject of weight loss and at one point told me, "This fixation on weight loss is the most unattractive thing about you."

...Um.

Anyway, for the last few months he's actually been making his own effort to live more healthfully -- small changes in diet, a little more exercise each day -- and he's already seen results in both numbers on the scale and spare inches in the waistline. So maybe in the long run we'll be in the same mindset and having him for support will actually make it easier to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Of course we have to ACHIEVE a healthy lifestyle before we can stick to it.

Which brings me full circle: it's time to start recording my intake.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHININGTHRU126 2/10/2009 1:06PM

    I suffer from not being as diligent @ using the tracker, but for different reasons than you.

And I, too, think it's easier to stick to the plan when you're single - you don't have to take anyone else into account which is simpler.

Having said all that, I need to use that tracker at night, not just morning and afternoon...

We can do this!

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GLITTERANDTWANG 2/10/2009 12:59PM

    Dude, it's like we're the same person sometimes :) Walking that fine line between being accountable and making calorie counting your life is hard, and I'm still figuring it out, too. And yeah, I sympathize with the stories about insensitive bf's. A couple years ago I decided to seriously cut back on my alcohol intake to lose weight, and my bf got really cranky at me because he was losing his drinking buddy. One night I totally lost it and screamed at him, "Do you want a party girl or a fat, unhealthy girl? THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!" Fortunately, he finally got the picture and has been more supportive since...

So, okay, one bit of advice...Do you live with your bf? With my SO, we have a nice division of labor: we handle our own breakfasts and lunches, and I make up weekly "menus" and grocery lists for our dinners. He gets veto power and can make suggestions, but I get to pick the recipes we use so I can make sure that we're getting healthy and exciting meals. Cooking together also helps: teaching my SO about different flavors and fresh, whole ingredients and how they work together seems to appeal to that tinkering and fixing gene most guys seem to possess :)

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WHAT.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Since I've been doing so much better the last couple of weeks -- eating better, exercising, drinking more water -- but avoiding the scale, I thought I'd bite the bullet this morning and weigh myself.

And it turns out I have GAINED WEIGHT. 5.5 pounds of it, to be exact.

Each time I weigh myself I'm heavier than the last time, and each time it's the heaviest I've ever been in my life! And it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm spending the whole day lounging on my sofa eating pizza or whether I'm walking to work and back, eating salads, drinking 4 bottles of water and doing wall pushups in the bathroom.

Is it hopeless???
What am I doing wrong?
How am I supposed to keep my efforts healthy and not regress into fullblown eating disorder mania if this keeps up?

...It's pretty overwhelming to think about right now, so today's menu is water, sushi rolls, and total denial.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLITTERANDTWANG 1/20/2009 11:06PM

    Oh honey, don't worry :) I agree that tracking your food is a good start. Make sure you're not eating too much, but also make sure you're not eating too little!

Also, there are (at least) three very possible explanations, none of which involve you actually backsliding:
1. You're not weighing yourself consistently. Always weigh yourself first thing in the morning, when your stomach is empty.
2. You're retaining water. This happens when you build muscle, and is usually followed by a loss. Watching your sodium intake (you can track it along with fat, carbs, etc.) can help.
3. You are losing fat, but you're also gaining muscle. Muscle is 3 times as dense as fat.
You probably know all of that already, but hopefully it'll be a good reminder :) Don't worry, you will see the numbers go down soon!

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KHART79 1/20/2009 9:03PM

    I've had that happen more times than I can count. I agree with MINDYHGP: If you aren't logging your food now, definitely start. And measure your food (something i'm guilty of not doing sometimes), because that can also help a lot to make sure you've got your portions right.

Sometimes the scale is unpredictable. You can be doing everything right, but still be up. Have you noticed how your clothes are fitting? I know sometimes I'll feel like I've lost weight, and my clothes feel loser, but the scale shows a gain.

I've been there, and I know how disappointing it is to see a gain when you're doing everything right. But, if you keep doing the right things, the scale will catch up eventually! For now, just try to concentrate on how your body feels since you've been treating it better :)

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MINDYHGP 1/20/2009 6:13PM

    Are you actually logging your food? I know when I don't log and "think" I'm eating right, I'm totally not! If you're not logging, I very strongly suggest it! It's a huge wake-up call!

Also, how do you feel? Do your clothes fit better or worse? Could it be gaining muscle/losing inches?

don't give up! You can do it!

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Accountability post!

Monday, January 19, 2009

So I seem to be launching into the week with a gung-ho, can-do attitude, which means either I'm doing great or I'm about to crash. LET US HOPE FOR THE FORMER, yes.

To help keep myself accountable, I'm going to post current plans and newly formed goals here:

Longterm stuff:

1. I've just added a bunch of 'other' goals to my nutrition page, including making sure I get 5 servings of fruit/veggies per day and making sure I eat at least 2 meals a day that feature low-fat protein sources. The fruit'n'veg goal is because I've been noticing more and more lately that I have trouble getting enough leafy greens and juicy fruit servings a day, and I notice it because when I go too long with too little I start moodcrashing all over the place. Vitamins = gooood, self, please keep it in mind? And the low-fat protein goal is because I started the morning with a little seafood and have felt light and energetic ever since. Good thing I usually stick to eggs, chicken and fish anyway!

2. As of this morning, I've also begun bringing my water bottle (an 18 oz stainless steel freebie I got when we moved into our new apartment!) to work with me each day, filling it up when I arrive at work, and then refilling it again as soon as it gets empty, every time it gets empty. Just like when I have a steady stream of snacks in front of me I compulsively snack on them, when I constantly have water in front of me I compulsively sip at it. What's more, for whatever weird Freudian reasons may apply, the spouted mouth of the bottle appeals more to me than the broad, intimidating rim of a regular water glass. I think it also helps that I'm not LOOKING at the water all the time, because the bottle is opaque; this way it doesn't feel like a nagging chore waiting to be attended to.

Aaaand shortterm stuff:

3. Today, instead of walking half a block to my favourite sushi place and parking my butt there with some miso soup, sushi rolls and a book for an hour, I'm committed to walking six blocks to the beautiful downtown library, filling up a box at Salad Loop, and then taking THAT (and my book) to one of the little tables in library square (see below). This means more exercise and better nutrition, plus I'll be eating surrounded by fresh air and sunlight instead of cramped tables and Japanese pop music.



Tatzel signing off...
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRNCSRIAH 1/19/2009 5:27PM

    wow! you are doing really great!

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not just another identity crisis

Friday, January 16, 2009

After some long hard consideration, I've changed my username to something that I'll actually associate with staying on track and reaching my goals. That said, the journey of loose associations that landed me at Tatzelwyrm was a twisted one, so I'll share a kind of explanation:

1) A big source of inspiration for me is martial arts movies;
2) More recently I developed an unfathomable love for Tarantino's "Kill Bill" saga;
3) The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad all have names of, appropriately enough, deadly vipers
4) There aren't any snake names left over that I particularly identify (or want to identify) with;
5) I remembered my favourite mythological beastie as a kid -- the tatzelwyrm, or clawed snake, a creature that looks like a snake with the head and forepaws of a cat.

So that's it, I guess.

Besides, "keymash" is the name I've been using everywhere else and I'm just plain tired of it. emoticon

  


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