Saturday, July 28, 2012
Well as I sit here writing this blog I am watching the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympic. Nothing else is on TV right now except for re-runs and shows that I don't care for.
I usually tape the opening and closing ceremonies and watch them later but I am enjoying watching it tonight.
This past week has been another up hill battle for me in many ways.
I am still struggling with this allergies/sinus and now lunge issue and it is getting a lot worse. There is no answer right now for what is making me feel so sick. More test will be run next week. Right now I am trying to rest as much as I can while still working and trying to make rent and pay my other bills.
I am continuing to knit it up and make new items for my Web site. I must get back to it and update it. I have not for a few months now. I need to stay on top of it more often to get more orders and get things going again.
As of right now I have no new orders so I am finishing up some old items that I have started awhile ago and get this stash finished.
Right now I am working on a new Elephant and a new 20 inch Dinosaur and then finishing up a Chef Sock Monkey with a chef's hat and coat.
In my UFO stash I have yet to complete the Wallace and Gromit series of dolls and animals. I still have to sew up a new Scooby Doo, the pieces are all crochet but still needs to be stuffed and sewn together. I also have a couple of Santa's and Elves to finished that I started last year but never finished because life events had gotten in the way.
So you can see I have a lot of knitting, crocheting and sewing left to do so I will be busy with my fingers. All this I can do while watching some of my favorite Olympic events and shows.
Right now I have stopped exercising but I haven't stopped my walking. Walking is all the I am capable of doing right now.
I have started a new food plan so that I can get stronger and healthier and get this excess weight off.
I got on the scale this morning and found myself up another five pounds, that is a total of ten pounds now that I have gained in the last few weeks or so.
I am shocked, totally confused as to why.
I know you all will write and say that it is stress, being sick, not sleeping right, et.
I don't think that is the answer for I have stayed within my calories and have not gotten over except for one day a week where I have treated myself with a special snack and those calories only added up an extra 300 calories a week.
I have burnt the right amount of calories per day to stay with in the range. I have looked at all my charts here on Sparks and on my other exercising site. These charts and grafts tells me that my weight should be at my goal or maybe one or two pounds more not ten.
My brother is still not looking for work and I really don't think he will ever look for work. Today, this morning and this afternoon when I got off from work all we did was argued, I am so sick of this and his laziness.
I won't go into details but let me just say this when he started his vent I just sat there in the truck and didn't say a word. There was no need to rehash things over and over and over again.
What I did say to him, was that I am tired, sick and can't deal with this right now. Let me get into the apartment change, have some lunch( it is 2:30 and breakfast was at 7am this morning, have a short rest. Then we can sit a talk about it.
He stormed off to his room, came out and wanted dinner. I had already started a Beef Caccitore with spaghetti.
The garbage is still piles up in the corner of the hallway and it stinks, He hasn't clean the fish tank and we are now down to four fish. We started out with more than 20 last year. Poor fish are dying because of his lack of cleaning and laziness. I will not clean the tank been told not to touch it or feed them. I don't.
He now expects me to pay for his gas bill for his truck and car because he drives me to work three or four time a week and brings me back. Each trip is only ten to fifteen minute ride depending on traffic and rush hour.
His last receipt that he handed me was over $90.00. If I buy a bus pass for the month it comes to about $80.00. So I know he using the truck or car more than what he tells me.
I refused to pay it all, I will pay my share and that it that.
He is also mad that he had to drive to the car home without me today and take mom to the Hospital for her Ultra Sound. They are checking out her Gallbladder, Kidneys and other areas of her stomach. They are also doing blood test.
I had order Handi dart for them so that John doesn't have to put mom in the truck, the car is not working(dead battery or something). Handi Dart will take them to the Hospital and bring them back once these test are done.
Then John can come and pick me up on his way back home. I am on the same route that we drive to mom's and back. All he needs to do is drive into the parking lot, wait for me to come out and then drive home.
So on the way home I got an ear full, For fifteen minute all he did was vent, He told me he how he was feeling and that it was not fair that HE has to do it all.
What, are you nuts. WE are doing it together and yes our sister, dad and Aunt are not pitching in to help, they after all live a great distance from us and from mom.
He now says he has had enough and doesn't want to do any more.
So I guess it is all up to me to do EVERYTHING NOW!!!!.
I told him I give up just do was the ***** you want to do but don't come running to me and complain to me. Get a job, do something around the house cause I am fed up as well and Will not look after him any more, pick up after him et.
I am soooooo FED up. I can't even have my space anymore or a few minutes to myself unless I go to my room to read or to knit. Can't watch TV cause the picture tub has gone and I have ask him to put mom's old TV in my Room.
Now that I have vented and I haven't really blown up yet with John, I want to scream at him, shake him to the core but I didn't instead I use my knitting needles and knitted for two hours straight. I feel better,
I feel better now that I have written this out on page and can see what is weighing heavily on me. This must be the added 10 pounds that I have gained.
There is no use to explain to John how I feel, I have done that so many times as has he so many times, more than I.
This conversation is getting old and tiring.
I also found out that he has been reading my blogs here.
I found out by accident that if you click on to a message from anyone of you my email
that it automatically goes to this page and all you have to do is scroll down and read what I have written. So much for privacy.
Even though my email and spark is password protected you can still click on to your mail site, click onto any message that appears and it will take you to that page.
I wish there was some way that you need a password for you mail messages to appear.
I hope you know what I mean, I have a hard time sometimes describing things.
Any ways I must go now he is coming out of his room and I don't want him to read this.
You can leave a message here cause maybe if he does sneak and read this he will fully understand the frustration and anger that I feel towards things.
I am frustrated with his actions or lack of then and his venting.
We need to stick together and help each other.
I can't afford to live on my own, he can't afford the live on his own with no income coming. He won't leave and I won't force him to leave. Everything here is in my name.
You know I want to move but not like this and not on my own and getting a roommate can be challenging and I don't want to go there.
I also am dealing with other issues concerning my ex and I am not ready to tell it here, Not yet anyways.
I still love him and wish him well. I still think of him every singe day and can't stop thinking about him. I know he isn't thinking of me.
I just can't turn off these thoughts and feeling.
I can't talk to anyone in my family about him or my friends cause I don't have any but the ones that I have met here. I can't talk to any one at work cause the are work buddies and not friends yet.
In the meantime I have the next three days off to think things through and to try and come up with some new solutions that is manageable.
If it turns out to be nice and sunny I will go out for a walk by myself just to get away from the apartment and to get in some fresh air.
I just don't know what to do any more so I will I can't give up and I have to find a better way.
Thanks for reading this and thanks for caring about me and giving me your continual support.
Well I guess I should go to bed now and try to get some sleep. I only got in two hours of sleep last night so my emotions are running amuck.
Makes total sense now as to why I am feeling this way about my life and my situation.
I know after a long solid night of sleep and a good healthy breakfast tomorrow I should feel a lot better.
If only I can shut down this brain of mine.
One reason that I won't blow up on my brother is because of his reaction. I don't know what he will do. He does have a temper I have seen him use it on others but he has never used it on me.
I won't take that chance with him or anyone. I have been badly hurt before