| |
|
KNLILLA's Recent Blog Entries
|
 
Sunday, June 06, 2010
I haven't been doing anything lately to lose more weight. On the contrary. I ate more and didn't exercise, so i probably gained. I say 'probably' because although i measured my weight (and the scale says i'm up 2 lbs) i can't tell how much i really did or did not gain, because the weight can fluctuate from one day to another. But i don't wanna foul myself, i can see it on my body: i gained.
See, it seemed so great back in february. I knew i was gonna have more than 4 full months when i can do what i want because i won't be working. I planned to lose my extra weight and get as toned as i can. Well, the 4 months are over. I started at 76 kgs, the lowest i went (3 weeks ago) was 71, i'm about 72 now. The difference between the starting weight and the lowest is 5 kgs. That's 11 pounds and that's not much. Some people lose that in a month, i lost it in 4 months, and this is f...... depressing, considering the fact that i wanted to lose 18!!!
I know i'm the only one to blame, i know i could've accomplished it - and sometimes this make me feel even worse. Not that i don't wanna take the responsability...i'm just angry at myself. I know i should love myself (my body too - the way it is) and i know i should be forgiving towards myself...but i'm neither. I hate my body and not even the fact that my sweetie absolutely adores it changes anything. I always felt that it doesn't matter how much he loves it because i have to love it - but i don't.
I see photos of other women. They're beautiful. And i know i was close to that. But i f...ed up. I f...ed up very badly... i know i could look like that...but these 14 kgs (about 30-31 lbs) seem like an obstacle that is too big for me.
I thought about emotional reasons that cause me to not be able to go lower than 71... i don't know what to say...
The thing is that 6 days from today my sweetie and i will move back home. We'll live by ourselves, work from monday to thursday, about 10 hrs each day. i will cook most of the foods for ourselves and we'll sometimes eat at my mom's. We want to put money aside and decided that we won't eat out (we are not the big dining out type of couple) and we won't buy junk either (he's the junk-buyer type).
Back in february i thought losing weight will be sooo easy for me this time because i'll have free time. Well, no matter how much free time i have, i still can't do more than 2 hrs of exercise per day, and being home all the time makes me bored and go check out the fridge a lot...
I'm hoping that when we'll start working i won't eat that much as now...and i'm not only hoping, actually 'hoping' isn't the right word - i'll try. I don't feel so powerful right now so i'm not saying: i'll do it. :) But i'll try.
Also, I'd love to go to the gym. Somehow that has always worked for me. But that will be expensive too and as i said we want to put money aside... But i think i'll go anyway, maybe try to find something good but cheaper. I don't like going alone though and the only person i can go with is my sister but she's very irresponsible in this matter. I could go with my boyfriend but besides the extra cost i'm not even sure he'd like to, he'd prefer some strenght exercises done at home i think, like push ups, crunches, and exercises with hand-weights. I won't be able to do much cardio outside the gym...or better said i don't want to. See, we'll live at a hilly place. Jogging for me is out of question until i don't lose more weight, with ot without hills. Biking - let's just say i absolutely HATE biking on hills and if i hate something i don't do it. The other problem with biking is the absolute lack of biking roads. Also, i'm sick and tired of bad weather. I read people who did marathons in heavy rain, well, i don't care, i'm not one of them. It makes me angry if i have to be outside when it rains (even the wind blowing in my face without any rain makes me angry).
So i've only got the gym left, right? Yeah, i think so. Also, i'd love to do strenght training too, but not the type you do at home, because we don't have equippment besides some weights. I'm used to the equipment in the gym and i remember that it game me pleasure and it was great for my body. Also, i'll more probably skip a workout done at home than one i'd do in a gym...i don't know why, but that's the way i am...
I try to look at these past 4 months and be happy for them. I want to be happy for those 5 kgs, no matter how much more i've planned. I want to be happy for those many many hours of cardio i did, i know they were beneficial for my body (heart, etc) even though i didn't go close to my goal weight. I want to be happy for all those things i've read and studied, both about health, weight loss and other things too, from sparkpeople and from other sources. Well, these are the things i should be happy for but i struggle. The one thing that i'm absolutely happy about is the time, the days (and night) we've spent together with my sweetie. Those were worth it! 
As for the other things, i'm trying to be happy for them.
At least i've lost some weight, right?
At least i've learned to bike properly.
At least i did a lot of cardio.
At least i had free time to calm down after the worst 2 and a half years of my life.
And at least i learned new lessons.
Like this one: before february i thought that these 4 month will bring the BIGGEST change, i will be a totally different person (in and out) after it, things will change radically, it will be miraculous, etc. Well, from now on, I won't look at a period of time or at an opportunity and think that it will bring magical things into my life. From now on i'll look at that period of time and opportunity, make a plan and try to stick to it. This might sound controversial and you might think i'm too negative... but i don't want to have too high expectations towards anything (especially myself), i just want to do my thing. I'm tired of failing. And i'm not talking exclusively about weight loss. I failed before, in other things. I had huuuuge expectations, i though i'll see miracles happen, but they didn't. and the same thing happened with these 4 months too.
I have a friend: i know him for 4 years and he's always made huuuge goals, both about money, family, how he looks, etc. Well, he's been broke ever since, even made others broke as a matter of fact, he looks maybe a little better than 4 years ago, and he's even farther from having a family than before. In the meantime, he still talks enthusiastically about all his goals...but he doesn't do the right things to achieve them.
So - learning from his and my experiences - i decided to NOT give myself a goal date, by which i want to lose the extra weight. I know sparkpeople says it's useful, but i'm not doing it. I'm tired of failing!!! I will do my thing, each day, eat the right stuff, track my food, do cardio and strenght training, track them, drink my water. I will make all these things a habit, and these habits will bring weight loss along. I'm tired of setting a goal date, like 'lose 7 lbs this month' and end up with a 1 pound weight loss. It makes me disappointed, and i don't want that anymore. I've been having weight issues almost all my life, that's 23 years, so i don't really care if it takes even a whole year to lose this weight. Of course i'd love to walk down the street and feel great!!! I've lost this weight before, i looked good before, i know exactly how great it feels. And on top of everything i'm an inpatient type of person who wants everything NOW (not from others, rather from myself...). But it doesn't matter! This time, there's no timeline that makes me disappointed if i don't reach my goal in time. I'll only have a few habits incorporated into my daily life - and i'll slowly lose the weight too.
Please feel free to tell me your opinion!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Total calories burned this week:
Plan / [Actual]: 2630 / [560]
Total minutes exercised this week:
Plan / [Actual]: 5 hrs / [1 hr 45 min]
**********************
Monday
3 SP videos - 30 min (350 kcal) - did only 1 video, 115 kcal burned
Tuesday
3 SP videos - 30 min (350 kcal) - NOT DONE
Wednesday
Biking - 1 hr (410 kcal) - NOT DONE
Thursday
Biking - 1 hr (410 kcal) - NOT DONE
Friday
3 SP videos - 30 min (350 kcal) - NOT DONE
Saturday
Biking - 1 hr (410 kcal) - NOT DONE
Sunday
3 SP videos - 30 min (350 kcal) - did 1 hr 35 min biking, burned 445 kcal
Monday, May 17, 2010
May 16
"Know that for every day that you have stayed within your calorie limits, you have used a little of your fat stores. "
May 17
I'm thankful for finding this quote: "I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him."
- Eleanor Roosevelt, human rights advocate
May 18
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Getout and get busy."
Monday, May 17, 2010
I really don't know what to say about this week, because my main exercise is biking but I can't really do that this week because it seems that it's gonna rain almost all week...
The other thing I can do is Sparkpeople videos, but we are 5 people living in a small house with 3 rooms, I'm not gonna do it in front of others (they're my boyfriend's family...come on...you get it...) and in the next 4 days everyone will constantly be home, noone's working until friday...I just hope there will at least be 2-3 days when the rain won't fall so I'll be able to go biking, and on friday, saturday and sunday I'll be able to do the videos again because the house won't be full.
We'll see what happens, but I'm not making a workout plan for this week right now, because I have no idea what i'll be able to do.
Monday - no workout at all :(
Tuesday - 1 hr 50 min walking, burned 375 kcal
****************************
Update on May 31:
I've been missing the past week and a half. I'm sorry I did but I'm glad I'm back after a break that is - I think - relatively short, so i'm okay with it, i'm not gonna dwell on what I should've done better, I'm focusing on this day, today, and what I can do now.
Today's monday and tomorrow's the first day of June, both of which are really good times to jumpstart (jump-re-start I should say), and this is exactly what I'm gonna do.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Total calories burned this week:
Plan / [Actual]: 5770 / [3515]
Total minutes exercised this week:
Plan / [Actual]: 14 hrs 15 min / [9 hrs 52 min]
****************************
I'd like to see some results this week but I know i gotta be disciplined with food! Last week I successfully bounced back into exercise but didn't do well with food, I'm planning to keep up the good exercise and bounce back into good eating this week. I want to make it work, I want to lose weight by the end of this week!
****************************
Monday (820 kcal) - burned only 410 kcal with 60 min biking
- biking: 120 min
Tuesday (830 kcal) - burned 820 kcal with 120 min biking
- biking: 100 min
- c25k: 25 min (150 kcal) - NOT done
Wednesday (820 kcal) - burned 630 kcal with 190 min walking and 12 min biking
- biking: 120 min
Thursday (830 kcal) - burned 820 kcal with 120 min biking
- biking: 100 min (680 kcal)
- c25k: 25 min (150 kcal) - NOT done
[In the last 30 minutes of the 2 hour bike ride it was raining which made it harder and I don't know if it was the exhaustion or some bad food I ate but by thursday night and through all friday i felt sick, exhausted and weak. Also, I think I'm gonna stop my c25k program. Every time I go jogging my knees start hurting and I can't forget what a great trainer once told me: that I should start jogging only when I get down to about 62 kgs (I'm 70.6 kgs now). Here at SP many people say that jogging is for eveyone, even overweight people, and they don't only say it but they actually run, even 5ks, 10ks, half marathons...but we're not the same. My knees hurt, my legs hurt after jogging, and it's not muscle soreness, it's pain. So for now I'll stick to biking because it works very well for me and I'll reconsider jogging when I'll lose some more weight]
Friday (820 kcal) -burned only 140 kcal with 30 min easy biking
- biking: 120 min
[Felt sick today, since yesterday actually and decided to skip my workout but i went to a store that is far from us so i still got 30 minutes of biking]
Saturday (830 kcal) - burned only 230 kcal with 2 SP videos
- biking: 100 min (680 kcal)
- c25k: 25 min (150 kcal)
[The weather was horrible outside so biking and jogging were out of question so I did SP videos. I wanted to do more but ended up doing only 2. Anyway, it doesn't bother me at all...hopefully tomorrow the weather will be better and I'll be able to go biking. I decided to totally give up jogging for a while, until I lose some more weight. I'm not desperate about it and biking works perfectly for me right now.]
Sunday (820 kcal) - burned only 465 kcal with 40 minute of Sparkpeople cardio videos [still horrible weather, still no biking outside]
- biking: 120 min
First Page
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
Last Page
|
|
Get An Email Alert Each Time KNLILLA Posts
|
|
Member Comments About This Blog Post:
Take care of yourself Lilla! 
