Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I finally went and saw my doctor for issues with my constant battle with ED. Even when I said he was gone, I knew in my heart he wasnít actually gone. Sure maybe I went a month without purging but he was still there; he was there on the days Iíd step on the scale and cry over the number or the days Iíd look in the mirror and cry over the image looking back at me. He was there on the days Iíd get mean to my husband because he went out to lunch and I was stuck spending my lunch at the gym, he was there when I hated skinny people, and he was there when I snapped at my kids because I was tired from too much exercise and not enough calories. He was always there waiting for his chance to come out and ruin my life.
A month ago I finally went and saw the doctor AGAIN for reasons why I was gaining weight despite my continued daily exercise at the gym; sometime multiple times and the constant calorie counting. As sad as this sounds I was hoping for a medical reason; I mean it couldnít be me causing the weight gainÖit just couldnít. Well after numerous blood tests, again I was found to be healthy; well physically healthy. There is more to being healthy then just physical health, there is emotional health and that is where I was suffering. I never wanted to go on any medications for my anxiety, depression or OCD because of ED. He was there telling me I could handle it all on my own and that the meds would only make me gain even more weight. Little did I realize that by trying to handle all this on my own I was just causing more stress in my life and what is that weight gainÖYES more weight gain. It magnified my issues more; see ED causes anxiety over weight, which causes my obsession with weight, which then causes depression when I donít reach that ďperfectĒ number and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.
I wanted to be happy AGAINÖ.I wanted to be the old Kelly. At first, we tried some medication for anxiety and it was ok, but I was still so focused on those damn numbers, so I went back and we decided to try medication for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I have now been on that for 3 weeks and it is AMAZING!! The only side effect I am suffering seems to be insomnia, but I am finding ways to combat that with either melatonin or Tylenol PM and hoping that with time it goes away. On teh plus side, I can now work out and end my exercise whenever I want now; no more working out until I hit the magical calories burned, miles ran or time spent number. I have also not stepped on the scale in over a week and you know what?...I donít even have the urge too!
My husband said he truly sees that the meds are helping and I am starting to become my old self again; silly happy Kelly. I also feel sexier even though I donít even know what I weigh. I am sure I have not lost any weight, but you never know because I longer have the stress or anxiety which can cause weight gain/bloating. I do know that I am glad to not have ED in the background telling me lies and making me unhappy.
Will I have to be on these meds the rest of my life? Hopefully not but for now, I am ok with being on them until I learn how to deal with my weight issues. I tried for 6 years to deal with ED without meds and was unsuccessful,l so I am willing to try this so I can get hid him for a long time. I know he will never leave and that is ok, BUT I will learn how to keep him locked up and away from hurting me or taking away anymore of my precious life.
Friday, February 03, 2012
What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Today I am making everything new when it comes to diet and exercise. I have suffered now for 6 years with this ugly eating disorder. This demon inside of me has taken more than weight off of me; it has robbed me of so many of lifeís precious moments including my first year of marriage. I need to stop letting this demon tell me I am no good, not pretty, not skinny, etcÖI need to start listening to those around me who actually love me for me and not for what I look like. This sounds like an easy task but for those struggling with ED, you know itís not as easy as shutting the door and moving ahead. I used to tell myself I was in remission from ED but looking back, I donít actually think I ever was because as soon as I gained weight (evan a couple lbs) I'd let him back in even if for just a day or two. Even when I wasnít succumbing to his destructive behavior he is always in the back corner softly whispering to me that today my legs look bigger, your pants feel tighter or that fight you had with your hubby was because youíre not skinny or pretty anymore. I canít let him talk to me anymore and make me spend my life second guessing what everyone close to me tells me. I want to spend my life enjoying the small things; looking in the mirror & seeing my pretty face not all the imperfections of my body that I may or may not even have...I want to be HAPPY again.
Iíve have been struggling with weight gain of 20 lbs and I am determined to get the weight off without the help of ED, but rather tracking food and exercise all with the hopes of not becoming obsessive especially in regards to exercise. I like to eat and I need to remind myself that I canít pig out and then just purge, if I pig out then I need to suffer eth consequences of the scale not decreasing. Sure, I am hungry at times, because body is used to getting food even if just for awhile before being purged, but I know in time I will adjust to the reduced calories. The reduction of cals arenít starving by any means 1200-1500 and the hunger pains will stop as I get accustomed to eating within my new recommended daily allowance.
My 8 week plan to lose 2 lbs a week (16 lbs bringing me down to 135):
- 1200-1500 cals a day (avg 1300 cals during the week & 1500 cals on the weekends)
- 2000-3000 cals burned in exercise a week (5 lunch workouts & 1 weekend workout w/an occasional extra night cardio class)
- Add protein shakes after each workout (higher quality protein shake on the days I lift)
- When I get hungry at my sitting job, get up and take a walk around the office
- Increase my water consumption
- JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL (this one is what is going to keep ED away and will be the most beneficial in the end even if I donít lose weight)
I am still going to see my doctor about other hormonal issues that may be causing the weight gain despite no changes to my old maintaining regimen. I am hoping she can assist me in dealing with issues I feel are related to that stupid Mirena IUD, I had taken out almost 2 years ago. The worst mistake I ever had was getting that IUD, but again the past is the past and itís time to move forward and find ways to change what came of that decision.
Here is to a new day, new month and new year!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I am not even sure where to start with my emotions. I am starting to think that if I am happy then that means I am going to be heavy. Iíve been married now for 7 months and have been so happy yet Iíve also gained 20lbs. I am not even sure how and why Iíve gained the weight when I still exercise and eat pretty good. The only change is Iíve reduced my workout routines, but I still workout 4-5 times and week and they are all intense workouts. No one should have to kill himself or herself everyday just too maintain should they?
Just this past weekend we went on a Motorcycle trip to the Apostle Islands in WI and when I left on Friday I was 145.2 lbs. I didnít work out obviously on the trip, but I also didnít do any snacking as we pretty much were on the bike from 9a until 9pm every night and just eating 3 square meals a day, so can someone please explain to me how on Monday I was up 6 lbs? I literally started crying on the scale when I saw that number.
Here is some TMI so stop reading if you donít want to hear about female issues Ė ha! I donít know if I am still messed up from my IUD removal 18 months ago or what, but just until last month I hadnít had a normal cycle and even now my cycle only lasts 3 days and rolls around every 3-3 Ĺ weeks. I got my cycle on Monday even earlier and so I am wondering if the recent 6lbs is related to my body still trying to get back on track or could I possibly be starting premenopausal? Iíve been to the doctors and tests were run for metabolic disorders but everything came back normal. My OB says I am too young to be starting the change so he refuses to run any tests and says my IUD would not have caused any of cycle changes REALLY then why have I only spotted and not bleed since I had the IUD and had it removed??? I donít know maybe I looking for farfetched ideas or looking to find something else to blame rather than blame myself.
I would love to get back down to my lowest weight of 128, but also know that weight was reached the unhealthy way, so Iíd be happy now just getting to 135. Today Iím going back to my slim fast lunch routine and trying to exercise 2x a day 2x a week plu smy regualar 5x a week lunch workouts, just to see if burning an additional 800 cals will help with stopping the weight gain.
Guess I wait and see what happens in the next month, not sure what I will do if I keep gaining weightÖ.I just know I made a promise to myself I will not go down the BP routine but I would consider the excessive exercise again; not that that is any healthier I suppose.
Get An Email Alert Each Time KKESS11 Posts