Friday, December 21, 2012
Today I got a package from my mom. We aren't on great terms right now and I haven't really been talking to her...This was her way of sucking up. I opened it with my roommate (who is also my Zumba partner). Lo and behold, it was filled with cookies, candies, and other sweets. We looked at each other like REALLY?! She knows how hard I've been trying to lose weight. She knows I'm an emotional eater. She knows I binge. WHY would she think it appropriate to send me something like that?? I'm so frustrated right now. I'm sure she meant well, but it really hurts my feelings that she'd set me up to fail like that. But I refuse to fail. I'm taking it to work tonight. The guys are bound to empty that box out. Maybe one of the moms out there can help explain her thinking. :/
Monday, December 17, 2012
I reached one of my mini goals of losing 50 pounds. Then came the true test of sticking with it through the stress. Oops.
The last month of school, the holidays, and everything in between took me right off track. The bad news, I gained back 10 pounds in 5 weeks. The good news, I know I can lose it. I already came to the conclusion that I work in cycles. This was just one of them. Now comes the cycle of losing. If I gain back 10 pounds for every 50 I lose, I think I'm still doing pretty good, considering. I'm still less than 280, where I was just a year ago.
So a couple days ago, I started working out again. I need to sit down and write out my formal plan. That seems to help me out a lot. Baby steps. I will slowly but surely get healthy. I will accept that it won't be a steady process because I don't do steady processes. I will not be one of those 100 pounds in a year success stories. But I will be a success story. Eventually.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
First of all, thank you to those of you who have been commenting on my blogs and continuing to encourage me. I might not have the time to thank you individually, but know that your words mean so much to me. Today is day 7 of my journaling. It is day 6 of my new-new beginning. I have come to the conclusion that I work in cycles. I am working on accepting that and dealing with it as it comes. Instead of getting upset and making it worse when I fall off the wagon, I will simply try to jump back on sooner. I'm not one of those people who can do this 24/7/365. I will have my good weeks or months and I will have my bad (hopefully) days and/or weeks. That is just going to be part of it for me. I have to accept that, as much as I'd like to pretend that I'm perfect and I will be successful all the time.
So here's a run down of this past week.
Day 1-October 31st
--I went to the grocery store. I got ONLY healthy food. I cleaned out my cabinet and my shelves in the fridge and freezer (I rent out the other bedrooms in my house, so we share space). I separated out individual servings on the things I could do that with. I made a list of everything I had "in stock" and I turned it into a one week meal plan. I scheduled my meals and decided the days and times I would workout. I remade old rules: NO fast food. NO frozen meals. Try for 64 oz of water a day. Try for 2 hours of exercise per week. On this day, I was at 240 lbs.
Day 2-November 1st
--I immediately ran into problems. My dad called me and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I threw my meal plan for the day out the window. However, I chose a 3 egg omelette with ham, swiss cheese, mushrooms, and jalapenos. I had water to drink. I threw my lunch together and took it to school. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. I stayed full for most of the day. I was kind of annoyed with myself for spending so much time planning, just to ignore it. But I decided that my focus should be on retraining myself. I forgot what hungry felt like. So I made the decision to only eat when I was hungry. If that didn't go along with the plan I'd made, so be it. It was more important not to eat when I didn't need to. At work, I didn't buy a thing. I didn't accept the fast food offers I got from the mechanics. I didn't take any of the candy. Nope. I had tuna in a pita pocket. I actually wrote "Surprisingly, this is not only filling, it's freakin' delicious. I am SO proud of myself right now." I did NOT eat when I wasn't hungry. I did NOT buy any of the food we have there. I did NOT go home feeling awful about my food choices. "Fueling the body vs comforting the mind."
Day 3-November 2nd
--Today's quote was "Control your emotion or it will control you." I had cereal and milk with half a small banana for breakfast. I found a container that makes the amount of food look like so much more than it is. It tricks my mind into thinking I'm eating way more than I actually am. I got off track at work that night (my plan literally slipped my mind) when one of the mechanics offered to share his Burger King chicken nuggets with me. He had 20, but gave me half. I wasn't that hungry, but we were all hanging out and having dinner together. Half way through, I literally stopped and realized what I was doing, that it went against what I'd decided for myself this week. I finished them anyway. I ended up eating a Fiber One muffin later on. Again, I wasn't hungry, but everyone else was snacking. At least I ate my snack and didn't share with them. I made the 64 oz of water goal. I walked on the treadmill for an hour. That was on top of 5 or 6 hours of stocking and cleaning at work.
Day 4-November 3rd
--I had cereal, milk, and half a banana for breakfast. I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I talked my friend into working out with me. We each did 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the bike. I hung out with friends later and ended up drinking quite a bit of Dr. Pepper and Southern Comfort (Dr. SoCo-my guilty pleasure). I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about it. I tracked it and moved on. I had fun and it was worth it. The stress melted. I forgot about the past few weeks of nonsense I've been dealing with.
Day 5-November 4th
--I didn't eat a thing all day. I just wasn't hungry and didn't have the desire to eat. I didn't workout, either.
Day 6-November 5th
--Cereal and milk for breakfast. Special K Fruit and Yogurt is deeeeeelicious. I went and walked on the treadmill for an hour and fifteen minutes. When I weighed, I was shocked to see it at 232. I reweighed three times before I finally accepted it as truth. When I got home, I was so hungry. I had a turkey pita pocket and it filled me right up. After class, my friend wanted to go out. We went to BDubs. We split a Chili con Queso appetizer. I drank a tall Bud Lite and a glass of Knockout Punch. NOT good for you, but I didn't feel bad. I've been making pretty good choices and I'm realizing that everything in moderation is the key. I tracked it and moved on.
This week, I learned that I don't have to deprive myself. That seems to be when I fail the most miserably. I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted, but I stopped when I was full. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel hunger. It wasn't as scary as I remembered. I could have made better decisions in some situations, but I'm happy with my choices. That's something I don't get to say very often.
I had a conversation with my mom the other day. I finally broke down and opened up to her and told her how serious my problem with food is. She said I always liked food, but she tried to regulate it. She told me I was a closet eater from the time I was 13. She was surprised when I told her I'm still like that. I don't like eating in front of people. I don't want people to know how much I eat. I binge in secret. I live on my own now and there isn't anyone to answer to, but I still sneak food. I still hide the evidence. I still feel ashamed if I'm caught getting food from the kitchen. It doesn't matter what it is or how much it is, I have to hide it. I think about food all day every day. I get excited to go home and binge. I don't know why all of this started. She wasn't sure, either. It's an issue that I've had for at least the last 8 years of my life. It's something that I pushed deep and ignored. Now that I let myself get so far gone, I'm trying to face it and it's hard. I'm afraid I'll never successfully beat it until I figure out WHY it started. There's so much more to this than I can type here. I don't quite know how to express it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this issue. Any words of advice?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Once again, things got hectic and stressful and I disappeared from Spark. I wish I had better excuses, but I don't. I pretty much just quit on myself again. This seems to be a regular thing with me. I keep telling myself that the important part is that I came back. I haven't been working out regularly and I have been doing just awful with my eating. I've been eating out a lot for no real reason. What brought me back here today? I was going through the drive through and after she handed me my food, I said thanks and she said "have a good day. be good." I drove home thinking what in the world did she mean by that? It was probably just a slip of the tongue or soemthing, but my thought was that she knew. She knew all that bad food was for me. She knew I was struggling and she told me to be good. Did it stop me from eating it? No. Did it make me feel bad the whole time? Absolutely. I was arguing with myself all morning at school about stopping for food. I kept telling myself I would feel bad and that I needed to get back on track. I gave myself the whole "I'll start tomorrow" thing...I hate this. I really do. I haven't weighed or worked out in over two weeks and I've been eating fast food at least once a day for almost that entire two weeks. I was doing so well.
What threw me off this time? Honestly, a guy. I met a guy at work about six months ago. Him and his friends were in at like 3 in the morning being goofy. They all drive tow trucks, so I saw them every once in awhile when they came to get fuel. One of them asked me for my phone number and I laughed it off. I was attracted to him, but I was scared to death it was a joke. I didn't see him again after that because his schedule changed. I saw him again about a month ago because I just so happened to be at work late. I was so excited to see him and he seemed excited to see me, too. We said hey and that was that. The next day, I stayed a little later hoping to see him again. I did. He made a comment that he never got to see me anymore and I should change that. He asked for my number again and I gave it to him. The next day, he came in an hour earlier than usual just to make sure he saw me. We started texting and ended up hanging out. The first time got cut short because he's a volunteer fireman (drool) and he got called to a fire. The second time, he met my friend and I at a bar. Once we left there, he and I went for a drive down all the back roads in his big 4x4 jeep listening to all those sexy country songs (drool again). One thing led to another and we ended up parking the jeep and blah blah blah. I figured that would be it and I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but we had a conversation on the way back to my car about how we really liked spending time with each other, but we both wanted to take it slow and build a relationship and all that good stuff. He told me he wasn't the typical guy (don't they all) so I didn't need to worry. I was thinking yeah, whatever, but at the same time, I kind of liked him so I let myself believe him a little. He showed up ridiculously early at my job two days later. I walked outside with him. He hugged me, kissed me, and asked if I'd missed him. He didn't stay long, but said he'd text me later. He didn't. I didn't hear from him the next day, either. I thought maybe he was just busy or something, but my friend convinced me to find out if he was ignoring me. I called him from my phone and he didn't answer. Two minutes later, I called him from her phone and he answered. She hung up and I was in tears. I don't know why it got to me so bad. I guess it's that whole rejection thing. But why in the world did he come up to my job and act like that if he was never going to talk to me again? And so, for the last couple of weeks, I've been comforting myself with food. I thought I didn't care and that I was over it, but apparently I'm not. It's actually for the better that we didn't get into a relationship because he has two kids and a crazy exwife. I wasn't ready for all that. Even though I know it was for the best, it still hurts. I don't get it. I'll probably never know why he did what he did, though. At least I had fun the couple of times we hung out. I'm just getting to that point where I'm doubting that I'll ever find someone who really likes me the way I am and doesn't run. I'm only 21. I shouldn't be so cynical. I'm such a baby.
I definitely should not let other people have that kind of affect on my eating/exercising. How can I stop doing that? How can I keep my health separate from the other aspects of my life? How do I get back on track after such a meltdown?
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The show was sold out...No Florida-Georgia Line for me. :(
I did alright today on eating. I didn't go work out. I've been kind of lazy. Procrastinating a whole lot. Trying to avoid 2 of my roommates because they're one of my biggest stressors. I have a check-up at the doctor in the morning. I'm excited to see if I've lost any weight by doctor-scale standards.
And life goes on...
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