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Missing Sudhir

Thursday, February 23, 2012

This happens every morning--I wake up and stretch out my arm and encounter nothing--because he's not there anymore!!!That jolts me awake and so many Memories come flooding back that I lie still for a few minutes to get hold of myself--for he is dead but I'm not---a fact that eats at my heart and my soul--what wouldn't I do to change places with him!!!
Our mornings used to be very dull.Actually it was the same everyday--but for me even being dull with him was special.Today I feel like I'm completely expendable now---no one really needs me any more!!The rush to make his demi-tasse cup of Tea-his fussiness about the amount of Food he'd eat for Breakfast---for he couldn't eat much in the mornings.I love a big Breakfast--he'd like a modest one--cribbing about the size of his Omelettes--the slices of Bread--everything would be too big!!Attending to his needs--- finding his Socks,Handkercheives,his Pen and his Cell Phone---I'd be rushed off my feet answering the 'Phone and the Doorbell till he left for Court-----I miss all of that terribly.Most of all I miss not seeing his beautiful smile and his mischievously sparkling Brown eyes--for he loved to tease me--beginning as soon as he got up each morning!!According to him I had no sense of Humour and according to me his was juvenile---and so we'd start our sparring early every morning!!
He and I would talk a lot---the fact that I knew nothing about Law never fazed him---he'd discuss his Cases with me--pointing out the finer points of each and bounce off his Arguments--actually not really talking about it to me but thinking aloud about how he would approach the problem in how many different ways!!His capacity to think clearly about the minus points of each and how to counter act those was what made him a great Lawyer--his desire to get Justice was what really mattered to him.I've heard him tell his Clients about the flaws in their Petitions---and there were many he advised to settle their differences with their Opponents---for he firmly believed that a lot could be achieved by sitting across the table and talking it out.I still get calls from some of his Clients who'd been with him since the early days of his Practice asking me how someone who was as healthy as he was just die so suddenly??My answer to them is "Only God knows!!"
Despite his reputation as a Lawyer (Advocate in India) he was a simple man and preferred to live a simple life--centered completely around his family.Before I fell sick we'd often meet for Lunch--dates he made with me on the spur of the moment when he'd unexpectedly get free earlier on certain days---and we'd fix Lunch at various places--The Taj, The Oberoi (now The Trident) and sometimes one of those tiny local places where the Food was fabulous but the ambience was not!!After a leisurely Lunch we'd drive back home---both of us talking about our respective mornings and everything else under the Sun---except History!!!I love the Topic and he couldn't stand it--for he thought that my answers were too long winded instead of short and to the point!!!We were always together---and I never left even to visit my mother--instead she and my sisters would come over to spend a few days with us.Every time he had to travel to the Supreme Court at New Delhi I'd go with him---our major separation from each other happened when our older daughter Lotta was born and according to Tradition I had to stay with my parents for 2 months before and 2 months after her birth.The other 1 month was in 1972 when I visited my parents with Lotta for a month long Vacation but Sudhir couldn't come because the Courts were working.Apart from these two periods we were like a pair of Siamese Twins--completely inseparable--out of Choice--not Necessity!!!
The past 11 yearsbrought with them a new pattern of Life--our younger daughter Sayali moved out to study further in USA and married her fiance Kartik there on 21 December, 2000.Lotta already was married--14th. February1993 and so we began a new chapter in our lives then.We'd always been close--Sudhir was my closest friend and confidant--but a new,deeper relationship built up during those last years---that of companionship.I think that is what I miss the most.It is the closeness that builds up when two people concentrate mainly on each other and their needs---the new understanding of each other's natures makes for a stronger,deeper bond that transcends the physical to reach a deeper more satisfying Spiritual one and that's when the Souls bond--like ours did!!Besides my illnesses brought us even closer--and was perhaps what ultimately killed him--for the thought of losing me to Death was what frightened him--and created the Stress that ultimately killed him---unfortunately it wasn't visible during his Doctor's Visits!!1

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUDLECRAZY 2/25/2012 10:05PM

    My dear friend, please do not blame yourself for the loss of your sweet Sudhir. It is a sad loss, and a hard one, but not one that you caused. When someone we love dies, it is natural to try to find reason or blame for their death, but the sad fact is, we are mortal and at some point we die. It is harder, perhaps, to be the survivor, the one who goes on with that feeling of loss and emptiness. I hope, in your heart, you understand that you were responsible for the love and joy you brought Sudhir, not what ultimately ended his life.

Sending you love,

Comment edited on: 2/25/2012 10:05:17 PM

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NITAINMN 2/25/2012 2:20PM

    A big hug to you, dear Komal. I know exactly what you mean...been there myself and its so peaceful to have that apex of spiriutal bondage at the top with the divinity that joins us like in a triangle. Keep seeing Sudhir in your spiritual life with that higher power, whatever you choose to call. emoticon

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RIDMYCOCOON 2/25/2012 7:40AM

    I don't know what to say. However, I hear your story. I do believe it is beautiful. emoticon

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    You were truely blessed with your relationship. Life will feel lonely for you but remember you are not alone!

Comment edited on: 2/25/2012 6:04:55 AM

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BOVEY63 2/24/2012 12:35PM

    Sending many hugs and good thoughts your way.

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KOMAL53 2/24/2012 12:25PM

    Till my Sudhir died I believed that I lived a charmed Life---that I had a hot line to God---that He'd never deny me anything---the most of all the honour of preceding my husband!!!Today there are times when I think i survived because I was the stronger of the two of us--and others when it tears me up inside to have lost him so totally---and completely!!!Thank You dear friends for your love and support---it's always one step forward and two steps back!!!

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DRASADAF 2/24/2012 10:42AM

    You know in a way u have been very lucky all ur life...there are so many women i know who spend years and never get a partner for life in their husbands...really u must continue to feel n live in those loving memories and thank god for the beautiful life he gave u with ur dear husband...i really admire u...n ur relation with ur hubby...masha allah..just be thankful to God always...and ur husband's love is forever there for u....he is not there but his love n nurturing towards u is still there.....Just Be happy always...he will also be happy then..

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*MADHU* 2/24/2012 8:46AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SAASHA17 2/24/2012 8:35AM


Komal...all I can say or do...is say I am here...if u need to talk..Im sorry...

Love u..


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RAIN454 2/24/2012 12:41AM

    Hi, Komal...its like almost midnight here. Came online to track my exercise minutes real quick for tomm is a busy day at work and I might forget and then I see on the right panel of my window that "Komal posted a blog". I had to read it and I just want you to know that there are people all over this world thinking of you and praying for you. We can prepare for so many things in this world, but not this. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Im glad that you are able to write out your feelings and I hope that in its own way, it brings some comfort to you. I truly do believe that God brought us in this world and he chooses when/how we leave it years and years and years before it actually happens so please dont hold yourself and/or your illnesses accountable for Sudhir's passing. Continue writing as we all love to hear your Sudhir stories and all the fun times you guys spent as kids and parents and grandparents. From the bottom of my heart, I send you my love and prayers all these miles away.

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Meeting a Slice from my Childhood!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Just a few days I received a call from my childhood friend Anita---better known to her friends as Pony---thanks to her thick swishy Pony tailed hair in School!! We've been fast friends since she joined or School in 7th.Grade---both in and out of School.Her parents had moved from Nagaland--one of our North Eastern States----her father was with the Indian Police and was then posted to Chandigarh from there.I had reached School very early that day--the beginning of the new School year---but she had beaten me to it by a few seconds.She was already seated next to the window--her thick auburn hair and light eyes catching the light streaming in from the window.Something about her was so fascinating that I swaggered up to her,introduced myself and dropped my School bag on the Seat next to her---and we became Classroom partners--sharing the same desk and bench!!!We got along like a house on fire---and she quickly became a part of our group of friends---which says a lot for we'd all been together since the 1st. Grade!!!As the years passed Pony and I bonded the most and by the time I got married we'd become each other's best friend---and that bond remains till today!!!I married straight out of High School---while Pony continued and completed her Education--passing out from College.We'd meet each time I went back to Chandigarh---the last time being in Summer 1973 for after that my parents shifted to Mauritius.Around the same time Pony too got engaged and married Ravinder---who turned out to be the son of one of my father's friends---and an old neighbour too!!We had all lived together like one large joint family since my birth till I turned five---and Ravinder was like an elder brother to me when I was a child!!!The World---as they say---is very small!!!He too remembered what a holy terror I used to be---and the scrapes I'd get into as well!!I was the known leader for most of the mischeif that was created and my childhood friend and cohort Polly--2 months younger than me--too passed on about 10 years ago--- at a very young age.
For the early years after our respective marriages we stayed connected by Post---writing copiously large letters to each other--for Ravinder was an Engineer--a Civil one---and they kept moving all over India and abroad on his Projects.It was when her daughter Pooja was working in Mumbai---around 1997---- that Pony and I met for the first time---- face to face after 34 years---when she came down to visit her!!!After Pooja left, her son Punit was posted here and lives here with his wife and two daughters and we've been meeting almost every time she comes down---barring a few when I think I was away visiting my daughters.This time it was Ritu who answered the phone when she called and she was stunned to find out about Sudhir----and they decided to come over to see me as soon as they could!!Both Pony and Ravinder came over to see me on Tuesday.Over Lunch the three of us went back in time---Ravinder and me to the earliest period of my life and Pony and me to our School days---and it acted as a soothing balm to my grieving soul.For a while I escaped into a very happy period of my Life--discussing memories of many people who were an integral part of our lives then.Pony filled me in about a lot of our old Friends--Ravinder's family still owns a House there--besides her own parents settled there too---so she still goes back there every 3-4 months regularly from Gurgaon where they now live.
It was a very enjoyable experience and they left with an Invitation for me to go stay with them in Gurgaon---maybe I just may take them up on the offer and do that later in the year--and then travel further North to meet my beautiful Mountains once more---to let them heal the void left in my Heart and Soul---if they can!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 2/25/2012 7:51AM

    Going to stay with them is a great idea. Traveling north and allowing your mountains to fill you up is ideal. I am so happy that you connected with them. That kind of friendship is priceless

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SOULTHIN 2/23/2012 7:48PM

    Thank you for sharing such memories. Good memories and friends are a balm indeed.
Komalji, do not hesitate, go and visit your friends and then, yes go North, I find that place such a beautiful paradise, so uplifting, calming and spiritual. If not now, when?

All the best,

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BOVEY63 2/23/2012 1:24PM

    How wonderful! Love those strong bonds of friendship that remain throughout our lives.

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XXMILAXX 2/23/2012 1:05AM

    Beautiful friendships like yours can the best medicine for the soul.

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DRASADAF 2/23/2012 1:04AM

    wow...felt nice just to read this...i hope it must have helped u feel good too...

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SAASHA17 2/22/2012 10:05PM

    Wow i admire ur friendship.

Im glad u cud meet her like tat.

Take care

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NITAINMN 2/22/2012 10:04PM

    Happy to hear you have many friends and family to soothe you at this period of grief, Komal. God bless! emoticon

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LESLIELENORE 2/22/2012 9:49PM

    What a beautiful friendship! Best wishes on your journey, wherever it may take you.

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Himalayan Memories---4

Monday, February 20, 2012

The mishap threw Sudhir completely---the dangers that it could expose us to was highlighted by the unfortunate incident---according to Sudhir it was a Blessing that the child escaped unharmed---it could have had a different ending otherwise---a very sad one!!By now I'd started arguing with God----HOW could He have brought us thus far and whetted our appetites without letting us proceed any further?For me Mussoorie had already lost it's appeal.Mummy was doing everything in her power to keep me calm---if that was God's will then so be it she said!!We packed up our Luggage---and many more people--also thrown by the incident joined us---till around 17 members out of a group of 27 people were preparing to leave the Tour!!That night I tossed and turned--not getting any sleep because I was distraught at leaving something I'd set my heart on accomplishing undone.However Sudhir woke up at 3.30 a.m. that day---and told me that we'd continue with the Tour.It seems he'd been tossing and turning through the night too---completely swamped with such a great feeling of Guilt that he felt it was better to go on--rather than repent later!!
We left the Guest House at Barkot an hour later for the beautiful Town of Uttar Kashi on way to the Source of the Ganges or Ganga as She is reverently called.We had to extend our stay at Uttar Kashi due to bad weather at Gangotri---a little before the Source at Gaumukh.We spent the day exploring the Town and visiting it's beautiful Shiva-Shakti Temple and offering our Prayers there.In that Temple that day a funny thing happened.Sudhir's maternal and my paternal Grandma was one and the same as we were first cousins.She had died a year earlier and we'd not been able to meet her before she passed away.That day in the Temple I met an old lady who looked exactly the same as Akka--our Grandma.It was uncanny for everything matched perfectly---her age,her gait and her appearance---and her gaze drew me to her involuntarily.As I bowed down to touch her feet in respect,I was surprised to feel Sudhir too doing the same---and as she blessed us a strange feeling of calm and peace came over us.By the time we straightened she'd disappeared---and both of us were left wondering whether we really saw her or was it just an Illusion--something that intrigues me even today!!
We left the next day for Gangotri and reaching there by evening went down to the beautiful Temple to pay our respects to Goddess Ganga.Unfortunately the fresh Snowfall in the upper reaches of the Himalayas meant that we could not visit the Source at Gaumukh because the Road was blocked---but we all accepted this with good grace---ultimately without His will nothing can happen!!We spent 3 days at Gangotri---and believe me we really felt that we were actually in Dev Bhoomi or The Land of The Gods---for we were overwhelmed with a strange contentment just to be there!!!

Guest House at Barkot

View to and from Uttar Kashi

The Ganges flowing al;ong the road to Uttar Kashi

The Temple at Uttar Kashi

The Town of Uttar Kashi at Dusk

The Ganga at Harshil,a Town on the way to Gangotri

Gangotri Glacier

Another View

The Gaumukh Caves

Another View of Gaumukh

The Temple at Gangotri

Another View

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 2/25/2012 7:58AM

    Incredible images

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NITAINMN 2/20/2012 1:37PM

    You have been blessed with many good and happy memories unlike most women of India, who suffer from poverty or mistreatment if we may call that or more accurately, lack of attention either from the husband, later from children, etc. So many blessings to count when our hubbies are good, loving and caring with affectionate children! All these trips and pilgrimates costing an amr and a leg besides time are just cream on top! Happy for you, my dear Komal. God bless with lasting bliss to your collection of joys!

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BOVEY63 2/20/2012 11:52AM

    You have been blessed with many wonderful adventures and seeing so much beauty! Thanks again for sharing them with us.

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Himalayan Memories--3

Monday, February 20, 2012

A view of the narrow Path up to the shrine--hugging the Mountainside with deep gorges falling away to 6000-7000 ft below!!!

Everyone traversing this Path wants to cling to the Mountainside---creating Traffic jams when people ascending and descending meet!

Another View

Yamuna Waterfall

Yamuna River

Temple to Yamuna River

The River near the Temple

The Tapt Kund or Hot Springs near the Temple

Bundles of Rice cooking in the Hot Springs

View of the Bandar Poonchh Mountain--site of The Yamuna Glacier

Another View of Tapt Kund

We had equipped ourselves with Umbrellas and Raincoats for the icy drizzle of Rain was known to hit the slopes of the upper reaches of the Himalayas and we were to reach heights of 1200 ft at the lowest and 1400 ft. at the highest levels.We began our journey after Tea and our first stop was at Daak Patthar---a beautiful Guest House built by the then Uttar Pradesh Tourism Department.Today it belongs to the relatively new State of Uttarakhand---meaning The Northern region.We left Daak Patthar at the break of Dawn--at 4.30 a.m.---all of us bathed and breakfasted.Sudhir had chosen the last five seats at the very end of the Bus and all five of us sat there huddled under the Blankets we'd bought at Haridwaar Bazaar.There was a nip in the Air as we travelled along the Banks of the Yamuna or Jamuna as She is popularly called.Her Sanskrit name is Kalindi for Her Waters have a dark Grey hue.We reached Hanuman Chatti from where the totous climb to the Temple started.Sudhir hired Ponies for us and we gingerly plonked ourselves into the Saddle.There were no reins--one had to grab the short Pommel and hang on for dear Life as the steep almost vertical climb began.Mummy's terrified and astounded face is frozen in my memory---she was scared out her wits---but she grit her teeth and carried on--for she was determined to make it to the top!!!
As we rode up the extremely narrow Bridle Path the Showers began hitting us without warning---turning the ground into a slushy Bog making sucking sounds each time the Pony lifted it's legs.The beautiful Flora and Fauna was breathtaking and the damp air invigorating---as we climbed higher becoming first chilly and then Icy!!I remember looking down from a height--maybe about 7000 ft. up into the steep Ravine---and seeing the dark Grey threadlike Yamuna river snaking it's way at the bottom!!!A ray of Sunlight had struck it and the white Marble rocks under it's grey Waters shone through the clear Waters.The steady stream of Pilgrims ascending and descending often led to Traffic Jams---nobody was willing to leave the protective side of the Mountain for the exposed side of the Ravine!!! Those days I wore only Saries---but that day had worn a pair of Pyjamas under my Sari as well--to keep my legs warm--and these helped me to grip the Pony tight without slipping off.Kantaben----Pushpaben's older sister--- unceremoniously slid off her Pony and flew off to land smack in the slushy Mud due to her slippery and wet Sari!!!We reached Janaki Chatti--halfway up the Temple Site by noon---and feasted on fabulous hot crispy "Aaloo Parathas"--Potato stuffed spicy Indian Bread--- at the Dhaba or Eatery there.We then deposited our overnight Luggage in the Rooms alloted to us and climbed up further to reach Temple.
There are Hot Springs called Tapt Kund up there and have been divided into bathing Tanks for Men and Women to refresh and purify themselves before paying Homage to the Goddess.A separate portion of the Hot Springs is used for cooking---bundles of Rice and potatoes are tied in Muslin Cloth and left to cook in the bubbling Waters.By the time the Religious Ceremonies are over the Food is ready.Seasoned with Salt,Chilli Powder and Ghee it is first offered to the Goddess and then eaten as Prasadam.It was an amazing experience to sit near the Temple and soak in the blessed Peace and Tranquility of the place for sometime before beginning the perilous climb down the steep Path to Janaki Chatti for the night. By the time we arrived back at Janaki Chatti it had begun pouring in earnest and the entire group was drenched through---and shivering.Large Glasses of hot Ginger flavoured Tea and a change of clothes dispensed with the chill and all of us gathered in the Verandah--warmly wrapped in Blankets--gazing up at the Mountain--reflecting on the experience of the day.The Rain stopped and the moon rose over Bandar Poonchh--the Source of Yamuna and night was transformed into a Magical experience!!!The cold silvery Moonlight created ripples and shadows amongst the rock strewn Landscape creating an ethereal and surreal effect on our senses---and that Scene has remained frozen into my mind forever!!
The next day we began climbing down from Janaki Chatti and halfway down the route an accident occurred.The Pony carrying the son of one of the Families in our Party slipped on the loose pebbles on the wet Path---and swung out over the deep Ravine.Luckily the little boy used his instincts and grabbed the Pony's neck in a stranglehold just as the Pony handler flung himself down next to a huge boulder for support---- hanging on to the Pony with all his might.The other Pony handlers and our Guide,Ram Singh moved like Lightning to help swing the Pony back on to the Path again.This scared the entire Party---for such Fatal Incidents are a regular occurence on this Route---and rescuing anyone who has fallen into the Ravine is impossible for the steep sides are intraversible!!!This incident scared Sudhir so badly that to my greatest dismay he took the decision to turn back at the first opportunity!!

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BOVEY63 2/20/2012 11:49AM

    So beautiful but with my fear of heights, not sure I could make the trip.

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    I read all three before I could comment.You have the heart of an adventurer, me too! I would have enjoyed your entire trip. Thanks for sharing it in detail! emoticon

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LATTELEE 2/20/2012 1:01AM

  Thanks for the photos and information, great!

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Himalayan Memories--2

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Our Pilgrimage to Chaar Dhaam or Four Destinations took place by chance in 1987.That year my mother accompanied us on our Summer Vacation---for both my sisters were married then and she was living alone.We'd made plans to revisit the Kashmir valley with her--we'd already been there earlier in May 1983.However when we reached New Delhi we were told that all the flights and train routes to the Valley were blocked---the only recourse open to us was a 24 hour Bus ride to Srinagar---a choice rejected instantly by Sudhir because no matter how luxurious the Bus--a 24 hour Journey was out of the question!!Finally it was decided to meet his friend Narayanda and his wife Pushpaben at New Delhi Station and decide on what to do.
Narayanda and Pushpaben were taking a group of 27 members from their families---a mixture of Marathi and Gujarati Communities on one of the top Hindu Pilgrimages---the visit to the Sources of the Ganges(Ganga) and Jamuna as well as the Shrines of Kedarnath dedicated to Lord Shiva and Badrinath dedicated to Lord Vishnu.We decided to join them as far as the Temple Town of Haridwaar on the Banks of the River Ganga---and from there proceed to Dehradun and further up to Mussoorie---which the Sudhir and the children had not visited before.However on meeting Narayanda at the Station we came to know that a family of 5 members had dropped out at the last minute---if we wanted we were welcome to join the Tour!!Mummy was ecstatic---a Pilgrimage that all devout Hindus dreamt of---dropping like a ripe Plum in our laps---totally unexpectedly!!!There could be no greater Joy than this---the Ultimate Vacation for her!!
We reached Haridwaar the same day evening from Delhi by road---and stayed there for 4 days---paying homage to the Holy River and visiting the religious sites in the surrounding---the town of Kankhal where the Goddess Sati was said to have immolated Herself in a Sacrificial Fire to avenge an insult to Her Lord Shiva at the hands of Her father Daksha.The peaceful ambience of the Town is palpable---one can physically experience the Peace and Traquility that abounds.The highlight ofcourse was the Evening "Aarti" or Homage to the River on it's banks with the lighted Lamps and the sound of Conch Shells resounding from the majestic backdrop of the Hills.The River was alight with tiny boats made from Leaves carrying Offerings and Oil Lamps floated in the River---the Current swirling them very fast downstream!!!The moment of Twilight is beautiful,awe inspiringly Magical---it has to be experienced in person!!!
On the evening of the 7th of May 1987 we started our Pilgrimage and our first stop was the Source of the River Jamuna---the daughter of the Sun God and the younger sister of Lord Yama--the God of Death.

Evening "Aarti" of Goddess Ganga

"Har-Kee-Pauri" Ghat of River Ganga at night

Evening View of River Ganga

Another View

Leaf Boats with Offerings

Leaf Boat with Offerings and lit Lamps set afloat on the River Ganga

The Daksha Mahadev Temple at Kankhal--site of Sati's Immolation

The Banks of the River Ganga or Ganga Ghat

The Ghat at Kankhal

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NITAINMN 2/19/2012 1:57PM

    Your memory also is Himalayan, Komal! Though, I have not been here personally, my memory of the videos and photos by my brother from his visit and some of the friends' visits is quite clear in my mind too. When my SIL and brother went together to Char Dham, they were unable to complete the trip due to torrents of rain, though, my brother was already there quite a few times. So, my brother took SIL back again......this pilgrimate seems to have gained quite a bit of popularity amongst Konkanis of Konkan area, due to the fact that our original temples are still there - we supposedly originated from (Kashmir Brahmins) here to have settled in Goa (one limb went towards Bengal, and perhpas one limb is Marat'hi speakers). So happy you had an opportunity have made the trip with Sudhir, as it is supposed to be done. emoticon

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BOVEY63 2/19/2012 12:30PM

    Such beauty!

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XXMILAXX 2/19/2012 4:26AM

    good times..nice

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