Sunday, August 19, 2012
My thoughts this evening are being directed by two articles that I have read in the last 24 hours.
The first SparkPeople featured article that I found on the start page, "Improve Your Self-Esteem with Journaling : Writing a Better You" www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellnes
The second is an article recommended by MPLANE37 in response to my blog yesterday "We are what we do"
It is interesting to ponder the connections between who I think I am, the self that I show to the world through my words and actions, who other perceive me to be, and the true essence of who I really am in the depth of my being that goes beyond all of the rest!!
In my own life I can see how my self-thinking influence my behavior and how my behaviors influence my self-thinking, just as the different parts of my life affect one another. My feeling of accomplishment at getting the house straightened up over the week can make the normally miserable Monday morning at work much more bearable, and improve the tone of my conversations with my coworkers; a great conversation with a friend can make me forget the terrible traffic jam I endure earlier in the day. etc. Unfortunately it can often work in the other direction as well.
We are such wonderfully complex creatures that any given piece of one's self can only give a glimpse of the whole person, and each of the facets of who we are can influence all of the other pieces in this puzzle of self!
It is easy to appreciate the complexity and just leave it at that. We can go through life allowing our selves to drift in directions we would never actively choose sometimes. For instance, I would never have chosen to be overweight simply to have a round body and lots of flab to shake when I run or jump. I have been overweight to varying degrees since childhood. I didn't choose to be a chubby toddler or a plump 6 year old, but I have made lots of choices in the 30+ years since then that have kept me there. I think a big thing holding me back is fear of failure. I am not sure what I think I have to prove or to whom I need to prove it, but this fear is at work in other facets of my life as well.
In stepping out of my comfort zone of comfort foods and a stationary life, I am hoping that my success in changing my diet and increasing my level of health and fitness will spill over into the other areas of my life that need a boost as well.
And at this moment I am too tired to think coherently, so I think that I have said enough for now!!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Is it possible that I am walking through life thinking that I am someone I am not?
An acquaintance of mine made a comment in passing about "people our size" and it has thrown me for a loop. Never in the entire history of our acquaintance have I thought of us as similar in size. And actually it isn't just size but she seems to think that we two are similar in countless ways that I just can't see.
The way I perceive her is larger in every way. We have a similar shape, and maybe a similar BMI but she is at least 6 inches taller than me and proportionate larger everywhere else. She is a loud person and in conversation she has no respect for the personal space that I desire. She thinks she knows everything, and she is always right. I guess, in short, I am somewhat overwhelmed by her presence, and in essence I really do not like her.
I think that she is wrong, but is she right??
I know that I am fat, but am I really bigger than I think? I think that I am rather quiet, polite and reserved am I really load and offensive?
How can we know if our self-perceptions are right? If self is involved I am likely to be biased in one way or another.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Not to be deterred by lack of success yesterday, I tried another cardio workout video today. Still I feel like an uncoordinated fool trying to get my body to do what it is supposed to be doing when it is supposed to do it! Of course being obese with a life-long history of being challenged in the areas of both rhythm and hand-eye coordination does not help matters!
I finally did manage to get through the 11 minute chair cardio workout -- and at least there was no one there to see me (not even myself as I positioned myself away from the mirror this time!)
If I stick at this, though, it can only get better. Right?
After the last two days I am not feeling very hopeful of progress, but I am trying to tell myself that it is worth the effort, and the pain, and the embarrassment to get to the point where feel healthy and capable of reaching my goals. Even more importantly I am worthy of all of the effort, pain, embarrassment of this journey to a healthier me!!!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Yesterday was a long, exhausting day. I have a desk job, but yesterday I rarely sat down aside from my lunch break - and the office had a special catered lunch, so YUMMY, but I ate WAY too much!! (Did enjoy some fruit - but they were very decadent chocolate covered strawberries!) It was such a busy day that I never had time for a coffee break in the morning or the afternoon - the plus side on that is that I didn't snack between meals (and there were lots of tempting goodies available yesterday) but unfortunately that also meant that this caffeine addict did not get her full daily fix, so by the time I got home at the end of the day I felt miserable. It was also hot, and I was constantly moving, so 8 cups of water were probably not enough for the day, so I may have been dehydrated as well. Headache! Stomach ache! Foot aches(?)! I skipped my evening exercises and fell into bed, but felt so miserable that it took quite some time for me to actually fall asleep.
Woke up today tired and crabby with an upset stomach and a headache (at least my feet felt better!) and resolved again to cut back on coffee. I usually drink 4+ cups everyday. Today I had two and won't let myself have another no matter how much I think I want it, I KNOW that I don't NEED it!
Tried to go for a walk during my lunch break as a pick-me-up, but it is hot and miserable, so that didn't go as planned. I walked for about 5 minutes before I decided that a heat stroke was not the answer to my moodiness!
Attempt at improving my mood take 2: I tried using one of the no-equipment cardio workout videos. . . I think I have three left feet! I was so lost trying to keep my feet doing what the instructor was doing!! Can't say that I achieved anything close to a good cardio workout, but it improved my mood. I had a great big laugh at myself when I saw what I looked like in the mirror!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
My relationship with fruit is very ambivalent! I wish that I could say that I was a fruit lover, but alas I am not. There are times when I thoroughly enjoy a piece of fruit but I am not sure that I have every had a craving for fruit of any sort. (Tomatoes are the exception, but we generally call them veggies!)
Today I ate some tasty honeydew melon as my dessert with my lunch. While eating it, I was very conscious of the fact that it tasted "good" - it was ripened to perfection, sweet and juicy - but I did not enjoy it in the least! In fact, while eating it, I was thinking about indulging in a nice sweet, baked good for my afternoon snack - cookies or cake (especially anything chocolate!) as a recompense to my senses for persevering through the entire serving of melon when I would have much rather raided the pantry!
At this moment I am resolved to eat some "healthy" food that I enjoy rather than indulging in sweets, so it will probably be some cheese and crackers or raw veggies. We'll see whether or not my resolve holds up!
Is it possible to train myself to like fruit? I love veggies - well most veggies with the exception of Brussels sprouts and turnip greens! But my taste for vegetables developed as an adult when I discovered that fresh and frozen veggies were much better than the canned ones I grew up eating and hating.
Is it necessary that I like what I eat? There is a value in doing what I know I ought to do even when it isn't what I wish to do. That is very easy for me to see (and to choose) when it comes to being kind and generous with others, maybe I just need to focus on being kind to my body by feeding it the way it deserves to be fed!
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