KNYAGENYA   77,035
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KNYAGENYA's Recent Blog Entries

Freedom from numbers

Saturday, July 05, 2014

It seems wherever I go I am hit with the importance of numbers. I am going to focus on numbers pertaining to weight. emoticon

I'm stuck trying to figure out where I should be weight wise. emoticon In the beginning of my weight loss journey I had a goal in mind but to be honest I never thought I would get there. I thought I would give up or just not lose the weight. I surprised myself and actually lost the weight and went well under my goal. emoticon I started at 211 and I wanted to get to 150. I am now between 138-142. I can't seem to get under that number. I did get down to 131 and I was really happy there. Here is where I am stuck. Should I try to get down further or is this the weight where my body is happy? According to SP and my BMI I should be between 95- 127 pounds. emoticon I think 95 is too low and I don't know about getting to 127. I found another site that had healthier numbers and I should be between 100- 137. Now to be honest, I like the second one better, not only because I am very close to it but I think it is more accurate.

I think I am going to focus on healthy. If I stick with the first batch of numbers not only will I drive myself crazy but I will slip back in to unhealthy behaviors again. emoticon

Why am I so focused on clothes size? emoticon In the beginning I was 1x to 2x and now I am a S-M in tops. I am busty so the changes in top sizes doesn't bother me at all. I find myself getting upset on my pants size. I have no idea why in Ann Taylor I wear a 6 but in Ann Taylor Loft I wear a 4. Come on Ann get your stuff together! I wish women's clothing were more like men's clothing and we could just get the waist size. emoticon Then again, that would mean I would have to get a 27 instead of a 4, and 4 is a nicer number in my mind. Darn vanity strikes again! I know I need to relax and just go with what fits.

I think some of this stems with when I was younger there really wasn't a huge selection of plus size clothing like there is now. What fit wasn't necessarily pretty either. I love clothes shopping now because I can buy prettier clothes and I like it. Yes, I admit it, clothes is a huge motivator for me. The thrift store I go to has a wonderful plus size section and I have to stop myself from going over to it. I spent over 18 years being chubby and only about a year and a half thin, it takes some time to change thinking patterns. It's odd because after I reread my sentence and I just realized I typed thin in reference to me. emoticon Sometimes I see it and sometimes I don't. emoticon

I'm always scared that I will end up going back to where I was and that would be devastating. emoticon I am happy that I have changed my eating habits and realize the importance of exercise. There is so much work that goes in to being healthier...it wasn't hard to be chubby. emoticon

Each day is a journey and a battle and I hope to win most days. I am going to work on not caring what the scale says and focus on how I feel about me. I am going to work on not letting my pant size dictate my happiness. Long live healthy attitudes!

Thanks for reading. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVINGFREE19 7/8/2014 12:25AM

    Ihe fear of regressing is always there, but if you keep things in check, it won't get out of hand and you will be fine!

I hope you have a super Tuesday!

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WOUBBIE 7/7/2014 9:38AM

    What about picking a body fat percentage and going for that instead? Weight encompasses so many variables, while body fat is pretty clear cut.

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SUZANNE65203 7/6/2014 2:27AM

    I too once was down to a very low weight (124 for me) and I just could not stay there without exercising an hour a day and eating almost nothing. It just wasn't possible and I didn't want it that much. So I am about 10 pounds more than that right now and while I would like to be lower, in my mind, I don't know how much happier that would make me. Like you, I am trying to figure out where I really need to be--so no blinding insight from this corner but I completely understand where you are.

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TAMMYAND 7/5/2014 11:28AM

    What an excellent blog! You are so right about so many things regarding weight loss and getting healthy. You are an on-going inspiration to me. Judging by the sizes you mentioned, it sounds to me like you are at your ideal weight already. Please remember to celebrate your successes as they are truly remarkable. You and your health are what matters....not arbitrary numbers (probably determined by folks who never had a weight problem too). Keep up the good work and the inspiration.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Happiness is....

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Sometimes I wish I had an answer to this question. Some days, I think I know the answer but lately it's a day to day thing.

Life seems to be throwing me a lot of curve balls lately. emoticon Work is going well. I have been able to pick up some additional hours and that has helped a ton. emoticon I applied for a job at the Rape Crisis Center that is also run through my mental health center. I am officially off of probation so now I can be considered for it. Please, keep your fingers crossed that I get an interview. emoticon

My marriage is...well, there. I wouldn't say I'm happily married or even content, it's just there. emoticon I have no idea what I want to even do with my marriage. Hubby left for about two months and has been back for a little over a month now. It is really strange and I don't even know if I have the words to explain how I am feeling about the situation. He finally found a job working second shift at a local factory. We are now on opposite schedules and from Tuesday 4 pm , I won't see him until Saturday morning. This might be a good thing. I will be spending a lot of time by myself and this will allow me to get back into my exercise routine.

I ended up putting on a couple of pounds over the winter. emoticon I am happy that I can get back to riding my bike now that it is warmer. emoticon It is one of the few things that I actually look forward to now. I get to be myself, not worry about anything, listen to my music and forget about what is currently going on in my life. While I was unemployed, I was able to dedicate a ton of time to working out and the weight came off easily. Now that I work, it seems harder to fit it in. I knew my exercise routine in the beginning was unrealistic...there is no way to maintain it. I need to find the amount of time I need to lose about ten pounds and then on into maintenance.

I do have some bright areas in my life. I have been doing a lot of knitting lately. I have been knitting for some of my co-workers. I think everyone needs a little bright spot in their day to day goings on. emoticon Trust me, it gets hectic and stressed working at a crisis hotline. emoticon I have also been making a lot of cards lately. I can spend tons of time in my craft room. I cleaned it up a couple of days ago and am so pleased with my progress. I also love spending time with my cats. emoticon It has been rough since my dog died in January but the cats are helping me get over my grief. The cats are in charge of quality control of my knitting and I can't knit without kitty supervision. One of the cats even brings down yarn for me. He can't seem to understand why I am not so appreciative of it. See what happens when you don't have children? You develop lives for your cats.

My eating has been different lately. I think I wasn't eating enough. I think that some of my weight gain might be due to the fact that I am eating in amounts that I should have been eating in the first place. Sadly, the compliments I was getting from people helped me stay at that barely eating stage. It is really easy to be dragged into compliments and vanity. Beware! emoticon

Happiness to me if being able to just be me. I enjoy going on my bike rides and having some "me time". I'm happy when I can be creative with my knitting and my card making. I love being able to knit and donate it to the charity I run. This weekend my charity donated items to the local chapter of the MS Society at one of the walks. It was so nice having people take the items and appreciate all the love that goes in to the items. I love having my cats around me. I'm happy when I can go out and spend time with friends and my Church family. I try to find some little crumb of happiness each day.

Thanks for reading! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 5/21/2014 9:06AM

    Very interesting blog! I think you're right - happiness IS a day-to-day thing. You can't count on it.

I ponder the same question periodically, but I'm at the age where I've decided that Peace is more important that Happiness. As you see, Happiness is fleeting, it comes and goes, but Peace can be with you all the time. They're both hard to come by, though.

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LIVINGFREE19 5/20/2014 8:56PM

    I hope you get the job, good luck!

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KABMPH 5/20/2014 8:02PM

    Lots on your mind these days! Thank you for sharing with us.
I'm not sure how to define happiness. It's too fleeting!
Take care of you!

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MATER88 5/20/2014 5:53PM

    I think you expressed yourself very well. I can relate to many of the things you wrote about. I am sorry about your relationship with your husband. Make sure that whatever decisions you make are good for you. You are a very positive person.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAMMYAND 5/20/2014 3:03PM

    And you are a WONDERFUL YOU! Don't ever forget that. Life gets very complicated and does not always go as we plan. You have a good perspective. You are making a difference in the world in so many ways....your job, your charity, your church, your inspiration to others here at SP, and I could go on and on. It might be hard for you to find happiness each day, but please remember the happiness you bring to others....including me!! And I hope that puts a smile on your face. Keep your faith and trust in God. He will guide you, as I know you know.

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MYJOYNOW45EST 5/20/2014 2:50PM

    It's good to see you blogging. It makes you vulnerable, but honest! You sound a lot healthier about goals and accomplishments. I hope you can seek counsel with a professional about your marriage. It's never easy - hard work, actually. A relationship requires maintenance (just like a car). You take your car, or your bike for that matter, in for a tune-up periodically. Best wishes to you both in this adventure! Blessings, JOY emoticon emoticon

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LORILEEPAGE 5/20/2014 2:27PM

    Receiving a handmade article makes a person really feel special. Good thing to be doing!
How do you bike with music? I'm always afraid to go out on my bike with headphones...afraid I won't hear a car coming from behind. Do you and your husband even speak much to each other? I get the impression you may not connect even in that level. So sorry to hear your relationship is just "there." I hope connecting with all the others you are giving your heart to gives you encouragement that you are valuable.

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EVIE4NOW 5/20/2014 2:26PM

  Time alone may help you decided what you want to do in the future and which way to turn in your marriage. Best wishes.

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Goodbye chubby clothes!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I have spent the last couple of weeks going through and throwing away a lot of items. I decided it was time to say goodbye to the last of my chubby clothes. emoticon

I am not sure as to why I decided to keep the clothes for as long as I did. I found a garbage bag and filled it with clothes and then I donated it to the local Salvation Army. Not only am I cleaning out my closets, but I am giving someone else the opportunity to have some clothes that fits them. emoticon I also received a nice tax write off. emoticon

I then went in to the store and went shopping. I have to admit it is so much more fun shopping for clothes. I have decided I have neglected myself for way too long. When I was chubby, I just bought clothes because they fit, not necessarily flattering or even that I really liked them. I am getting back in to wearing clothes that fit and flatter. It has to fit or else I won't buy it. No bigger sizes because I like it. I am trying trends that I would never have even thought about. I am even getting back to my love of shoes. I am even going to switch out my purses when I have the opportunity.

I am slowly rebuilding my wardrobe and I love it. I have to try everything on as I have fit sizes 3-6 (I'm a size 4 now) and XS-L (usually a M). I am enjoying this new chapter of my life. A new thrift store opened a couple of towns away...I can't wait to take an afternoon and go exploring.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME2BLOOM4ME 5/14/2014 2:21PM

    `*. ♥ .*☆`*. ♥ .*♥.*☆(.`

*♥ *`*.☆`*
You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." Lucille Ball
,,`*. ♥ .*☆`*. ♥ .*♥.*☆(.` *♥ *`*.☆`* emoticon


Way to go on the weight loss.

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LAMOURA 4/21/2014 2:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon glad you enjoyed your shopping with new cloths...that's always fun!! emoticon

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 4/18/2014 3:42PM

    Hooray! emoticon Victoria

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CRYSALLIS1 4/4/2014 6:21AM

    Wonderful!

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EMPRESSAMQ 3/27/2014 10:39AM

    Huzzah, what a great victory and a smart idea to donate the clothing that no longer fits as you will never need it again.

Congratulations on your success!

emoticon

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TAMMYAND 3/26/2014 8:47AM

    You are always an inspiration. I hope you get yourself a great "Easter outfit!" You deserve it. You'll have to post some pics of you in your new fashions! emoticon

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SWEETLIPS 3/26/2014 8:26AM

    What a wonderful blessing! I pray all continues to be well with you!

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DJ4HEALTH 3/26/2014 2:45AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIVINGFREE19 3/25/2014 9:23PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PATRICIAAK 3/25/2014 8:45PM

    good progress

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WOUBBIE 3/25/2014 6:19PM

    emoticon

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JODROX 3/25/2014 4:30PM

    Happy for you! What a great feeling! (And it's always fun to de-clutter emoticon )

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NITTINNANA 3/25/2014 3:49PM

    What fabulous news!

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KATZLAF 3/25/2014 2:51PM

    emoticon Enjoy and Congrats!

Comment edited on: 3/25/2014 2:51:55 PM

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PENNYSAVER2 3/25/2014 2:40PM

    I'm so happy for you!! emoticon

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I need a break!

Monday, February 03, 2014

I know that life is not going to be easy. I know there is going to be hardship and not everything will go that way that I want. It seems as if nothing is going right for me lately. emoticon I need to take a break from negative thinking and put a positive spin on it.

1). I can't find a full time job to save the life of me. I have found a part time job working at the local mental health center as a crisis phone clinician so something is better than nothing.
- Positive- I have a job and now I have my foot in the door if something comes my way.

2) I had problems paying the bills. There never seems to be enough money to take care of everything. emoticon
- Positive- I was able to work with my bills and get some better rates. I am also in the process of getting the mortgage modified so this might be able to help. emoticon My car loan was modified and this is a great help. emoticon

3) My dog recently died and I am taking it harder than I thought. emoticon
- Positive- I was able to have him in my life for 5 happy years.

4) I have had some difficulty finding motivation to exercise. emoticon
- Positive- I need to get my tushie in gear if I want to continue to maintain my weight loss. emoticon

Some days are better than others when it comes to trying to be positive. Today is not one of them and I seem to be having a pity party for little ol' me. I think I am going to jump on the Nordic track and see if that helps me feel any better.

Thanks for reading my blog.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIETIG 4/28/2014 9:58AM

  Sorry I just seen this in April , but glad I did.
So sorry to hear about your dog.

You are having hard-times, but I like your postive steps& attitude you have about them.

You are a Go-Getter!You get things done( look what you have accomplished so far w/ so much on your plate).

"God never gives us more than we can handle." Keeping you in my prayers!

Thank you for sharing. Your an inspiration to many!
Blessings& emoticon my friend. ^ j^

Comment edited on: 4/28/2014 10:02:43 AM

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EMPRESSAMQ 2/8/2014 3:27AM

    I love this blog, sorry didn't see it earlier in the week as it is so inspiring.

May things continue to get better and better for you as the year progresses.



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HIKETOHEIGHTS 2/6/2014 7:49PM

    emoticon positivity is extremely fulfilling.

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MATER88 2/4/2014 4:41PM

    That's a good idea. I need to be more positive, too. Thanks for sharing.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOVETOLAUGH56 2/4/2014 4:35PM

    Wow,, loved this blog.
You go girl, you are well on your way to good things.
Keep up the great thinking and you'll go far
Karen
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TAMMYAND 2/4/2014 12:29AM

    So sorry things have been exceptionally rough for you lately. I like the way you addressed your situation, by pointing out the good on each of the negatives. about 18 years ago when I was pretty down due to my dad's serious illness, an acquaintance suggested that every night before bed I write in a journal a minimum of 5 things that I am grateful for that day. I took her advice and have done so every night for the past 18 years. Some days finding things to write about is easier than others. However it helps me focus all day long on things I will write in the journal at the end of the day. So I go through the day looking for positives. You already have a start here in your blog. You might want to keep it going in a little journal. In any case, you will continue to be in my prayers. Please know that I am here for you.
Many emoticon

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KATZLAF 2/3/2014 10:06PM

    I'm sorry you are going through some sad and trying times. I hope for some sunny days ahead for you emoticon

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KAREN608 2/3/2014 9:05PM

    Is working that phone job surrounding you with extra negative things? There are few full time jobs, and many have two or three part time jobs these days. So it is not you, just the way businesses are run, trying to not pay benefits. Keep paying attention to what is going right, and remember longer days and spring is coming.

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LIVINGFREE19 2/3/2014 8:42PM

    Big emoticon my friend!

I am so sorry for all the sadness you have been enduring, my friend, but don't give up, my friend.

emoticon emoticon

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PATRICIAAK 2/3/2014 7:19PM

    I hear you and commend your efforts to see the brighter side.

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KABMPH 2/3/2014 4:35PM

    emoticon
I hope things start to look up for you, my friend. You have overcome some really tough stuff and staying resilient is hard!

I don't think a short-lived pity party is a terrible thing! Did the Nordic Trac help?

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JODROX 2/3/2014 3:51PM

    You know it's cool you're recognizing your thought patterns and you recognize all the positive changes you've made - the job, the finances... Sometimes sucky things happen, and they do bring us down. No one is HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY all the time, and that's normal. Things are looking up for you. The pity party won't last forever!

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SILVER_WOLF1221 2/3/2014 3:24PM

    I'm glad you're trying to see the positive in all the negative things that are going on. You'll get there and you'll be a stronger and happier person when you do because you didn't let the bad bring you down!

emoticon

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PENNYSAVER2 2/3/2014 3:14PM

    emoticon I hope things get easier for you. Acknowledging what's good and bad in your life is moving in the right direction. Keep focusing on the good more! emoticon

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I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately.

Monday, December 02, 2013

I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much as I would like. My life has taken a huge turn for the unexpected and I haven't been able to be on SP as much as I am usually. emoticon

Here is a little update- I was hired as a nanny. I hated it. I was hired to take care of an autistic boy. Well, it seems as if the mother had other plans for me. She wanted me to be at her beck and call. She made a contract that really only benefited her. She was not very happy when I refused to sign it. I even went as far as to take it to a lawyer who told me to run for the hills concerning that job. The job was supposed to be 35 hours, then it dropped to 25, then to 22. She was making it impossible for me to get another part time job. Then she fired me. I can't say that I was upset by this. I was looking forward to telling her I quit but it worked out well. I was then interviewed for a crisis hotline clinician at the local mental health center. I am there now and enjoy it. It is part time as well. I am trying to get a full time job still. Through all of this I have decided that I need to go back to school to get my Master's degree. Now, I'm just waiting to hear back from the school's representative. It's been over 3 weeks- time for another call.

Along the way some personal problems have popped up. I really hope that they can be fixed. Thank you to all of you for being my sparkbuddies and sending your support. I appreciate it.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RABBITART 12/12/2013 6:54PM

    emoticon

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MYAKAYAH 12/11/2013 9:16AM

    Good vibes flowing your way about getting into a Master's Program! No more need be said about being a Nanny, some people have strange ideas what constitutes work. Things can only get better from here~ emoticon

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ANTIOCHIA 12/3/2013 6:22PM

    emoticon emoticon

God knows all you are dealing with, and as my priest would say, whatever happens to us is for our salvation. God bless you!

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CRAFTINWIFE 12/3/2013 3:41PM

    emoticon

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EMPRESSAMQ 12/3/2013 7:46AM

    Happy to hear you are now in a good job situation. May all things continue to work out for your good. You have a great attitude. emoticon

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BTRX71 12/3/2013 3:04AM

    emoticon I am sorry that you did not get a chance to care for the child. It seems what she wanted was a maid for her and not a helper for her child. Glad you are happier in your new job. Sending you prayers and best wishes for your personal issues. emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 12/3/2013 1:00AM

    Sounded like she wanted a servant and not a nanny for her child. Glad that you saw a lawyer and he told you to run for the hills. Glad that you found a job that you like and will be praying that you find a full time job too.

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MYJOYNOW45EST 12/2/2013 11:42PM

    So sorry about the nanny job. Too bad they all can't be like in "Mary Poppins." But, you learn from every experience, right? I'll keep you in my prayers for a better fit in the employment area. emoticon Remember to be kind to yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon Blessings, JOY

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MATER88 12/2/2013 11:18PM

    I hope things work out for you. You are such a hard worker. Glad you got rid of that babysitting job. MaryAnn
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TAMMYAND 12/2/2013 10:42PM

    You know you are always in my prayers. I am glad you have a lawyer who gave you sound advice about the contract. I hope the master's program works out for you. This could be very good for you. Of course you know that going back to school can be stressful too...but it could be the good kind of stress (eustress). I will continue to pray for you and the personal problems you mentioned. God bless you dear friend! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WHITECAT19 12/2/2013 9:52PM

    I've been praying for you about other issues, but I will add job concerns as well. I hope all works out for you. emoticon

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LIVINGFREE19 12/2/2013 7:44PM

    I hope you are able to get back in to school, and get your master's degree. An education is so important, then you won't have to work at low level jobs.

Good luck!

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KABMPH 12/2/2013 7:31PM

    You are a really strong woman and will make it through anything that life throws your way! Even if some days it doesn't feel like it. ;-)

emoticon

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WOUBBIE 12/2/2013 6:34PM

    (((hugs)))

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KAREN608 12/2/2013 6:18PM

    Glad you got out of the nanny job and into one you like. I know when life gets busy, you can't be on Spark so much. Hope things work out for you and schooling.

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LORILEEPAGE 12/2/2013 5:09PM

    Sorry about the bad experience with the "nanny" position. I'm glad you're out of there. I am thinking about starting back to school too, once my daughter's baby gets settled into the family and she doesn't need me so much to help with her other two. I love learning. My problem is I don't know what I want to do "when I grow up"!

There are so few full time jobs available. No one wants to pay benefits.

Love you!

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NAYKNITS 12/2/2013 3:46PM

    I'm glad you have found a job that is more enjoyable for you. Good luck on going back to school. emoticon

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PENNYSAVER2 12/2/2013 3:29PM

    Glad to hear from you. emoticon emoticon

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MLEHTO 12/2/2013 3:27PM

    emoticon

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