Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Since writing last time life has been rather excellently enjoyable. Working through all that anger and resentment stuff has worked wonders and I am doing better in my relationship than I have in at least a year and a half. In general my head is in a much better place too, and so my eating has been much better as well.
I had been going pretty hard for the last fortnight, and basically over this last weekend I ended up overeating quite a bit for the first time in a while, but I don’t feel bad over it. I only ended up about 800 calories in surplus on my most ravenous day, and the rest was still in deficit, though not as much as usual.
I started doing Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution last week and for the first few days I was a solid block of pain, but it settled by the weekend.
I skipped the last three workouts (couldn’t be arsed) and plan to start up again on Thursday.
I am really not into her ‘cardio’ circuit. I am not a fan of circuit training at the best of times, I find it too choppy changey and always feel like you are JUST getting good form when you have to switch out… but in addition with the cardio one I was wearing my BMF and a HRM and both of these reflected that this workout is basically pretty meh. It is only 20 minutes long and doesn’t show up as vigorous exercise by either measure (by the way, my perceived effort is greater, not less than when I am walking, so I am not just slacking off), so I would rather go for a brisk walk/jog which DOES.
I briskly walk for 90-120 minutes a day most days and have numerous times had well over an hour of this counted as vigorous by the BMF and my heart rate just as high as her cardio, so I can’t see how her cardio workout is better or more efficient, especially given that I loathe it!
I don’t hate the other two workouts, even though they are also circuits, I manage. I have had to sub out a couple of the moves that I can’t do (push-ups are no go as I have bad carpal tunnel at the moment), and I have to watch out because my dodgey knees don’t like all the squatting… but I do like feeling stronger even in only 2 reps of the workouts. I am not committing to the whole program but I am using it to kickstart me back into strength training.
I am pleased to say since starting with Spark People again recently I have lost 3 kilos (which the spark thingy insists are pounds, oh well) and an inch off my hips and an inch off my waist. Not bad given that that was all prior to my recent fortnight of diligence… I am going to give myself a bit longer before weighing and measuring again – I’d like to get to a full month of tracking my food while doing ICMYT. But it does bode well.
For the last fortnight I have averaged an 1800+ calorie deficit per day – this is INCLUDING my big overeats this weekend, so I should see good results after a month.
Dave and I are planning to start C25K on the 15th, so we will see how that goes… well either way I will start that day. He may pike out.
I have also started walking an even longer way to work, it is much prettier and nicer – I’ll have a look at the BMF results tonight and see what it does to my activity and steps. I’d love to be able to regularly get over 20K per day. So far I have only done it once.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I got really angry last night when I was making dinner and Silly kept meowing at me. Instead of stopping, putting him outside and quietly letting Dave know that I was frazzled I just kept escalating and screaming at Silly until I was really angry and Dave got all subdued and scared of me (which of course pissed me off).
The icky bit only lasted 5-10 minutes before I changed state as we settled down to watch wrestling, and we ended up in a good space, but it need not have happened at all.
When I yell at the cats I am really demonstrating my big pattern, which is getting angry about something instead of asking for what I need. It is also one of my set ups" in that I am yelling in the hopes that Dave will come and rescue me... this never happens yet I keep on hoping he will do it.
Last night I asked for help to put away the groceries but Dave asked if he had to help, and I did it alone. What i really wanted was for him to help but I assumed his needs were more important than mine and gave in and did it myself.
I didn't want to cook dinner and arranged for Dave to have pasta and stir through, but he asked if he had to do it, and so I did it. Again I assumed his needs were more important than mine and just agreed to do it myself.
This is critical as this is VERY much a pattern Dave does - agreeing to do something and then asking if he really has to do it. Or saying "you don't mind if I" when he bails on something...
This is also the EXACT pattern of when I was being sexually abused and my abuser said they would stop if I wanted them to, but then made it very clear they didn't want to stop and basically asked did they have to stop, and of course I gave in.
This is my worst and most triggering pattern ever an I have ended up with a husband who does it.
I need to make sure I step out of my half of the cycle and not perpetuate the pattern.
So no wonder after two of these in a row I was a bit on edge, and then being hassled by the cat - I HATE being hassled when I am cooking because they do not let up, and I keep tripping over them and getting really angry.
This dinner was made to suit his schedule. We watched wrestling to suit his schedule. I set up the wrestling dvd and this was actually where I got really frazzled as it didn't play properly and I had to restart the system and I was stressing out because my planned timing wasn't working.
All up I only had 30 minutes of "me time" all of last night. So all of this sort of exploded at the tangible thing tat I felt safe to acknowledge. The cat.
So here is my pledge to myself.
A) simply pick up the cat and put them outside when I am cooking, and let Dave know why. Do this BEFORE I get angry, as soon as it is clear that the cat will bother me.
B) work on not letting Dave off the hook when he manipulates me with asking if he has to do something, or phrasing things with "you don't mind". Let him no he doesn't HAVE to, but I would like him to. Let him know if I do mind.
The other things from last night is he was drunk and babbling and I was trying to get stuff done and I put the water on for his dinner and said "I am putting the water on for your pasta now, s it will be read when you want it" He said "Ok'" but two minutes later sad he would put water on when he got back from the bottle shop. I made a dig about how he doesn't listen and it made him feel bad.
Here's the truth.
A) I wasn't listening to him, in fact I am pretty sure I interrupted him so many times that he never got out the point of his story, I certainly don't remember what it was. I was talking over him, and butting into his every pause. The comment about the water was just ONE of these but ins. I need to LISTEN to him!!
B)I need to STOP these passive aggressive unkindnesses that are cutting him down.
What I am grateful for about Dave:
He takes incredible care of my critters, which is one of the best forms of taking care of me.
He forgives me ALL the time when I am moody and horrible to him, he never holds a grudge or throws it up at me.
He warms me up, uncomplainingly any time I ask (I get COLD).
He loves wrestling the same way I do and we have so much fun watching it together, all snuggled up on the couch.
Simply pick up the cat and put them outside when I am cooking, and let Dave know why. Do this BEFORE I get angry, as soon as it is clear that the cat will bother me
I need to make sure I step out of my half of the cycle and not perpetuate the pattern. Work on not letting Dave off the hook when he manipulates me with asking if he has to do something, or phrasing things with "you don't mind". Let him know he doesn't HAVE to but what the consequences are eg it may not get done, and that I would like him to. Let him know if I do mind.
I need to LISTEN to him!!
I need to STOP these passive aggressive unkindnesses that are cutting him down.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I found a prompt for finding out what you want from life - this having been the theme of most of my internet searching for the last couple of years as I go through regular waves of trying to figure out "What to do with my life".
There is so much emphasis nowadays on finding your purpose, your calling, your passion, your life's meaning... and I always feel a bit anxious about it because I am ot a particularly passionate person, I don't have a calling or a purpose in my life. i drift more or less hedonistically and primarily navigate by movibng away from anything that causes me anxiety or stress.
All the things I could be said to have a passionate outlook about casue LOTS of anxiety or stress and so I tend to move away from them quite deliveratley and certainly don't want to build my life around them.
I do have a really go grasp fo what my Core Values are, as for my NLPer background that just makes more sense to me for living a rewarding and fulfilling life. Hit your values and don't go against them and you are gonna have a pretty damn good life. But I still kept searching and searching for the missing bit that I am 'passionate' about or 'called' to....
It might be worth mentioning that when I was younger and religious I had a full tilt boogie religious experience, including knowing exactly what my life purpose was. About 7 years ago I had another and my Life Purpose was revoked.... rather I had completed it and got the very clear message that the rest of my life was for me.... I went through a really rough patch trying to work out how to live without this sense of purpose, and have honestly spent much of the last 7 years floundering about trying to find a replacement. So you see I know what it feels like to have one, and I know that I DON'T have one now. Not that i don't know what it is, but that I don't have one.
Ayhow, this prompt, one in a long line of many was fun... you had to complete the phrase "I want..." until you had a list of 100 wants. I found this very easy and it only took about 15 minutes whereas the authour of the prompting blog took 50 minutes.
Afterwards I looked at my list and saw immediately that everything fell more or less neatly into 7 main groups with maybe some overlap between two of them.
Worthiness - and the need for validation, to earn being worthy, the need to be more extraordinary or exceptional - lots of the 'looks' ones come under here, as well as the ones where I have fans etc
To be significant or influencial or helpful, In many ways the coaching stuff is here as it is about geting that validation from people.
Various gimmicks like unicycling and drugs recreation again more or less about being special enough
My own 'Opa's Farm' - garden, beriies, fruit, nuts, critters, being surrounded by loved ones, collingwood childrens farm, herbs, produce etc
Creativity - Arts, crafts, selling, creating, writing, music
Home stuff - beautiful house, in ground pool, time with people I love, holiday home, work form home
Security - money, safety, no anxiety, security, safe world, safe for critters, feeling safe enough to be adventurous
Fitness - health, various activities, being active,
This is good though because this really does show my values (and confirms that they are what I thought they were), and that my life is actually pretty close to hitting them all. I have said for along time that I need to work on being creative and my health and the rest was pretty good.
This reveals that i also need to do some significant work on my sense of self worth, and on connecting to other people as well as health and creativity.
It shows that I am doing right by myself with all the critters and garden and home stuff - that these are actually very fulfilling to me and should continue to be a big focus. it shows that my life has areas of weakness that need to be worked on, but that I am well aware of those areas, and that I am working on them, there were no surprises.
I guess I have been doing the searching for my life's purpose or meaning for a LONG time and kee trying to come up with something that looks good on paper (even though I should be immune to this given that every single blog/coach type person reveals the exact same goal of wanting to help others achieve their goals... what a weird meta goal that is) but the fact is that my values, my purpose is not linked to a clean mission statement like that.... I want to live in a nice home, with people I love, critters and a garden, create art and be active. Add to that a sense of self worth and it is pretty well covered.
There are a number of ways in which that could make a little money, but none of it is ABOUT making money or particularly suited to making money unless we had a good bit more space and wanted to invest a lot in it. If we had unlimited money that would be cool, but not to risk my security on. I am sure a different type of person would look at this same list and just see so many career possibilities, entrepenueship opportunities - and that is always what those articles are pushing towards. "Go live your dream" they say, as though turning what you love into a cashflow is the only way to go... now wonder I always feel like I am failing on having a purpose, because I don't really have any desire to go out and turn any of this into a career. I have a job, and it is good enough, especially for now.
Dave and I have a phrase we use - "Secondhand bookstore" - which refers to the fun act of fantastising about following a career path, or turning something you love into a profitable endevour, with NO INTENTION or inclination to actually follow through. The pleasure is in the imagining, and we both are realistic enough to know that we wouldn't actually enjoy the reality, at least nowhere near enough to warrant the effort, expense and hardship involved. So when I am noodling about claiming that I want to start a cattery, the best damn cattery in the world, we both know it is really just another secondhand bookstore. I guess other people cal them pipe dreams....
So anyhow this is good.
I have confimred my values, and that the essence of what I value is absolutely available to me now, and ith scope to expand in the future if circmstances go well. It might be time to move out of the searching phase and into the doing phase... and maybe the whole searching thing has been about avoiding the committment of the next step after all.... about committing to that life "for me"... maybe if the message had been "for my values" I wouldn't have struggled so long... hmmmmm
Monday, April 08, 2013
It has been a whole month between blog posts.
This is mostly because I had to do a bunch of travelling for work, and I do most of my web based activity during workig hours do to being quite bored and not having much to do.
The travelling thing derailed me a bit. I have never travelled for work before, I am scared of flying, I NEED my time at home and I missed my critters. I also completely lost all of my routines, had no ability to cook and very limited abilty to eat healthy food (hello hick towns!) and limited opportunity to even go walking.
Because my flights were at crazy hours it threw me out of whack for days afterwards too...
So now I know, travelling makes it al a lot harder. Fortunately I won't have to do THAT much travelling in future, and for now I am back and getting back into my routines quite well.
All of this processing this weekend will only help the mental side of things to get back on track too.
Monday, April 08, 2013
On Saturday I was in a terrible mood. I was so angry and full of resentment towards my husband, and it wasn't even PMS time. These themes of anger and resnetment had been cycling over and over for quite a while (usually at a cycle per month, sometimes more often) - at least a year, probbly a bit longer. Becuase of my 'no fights while affected by hormones' rule i have been squashing down the anger and resentment most of the time and waiting till it passed (which it always did), and had chalked it up primarily to being a moody hormonal basket case.
This weekend though I knew I was not hormonal, and I went with it. And I sulked and I fumed and eventually I sat down and started to write it all out.
I have processed my head stuff by wirtng it out for a really long time - I don't remember when it started.... I know that when I was with my ex 10+years ago I was doing Morning Pages that were just daily spewings of bile and vitriol, so it must have started after then.
It was actually that experience that turned me write off morning pages and made me set the rule of never writing down negative things about people who mattered to me as though they were true. Even when I am pissed off I will now write about my end of things, and couch it in perpsective instead of making all those deadly statements and generalisations, it is a much healthier way for me to operate.
So on Saturday I started writing and it did start out just as complaining... then I moved onto a magic formula that I only recently discovered, but manit works so well for me. First I pour out all of my whingey bleh, I let the emotions be heard. I then ask myself - so, how did I go about making myself *insert emotion*?
I am sure there are people who will bridle at that notion and say "I didn't make myself angry/hurt/sad - the situation/other person did that!!" Well I am a NLPer so I know that that is pure bollocks, and completely unhelpful to boot.
So I will ask how I did it, and I will go through and write out the whole actual process. If you're not a NLPer it probably isn't an intuitive process, maybe a non-NLPer would come up with a lot of garbage and blame shifting and nonspecific info like "Well I have standards" or whatever... I don't know.
I am talking about the detailed step by step process of making myself miserable. It might look like this (and thi is not far off Saturday's actual list):
Ask Dave if he wants to hang out. When he says "a bit later" remember all the times hesays "a bit later" and never gets back to me. Imagine that he will not get back to me today. Remember specific instances where he has done this, and remeber how angry and upset it made me. Replay those events and get right into how upset felt. Decide that this pattern of behaviour means he does not consider my feelings. Look for evidence in other areas of my life to back up this theory. Replay those events and get right into how upset it made me. Contrast with all the ways in which I consider his feelings and concentrate on the disparity.Recall and review all other areas of disparity where I come of worse. Decide that I am being taken advantage of. Imagine that this is going to get worse and worse as time goes by - go into detailed scenarios and really feel upset about them. Interpret this behaviour an inherent lack of respect (this is a core value so now I am outraged, not just uset) for my humanity - question whether this is something I should put up with for the rest of my life, imagine a miserable future - usually compare to a recollection of my parents terrible marriage and feel a strong desire to make sure it won't happen to me, start thinkng about the necessary steps involved in getting a divorce, become overwhelmed and decide that i am 'trapped' in a failied marriage. (often at this point I will cry a lot and eat an entire box of tim-tams)
So that's how you go from wanting to play cards with your favorite person in the world, to feeling trapped in a failed marriage and it only takes me about 5 inutes in my head to go there, on a non-hormonal day! So when I say *I* am the one making me miserable, man I mean it. Poor Dave is oblivious to any of this and just knows that I went from being smiley and happy to seriously miserable and agry really fast, and that I stayed mad all day.
The step after writing out what I did in my head to make me unhappy is to write out what actually happened in an objective factual way.I write out what he did, and what I did separately and include everything that day leading up the the 'trigger' event.
This was really revealing as we had had a lovely day up to that point, and writing it out honestly forced me to recall several things Dave had done that demonstrated clearly that he was considering my feelings frequently. There was NOTHING in what actually happened to warrant where I took it. It also reveals that I did not communicate my wants/needs effectively, especially not in regard to how big a deal I was making it. At no point did I say "Hey babe, sometimes when you say in a bit you don't actually get back to me and I feel like I am just dangling, waiting on you - and when you forget I get upset, can I ask you again in an hour?" I didn't even say "hey babe, I know you are really busy at work and really need the weekend to unwind - do you think you can make some time to play a game with me today, because my job is super boring and I get really lonely for interaction." Either of those would have let him know that there was more to hanging out that simple boredom - the poor boy apologised profusely for being boring, when it really wasn't about that at all.
So basically I processed and processed and delved and thought and introspected and wrote about 7000 words all up covereing two recurring themes for me Anger and Resentment, and had some real breakthroughs and insights, and work out some great steps for productive action to take. And put them in place too.
But my brain just would not stop. I was in what my old trainer called 'perturbation' - perhaps most easily analogised to the state of a snowglobe after being vigourously shaken. My mind was swirling and disorganised and had not yet settled into its new pattern.
So I ended up staying up till 5am watching an entire season of Dexter.... on Sunday I was tired but happier than I have been in probably a year, because I was not resentful for the first time in so long. It is a really nice feeling.
In case anyone has read all of this and wants to know - the cure for resentment is appreciation. So my first job, and one that I need to continue to practice every day is to list at LEAST 3 things about my husband that I appreciate. I need to retrain my brain to look for those things.
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