Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sounds drift across my Consciousness
Stirring my relaxed and supine Senses
I lie back and experience the sensation
Luxuriating in just being here,now, Alive
So much to be Grateful of,to give Thanks for
So much to do,to Experience,to Share
So much to Delight in,Enjoy and Appreciate too
Each single Instance is new,Unique and Rare
The simple fact that Life is this Moment, Now and Here
Time goes by inexorably forward, never to Return
Life is a Silent River flowing on,at times Muddy, at times Clear
The Wheel of Events is irreversible in it's every Turn
Stringing together all those invaluably precious Memories
Like a myriad shimmering Jewels in my reverent Clasp
I lock these away in the Treasure Trove of my Mind
Lest they slip out like Quick Silver from my Grasp!!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Basically I feel Indians specially the women are an inhibited lot.since the time we are born we are taught the "proper" etiquette and to conform----anybody who raises a question is termed a "rebel" and gradually pushed to one side-----natural impulses are either subdued or controlled.Each one of us has pet peeves---most of these are connected to our appearances and social behaviour.My parents came from a comparitively broad minded back ground and so there were not much restrictions on me till I started School----it was the Nuns who made me aware of the "Good" and "Bad" aspects of being a girl.
The word "Ladylike" applied to everything---the way one walked, stood,sat,ate----there was a ladylike way of wiping your face----you just didn't scrub it dry!!!
This new education led me to the awareness of my body---it's shape,it's bad points----which according to me far out weighed the good----and in turn this awareness led to creating inhibitions where none existed.As I grew older,the self awareness and the self criticism grew stronger.For me my body was far from perfect------I was thin,gangling and wiry,flat chested but had a paunch and heavy hips------this was my perception of my shape----therefore far from perfect!!!!I never wore Pants or Jeans or tight Dresses because I felt these accentuated my weak points----preferring instead the full gathered Skirts,flowing Kameezes teamed with tight Churidars----my legs were my plus point according to me!!!!I felt that my nose was too big for my face and my face itself too square!!!I have a cleft chin---a very pronounced one and high cheekbones----which I felt gave my eyes an almond shape----making these look small and slightly slanted---when I really wanted huge eyes----like most Indian actresses those days had!!!My hair was another cause for worry-----each hair was very fine but the growth was extremely thick and long!!!We used to plait our hair in two plaits which would then be folded and tied up with bows of Black ribbons---we called these "Cocker Spaniel's ears"!!!My up turned plaits reached my waist and would rise up an inch on both sides of my hair parting-----causing Mother Marcia-----our Mother Superior----to ask me to open my plaits and drag a comb through these---she suspected I'd back combed my hair to get that Bird's nest look!!!I looked like a witch for the remainder of the day----Mummy used to plait my hair everyday---I didn't know how to!!!!
We were taught the basic "musts" of behaving in a proper manner---the extremely traditional and conservative atmosphere surrounding the School added to the strict discipline we adhered to within it's precincts.From here I went to a Girls College--only for Girls!!!This was the place where I was initiated into the basics of personal care----waxing my arms and legs,plucking my eyebrows and mustache-----the fact that my arms and legs were unwaxed made my situation so pitiable thanks to the "smart" students surrounding me---I literally came home and wept!!!!Mummy went out and bought 3 bottles of Hair removing cream---and next day I went back to College with silky smooth hairless limbs!!!It was a painful brush with the grown up World---and I wanted to crawl back into my safe School years-----College was a pain!!!I was very dissatisfied with everything---my body,my face,my hair------and regular hair removal from my limbs was an added pain----nothing was the way I wanted it to be!!!
Marriage to Sudhir was Godsent---he was very good for my ego----he loved the way I looked,he was obsessively possesive about me and after a long time I became the central focus in someone's life again!!!His support made me start becoming comfortable with being ME------I began developing and gaining a personality of my own and though didn't lose all my awkwardness---did acquire a fair amount of polish.I have always been very inhibited while mixing in a mixed male-female crowd---I either talk too much or not at all!!!!I'm very conservative and my dress code is totally old fashioned for myself----I wear long,loose Sari blouses with lots of safety pins holding the "Pallu" of my loosely draped Sari in place----or I wear loose high necked Salwar Kameezes---loose enough to hide my sizeable paunch!!!Wearing clothes that accentuate my non-existent curves is not for me---I hate to overflow any of my garments!!I used to be very sensitive about everything---never wore Chiffons after putting on weight though I adore them because I thought these emphasised my bulges.All this changed in 2002---the Dengue put me at the mercy of the Nursing Staff----I was undressed and sponged by them without any heed being paid to my requests of needing to be covered up---some of my discomfort melted away.The next step was the Cancer Surgery-----every time I went for a check up tossing off the Kameeze was the done thing----not wearing a bra was another!!!Finally the Heart Attack melted the ice completely----today I'm a pro at doffing my clothes---I have a paunch---so what?A big butt---so what??I'm fat and chunkily chubby--so what???To the Doctors and Nurses I'm just another scrap of humanity---a very large one--- who needs their TLC and that's that as far as they're concerned!!!!
I realised that my physical side was of no consequence---it was my shell not ME---so I began to make an effort to accept and then like my physical attributes---and slowly these ceased to matter.Today my physical shortcomings are no longer a point of pondering over----I have learnt to be comfortable with myself and my appearance.Today if someone says I walk like an Elephant I tell myself that I'm majestic---I tower up above the rest of the minions down below!!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I'm totally disgusted with myself----I just don't motivate myself enough!!!Thinking about my day I've noticed certain quirks which I'd like to share here----maybe I'll find something that will help motivate me into a better Life!!!
My day begins early------around 6----6.15 a.m. with a glass of warm Water.Next I do my Morning Walker routine and then Yoga----I'm done for the morning by 7.30 a.m.This over I down another glass of warm Water, heat up the Milk,retrieve the Newspaper from the Front Door,make Tea for my husband and down 1 tsp.Wheat Grass Powder with a third glass of water by 7.45 a.m.-----after which I read the Newspaper,check my e-mail and run around answering the Doorbell---which rings every 5 minutes---the Bread Wallah,Garbage Disposal lady and the Dhobi(the guy responsible for ironing the washed clothes),the Vegetable Wallah----all these arrive at the door one by one.
By now it is 8.45 a.m. and I start the Breakfast after downing a glassfull of freshly made mixed Juices---Indian Gooseberry(Aamla) ,Bottle Gourd,Holy Basil and Mint Leaves with a pinch of Black Rock Salt and Black Pepper Powder----by the time I serve Breakfast it is 9 a.m.In between I take my Insulin injection and swallow my numerable Pills as well.After Breakfast,I bathe and by 9.45 a.m. have completed these morning chores.My husband leaves for Court by 10.15---10.30 a.m.---while he's getting ready to leave the 'Phone rings umpteen number of times---so does the Door Bell!!!Scurrying in between the two keeps me occupied till Hubby leaves----after that I sit down with two cold glasses of home made Mangosteen Juice-----and relax for the next 45-30 minutes with my feet up and my CD Player playing my favourite old Songs---English or Hindi/Marathi---depending on my mood that day---- my Me Time!!!
At precisely 11 a.m. my house hold help -----Chhaya Bai,Vanita and Hira Bai--- arrive in quick succession of each other---and my day begins in earnest!!!The next hour or two is spent cooking the Meals for the Day---sometimes excess time is lost----thanks to the arrival of the Fisher woman-----but generally I'm all set for Lunch by 1.15---1.30 p.m. after my Insulin injection and the next batch of Pills.Now is my Computer time-----spent at my Computer inter acting with my Friends on SP,checking my mail,Tracking etc.By 3.45 p.m. Hubby's back and I make his Tea.I drink my evening cup of warm Milk and eat a small snack---some Fruit or Whole Grain Biscuits----by 5.00 p.m. I'm on the Terrace with a few of my Friends for the next 1 hour 45 minutes---doing Yoga.After Yoga I have my regular evening get together with my Friends(Cronies!!!) in the Building Compound----the next one hour is spent chatting and generally having a good time--eating healthy Snacks, exchanging Jokes,Recipes and News---we have an unwritten Rule--NO GOSSIPING!!Thus the Conversation flows unabated---as the circle of regulars grows wider daily!!!
At precisely 7 p.m. Vanita comes back to cook fresh Chappatis and Soup and reheat and serve the Dinner.I return home by 7.45 p.m.---Hubby's ensconced in front of the Idiot Box engrossed in his favourite Serial----at exact 8 p.m. we eat Dinner and are done by 8.45 p.m.------the Kitchen is cleared,dishes done and Vanita has left for the day.By now my batteries are slowly running down and by 9.30---10 p.m. I'm fast asleep!!!This Friends is my routine-----it changes very little---except when people 'Phone me---I'm not really fond of talking on the 'Phone---preferring face to face conversations or written contact----but can chit chat for some time before searching for topics to talk about!!!Sometimes my close Friends drop by for Lunch----we've known each other for 35 years---thanks to my Health constraints I like eating at home these days----those days I have a great time----all of us have grown old together,have chldren who are each other's friends too----so the Topics just crop up thick and fast----and while mostly I cook they too carry some of our favourite dishes----the Menu becomes sumptuously extravagant----but these days are truly FUN!!!
Now I'm coming to the crux of the matter----and here I need your help---is there something missing in my Life that I can't see????I'm basically a happy person and my best quality is accepting the situations Life deals me and adjusting to the circumstances I am in.I quickly adapt and learn to live within the given frame and thanks to my positivity keep myself busy,amused and happy.I have never hankered for or envied anything on my neighbour's plate---I believe each person is alloted his/her share of Luck,Success and Prosperity----and am truly grateful to The Almighty for having bestowed so many of His Blessings on me!!!
I AM truly happy and content----so do I really need Motivation????
Saturday, June 12, 2010
White hot Lightning streaks across the sullen Sky
Lighting up the dark leaden Clouds with silvery flash
While the Wind gusts up making Trees toss and sigh
And Thunder rolls it's drums in a resounding crash
A coolness creeps into the sultry, humid Heat
The irresistable scent of Rain spikes the Atmosphere
As with a sudden staccato rhythm and steady beat
The Heavens open to release a welcome flood below
Large pellets of Water spatter through the Air
Hitting the parched Earth with a steady clatter
Answering every living creature's heartfelt Prayer
Giving the Earth the kiss of precious Life---- Water
As suddenly as it came the Rain stops
Leaving the Trees,Shrubs and Grass washed and aglow
While Nature glistens festooned with Diamond drops
The Horizon wears an iridiscent Rainbow!!!
This is what I love and what I'm waiting for with bated breath----a scene though oft repeated and familiar is replayed with different nuances each year!!!
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