Friday, November 20, 2009
Last night I came clean with my boyfriend that I have relapsed again. He was actually very understanding and handled it better then I thought, I was scared he was going to be hurt that I let him down by being sick still (yes this is a sickness). I always hate telling him because he tells me how hard it is for him to watch me do this to myself and I get frustrated that he doesn’t understand why I am doing this, why I have this quest for thinness/perfectionism. This disease affects so much more then just your health; it affects your self esteem, identity and relationships. When I am going through a relapse I hate the person I become, the lying, sneaky, weight obsessed person. I used to get made when people asked me if I thought about how this affects them and was like this isn’t about them it is about me, but now that I am going through recovery I realize that I can’t be so selfish, I need to take responsibility for this disease. Yes ED is the disease that talks to me and convinces me to do the destructive behaviors, but I am the one who becomes the liar, cheat, etc….these are the behaviors I choose to do the behaviors I need to own up to if I ever want to recover completely. I can’t keep blaming ED for my behaviors and expecting people to understand I have no control over the voices, because I do and I need to stop them, which is my goal over the holiday season!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
And here I go again lying to myself, friends and family all because of my obsession with my weight. It is amazing how sneaky one comes when they let ED back into their lives.
Last weekend I let ED back in and now I am faced with dealing with the consequences. We had a couple gatherings over the weekend that involved what else but munching on crap while drinking! The drinking I can handle since I am not a fan of alcohol, but food now that is a whole other story. After consuming god knows how many calories, I let the guilt take over and excused myself to the bathroom where I found myself falling back into the “I can eat what I want and just purge it out” cycle. Of course I wasn’t planning on this happening so I was unprepared with gum, mints or a toothbrush. It was almost like God was trying to tell me something, because after I purged someone started knocking in the door and guess what the toilet wouldn’t flush. I was panicking and kept thinking why won’t they just go away if they know someone is in here? Well I finally got it to flush but it didn’t all go down so there I was trying to make excuses to the person so rudely knocking; almost done, turning on the water so it sounded like I was finishing up etc….Then the tank refilled and I was able to flush the rest away. What I didn’t expect was when I opened the door to see my boyfriend standing there; I am not very good at lying but this time I got away with it. He started teasing me that I was a double flusher and high 5’ing me – typical guy! I left the bathroom grabbed some food to mask my breath and then went about the rest of the night like everything was fine. The next day came around and I was back to my old self and ate healthy, exercised etc…but then it happened again at the next gathering we went to only this time he wasn’t lingering outside the door and I was able to complete my b/p cycle in peace (what peace you actually get from it).
So I am wondering is ED back to stay, especially over the holiday season or was it just a small slip that I will recover from? I have been very depressed lately probably from the lack of knowing where my relationship is headed long-term and the feeling of guilt over my kids having a spilt family. I hate shuffling my kids across town on the holidays; I just wish my life was whole again. And I feel the only way I can make it whole is to bring ED back to fill the void…………..WHY?
Do I tell my boyfriend about my slip or do I just move on? I hate people who lie and here I am doing the exact thing I hate! Isn’t it amazing how ED and make you into this sneaky and lying person when it comes to food, exercise and destructive behaviors? Yet I wouldn’t EVER lie or be sneaky with any other part of my life, how and why do we justify it for ED?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So I am wondering if I totally sabotaged my diet plan this week? I was craving dessert, which is something I don't normally do and decided to make a cake with the kids. Not just a cake, but Better then Sex cake....what was I thinking? (pretty sure I was thinking with my stomach not common sense)
Today I finally added up the ingredients and figured out the calories per serving - OMG what was I thinking? The cake I made has 15 svgs, each being 493 calories. So far I have eaten 2 pieces since making it on Sunday.
I am so nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I wonder if it will have caused me to gain weight? I know that even with eating those 2 pieces I have only gone over my caloric intake those days by like 50-100 cals, but I am still so nervous!
Guess only time will tell if I screwed up by falling into temptation, but I guess if I did screw up at least I did so during what seems to be another plateau! We have ½ the cake left and I hoping that I can contain myself to only eating 1 more piece, but maybe saving that piece for a day when I have worked out just a tad harder and eaten just a few calories less!
We first were planning on making cookies, which I think is what we will stick with next time I get a craving!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
So today I had my 8 week fit assessment completed in hopes of seeing a reduction in numbers; mostly weight!
I thought I would be happy with the numbers I was given today, but instead I am finding myself questioning the accuracy of the test, the trainer, etc....I just can't believe in myself enough to believe I could possibly be that small or muscular.
The numbers today showed a weight change of 138 down to 133, with clothes, heart rate monitor, watch, mp3, and shoes. On the scale naked in the locker room I am about 128, so there is some difference between scales, since I am assuming shoes, etc account for 2 lbs. I am fine with the scale number, even though below 130 would have awesome! My body fat % went from 14.5% down to 11.6% - really? That is what I am struggling with; how can that be? He explained to me that yes I have stuff to grab but it is extra skin (around my waist from my weight loss) and the caliper test can tell it is just skin and not fat because there is no substance to what is being pinched, where with fat you wouldn't be able to pinch it as close together.
The funniest part was when he advised me to start doing more weighted ab exercises to thicken out my stomach muscles and so the skin doesn't look as loose. Is he nuts? Like I want a thick middle be it fat or muscle; that will not be happening!
I don't know what to think about the test. I should happy to think I am only 11.6% body fat, so why am I questioning the test. The mirror is showing a person who still needs to lose about 20 lbs to truly see the muscle definition I have achieved through all my hard work. Does the mirror tell the true size of me or do the tests?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Well I may not have completed all my goals I have listed on my SparkPage, but I can a least mark off that I ran and finished (with no walking) my first 5K!!
Today I ran in the Monster Dash at 10:30am in a balmy temperature of 36 degrees around Lake Harriett. I completed it in 28:34 secs and was pretty excited to have finished it with some breathe still left in me! I was hoping for 25 minutes since I was training in the 25+ minute range, but figured I lost some time in the the start if the race when everyone is just trying to get going
Last 2 goals to complete are:
-Weigh 125lbs or less
-Body fat of 15% or less (I have this test done on Monday, so maybe just maybe I will be able to mark this off my list of accomplishments!
Happy Halloween Everyone!
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