Monday, April 30, 2012
Today was the last day of my Philosophy class. I had a 5 page paper and 12 journal entries due. Was I prepared? Of course not. I spent all day finishing those and still didn't finish until he was literally collecting them. Sometimes my procrastination skills amaze me. I hope that as I get my health habits under control, the other areas of my life will follow suit. I wasn't able to workout. I just didn't have the time. It killed me that I was sitting at my dad's house, a staircase away from the treadmill, but couldn't walk. I literally could not take 30 minutes away from my schoolwork. At least I had a healthy lunch and didn't snack due to stress. To be honest, I tried. I made popcorn, but burned it. Thank you, short attention span!
By the time I got home, it was already 8:30. I was feeling guilty about not walking, so I decided to take Diesel for a walk. As soon as I opened the front door, it started raining. I thought, "Great. Now I won't get any exercise in today." Then I realized Old Me would have given up so easily, too. New Me wouldn't. I took Diesel for a short walk in the rain. One lap around the neighborhood. Only ten minutes. But that's ten minutes more than I was going to do. Surprisingly, I didn't mind the rain. It was refreshing. It's been a long time since I had a chance to just THINK. It was just me, Diesel, and the rain. No rushing about. No temptation. No frustrating situations to deal with. It was nice.
When I got home, it was back to reality. I was hungry, so I diced up some potatoes and put some tilapia in the oven. A little bit of unsweetened applesauce and a few Special K cracker chips. Yum. I didn't make my water goal for today, but there's always tomorrow. And tomorrow is definitely a new day. Another chance.
One more class and I'm done for the summer. I can't wait. That'll give me so much extra time to focus on ME and getting healthy. This summer is going to rock.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
In my last blog entry (from just a few hours ago), I was talking about how I was going to finish off my rough day great. I was at my dad's, in the bathroom changing into my workout clothes when I got a phone call. My best friend/roommate said that my dog (who is basically my child) was acting odd. He could barely stand up, let alone walk straight. He seemed drunk and dizzy. He was panting very hard, throwing up, etc. Naturally, I rushed home. Turns out he's fine. I think he and my other dog were playing too rough outside and Thor hit his head. Because he hadn't been fed yet today, he got extra sick. But like I said, he's just fine. He just needed a little rest, some food, and his mommy. Yes, I'm one of those people that treats my dog like my child.
This is Thor:
So I didn't get to workout. And in the midst of all of the emotion, I turned to food for comfort. Luckily I went for fresh mushrooms. And then popcorn...Once he was fine, I was fine, but I feel guilty. I guess it's just an off day. I tracked everything and I'm still a little under my calorie goal, but I'm disappointed in myself for eating for comfort (and boredom this morning). On a better note, I finally tasted the Lipton diet watermelon green tea I bought. I don't typically like tea, so I was a little nervous. But because it has 0 calories and pretty much nothing else, I figured I could learn to love it. I tried it and liked it. I'm so glad I've found a few low calorie drinks so I'm not stuck with water all the time.
Anyway...I was feeling guilty and starting to beat myself up. But I decided that instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I'd do something about it. Though I can't go back in time to this morning and stop myself from snacking all day, I could move forward. I decided to take my German Shepherd, Diesel, for a walk. He usually does pretty well, though he's an outside dog. I'm not sure where he learned to walk on a leash, but he's not bad at it. I'm going to start taking Diesel for more walks. I found me a workout buddy. =]
This is Diesel:
So we took a couple laps around the neighborhood. It only took 20 minutes, but that's 20 minutes more of exercise than I had before. I know I didn't burn many calories, but I'm proud of myself for going walking anyway. I didn't HAVE to do it. I could have just sat here and thought about how off track I'd gotten today. I could have said "Oh well. I already messed up. Why even go for a walk? It's not going to fix anything." Old Me would have. Today would have been the day that Old Me quit. But I'm done being the fat girl. Old Me can kiss my country butt because she isn't allowed to make decisions anymore.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off. I will keep my head up. I will keep right on truckin'. I will let New Me have the power. I will let New Me shine.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I've posted before about how difficult it can be to avoid the junk at work sometimes. Well to make matters much worse, it's the most challenging week of the month...
Someone tried to give me donuts and I turned them down all night long. But as the night wore on, I was getting restless. I was stocking shelves, drooling over all the chocolate. I finally decided that if I was going to eat something from work, it had to be somewhat sensible. I checked the labels of a lot of things before settling for beef jerky. It's one of my weaknesses. I love it. I knew when I bought it that I would probably eat the whole thing, which is why I went with turkey jerkey. I was battling with myself the whole time:
-You don't need this.
-Yes I do. I want it!
-But you'll have to track it...
-So what? I'll do better tomorrow. Everything in moderation, right?
-Yes, but choose your battles wisely. You aren't even hungry. At least eat the snack you brought.
And then it just became a childish argument of "Yes!"/"NO!" in my mind. And the "Yes!" won. It didn't have to. I could have ignored it. But I didn't. I did end up eating three servings of it. But I tracked it. It went downhill from there, though. I started up that negative self talk. The "you already messed up, might as well quit now" stuff. Someone gave me half a (2 serving) pack of M&Ms. For the first time in a few weeks, I had candy. Only one serving. But the whole time, I was thinking, "I really don't want these. They don't even taste that good." But I just couldn't quit. I was on my way out the door, almost away from all of the nonsense when I was offered donuts again. Feeling guilty about the M&Ms, I took one. I woke up today with a bad stomach ache. I don't get cramps, so I know it was the sweets that made me sick. Good deterrent, right? Ick.
It's a slippery slope. That's really the first time I've had that kind of problem in at least three weeks. I've felt guilty about it all day, but getting on SP helped. I know I'm not perfect. I can accept that. I've acknowledged it and now I have to put it away and learn from the situation. I'll do better next time. If that's the worst I do this week, I'll take it. It's gonna be a rough week for sure, though. It's going to be my first month without a bingeing week in a long time. But I know I can do it.
The rest of the day will be better. I packed a lunch box full of grapes, strawberries, carrots, and mushrooms. I'm sitting at my dad's house waiting for my tilapia to bake. I'm drinking my diet V8 splash (WHICH IS DELICIOUS, BY THE WAY! So good and it only has 10 calories per 8 oz glass. And it's loaded with vitamins. I'm loving it.). I have a Skinny Cow cookies and cream ice cream cup waiting in the freezer for after my workout.
I used to be that person who would beat myself up over making bad food choices. Except I'd punish/comfort myself by eating even more. It was a vicious cycle. But it stops here. There will be days like these. They'll be few and far between. When they do get the best of me, I won't get back on track tomorrow; I will get back on track immediately. I will recognize that one donut or one candy bar will not ruin my diet. It can't because I'm not on a diet. I'm changing my lifestyle. I can't lose. There's no reason to give up. I have 100 reasons not to quit. Actually, I now have 79 reasons. Yep. That's motivation right there. Sure, I have a long way to go, but look how far I've come! One step back? It happens. I'll take two giant leaps forward. THAT is what separates winners from losers.
The best part is that the only person who needs to forgive me is ME. There is no trying to redeem myself anymore. It's unnecessary. I am--WAS--my own worst critic. I WAS my own worst enemy. Not anymore. Old me is gone.
Isn't it nice to know that the lining is silver?
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