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Goodbye Scale (aka ED)!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I finally went and saw my doctor for issues with my constant battle with ED. Even when I said he was gone, I knew in my heart he wasnít actually gone. Sure maybe I went a month without purging but he was still there; he was there on the days Iíd step on the scale and cry over the number or the days Iíd look in the mirror and cry over the image looking back at me. He was there on the days Iíd get mean to my husband because he went out to lunch and I was stuck spending my lunch at the gym, he was there when I hated skinny people, and he was there when I snapped at my kids because I was tired from too much exercise and not enough calories. He was always there waiting for his chance to come out and ruin my life.

A month ago I finally went and saw the doctor AGAIN for reasons why I was gaining weight despite my continued daily exercise at the gym; sometime multiple times and the constant calorie counting. As sad as this sounds I was hoping for a medical reason; I mean it couldnít be me causing the weight gainÖit just couldnít. Well after numerous blood tests, again I was found to be healthy; well physically healthy. There is more to being healthy then just physical health, there is emotional health and that is where I was suffering. I never wanted to go on any medications for my anxiety, depression or OCD because of ED. He was there telling me I could handle it all on my own and that the meds would only make me gain even more weight. Little did I realize that by trying to handle all this on my own I was just causing more stress in my life and what is that weight gainÖYES more weight gain. It magnified my issues more; see ED causes anxiety over weight, which causes my obsession with weight, which then causes depression when I donít reach that ďperfectĒ number and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.

I wanted to be happy AGAINÖ.I wanted to be the old Kelly. At first, we tried some medication for anxiety and it was ok, but I was still so focused on those damn numbers, so I went back and we decided to try medication for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I have now been on that for 3 weeks and it is AMAZING!! The only side effect I am suffering seems to be insomnia, but I am finding ways to combat that with either melatonin or Tylenol PM and hoping that with time it goes away. On teh plus side, I can now work out and end my exercise whenever I want now; no more working out until I hit the magical calories burned, miles ran or time spent number. I have also not stepped on the scale in over a week and you know what?...I donít even have the urge too!

My husband said he truly sees that the meds are helping and I am starting to become my old self again; silly happy Kelly. I also feel sexier even though I donít even know what I weigh. I am sure I have not lost any weight, but you never know because I longer have the stress or anxiety which can cause weight gain/bloating. I do know that I am glad to not have ED in the background telling me lies and making me unhappy.

Will I have to be on these meds the rest of my life? Hopefully not but for now, I am ok with being on them until I learn how to deal with my weight issues. I tried for 6 years to deal with ED without meds and was unsuccessful,l so I am willing to try this so I can get hid him for a long time. I know he will never leave and that is ok, BUT I will learn how to keep him locked up and away from hurting me or taking away anymore of my precious life.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DREAMNSCHEME 3/21/2012 11:31AM

    I am so glad you found something that is working for you. Living without those feelings must be such a relief!

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HEMIGIRL46 3/21/2012 11:15AM

    Wishing you all the best luck in your battle with ED!

I have a son that struggles with Anxiety and panic issues and he had tried some medication but had VERY bad side effects. I'm not an overly religious person but we have turned to prayer and faith and natural remedies and we are starting to see some let up in his symptoms!

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Today is a new day and hopefully a new me...a happy me!

Friday, February 03, 2012

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Today I am making everything new when it comes to diet and exercise. I have suffered now for 6 years with this ugly eating disorder. This demon inside of me has taken more than weight off of me; it has robbed me of so many of lifeís precious moments including my first year of marriage. I need to stop letting this demon tell me I am no good, not pretty, not skinny, etcÖI need to start listening to those around me who actually love me for me and not for what I look like. This sounds like an easy task but for those struggling with ED, you know itís not as easy as shutting the door and moving ahead. I used to tell myself I was in remission from ED but looking back, I donít actually think I ever was because as soon as I gained weight (evan a couple lbs) I'd let him back in even if for just a day or two. Even when I wasnít succumbing to his destructive behavior he is always in the back corner softly whispering to me that today my legs look bigger, your pants feel tighter or that fight you had with your hubby was because youíre not skinny or pretty anymore. I canít let him talk to me anymore and make me spend my life second guessing what everyone close to me tells me. I want to spend my life enjoying the small things; looking in the mirror & seeing my pretty face not all the imperfections of my body that I may or may not even have...I want to be HAPPY again.

Iíve have been struggling with weight gain of 20 lbs and I am determined to get the weight off without the help of ED, but rather tracking food and exercise all with the hopes of not becoming obsessive especially in regards to exercise. I like to eat and I need to remind myself that I canít pig out and then just purge, if I pig out then I need to suffer eth consequences of the scale not decreasing. Sure, I am hungry at times, because body is used to getting food even if just for awhile before being purged, but I know in time I will adjust to the reduced calories. The reduction of cals arenít starving by any means 1200-1500 and the hunger pains will stop as I get accustomed to eating within my new recommended daily allowance.

My 8 week plan to lose 2 lbs a week (16 lbs bringing me down to 135):
- 1200-1500 cals a day (avg 1300 cals during the week & 1500 cals on the weekends)
- 2000-3000 cals burned in exercise a week (5 lunch workouts & 1 weekend workout w/an occasional extra night cardio class)
- Add protein shakes after each workout (higher quality protein shake on the days I lift)
- When I get hungry at my sitting job, get up and take a walk around the office
- Increase my water consumption
- JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL (this one is what is going to keep ED away and will be the most beneficial in the end even if I donít lose weight)

I am still going to see my doctor about other hormonal issues that may be causing the weight gain despite no changes to my old maintaining regimen. I am hoping she can assist me in dealing with issues I feel are related to that stupid Mirena IUD, I had taken out almost 2 years ago. The worst mistake I ever had was getting that IUD, but again the past is the past and itís time to move forward and find ways to change what came of that decision.

Here is to a new day, new month and new year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DREAMNSCHEME 2/6/2012 11:01AM

    Sounds like you have a great plan in place. Stick to that and I have no doubt it will work well for you!

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SEPTLEFTY 2/3/2012 2:54PM

  I totally agree

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Some Progress but nothing like expected.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I guess I might be the hardest woman to please emoticon. I haven't had much luck on my weightless goal of 20 lbs; which started 4 weeks ago. As of Monday, I am down only 5 lbs, which I was hoping would be 10 lbsÖ guess I take what I can get. It is hard not seeing the results I want, when I know I can lose the weight, but then it would be reaching my goals the unhealthy way. I am very happy to report that even with all my sorrow and frustration at not losing more lbs; I have NOT purged or reverted to any of my past destructive behaviors. emoticon

I did my monthly measurements last night and was smaller in the waist & hips by a couple inches each and my chest was 1 inch smaller (not really where a woman wants to lose weight). The place I feel I had gained the most weight in the past 6 months was in my upper thighs/hips (good olí saddlebag region) and sadly that showed no decrease. emoticon

Since it has been 4 weeks now I am planning on changing up my routine and will try to concentrate more on lower body toning on my weight training days and also change up my cardio to trick my body some.

Well here goes the start of another 4 weeks, would like to hopefully at least lose 5 more lbs this next month and would be happy to at least be under that dreaded 140 mark I went over 6 months ago (Havenít been this heavy in 5 years ).



Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not sure what I am feeling right now; frustrated? I am 3 weeks into my weight loss program and just feel lost. My weight came off so easily before and now it just doesnít want to budge. I have 5 weeks left and still have 15 lbs to lose. Not sure I will be meeting my goal of 20lbs, but would be happy to lose at least 10 more lbs.

I have been trying to do this the healthy way, but man has it been hard. There have been times when I ate too many calories and the guilt started, but I reached out to my hubby for support until the guilt passed. I am happy to report I have only purged 1x in the past 3 weeks and that literally that was because I was sick to my stomach from eating food not normally eaten and not even sure if I purged on my own doing or not. I just had more work done on my teeth, which I know is the result of my bulimia, so I am trying to avoid that all together and keep my teeth healthy as well as my pocketbook filled not empty!

I guess I just keep trying and see what happens each week. I think it will help that we have closed up our cabin and will now be home on the weekends allowing me to hit the gym more often on the weekends and not be around cabin junk food! This weekend I am a hunting widow and the kids are going to their dads, so I will be free to work out to my heartís content and eat healthy with no food temptations from othersÖ.maybe this is the weekend I need to jump-start my weight loss!

5 lbs gone and counting!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HARLEY501 9/15/2011 11:16AM

    Oh I know exactly how you are feeling and I am sorry that all of this is putting stress on you. I have gained around 20 to 25 pounds since January 2010 and have now begun the fight to take it back off before we go to Mexico in January 2012. I, like you, can't exactly understand where the weight came from. I still work out 4 to 5 days a week and eat pretty moderately. However, my opinion (for what it's worth) is that I was working out 2 to 3 times a day, no less than 6 days a week to get down to my lowest weight. Although I lost the weight at a healthy rate (2 or so pounds per week), my body became accustomed to burning that many calories in a day. When I went to working out like a "normal person," my body didn't keep up with the change. Now I am trying to do this by working out 1x per day, 5 days per week and eating 1500 calories per day (that is a schedule that I can maintain for the rest of my life.) The scale has barely moved, but I feel so much better (health wise, not in my clothing yet) and my kids are so much happier because they are getting so much more of my time. Please be careful with increasing your workouts too much. You know as well as I do, that exercise is simply another way that we go running back to ED. ED still screams in my ear EVERY day, but I am getting better at turning away. Sometimes I scream back, sometimes I simply do what he tells me to do, but mostly I am getting better at ignoring.

I am still here if you need to talk. I have 30 pounds that I would like to lose by January 19th. We can do this together!

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The Marriage Weight Gain:(

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I am not even sure where to start with my emotions. I am starting to think that if I am happy then that means I am going to be heavy. Iíve been married now for 7 months and have been so happy yet Iíve also gained 20lbs. I am not even sure how and why Iíve gained the weight when I still exercise and eat pretty good. The only change is Iíve reduced my workout routines, but I still workout 4-5 times and week and they are all intense workouts. No one should have to kill himself or herself everyday just too maintain should they?

Just this past weekend we went on a Motorcycle trip to the Apostle Islands in WI and when I left on Friday I was 145.2 lbs. I didnít work out obviously on the trip, but I also didnít do any snacking as we pretty much were on the bike from 9a until 9pm every night and just eating 3 square meals a day, so can someone please explain to me how on Monday I was up 6 lbs? I literally started crying on the scale when I saw that number.

Here is some TMI so stop reading if you donít want to hear about female issues Ė ha! I donít know if I am still messed up from my IUD removal 18 months ago or what, but just until last month I hadnít had a normal cycle and even now my cycle only lasts 3 days and rolls around every 3-3 Ĺ weeks. I got my cycle on Monday even earlier and so I am wondering if the recent 6lbs is related to my body still trying to get back on track or could I possibly be starting premenopausal? Iíve been to the doctors and tests were run for metabolic disorders but everything came back normal. My OB says I am too young to be starting the change so he refuses to run any tests and says my IUD would not have caused any of cycle changes REALLY then why have I only spotted and not bleed since I had the IUD and had it removed??? I donít know maybe I looking for farfetched ideas or looking to find something else to blame rather than blame myself.

I would love to get back down to my lowest weight of 128, but also know that weight was reached the unhealthy way, so Iíd be happy now just getting to 135. Today Iím going back to my slim fast lunch routine and trying to exercise 2x a day 2x a week plu smy regualar 5x a week lunch workouts, just to see if burning an additional 800 cals will help with stopping the weight gain.

Guess I wait and see what happens in the next month, not sure what I will do if I keep gaining weightÖ.I just know I made a promise to myself I will not go down the BP routine but I would consider the excessive exercise again; not that that is any healthier I suppose.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINKABONET 8/24/2011 3:56AM

    Like Erica, I must state the inability to give medical advice over the net. That said, it's my opinion you should consider seeing a general endocrinologist and/or a gynecological endocrinologist, if you haven't already, for the menstrual irregularities, whether or not that's the source of your problem with weight gain.

If you already have seen the above specialists, you may consider getting a second opinion. Hormonal imbalances - if that's what you suffer from - can lead to seemingly unexplained sudden weight gain or loss.

I'm a little suspicious of the idea that relatively rapid weight gain comes from "happiness" in marriage. Marriage is a major life change, and like all major change, it may be joyful but also very anxiety-producing too. If this feels like a strong possibility for you, you may want to spend a few sessions with a counselor to sort your feelings out.

Also consider that whatever caused your weight gain may simply have coincided with the timing of your marriage, rather than being a reaction to getting married. The best to you.

Comment edited on: 8/24/2011 3:58:20 AM

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ERICACEAE 8/23/2011 12:24PM

    The six pounds from your trip are probably just water (etc) retention from the physical stress of being on the road. Just wait, they'll be gone by the end of the week!

Weight gain during the first year or so of marriage is pretty common - I know that's when I gained the 20 pounds that made the difference between plump and plus-sized. But it sounds like you're not necessarily gaining weight because of a lifestyle change... Especially combined with the cycle disruption. Weight gain (despite normal portions and exercise) and wacky cycles can be symptoms of PCOS or insulin resistance spectrum. (Note: this was my situation so I'm keen to raise awareness, but I'm just a Sparker, not a doctor). It could also be a hormone thing related to the IUD. Hormones and insulin are the chemicals that control how our body stores and burns fat, WAY more so than "calories-in-calories-out". I hope you can figure it out! If you're not willing to wait for medical advice to try something, a low-glycemic index diet (replacing sugar and white starches with more veggies and lean protein) is safe and healthy for anyone, and especially helpful for IR/PCOS *if* that's what's going on with you. If it is, you'd be nipping it in the bud because your weight is still really moderate and your symptoms are mild and recent.

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