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My Cataract Story!!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I just discovered a new fact around 28th.November 2011----when Cataract starts developing one gets one's Vision back---for a short period!!That's exactly what happened to me---around mid July 2011.I just couldn't see clearly through my Glasses---and stupid me thought that the cause was the fact that my Sugar Levels were being better maintained than earlier!!!Making Hay while the Sun shone I read loads of Books without my Glasses--reading even the fine print with the greatest ease---little realising the significance!!!Also I kept putting off my visit to the Opthalmologist because I had got my vision back.While Sudhir was surprised at this developement it did not alarm him unduly---for if I could see normally that was a good thing for me---and so we both let things drift.We left for L.A. on the 18th. November deciding to meet the Doctor on our return to Mumbai---but Sudhir passed away suddenly just 24 hours after we reached---and then I began losing my vision slowly in my Left eye.
The scene at Lotta's home was extremely stressful to say the least---Sudhir dying and coping with the last Rites,her father-in-law already in Hospital advised an immediate Bypass Surgery----there was lots of pressure on everyone and so I forgot my eyesight for the time being.As time began passing and her father-in-law came home after his quadruple Open Heart Bypass things became even more stressed---for coping with such issues increased everybody's Stress levels.Once things started settling down a bit I decided to fly home---and flew back on the 22nd. of November 2011---with little or no Vision in my left eye.Sayali and Kartik flew down from London on the 24th. November and took an Appointment for me with the Opthalmologist on the 28th.November.
After the Condolence Meeting on the 26th.November as well as meeting my Siblings and his the entire house was shrouded in Grief and Pain---and that's when I found out that I had Cataracts in both my eyes---the left eye Cataract was ready to be removed immediately!!After the necessary Tests--which thankfully turned out really encouraging---the first Eye Surgery was scheduled for the 1st. of December.I'm not uasually a nervous type but somehow was a bit apprehensive about the Surgery---the first without Sudhir to hold my hand!!!There was actually no need to be nervous---for the Opthalmologist was an old friend of Sudhir's from his Juniour School days---and his wife happens to be my childhood Friend from Chandigarh---so with my usual resignation and stoicity I faced the Operation bravely!!!
Once the Operation started I settled down and began enjoying the experience.There was a cool Liquid pouring into my eye and beautifully intense Colours dancing around me---swirling Blues fading into Shocking Pink and then into striking Purples-----suddenly it all turned a beautiful velvety Charcoal Grey background with beautiful dots and stripes shimmering all over it---and after about 5 minutes the dancing Colours reappeared again.The entire Operation lasted for barely 15 minutes---but it was one the most beautiful and enjoyable experiences of my Life!!!By the time the Operation of my right eye came around on the 10th.I was a pro---impatiently awaiting the beautiful Splash of Colours again!!!This time it seemed even shorter than before---I actually asked the Doctor as to how it could be over so soon when he'd just started???
Today if I had a choice I wouldn't mind going through it again---and love every minute of it too!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERWORKEDJANET 1/15/2012 2:38PM

    You are so funny, describing the surgery as you did.I almost want to go back to see what I missed!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought it was so odd, not sure how it was done for you. I was awake the entire time and talking to my surgeon. As he put in my new lens, I could see air bubbles which he assured me he would remove!
Isn't medicine so interestingly wonderful?

Next thing I knew I was eating cookies with my husband and looking at his face easily. Once we walked outside I could see well immediately

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NITAINMN 1/14/2012 5:25PM

    Oh Komal! That would be just like you to find joy in every miserable situation....glad you enjoyed the cataract surgery. Unless someone has been thru it, or shared with us or read about it, none of us would have known that your eye sight improves before cataract sets in. Learning something new myself. How many days did you take to recover? Happy to note all ended well in your eye situation. emoticon

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BOVEY63 1/14/2012 11:59AM

    That does sound quite interesting. So glad it went so smoothly for you.

I love your new profile picture with Sudhir!
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Another Day!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Time passes so quickly that one remembers certain events like they took place yesterday---when in reality months or years even pass by!!!Today was one such day-----a sad one!!Meena Tai--Sudhir's oldest cousin passed away in February 2011---today was her first Death anniversary by the Hindu Calender.Her mother and Sudhir's were first cousins married to two brothers belonging to the same family and because of this the bond between this batch of first cousins was closer than most---they loved each other like siblings!!
Somehow Sudhir had developed a feeling of similarity between my health problems and Meena Tai's--both of us had heavy Diabetes and Heart problems---both of us had been through Angioplasty.Luckily she escaped Cancer while I fell prey to it.She lay in a coma for 10 days---surviving on machines before she finally passed away---and seeing her husband Shahu's plight Sudhir identified with him to the extent of imagining himself in that state!!!We visited Shahu for the Ganapati Festival---for they used to host it with a lot of Festivity and Fervour.This year somehow the spirit was missing---though the Celebrations were technically perfect---and our attention was drawn frequently to a beautifully lifelike Picture of Meena Tai on the wall---prominently placed.
Shahu's loneliness and how much he missed her could be palpably felt and this prompted Sudhir to stay longer than usual---but how deeply it had moved him was something I realised that night.That night he clutched me tightly in his arms and wept----all the while begging me not to die on him like Meena Tai did to Shahu---for he just couldn't even imagine life without me.This went on for some time till I finally promised him that the two of us would die together just to calm him down---but I could see the fear in his eyes daily till he saw me after he reached home each evening after Court.Perhaps it was this fear that stressed him out so completely that it finally took it's toll on his heart.
Today like Shahu I'm the one facing all the loneliness and pain and seeing the toll it's taken on Shahu I know that Sudhir would never have coped in a similar situation--so I guess---God knows best!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XXMILAXX 1/12/2012 2:13AM

    Well said. God does know best, even when we sometimes don't know why or how to accept it. Sudhir and God made you into the strong woman that you are today, and even though the pain will always be there, you know how to survive and you will be able to take care of yourself. emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/12/2012 2:14:00 AM

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OVERWORKEDJANET 1/11/2012 4:47AM

    Perhaps you are left first because you can be stronger alone. Who realy knows why? PLease live you life to the fullest for those around you enjoy seeing you.

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*MADHU* 1/11/2012 1:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAIN454 1/10/2012 2:24PM

    I remember when I was in high school...from the ages of 14-17, I would get in these weird depressed states where I'd start thinking that one day my parents would die and I couldn't handle the thought...during these periods I would get really reclusive and randomly go hold them and not let go. Some days I would just be in the same room with them so I could hold on to the moment for as long as I could. It was so drastic and really scary how upset I would get esp when nothing was really wrong with them and they were fairly young back then so I dont know why I freaked out like I did. Anyways, these periods would last for about a month right after the holidays and then eventually I'd snap out of it. Your Sudhir story made me think of it. Hope I didn't offend you by my story...yours is more real and concrete and definitely a greater pain as you were going through so much that the fear of losing you was so "real" for Sudhir. And what you are going through right now is so much harder than all of these. Its amazing that you have so much strength (you do even if there are moments when you don't feel it) and like you said, God knew it all along.
Luv you, Komal. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

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NITAINMN 1/10/2012 1:54PM

    Yes Komal! I agree, God knows best and even knows how much each of us can bear and He never gives us more than what we can bear or tolerate. Lots of love and a big bear hug to you Darling!Take care of yourself. emoticon

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BOVEY63 1/10/2012 1:36PM

    emoticon
Lots of hugs to you sweetie.

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SAASHA17 1/10/2012 11:51AM

    emoticon

Take care
Manasa

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Keeping Busy!!!

Monday, January 09, 2012

Trying to fill a void is never easy--specially when your entire Life has fallen apart!!!however one has to find a way out of the mess and lick one's wounds and start again--to Live!!I'm trying to do the same--a process which takes one step forward and two steps backward!!!
My Cataract Operations were the most boring period for me.I've never been a T.V. person--give me the good old Radio and a pile of Books and I'm set!!Of course the Computer too has become an addiction as well so my time gets equally divided between finishing my Chores,reading and working on the Computer!!However all these activities took a backseat for almost an entire stretch of 3 weeks---the Cataract Operaitons were the culprits!!!My only solace was the Radio---Thank God for FM channels which operate 24 hours every day!!!Sayali was here for both of these the first being on the 1st. and the second on the 10th. of December.She took over along with her husband Kartik and my sister Ritu---and I was left to my own thoughts----a mixed bag!!!
Sudhir and I had planned to make a few changes to the house before we left for this Trip to L.A. and when I told Sayali this she got everything organized so that the work started on the process of changing things around slightly.In India we live in homes built with Bricks and Cement.The Cement needs Sand---and this is where the White ants sneak in.The main task was to remove the Wooden Window Frames and replace these with Aluminium ones---and these needing much lesser space give the Windows a more spacious look--letting in a lot more Light and Air!!!Besides Storage space too is necessary for our Flats aren't really big where carpet area is concerned so that too got done besides fixing a light Aluminium Net in a Box fashion to the Windows---this helping to give the two Bedrooms a ore spacious look!!
When this was done I rearranged the Furniture a bit---and really began missing Sudhir terribly!!!how he'd simply have loved the way our home looks now!!!Bright,airy and so very spacious---so much of the clutter got stored in those extra Storage areas!!!One clutter I would still have welcomed eagerly---and never changed---would be the piles of Briefs laid out on every single open surface-----Sudhir being a highly successful Lawyer meant having loads of Paper in the house---another reason to be wary of Termites/White Ants!!However most of that clutter was removed by both---- his Court Clerk Babu and our Chauffeur Pradeep before I returned from L.A.---they both worked for that entire month sifting through all the Cases,contacting Clients and returning their Briefs to them and taking a Reciept for each Brief returned!!!Despite that I still have 4 large Filing Cabinets filled with Briefs--these are his copies and I don't feel like getting rid of these---makes me feel as if he's still there!!!
Today I've placed two Wicker Chairs in the Balcony overlooking our Garden---something we never got round to doing in all the time we've been living here and so now my day starts with siiting there and reading the Newspapers------every single morning for the last one Week!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERWORKEDJANET 1/11/2012 4:43AM

    Be happy with your new spaces.

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NITAINMN 1/10/2012 2:04PM

    I was wondering what changes you had made to the bedroom and home. Glad to hear of more light and air. Balcony sounds very inviting....enjoy the outdoor weather and your wicker chair, not just for reading papers but also, to enjoy a cup of afternoon tea, Komal! Thank our children for little thoughtful deeds. :-) emoticon

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BOVEY63 1/9/2012 12:57PM

    So happy to hear the cataract surgery went well.

I'll bet it's beautiful sitting out on the wicker chair. May your memories continue to carry through your grief.
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ATMANI 1/9/2012 7:32AM

    Nice to read your blogs again. Glad to note that the surgery went well. Take care, brave lady.

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SAASHA17 1/9/2012 12:47AM

    I can imagine the new windows...and the wicker chairs...
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Im glad the operations went well..take care

Manasa

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My Religious Sentiments

Friday, January 06, 2012

I'm writing about my way of looking at both Faith and Religion---anyone of those prevalent today.One could be born a Hindu,Muslim,Zoroastrian or to any sect of Christianity---all have one sentiment in common----a deep love of Peace.No Faith or Religion advocates Hatred or War--it is the way Humans interpret the various Teachings of different Faiths and Religions that causes problems.This also is my reply to my very dear SP Friend Zanna Chan.
After Sudhir passed away all the members of our Condominium in Mumbai held a Prayer Meeting for him and Fatima one of my dear friends who happens to be Catholic and her daughters lighted Candles in his memory.They placed these lit Candles on the Parapet of our circular enclosed area in the Compound----the reason to remark on these is that these were lit in the early evening and despite strong Winds these stayed lit till they burned down to the very end----that was at midnight.Fatima had kept a lookout to ensure that the flame did not die----but it just did not need to be relit!!!
Not just that Sudhir was singularly lucky to get Blessings from all Religions.Most of his clients who were Muslims also prayed for him to find eternal Peace as did his Zoroastrian Friends.His last Rites were performed by me according to Hindu Religion and both my daughters joined me to press the buttons on the Gas Crematorium-----but he was laid out in a beautifully polished Oak coffin in style.The unusual thing here was that women in our Community do not even enter the Crematorium---leave alone performing the last Rites---but if I had died that's what he'd have done for me----and I just did it for him because there was no room for even our daughters in the relationship he and I shared.We were literally one Soul divided into two separate bodies!!
There was a short Memorial Service said for him by the Captain of the Boat we hired to disperse his Ashes in the Pacific Ocean--------and that was one moment imprinted very clearly in my mind.The Sea was as calm and unruffled---like a sheet of Glass when the Captain dropped anchor in the Ocean---pretty far off shore---and we covered his Ashes with layers of beautiful,fragrant Roses on both sides.After the brief but beautiful Service,the Basket containing the Ashes was then slowly lowered towards the Water when it suddenly overturned of it's own volition and the entire contents just rained down into the calm Water.He had always been incredibly impatient in Life---and so also in Death he just couldn't wait to get the final Service over and done with!!!We stayed on the spot for a full 10 minutes---and the Roses formed a ring around the Boat and then followed us home almost to the Shore!!
I think that in Death as in Life,Sudhir recieved the Love,Best Wishes and Blessings of so many people belonging to different Religions and Communities---and I honestly feel that because of all that he was really and truly blessed by The Almighty!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NITAINMN 1/10/2012 1:59PM

    What a beautiful summary....thanks for sharing with us, dear Komal. God bless and rest Sudhir's soul in peace and keep you healthy and independent with peace and contentment! emoticon

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MILLISMA 1/8/2012 9:53PM

    emoticon emoticonGod bless you and your family.

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OVERWORKEDJANET 1/7/2012 2:37PM

    Beautiful I believe they are with us always.
We took my mother's ashes out on a rocky sea. The biggest wave bypassed me and hit my brother square in the chest. We laughed so hard at her final scolding to him!

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LAURAKS555 1/6/2012 7:59PM

    I love how his personality is there even in his ashes. :) I've heard from movies that a love match marriage lasts for seven lifetimes. That would be something to look forward to, while enjoying this alone time. I always try to think things happen for a reason and to look for the positive, though.

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BOVEY63 1/6/2012 4:37PM

    It is so wonderful when different religions come together for one purpose. Wish there was much more of it in our world.

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CHIEF_GEEK 1/6/2012 11:48AM

    I could not disagree with you more. Most wars in our history of humans have been over religion. To say that No Faith or Religion advocates Hatred or War is just down right crazy!

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*MADHU* 1/6/2012 11:24AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SAASHA17 1/6/2012 11:17AM

    he sure does everything his own way:) Love that trait about him from what u have blogged about him. He was a great guy and I am glad to know him through you.
Take care buddy and i know its hard but "this shall pass too"...

love u loads
Manasa emoticon

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RAIN454 1/6/2012 11:16AM

    I get so frustrated with supposedly strict "religious" people who don't think they can associate with other people religions. God (of any religion) does not teach hate and thats all your advocating when you refuse others in that way. Fortunately, you were blessed with great friends who don't think like that. Fatima and her careful watch of that candle is just beautiful...and the fact that it never had to be relit is just a true testament to the existence of higher powers around all of us. God Bless :)

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Learning to Live--Alone

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The New Year has dawned and Life continues----with loads of major changes!!!My older son-in-law Mehul asked me in L.A. after all the Funeral Rites were over to try and relax----and learn to take things a little easier now that I was by myself.My biggest problem is letting go of my daily routine.My day used to begin by 7 a.m. with 1 warm glass of Water and 15 minutes on my Morning Walker.By 7.30 a.m.m fresh Milk would arrive and Sudhir too would wake up to his cup of Bed Tea---made with the freshly delivered Milk.After this the actual Day would begin.The Doorbell would ring constantly---the Newspaper,the Bread Wallah,then Hirabai to collect the previous day's Garbage,then the Vegetable Seller with bunches of Fresh Greens and finally the Dhobi with freshly ironed batch of Clothes delivering the earlier day's load and collecting the fresh one---all that still continues but with one major difference.Sudhir is missing----and with him the rightness of my day!!!
I never realised how much the tiny things that made up my routine meant to me-----cooking his Breakfast,doing the small mundane chores for him like running his Bath,keeping his Closet clean,ensuring that his Handkerchieves and Socks were where he could find them easily and most of all cooking his Meals.It used to be a constant battle---- gauging his moods and cooking accordingly---rotating Menus he liked!!However what I miss most is our daily bickering---over small,mundane issues---so insignificant that even when these occurred they could not be recalled with clarity!! We were like an old pair of Bedroom Slippers for each other---well worn,comfortable and indispensible to the wearer.Now my pair is gone---and his pair lives on wondering where Life is going to lead--- and in which direction!!
Taking baby steps on my part has begun--it is getting into a comfortable stride that will perhaps take some time.I'm very lucky that he left everything in perfect order-----ensuring a smooth transition for me.He looked after everything so well that I never needed to bother with the Banking and such other aspects of Life---the Home was my Domain--outside the Home was his!!I'm learning now---with Sayali and Kartik both being Bankers they're explaining stuff to me as it comes along----and I'm learning to look after things--very reluctantly---but I guess I'll get there eventually!!!My practical side has already begun waking up and slowly things are falling into place-----it's the ache inside my heart that refuses to go away---and makes me cook more quantities than required and other sundry stuff of a similar nature which is now in the "trial and error" stage of getting set that bothers me.So many things I needed for him is what I don't need anymore---for I'm not fond of these things at all.Conditioning my mind into thinking about "Me" and not "Us" after a living together for 41 years is going to be tough and challenging----but ours not to question why!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NITAINMN 1/10/2012 2:12PM

    Your blogs have brought all your family members close to our hearts too, Komal! I too shall miss Sudhir thru you. I am so sorry for your loss and I can understand what you mean by a pair of old bedroom slippers! hehehehe...that's what has happened to my dearest Nitya and Myself after 39 years of marriage. Its not easy to live without the other...yes, we are lacking in some things and may be great in other but, we all have the strength for the 'other' too since each human being has both masculine and feminine aspects embedded within. Its not easy to teach an old dog new tricks but, can be done. I am glad your have the support of Sayali and Kartik. Take care of yourself. With love, hugs and HIS blessings!

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BOVEY63 1/6/2012 4:27PM

    Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your beloved Sudhir - healing will come one step at a time. When you need someone to lean on, I'm just a click of the computer away, along with others who care for you.
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PRACHI17 1/6/2012 11:40AM

    I am so sorry for your loss . I think you are very brave . After we lost my father my mom had completely given up on life and everything else , starting 11th jan will be the first time she will live alone in our new house. It is better since she doesnt have all those memories around her but then it is difficult cause she has no memories around her .. i hope you know what I mean .
There are aspects of our Indian society that I am experiencing through my mother that i never could have imagined existed ... you are very Brave , I am very proud of you


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OVERWORKEDJANET 1/6/2012 4:53AM

    Routines are good, they give you continuity in the face of change.I feel your days go very slowly, but they will go by. You will see him in everything you do and that is also a good thing. For why was he yours except to be in your heart forever. emoticon

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ZANNACHAN 1/6/2012 2:09AM

    My dear Komal, I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been keeping up on my blogs lately--life has been insanely hectic and something had to give, and internet time was what ended up going. So I'm only just now reading that he passed away.

I'm not Hindu and I'm not sure what is appropriate, but if it's okay I'll keep him and you--and your children--in my thoughts and prayers, and light a candle for him tomorrow (that's a Catholic tradition, but one I borrowed after I stayed in Mexico. There's just something so... hopeful, about lighting a candle in prayer). The way I figure it, God hears the intent, whatever our faith. But I would not want to offend.

It is hard. I've not been there myself (thankfully, my husband hopefully still has many years ahead of him) but I remember when my grandfathers died, especially my mom's father who got cancer and went very quickly. There's a hole. Eventually, you'll adapt. You will always miss him, but it does get easier. You'll find ways to cope; I know you will, you're strong and even if you feel alone you really aren't. There's your children, and the rest of your family, and your friends. Even those of us who are internet friends, who have never met in person, are there in spirit. You'll grieve, and find peace in your faith, and strength you may not realize that you had.

I don't know if this helps, but I'll grieve for him too. I've never met him--I live halfway around the world--but you brought him so much alive in your blogs I feel like I did know him, and will miss him. He was the kind of person to have that effect on people.

*Hugs*



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JYOTI68 1/6/2012 12:13AM

    I am so sorry for your loss and although time passes by the memories still haunt and ache the heart everyday. Your blog is very touchy. It makes me rethink about some things in life. Little daily pleasures of our significant others company are so valuable that we are unable to think while they are present. We only miss them only when they are gone and make us realize how valuable they were.

I hope that you can find peace in your mind and strength to be able to live alone. emoticon

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*MADHU* 1/5/2012 1:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SAASHA17 1/4/2012 11:45PM

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