Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Today started with a small victory - I hit the snooze button but still managed to get myself out of bed before the alarm went off the second time. I have gotten into the bad habit of hitting the snooze 2-3 times, so this was definitely a noteworthy accomplishment for me today.
For a week now, I have been down to 2 cups of coffee-- also a victory in my book : )
Another positive - in the midst of a wild day, where no part of my day was as usually scheduled, I met my fitness minutes goal and I managed to stay within my total calorie goals for today. Unfortunately the distribution of calories was way to heavy on the fats, so I will do better with that tomorrow.
And I am fully prepared to meet my goal of getting to bed on time, so this is Good Night!!
Monday, August 20, 2012
After a good three weeks of staying within my calorie goals, I have gone over three times in the last week. A few days ago it was an over-abundance of yummy foods within arm's reach that tempted me beyond my powers to resist. That day was altogether good but exhausting , so I willingly allowed myself to splurge, knowing that I had been doing well and that I could start fresh again the next day. The unfortunate, though not unusual I suppose, side-effect of my splurging is that my food cravings have kicked back into high gear. For a couple of days I was able to fight the cravings pretty valiantly, but yesterday I was tired and served myself my "old" portion sizes - way overboard! - without really thinking about what I was doing. My stomach is still able to fit all that food comfortably, so I didn't even really notice how poorly I had done until I did my afternoon/evening nutrition tracking at the end of the day. I was actually rather surprised when I thought back to my meal/snack portions and realized how large they were, and how unaware I was of it! But it was the end of the day and I was tired, so instead of taking the time and mental energy to think about my behavior and my motivations, I just went to bed!
Today I woke up in a terrible mood - didn't even want to get out of bed! Weighed myself this morning and I was a pound heavier than the week before. Discouraged, annoyed with myself, and voraciously hungry (for comfort I think) I supplemented my planned healthy snacks with the junk food that is always available in the breakroom.
What is my strategy for tomorrow? I need to focus myself on something good! I may not like the fact that i gained a pound this week, but obviously I put the food in my mouth, and thought that I was deriving some pleasure from it at the time. I am tempted to be upset with myself over this, but that will not gain me anything (except more pounds if I stay in this cycle!) so I need to let it go. It is in the past, and I can move forward.
I want to be healthy and live well. I am willing to put in the effort to make this happen. I have seen some of the fruits of my efforts in my ability to manage hills and stairs much better than I was a month ago. I know that I feel better when I am active and eat well. A pound gained can be lost again, and it will be!
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will treat it as such, I leave the disappointments of today behind. I have every intention of meeting my nutrition and fitness goals tomorrow. And I have the expectation that I will be satisfied with my day when it is over!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
My thoughts this evening are being directed by two articles that I have read in the last 24 hours.
The first SparkPeople featured article that I found on the start page, "Improve Your Self-Esteem with Journaling : Writing a Better You" www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellnes
The second is an article recommended by MPLANE37 in response to my blog yesterday "We are what we do"
It is interesting to ponder the connections between who I think I am, the self that I show to the world through my words and actions, who other perceive me to be, and the true essence of who I really am in the depth of my being that goes beyond all of the rest!!
In my own life I can see how my self-thinking influence my behavior and how my behaviors influence my self-thinking, just as the different parts of my life affect one another. My feeling of accomplishment at getting the house straightened up over the week can make the normally miserable Monday morning at work much more bearable, and improve the tone of my conversations with my coworkers; a great conversation with a friend can make me forget the terrible traffic jam I endure earlier in the day. etc. Unfortunately it can often work in the other direction as well.
We are such wonderfully complex creatures that any given piece of one's self can only give a glimpse of the whole person, and each of the facets of who we are can influence all of the other pieces in this puzzle of self!
It is easy to appreciate the complexity and just leave it at that. We can go through life allowing our selves to drift in directions we would never actively choose sometimes. For instance, I would never have chosen to be overweight simply to have a round body and lots of flab to shake when I run or jump. I have been overweight to varying degrees since childhood. I didn't choose to be a chubby toddler or a plump 6 year old, but I have made lots of choices in the 30+ years since then that have kept me there. I think a big thing holding me back is fear of failure. I am not sure what I think I have to prove or to whom I need to prove it, but this fear is at work in other facets of my life as well.
In stepping out of my comfort zone of comfort foods and a stationary life, I am hoping that my success in changing my diet and increasing my level of health and fitness will spill over into the other areas of my life that need a boost as well.
And at this moment I am too tired to think coherently, so I think that I have said enough for now!!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Is it possible that I am walking through life thinking that I am someone I am not?
An acquaintance of mine made a comment in passing about "people our size" and it has thrown me for a loop. Never in the entire history of our acquaintance have I thought of us as similar in size. And actually it isn't just size but she seems to think that we two are similar in countless ways that I just can't see.
The way I perceive her is larger in every way. We have a similar shape, and maybe a similar BMI but she is at least 6 inches taller than me and proportionate larger everywhere else. She is a loud person and in conversation she has no respect for the personal space that I desire. She thinks she knows everything, and she is always right. I guess, in short, I am somewhat overwhelmed by her presence, and in essence I really do not like her.
I think that she is wrong, but is she right??
I know that I am fat, but am I really bigger than I think? I think that I am rather quiet, polite and reserved am I really load and offensive?
How can we know if our self-perceptions are right? If self is involved I am likely to be biased in one way or another.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Not to be deterred by lack of success yesterday, I tried another cardio workout video today. Still I feel like an uncoordinated fool trying to get my body to do what it is supposed to be doing when it is supposed to do it! Of course being obese with a life-long history of being challenged in the areas of both rhythm and hand-eye coordination does not help matters!
I finally did manage to get through the 11 minute chair cardio workout -- and at least there was no one there to see me (not even myself as I positioned myself away from the mirror this time!)
If I stick at this, though, it can only get better. Right?
After the last two days I am not feeling very hopeful of progress, but I am trying to tell myself that it is worth the effort, and the pain, and the embarrassment to get to the point where feel healthy and capable of reaching my goals. Even more importantly I am worthy of all of the effort, pain, embarrassment of this journey to a healthier me!!!
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