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Worst Christmas package ever? DEAR MOMS.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Today I got a package from my mom. We aren't on great terms right now and I haven't really been talking to her...This was her way of sucking up. I opened it with my roommate (who is also my Zumba partner). Lo and behold, it was filled with cookies, candies, and other sweets. We looked at each other like REALLY?! She knows how hard I've been trying to lose weight. She knows I'm an emotional eater. She knows I binge. WHY would she think it appropriate to send me something like that?? I'm so frustrated right now. I'm sure she meant well, but it really hurts my feelings that she'd set me up to fail like that. But I refuse to fail. I'm taking it to work tonight. The guys are bound to empty that box out. Maybe one of the moms out there can help explain her thinking. :/

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREEME1980 12/22/2012 12:31PM

    At least you were remembered. A thank you note to mother indicating that your co-workers appreciated and benefited from the goodies that you were not able to enjoy would be a good acknowledgement that you received her gift. Perhaps the suggestion of a gift card so you can purchase new workout clothes would be a more appropriate future gift.

Happy holidays! emoticon

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    Honey, it's something my mom would have done. Not thinking but wanting to send something.
I'm a mom and grandmom and also fighting with all the food I see. It's not easy but you hang in there. Every pound lost is a victory for you.
Merry Christmas and please keep up the good work!
You have the most beautiful eyes emoticon

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MYLADY4 12/21/2012 10:39PM

    I agree with OWNSMALLCLOTHES, I bet it was not intentional. Good for you for taking it in to work and sharing with others. I just made a bunch of candies too and sent them with my daughter with love. We live in a society where we use food to show love espcially when it may be too hard to say it.

Might just tell her that thanks for the thought and it was just too much sugar for you and does not fit with your new lifestyle but your coworkers really really appreciated it.

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BANANAFANNAH 12/21/2012 10:01PM

    Sounds like something my mom would do! We are not on good terms (more like no terms) but I think it's sort of like what Bobbie is saying.. that you may think differently. To me, I'd see that as hurtful.. but in her eyes, it's completely different. And sometimes, whether you can talk to her or not, if she doesn't quite get it, it's got to be you who changes your attitude about it. I think you went about it perfectly - take it to work and let someone else pack it away lol. Don't let it frustrate you.. sometimes it just can't be understood.


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    It was not meant to offend. It was sent with love. We do most things unconsciously.

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BEBOP4ME 12/21/2012 7:39PM

    Don't take it personally. She was probably just thinking you would like some goodies and didn't even think about you sparking. Good job taking them to work! You are just regifting a gift that isn't right for you. emoticon

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BOBBIENORTHERN1 12/21/2012 6:15PM

  Maybe, just maybe, you and her do not think alike....you think?....Just because you are thinking the way that you are in getting healthy doesn't mean that she has a clue of what or how you are thinking. Do you and her ever talk? Communication between two people really does help clear the air because I really have never met or known of anyone who is a true mind reader....Maybe this also is her way of showing her love for you because as you said she knows how much you enjoy sweet treats and what better time then at Christmas and a birthday? anyways, I am sorry you did not appreciate the gift.

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Lost 50, gained 10.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I reached one of my mini goals of losing 50 pounds. Then came the true test of sticking with it through the stress. Oops.

The last month of school, the holidays, and everything in between took me right off track. The bad news, I gained back 10 pounds in 5 weeks. The good news, I know I can lose it. I already came to the conclusion that I work in cycles. This was just one of them. Now comes the cycle of losing. If I gain back 10 pounds for every 50 I lose, I think I'm still doing pretty good, considering. I'm still less than 280, where I was just a year ago.

So a couple days ago, I started working out again. I need to sit down and write out my formal plan. That seems to help me out a lot. Baby steps. I will slowly but surely get healthy. I will accept that it won't be a steady process because I don't do steady processes. I will not be one of those 100 pounds in a year success stories. But I will be a success story. Eventually.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

L1ZB3TH354 12/17/2012 6:55PM


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SARI_GIRL 12/17/2012 5:06PM

    LOVE your attitude!

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BOBBIENORTHERN1 12/17/2012 4:49PM

  Just stick with it and never give up or quit because you are so worth it and we are all different and work at different paces and degrees.

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RICHILA 12/17/2012 12:20PM


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FITSMALLCLOTHES 12/17/2012 12:01PM

    You are a success!

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CAGMUAHFO2 12/17/2012 11:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon on the weight loss!!

You are doing an awesome job and you have the best attitude towards al of this. Knowing that you will gain some on occasion is a step in the right direction.

emoticon emoticon

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SUGARSMOM2 12/17/2012 11:14AM

  ok .take a deep breathe and let it out slowly . this is called balancing . like water runs down hill and then levels out . now you have to stay with you what worked for you . you can do this . you will go down and then you will gain a few . and then back down . do not give up . it is never ending . you need friends and people around you to talk over daily stress and the whole nine yards . talk it out . emoticon

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HAPPYLISA17 12/17/2012 11:13AM

  I hear ya. I lost 35 pounds and gained back 10-15 (it depends on the time of the month), but it's so frustrating! We moved to a place to where there is no where to walk, I got depressed living out here and have yet to endure another agonizing exercise video since going outside is no longer an option. (We are on a major highway).

Hang in there, my friend. I am sure you will get back in the swing of things. When you do, take me with you!


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Go. Me. This week's breakdown.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

First of all, thank you to those of you who have been commenting on my blogs and continuing to encourage me. I might not have the time to thank you individually, but know that your words mean so much to me. Today is day 7 of my journaling. It is day 6 of my new-new beginning. I have come to the conclusion that I work in cycles. I am working on accepting that and dealing with it as it comes. Instead of getting upset and making it worse when I fall off the wagon, I will simply try to jump back on sooner. I'm not one of those people who can do this 24/7/365. I will have my good weeks or months and I will have my bad (hopefully) days and/or weeks. That is just going to be part of it for me. I have to accept that, as much as I'd like to pretend that I'm perfect and I will be successful all the time.

So here's a run down of this past week.

Day 1-October 31st
--I went to the grocery store. I got ONLY healthy food. I cleaned out my cabinet and my shelves in the fridge and freezer (I rent out the other bedrooms in my house, so we share space). I separated out individual servings on the things I could do that with. I made a list of everything I had "in stock" and I turned it into a one week meal plan. I scheduled my meals and decided the days and times I would workout. I remade old rules: NO fast food. NO frozen meals. Try for 64 oz of water a day. Try for 2 hours of exercise per week. On this day, I was at 240 lbs.

Day 2-November 1st
--I immediately ran into problems. My dad called me and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I threw my meal plan for the day out the window. However, I chose a 3 egg omelette with ham, swiss cheese, mushrooms, and jalapenos. I had water to drink. I threw my lunch together and took it to school. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. I stayed full for most of the day. I was kind of annoyed with myself for spending so much time planning, just to ignore it. But I decided that my focus should be on retraining myself. I forgot what hungry felt like. So I made the decision to only eat when I was hungry. If that didn't go along with the plan I'd made, so be it. It was more important not to eat when I didn't need to. At work, I didn't buy a thing. I didn't accept the fast food offers I got from the mechanics. I didn't take any of the candy. Nope. I had tuna in a pita pocket. I actually wrote "Surprisingly, this is not only filling, it's freakin' delicious. I am SO proud of myself right now." I did NOT eat when I wasn't hungry. I did NOT buy any of the food we have there. I did NOT go home feeling awful about my food choices. "Fueling the body vs comforting the mind."

Day 3-November 2nd
--Today's quote was "Control your emotion or it will control you." I had cereal and milk with half a small banana for breakfast. I found a container that makes the amount of food look like so much more than it is. It tricks my mind into thinking I'm eating way more than I actually am. I got off track at work that night (my plan literally slipped my mind) when one of the mechanics offered to share his Burger King chicken nuggets with me. He had 20, but gave me half. I wasn't that hungry, but we were all hanging out and having dinner together. Half way through, I literally stopped and realized what I was doing, that it went against what I'd decided for myself this week. I finished them anyway. I ended up eating a Fiber One muffin later on. Again, I wasn't hungry, but everyone else was snacking. At least I ate my snack and didn't share with them. I made the 64 oz of water goal. I walked on the treadmill for an hour. That was on top of 5 or 6 hours of stocking and cleaning at work.

Day 4-November 3rd
--I had cereal, milk, and half a banana for breakfast. I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I talked my friend into working out with me. We each did 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the bike. I hung out with friends later and ended up drinking quite a bit of Dr. Pepper and Southern Comfort (Dr. SoCo-my guilty pleasure). I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about it. I tracked it and moved on. I had fun and it was worth it. The stress melted. I forgot about the past few weeks of nonsense I've been dealing with.

Day 5-November 4th
--I didn't eat a thing all day. I just wasn't hungry and didn't have the desire to eat. I didn't workout, either.

Day 6-November 5th
--Cereal and milk for breakfast. Special K Fruit and Yogurt is deeeeeelicious. I went and walked on the treadmill for an hour and fifteen minutes. When I weighed, I was shocked to see it at 232. I reweighed three times before I finally accepted it as truth. When I got home, I was so hungry. I had a turkey pita pocket and it filled me right up. After class, my friend wanted to go out. We went to BDubs. We split a Chili con Queso appetizer. I drank a tall Bud Lite and a glass of Knockout Punch. NOT good for you, but I didn't feel bad. I've been making pretty good choices and I'm realizing that everything in moderation is the key. I tracked it and moved on.

This week, I learned that I don't have to deprive myself. That seems to be when I fail the most miserably. I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted, but I stopped when I was full. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel hunger. It wasn't as scary as I remembered. I could have made better decisions in some situations, but I'm happy with my choices. That's something I don't get to say very often.

I had a conversation with my mom the other day. I finally broke down and opened up to her and told her how serious my problem with food is. She said I always liked food, but she tried to regulate it. She told me I was a closet eater from the time I was 13. She was surprised when I told her I'm still like that. I don't like eating in front of people. I don't want people to know how much I eat. I binge in secret. I live on my own now and there isn't anyone to answer to, but I still sneak food. I still hide the evidence. I still feel ashamed if I'm caught getting food from the kitchen. It doesn't matter what it is or how much it is, I have to hide it. I think about food all day every day. I get excited to go home and binge. I don't know why all of this started. She wasn't sure, either. It's an issue that I've had for at least the last 8 years of my life. It's something that I pushed deep and ignored. Now that I let myself get so far gone, I'm trying to face it and it's hard. I'm afraid I'll never successfully beat it until I figure out WHY it started. There's so much more to this than I can type here. I don't quite know how to express it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this issue. Any words of advice?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISSASLOSINIT 12/17/2012 8:06PM

    I don't have any advice about the last part of this blog; I really have no idea what might have caused your problems with food. I'm still struggling to figure out where my own come from. :-/ However, I had to comment because I was a bit concerned about the fact that on one day, you barely ate, and on another, you didn't eat at all. This doesn't seem healthy to me and I hope you don't continue that habit. I can't see it working out for you in the long run. :( I hope this doesn't offend you, it's just my concern as a SparkFriend!

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    They genetically changed the wheat ~ 40 years ago. It is addictive, has a protein that binds to the morphine receptors in the brain.
Check out Wheat Belly by Dr Davis.
Been eating paleo for months, still binge, but on paleo. Losing weight slowly, happy, feel good.

Hugs and my best to you on your journey.

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JOYCECAIN 11/12/2012 5:13AM

    I to, believe blogging and keeping focuseed on the food and planning your day, it is the best way to go. Keep up good work.

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CINDYSDAY 11/7/2012 10:28AM

    Just take one day at a time and do the best you can! I believe that journaling or bloging will help to get your thoughts and feelings out might give you a new outlook! emoticon

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I'm back...again. Warning: lots of whining.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Once again, things got hectic and stressful and I disappeared from Spark. I wish I had better excuses, but I don't. I pretty much just quit on myself again. This seems to be a regular thing with me. I keep telling myself that the important part is that I came back. I haven't been working out regularly and I have been doing just awful with my eating. I've been eating out a lot for no real reason. What brought me back here today? I was going through the drive through and after she handed me my food, I said thanks and she said "have a good day. be good." I drove home thinking what in the world did she mean by that? It was probably just a slip of the tongue or soemthing, but my thought was that she knew. She knew all that bad food was for me. She knew I was struggling and she told me to be good. Did it stop me from eating it? No. Did it make me feel bad the whole time? Absolutely. I was arguing with myself all morning at school about stopping for food. I kept telling myself I would feel bad and that I needed to get back on track. I gave myself the whole "I'll start tomorrow" thing...I hate this. I really do. I haven't weighed or worked out in over two weeks and I've been eating fast food at least once a day for almost that entire two weeks. I was doing so well.

What threw me off this time? Honestly, a guy. I met a guy at work about six months ago. Him and his friends were in at like 3 in the morning being goofy. They all drive tow trucks, so I saw them every once in awhile when they came to get fuel. One of them asked me for my phone number and I laughed it off. I was attracted to him, but I was scared to death it was a joke. I didn't see him again after that because his schedule changed. I saw him again about a month ago because I just so happened to be at work late. I was so excited to see him and he seemed excited to see me, too. We said hey and that was that. The next day, I stayed a little later hoping to see him again. I did. He made a comment that he never got to see me anymore and I should change that. He asked for my number again and I gave it to him. The next day, he came in an hour earlier than usual just to make sure he saw me. We started texting and ended up hanging out. The first time got cut short because he's a volunteer fireman (drool) and he got called to a fire. The second time, he met my friend and I at a bar. Once we left there, he and I went for a drive down all the back roads in his big 4x4 jeep listening to all those sexy country songs (drool again). One thing led to another and we ended up parking the jeep and blah blah blah. I figured that would be it and I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but we had a conversation on the way back to my car about how we really liked spending time with each other, but we both wanted to take it slow and build a relationship and all that good stuff. He told me he wasn't the typical guy (don't they all) so I didn't need to worry. I was thinking yeah, whatever, but at the same time, I kind of liked him so I let myself believe him a little. He showed up ridiculously early at my job two days later. I walked outside with him. He hugged me, kissed me, and asked if I'd missed him. He didn't stay long, but said he'd text me later. He didn't. I didn't hear from him the next day, either. I thought maybe he was just busy or something, but my friend convinced me to find out if he was ignoring me. I called him from my phone and he didn't answer. Two minutes later, I called him from her phone and he answered. She hung up and I was in tears. I don't know why it got to me so bad. I guess it's that whole rejection thing. But why in the world did he come up to my job and act like that if he was never going to talk to me again? And so, for the last couple of weeks, I've been comforting myself with food. I thought I didn't care and that I was over it, but apparently I'm not. It's actually for the better that we didn't get into a relationship because he has two kids and a crazy exwife. I wasn't ready for all that. Even though I know it was for the best, it still hurts. I don't get it. I'll probably never know why he did what he did, though. At least I had fun the couple of times we hung out. I'm just getting to that point where I'm doubting that I'll ever find someone who really likes me the way I am and doesn't run. I'm only 21. I shouldn't be so cynical. I'm such a baby.

I definitely should not let other people have that kind of affect on my eating/exercising. How can I stop doing that? How can I keep my health separate from the other aspects of my life? How do I get back on track after such a meltdown?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIAINLA 11/4/2012 8:45PM

    I relate to what happened to you. It's happened to me in the past. Who knows why guys/people act like that-. I totally get eating to feel better .and in your case...(all the Sparkers will maybe get mad) but food was there for you -you needed comfort. But the great thing is-is that you did it for only a while during the worst part but now you're back to watching what you eat. I hope that unpleasant experience you had with that guy..maybe somehow..you learned something about what you want for yourself in the future. I remember I once really liked this guy and I felt like he was going to maybe do something like what happened to you and he did. In a mean way too-just dropped me cold. Then he ran into and told my best friend that for some feeling he couldnt explain just wasnt interested anymore in me and then tried to get with her! I think he was into the challenge of getting different women. Well after all that I vowed to look for someone who was basically much more sincere/nicer deep down. And I never did date someone as heartless again-that's the good news. But sorry that happened to you. -Feel better soon...Update us on how you are doing. emoticon

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TOJOHO2005 11/1/2012 7:44PM

    Welcome back!
I had a rough bout with food this week as well. It was Halloween and I ate way too much candy.

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AUBREY_25_99 10/30/2012 5:23PM

  I am so sorry to hear about your troubles! While I was reading your blog, it occurred to me that I could have written it myself! I tend to fall of the health wagon, so to speak, for seemingly no reason, or for really stupid reasons. I, too, will go weeks at a time eating fast food and junk food and not working out - for no reason that I can understand. I feel your pain!

I do find that the more prepared I am to stay on a healthy eating plan, the more likely I am to stick to it. I try and keep stocked up in healthy food choices. I feel more obligated to eat the food that I have already paid for, and I am more apt to make better food choices with prior planning. If I get up in the morning and don't have the proper foods to eat, there is almost no chance that I am going to make good decisions about food that day. The more advance planning I do for my health, the better off I am. It keeps me away from the drive-thru.

As far as how to stop letting other people get to you and stop you from doing what you know is healthy and good for you, I do have an answer for that: you just need to get a little bit selfish. Move yourself to the top of your priority list. If you do this, your self confidence will increase, you will do the things that you know are right for you, and you will naturally become more desirable to other people. When you feel better, you look better and when you look better you will exude more confidence. Confidence and self assurance is what gives you the ability to weed out the not-so-good for you type of guy and gives you a much healthier outlook on what a relationship should be. Don't even let the loser who said he would call (and then never did) even cross your mind. The problem is clearly with him and not you! Anyone who wold leave you in a lurch like that should raise a giant red flag that says "I'm not worth your time", anyway. Judging by his erratic behavior and my past experiences, the guy probably had some other girl he was stringing along and when his time spent with you threatened that, he ditched. I've seen it a dozen times. LOL. There are real men out there, I promise.

Anyway, sorry if I got too heavy on you! I have been in your shoes many times. Welcome back to the Spark!


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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The show was sold out...No Florida-Georgia Line for me. :(

I did alright today on eating. I didn't go work out. I've been kind of lazy. Procrastinating a whole lot. Trying to avoid 2 of my roommates because they're one of my biggest stressors. I have a check-up at the doctor in the morning. I'm excited to see if I've lost any weight by doctor-scale standards.

And life goes on...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISSASLOSINIT 9/27/2012 4:49PM

    keep your chin up girl. we all have blah days!

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SASHA521 9/26/2012 11:17PM


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