Saturday, February 05, 2011
I was eating completely on plan until dinner. We went out to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I had grilled fish tacos. Order came with two, I ate one. Drank water, not a margarita. BUT - I did eat chips with green sauce and I ate an extra flour tortilla. So, not great, not terrible. No cheese was involved. When I returned home, I wanted something sweet, so I ate 2 girl scout peanut better sandwich cookies and about 5 hersey's kisses. Too much! At least I felt stuffed. By that I mean, at least my stomach realized that the meal was too large.
Snow is melted so I have no reason to skip exercising tomorrow. I will also eat on plan.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
I ate within my calorie range today, but it felt like a restriction. I wanted to eat more, especially tonight after dinner. I'm not sure (and how is this even possible????) if I was really hungry, or just craving food like a habit, like a post-meal cigarette. I'm more inclined to say I was just missing my habit.
I find myself quite annoyed at myself for being such an addict. Addict, addict, addict. It's an awful word. My grandfather was an alcohol addict. His son, my dad, was both a food addict and a bit of an alcohol addict, especially in his younger life. My mother described how he ate all the time in the evening. That's what I do. I don't drink much alcohol.
You know when I started really putting on weight?? Right after I got married. My husband worked until 9 pm every night. I cooked dinner for him like a good new wife (and I was all of 20 years old) but I was hungry at 6pm so usually ate a dinner while I cooked. And then I felt bad about not waiting and I ate with him again when he got home. That only went on for one year, but it set a precedent, and not a good one. And added about 10-15 lbs. It was around this time he told me he "just wanted my 124 pound baby back". Not that it stuck in my head or anything for 35 years.....
One of the things my therapist suggested was to just write in a journal every day - whatever comes to mind. That's why this is a bit random, perhaps more negative than Spark would like, but this is what flew off my fingers as I sat here.
My trainer suggested whenever I want to "do something bad" I should consciously choose to "do something good" instead. I haven't really tried this technique but I think I will.
My name is knitstrong and I am a food addict. Today I ate on plan.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Day 3. Yesterday I ate 25 calories over my limit. I still consider it a success, considering I'm sure I was consuming at least 500-800 calories a day over that limit just a couple of weeks ago. But that's not why I'm blogging.
I keep hearing about drug addicts like Charlie Sheen, and in some ways I identify with these people. Even though I don't consume anything illegal, the idea that I treat food as a drug and live a food-addicted life makes sense to me.
I know I eat out of anger - as when I interpret a comment as an attack against the way I eat or look or act, and respond with the food equivalent of a middle finger.
I know I eat as a way of procrastination. Really difficult work assignment? My response - what's in the pantry to snack on? (I can't be expected to work and eat at the same time, can I???) Bills to be paid? Closets to be cleaned? Exercise on the schedule? Let's snack first.
Sure I eat as celebration -birthdays, holidays, graduations, we-made-it-to-the-weekend, etc. Honestly, this type of eating doesn't worry me as much. I can usually eat appropriately IN PUBLIC, or if not, if all the other inappropriate eating were under control, this would just be a blip on the eating radar.
Here's one thing I worry about: Am I really at "rock bottom"? Do I need to be? Have I REALLY decided I want to change my eating? I'm not sure - maybe I've decided to do this for a while, not forever. That's scary. That's how addicts think. I KNOW in my heart I NEED to do this. I KNOW my health and therefore my life depend upon it. I know my ability to live a full and wonderful life depend upon it. And yet I continue to question my commitment and still want to eat unhealthily and sit on my behind. I saw a psychologist to explore this for a while. It didn't really work for me. Could have been the person I worked with. Could have been me. She wanted to focus on the anger and really that's just a part of it. Maybe I should have looked for someone else. I don't know.
So here's where I am in my little pea-brain. I will do this one day at a time. I don't care why. I don't care if I'm really not committed. I'll just log the calories and work on increasing my exercise. For whatever reason.
One. Day. At. A. Time. Today I will eat on plan.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Day 2 on the wheel of Spark. Day 2 for the upteenth time. BUT I made it through day 1. Yay! And I'm doing the same thing today. I told my trainer. I told my son . They are my best support. Made a nice salad for J. last night, leaving out the tomatoes and olives from D's and my salad. He still picked out the cucumbers. Ate the lettuce and cheese - at least he ate the lettuce. D. and I also had grilled salmon and asparagus. J. skipped the chicken I had for him (he won't eat salmon unless it's canned. I know.) and had pepperoni and crackers. That man! But as my trainer said - that's his journey, not yours.
Tonight I'm fixing chili - but instead of 2 lbs of beef, I bought one lb of super lean beef and one lb of ground turkey breast. Or maybe they were 12 ounces. whatever. I've tried chili with just the turkey and even I didn't like it that much. I thought with the combo we might get enough beef flavor to flavor the whole pot. I add a lot of beans, plus tomatoes - both are heresy in chili in these parts, but oh well. So calorie and nutrient wise, it should be good. My challenge will be to limit or skip my favorite side of saltine crackers with butter. Maybe a few thin Triscuit's will assuage the need. (I love the word "assuage"; use it whenever possible.)
Signed up for a college reunion-type program. I'm going with one of my best friends from college - husband of one of my high school friends. It's the end of March and really more of a day long event of seminars, etc. and won't really be about mingling with classmates. Which is good because I'm not interested in people seeing me at this weight and remembering what I looked like in college. Most likely, if there happens to be someone from my class, they won't recognize me. Honestly, I hardly remember any of those people, just my friend. I went to a huge university and even this honors programs we attended (it's the 75th anniversary of the honors program) had 200 people in each class. And I graduated about 33 years ago. So I guess it's no surprise I won't remember anyone.
I'm going to use this reunion (really more the part about seeing my friend and his wife) to help motivate me to be consistent for the next 8 weeks. Then only about 3 weeks later my SIL is getting married. That will take me through mid-April. I should be able to lose 20 lbs or so by the wedding. Which would put me right at my last plateau, but at least at a place where I can begin to see a difference in my jeans, etc.
So - it's a plan. More exercise is on it's way - I can tell.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I have been avoiding SparkPeople, healthy eating, exercise. Everything. And the results are in. I am back at my highest weight. My blood sugar was 130 last week when my quarterly RA bloodwork was done - first time I have been measured above 110 in several years. I am wearing my largest size jeans. And I'm having trouble doing my exercises.
Surprise? Not. Half of me wonders (again) how "this could happen???" (this is not my brightest half); half of me is happy I "got caught", so I can see the results of avoidance; half of me is sad I got caught (you mean I really can't eat everything I want all the time and only exercise 60 min a week without consequence??? and half of me is happy I've decided to make some changes and the last half of me is sad because controlling my eating means exercising self-control. And yes that's 2.5 of me - that's about how many people I weigh A slight exaggeration - really I'm only 2.0 people.
So today was day 1. I ate on plan. First time in 2011.
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